his holiday guide always cracks me up.
As I was having to cut and paste here, I left out a few of theless entertaining ones. You can read it in full -
There->http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/special_packages/gift_guide/7423768.htm
Posted on Sun, Dec. 07, 2003
WRAP STARS
Looking for a talking toilet-paper dispenser or bird diapers? Get the scoop with Dave Barry's holiday Gift Guide
BY DAVE BARRY
Why do we do it? Why do we go to the trouble of putting out the Holiday Gift Guide year after year, despite all the effort, the expense, the scheduling hassles, the lawsuits, the criminal prosecutions, the fatalities, the mobs of angry consumers chasing us down the street with tire irons?
We're going to answer that question by telling you a little story that we first heard from our mother many years ago, when we were a small, hairless child. The story is called:
A HOLIDAY MIRACLE
Once upon a time, not so long ago, there was a little boy named Bobby. Or maybe Billy. Whatever his name was, his family was very poor.
''What is the true meaning of the holiday season, father?'' asked the little boy.
''Season's Greetings,'' said the father.
''Season's Greetings?'' said the little boy. ''What does that mean?''
''I don't know,'' said the father. ''But it's inoffensive. Anyway, the point is, no presents, OK?''
''OK,'' said the little boy, for he was a good boy.
As the holidays grew closer, the little boy tried to think about the true meaning of Season's Greetings, instead of thinking about presents. But it was hard, and he was sad. And then, one night, when he was lying in bed, shivering from the cold because his family was too poor to own a house and his bed was outdoors, he saw a light appear in the sky. At first it was dim, but then it grew brighter and brighter, until it was the brightest light in the whole sky.
''It's a special star!'' thought the little boy. ''Maybe it's a magic star! Maybe if I make a wish, my wish will be granted!''
And so the little boy wished that his family could have presents for the holiday season.
But then he heard the sound of a motor, and he realized that the light was not a star: It was a police helicopter with a searchlight. And the little boy was very, very sad.
But then it turned out that this was not an ordinary police helicopter: This was a magic police helicopter, and it had heard the little boy's wish. And so, using a cable, it lowered a crate containing $800 million in cash.
And the little boy's family had the very best holiday season ever, until the next year, when the magic police helicopter gave the little boy the power to fly and talk to animals, including fish.
THE END
And THAT is why we put out the Holiday Gift Guide.
This year, as always, we have gathered together a collection of very special gift items -- items that you probably will not see in stores, unless the store buyers have been smoking crack. No, these are special items, unique items, items that will leave a lasting impression on the person you give them to, similar to the impression that Godzilla made on Tokyo.
As you look through these items, please bear in mind that all of them are real. We did not make them up. We actually purchased these items, using The Herald's money, and then our insane photographer Chuck talked his friends and co-workers into posing for photographs with these items.
We have also personally subjected all of these items to a rigorous ''hands-on'' quality-control test, wherein we put our hands on them, and then quickly pull our hands off, to guard against gift-transmitted diseases. That is why we are able to make the following:
HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE QUALITY ASSURANCE WARRANTY
If you purchase any of these items, and you are for any reason not satisfied with it, simply put it into its original packaging, seal it up, and leave it in a Dumpster. We will take it from there
Posted on Sun, Dec. 07, 2003
BOWEL BUDDY BRAN WAFERS
CHUCK FADELY / HERALD STAFF
ON THE MOVE: Bowel Buddy Bran Wafers will help Santa stay on track on his merry journey.
$32.95 plus shipping and handling from 911HealthShop.com, P.O. Box 6734, Bloomington, Ind. 47407, phone: 812-339-3048, Internet: www.911HealthShop.com
We here at the Holiday Gift Guide sincerely believe that this may be the best product name in the history of the world. The web page for this product begins with the following statement: ''If you suffer from constipation, chances are you know it!''
How very true those words are. And if there is somebody on your holiday list who suffers from this problem, we can think of no gift more likely to bring a grimace of joy to that person's face than tearing off the wrapping paper and seeing a nice big box of Bowel Buddy bran wafers! At that point, you can shout out this traditional and festive holiday greeting: ''Bowel Buddies quickly supply a large amount of insoluble fiber directly to the bowel where, with water, it goes to work pushing, cleaning churning and clearing.'' Ho ho ho!
Which reminds us: Be sure to leave a nice plate of Bowel Buddies for Santa, too.
----------
CAFFEINATED SOAP
JUST ADD WATER: Feeling tired? Instead of drinking that ho-hum cup of coffee, lather up with Shower Shock for a quick pick-me-up.
