Is it cheating to pleasure yourself (masturbate) while in a relationship/married, etc?

[BlueLine7045]

So I feel like this is kind of an awkward question to ask, especially since I am on a fetish forum, but I have been curious about it for a while now. Also, for the sake of the answer, I am asking with the assumption that your partner doesn't know or isn't involved, though if you do have some type of agreement, I would be interested to hear about it.

So is it cheating to pleasure yourself, or look at porn and pleasure yourself? I have tried looking it up and people (both men and women) seem to be split on the issue. Some people say it's cheating and you should only perform sex acts with your partner, while others say it's you're body and you should be able to explore it how you want.

Also, follow-up question. Do the circumstances change if you are pleasuring yourself to thoughts of your partner?

 

[luvgirlsfeet]

In my opinion no it’s not cheating. For your second question I think the circumstances in that scenario don’t change

 

[TiCKleMaN87]

My initial gut reaction when reading the title of the thread was no, not at all cheating and I still believe that after reading the whole post and mulling it over. However, I can see how some could perceive it as cheating when it comes to the, uh, fuel for the fire, so to speak. If you are thinking about/watching videos of someone other than yourself or SO while pleasuring yourself, I can see how it could possibly be construed as cheating.

 

[ticklishbod20]

Hi. It’s not cheating.
Just be mindful that if you’re masturbating and it’s detracting from intimacy with your partner, then maybe pay more attention to your partner. But still masturbate!

 

[milagros317]

IMO it is not cheating.
However:
If you masturbate so frequently or so close in time to when your partner wants to have sex, resulting in you being unable to perform, then that is very rude and also very destructive of the relationship.

 

[Cosmo_ac]

No, it's not cheating. I worry about anybody who thinks it is, to be honest.

And as far as thinking about someone other then your SO when masturbating, no, it's not cheating. Now, I would say it might be different if your thinking about somebody who is someone you know. Ie, perhaps the sister of the SO or a coworker. I still don't believe that is cheating, as their is nothing wrong with fantasies, unless you let them bleed over to your life in some other way.

 

[4Pawz]

My input:

Any time you have to hide something from a significant other, there’s a serious relationship issue. Thoughts are free, actions are not. You don’t have to disclose preferences, opinions, etc. Actions, if you’re having to hide it, it won’t end well.

If there’s an issue in the relationship, work on it or end it. Discuss, compromise, set limits or expectations. If you’re doing something you know will upset or hurt them, that’s pretty sad. And this doesn’t just apply to porn or self-gratification, but to spending, words, etc too.

I don’t personally have an issue if my significant other decides to choke his chicken, as long as he’s available when I need servicing too. But if he’s hiding it, not only would I be hurt, my trust would be gone. Honesty is everything to me. Once my trust is gone, so is that relationship; romantic or friendship.

 

[Ronihbbtts136]

I can't accept cheating at all

 

[Morning Scifi]

I'm not married myself, but I have several friends who are. I've had conversations with some of them where they've implied that marriage doesn't really change the occurrence of masturbation, although it may change its frequency. If I were married, I wouldn't consider it cheating if the woman I was with engaged in it some. It wouldn't be a problem unless she lost interest in sex between us.

 

[WickedTouch]

Things are seldom so black and white. It really comes down to how each individual personally perceives it. A lot of religions take the perspective of cheating beginning in the heart, and I think there's something to be taken from that. I think the reason that it's pointed out in the first place is because many people try to wiggle between the lines of technical right and wrong, missing the real point of a social concept of "cheating." Technically, it's not what I'd call cheating, but I think it's probably the wrong question for the circumstance. I'd definitely think of someone's partner secretly having a romantic or sexual interaction with someone else to be cheating. Self-pleasure incorporating porn or imagination falls much more in line with fantasy in general, but is very individual. Perhaps a good question to ask instead is whether or not the behavior is morally right and healthy in the specific relationship. I think these would be good self-exploration questions for someone to answer that for their unique relationship:

1. Do I feel guilty hiding my sexual thoughts and behaviors from my partner, and if so, why?
2. Do I prioritize these behaviors over sexual, romantic, or other engagement with my partner?
3. Do I feel that these behaviors affect my expectations of my partner?
4. Do the behaviors enhance or diminish the experiences I have with my partner?
5. Do I or my partner feel unsatisfied by our sexual relationship?
6. Do I personally feel that I am doing something wrong, and why?
7. How do I think my partner feels about all of this, or how they would feel if they knew?