$6.99 plus shipping and handling from ThinkGeek, 10801 Main St., Suite 700, Fairfax, Va. 22030, phone: 888-GEEKSTUFF (433-5788), Internet: www.thinkgeek.com
Suggested by Karen Durkin of Pottsville, Pa.
We've all exclaimed the following exclamation a million times: ''I wish there were some way I could absorb caffeine directly into my body while showering!''
Well, now there is a way, in the form of Shower Shock brand caffeinated soap. Each four-ounce bar of Shower Shock contains enough caffeine to provide the consumer with 200 milligrams of caffeine per shower, for 12 showers. The manufacturer states that this caffeine ''is absorbed through the skin.''
This breakthrough concept will make a fine gift for those people on your holiday list who do not have time to drink coffee manually, or simply dislike it. When these people need a quick ''pick-me-up'' at work or school, all they have to do is remove their clothing, pour some water on themselves, whip out their bar of Shower Shock, and lather up. Then they're back to work, feeling refreshed and alert. This will be helpful when they talk to the police.
-------------
OCTODOG FRANKFURTER CONVERTER
WHAT ABOUT THE BUN? Turn hot dogs into marine-life-shaped cuisine with the handy dandy Octodog Frankfurter Converter.
$16.95 plus shipping and handling from Octodog, Inc., 30672 Munger, Livonia, Mich. 48154, fax: 734-943-6038, Internet: www.octodog.net
Suggested by Caya Jappinen of Issaquah, Wash.
The frankfurter, a.k.a. hot dog, has long been an American dietary staple -- a meal that is easy to prepare, and, at the same time, rich in chemicals.
The problem is that, after a while, the ''plain old'' hot dog can become boring. Until now, that is! Because now there is an amazing product, developed by leading frankfurter scientists, called the Octodog brand frankfurter converter. This is a cute device that converts a normal hot dog into a hot dog that looks sort of like an octopus, or some kind of mutant meat squid. Talk about fun! And it's simple to do: You simply place the Octodog device on the hot dog and slide it down via a process that is both easy and vaguely obscene.
This is a terrific gift idea for anybody on your list who yearns to turn processed pork or beef cylinders into marine-life-shaped cuisine. It is our understanding that top professional chefs such as Emeril order these babies by the gross. It is also our understanding that Meat Squid would be a good name for a rock band.
--------
Posted on Sun, Dec. 07, 2003
PRESIDENTIAL ACTION FIGURES
WORDS OF WISDOM: The Presidential Action Figure of George W. Bush says, among other things: 'You're working hard to put food on your family.' and 'I'm from Texas!'
$29.95 plus shipping and handling from Lifestyle Fascination, Inc., 110 Lehigh Ave., Lakewood, N.J. 08701, phone: 800-669-0987, Internet: www.shoplife-style.com
Suggested by James V. Dolson of Springfield, Va.
As Americans, we respect, honor and revere our presidents. But, for security reasons, we cannot take them home and play with them.
Until now, that is. Because now you, or some fortunate individual on your holiday gift list, can own a talking action figure of current President George W. Bush, or former President Bill ''Bill'' Clinton, or former President George ''Herbert Walker'' Bush.
These figures are crafted with superb skill to look exactly like small, severely mutated versions of the people they theoretically represent. And they talk! Thanks to the miracle of electronics, when you push a little button, these action figures randomly emit recordings of actual statements made by the original humans. For example, the George W. Bush doll says, among other things: ''You're working hard to put food on your family.'' The Bill Clinton doll says, among other things: ''I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.''
The same company also makes talking action figures of Donald Rumsfeld, Dennis Miller and Ann Coulter. (Really.) As of this writing, there is no Monica Lewinsky action figure, so we will refrain from speculating on what her ''action'' would be.
----------
EXECUTIVE LAPTOP STEERING WHEEL MOUNT
LOOK OUT! An Executive Laptop Steering Wheel Mount alows the multi-tasking executive to make good use of drive time. The laptop stand conveniently mounts onto the steering wheel. Just be careful of bridges in the up position.
$49.95 plus shipping and handling from Arkon Resources, 20 La Porte St., Arcadia, Calif., 91006, phone: 800-841-0884, Internet: www.arkon.com
Suggested by Stuart Williams of Kettering, Ohio.