As far as your second question, my answer is similar. I think it is technically not cheating, but has the potential (albeit less likely than with other scenarios) to be the wrong thing to do sometimes. You don't want your fantasies about your partner to come before the reality of your partner. That being said, it is likely to be a healthy expression of sexual energy and desire at a time when it cannot be expressed with the person directly.

Added context: I have had long-term partners in the past that were not aware of any of this. My wife knows, understands, and does the same. We communicate about these things to work through occasional feelings of jealousy or confusion, but we both understand that these behaviors are enhancing explorations of fantasy, rather than compromises to our relationship.

Hopefully this was a helpful perspective. Take care 🙂

 

[kurchatovium]

Ultimately it depends on your partner. Some relationships are very open and they work out fine. Others are more restrictive and they work out too. As someone said there is no black and white only various shades of grey. You just need to discuss what you and your partner are both happy with.

 

[tangledgirl]

I personally don’t view it as cheating. My boyfriend won’t watch porn because he does feel this way and takes the position of “why the hell would I watch that when I have you right here?!” Which I think is very sweet, but… I do watch porn. Go figure lol. Having said that, I’ve only ever been interested in lesbian porn (I’m bi) so maybe that’s a little different. We also take spicy pictures together so sometimes I look at those too.

 

[Wolf]

I don't believe it's cheating, but it depends on the boundaries set by you and your partner, and it's best to be clear on those.

 

[BlasterMaster]

The only issue with getting pleasure from porn when your in a relationship is you kind of risk eventually not being able to achieve sexual pleasure with your partner but they simply don't turn you on anymore.

 

[tcklft2]

I don't consider it cheating, since it doesn't physically involve anyone besides me. I don't mind if my partner masturbates, either.

 

[Toermentor]

So I feel like this is kind of an awkward question to ask, especially since I am on a fetish forum, but I have been curious about it for a while now. Also, for the sake of the answer, I am asking with the assumption that your partner doesn't know or isn't involved, though if you do have some type of agreement, I would be interested to hear about it.

So is it cheating to pleasure yourself, or look at porn and pleasure yourself? I have tried looking it up and people (both men and women) seem to be split on the issue. Some people say it's cheating and you should only perform sex acts with your partner, while others say it's you're body and you should be able to explore it how you want.

Also, follow-up question. Do the circumstances change if you are pleasuring yourself to thoughts of your partner?

Thats a good question.
It's a "NO... BUT..." kinda deal. Let me explain. So I'll start with how it's not cheating and also it is very healthy to have a self-efficient way to regulate your sex drive with masturbation. To assume that all sexual pleasure should be derrived from marridal sex is a) a very tall order and b) potentialy dangerous for that relationship. The reason why that is if you have a very high need for sex you can potentially loose interest in that person and only look at her as an object to fulfill that need. I work with people who have that problem. Also if you look into studies about fetishism you will quickly notice that the problem with some fetishists is the objectification of their partners so with feet for example is that notion that: I only care about the feet and not the person thats attached to them. Thats when we got problem, because if you love your partners feet thats actually a great way tomake a stronger and long lasting relationship (https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/intimacy/how-sexual-fetishism-can-impact-your-relationship/, https://www.psychologytoday.com/int...tions/201605/no-you-cannot-eradicate-a-fetish). I say this because again I've seen this multiple times that people who are in grave need for sex don't think about the other side as they should, they just want that piece of meat. Thats not good in the long run. So you should be able (both partners) to masturbate within reason of course as it is healthy and can be a great way to relive tension.
Now the flip side of that coin... cheating is not only a physical act, you can cheat emotionally, so for example have fantasies about a particular other person outside of your realtionship. That can lead to emotional deattachment from your partner and it's basically ruining your realtionship in that process. So if you masturbate to like a particular person that you would like to be with instead of your partner... that might be considered cheating on an emotional level, which to some people is way worse than actually having sex with somebody else.
So yeah, if you just masturbate because you have a need thats ok, but you have to remember that even thou technically it's not cheating your spouse might still have some issues with that so the best course of action (and I know it's hard - no pun intended) is to have an open conversation about it with your partner.
Every good doctor i know and every good psychotherapist who has any idea about sexual health would encourage healthy masturbation sessions.
And pleasuring yourself to the thoughts of your partner is showing how much she is your desire. As she should be.
Goblin out.

 

[AJ2007]

Wank away, sometimes you gotta blow off some steam. 😂