Do you have a busy ''multi-tasking'' executive on your holiday gift list who is always talking on the cellphone, checking e-mail, working on spreadsheets and doing other executive things? If so, that person needs this amazing device, which attaches to a car steering wheel and converts it into a workspace for a laptop computer.
This means that, finally, the busy executive can make productive use of driving time formerly wasted by using the steering wheel to actually steer. This will definitely put him or her on the ''fast track'' to success! Or the hospital. But the important thing is, it will be fast.
------------
FOOD SUIT
CHUCK FADELY AND AL DIAZ / HERALD STAFF
GLUED TO THE STANDS: Wearing a Food Suit, the hard-core sports fan won't have to leave his or her seat for ANYTHING.
$49.95 plus shipping and handling from Food Suit, Internet: www.foodsuit.com
Suggested by Loree Peery of San Diego, Calif.
Do you have a sports fan on your holiday gift list? We're talking about a real sports fan -- the kind of fan who, when he gets to his seat at the game, wants to remain there and not miss anything. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that person had a suit that could enable him to perform all of the key functions of a sports fan -- eat, drink, dispose of garbage, even go to the bathroom! -- without leaving his seat?
We don't think so, either. But that has not stopped the inventors of this amazing product, the Food Suit. It's made from a space-age material, and if that doesn't work out, cotton, and it's packed with useful features to enhance the experience of the sports fan who does not want, or has become unable, to move, including:
• Separate pockets for hot and cold foods;
• A condiments dispenser;
• A garbage-receptacle pocket;
• A flask pocket;
• Dual ''suck tubes'' connecting the wearer's mouth to a beer bladder and a soda bladder;
• A catheter, connected via a tube to a waste reservoir.
The Food Suit is not just practical. It's also, as you can imagine, a real visual treat: Few sights are more attractive than a man who is visibly bulging with food, drink, garbage and bodily wastes. It would not surprise us to learn that Mr. Ralph Lauren has dozens of Food Suits in his personal closet.
------------
GIFT GUIDE LITERARY SELECTION
Anyone Can Build a Tub-Style Mechanical Chicken Plucker, by Herrick Kimball
$19.95 from Whizbang Books, P.O. Box 1117, Moravia, N.Y. 13118, phone: 315-497-9618, Internet: www.whizbangbooks.com
Suggested by Barb Smith of Raymond, Maine.
Every year, except when we forget, we include a literary section in the Holiday Gift Guide. Our selection this year is Anyone Can Build a Tub-Style Mechanical Chicken Plucker (subtitle: Plucks Turkeys, Geese and Ducks, Too!). As the title suggests, this is a sweeping epic novel of love, lust and betrayal.
No, seriously, it's about plucking chickens. In fact it's dedicated to a Mr. Ernest Hausen of Fort Atkinson, Wis., who, in 1939, ''hand-plucked a chicken in 4.4 seconds,'' a record that still stands today.
This book explains, in extreme detail, how you can build a mechanical chicken plucker at home. This is LOT cheaper than going out and buying a ready-made chicken plucker, which can run you $2,000. (We here at the Gift Guide just buy naked chickens at the supermarket, but we're weird that way.)
In the moving introduction to this book, the author writes that he was once resigned to ''a lifetime of hand-picking'' the feathers off his chickens. But then, one ''epiphanous day,'' he visited a friend who had built his own chicken-plucking equipment, and who demonstrated it using two chickens. Here's what happened next, in the author's own words, which we are not making up:
''Mike picked the denuded birds out and held them, heads dangling, in front of me. I'm sure my mouth was agape. It was one of the most beautiful and amazing things I had ever seen. I knew at that moment that I would have, that I must have, a mechanical tub picker of my own . . . ''
We're sorry, but if you can read those words and not think ''This book has to be made into a major motion picture starring Russell Crowe and Keanu Reeves as the men, and Courtney Love as one of the chickens,'' then you have a heart of stone.
---------
'LOVE TRIANGLE' TURKEY DECOY SET
GOBBLE, GOBBLE: The Love Triangle Turkey Decoy Set consists of three decoys, Agressive Jake, Passive Jake and Three-Position Hen.
$47.99 (currently sold out for the season) from Cabelas, 1 Cabela Dr., Sidney, Neb. 69160-9555, phone: 800-237-4444, Internet: www.cabelas.com
Suggested by Ed Kavanaugh of Durham, N.C.
Each year, we like to include some kind of sportsperson item in the Holiday Gift Guide, because we frankly cannot believe the amount of thought that sportspersons put into the problem of how to outwit animals with the intelligence of cheese mold.
This year, we're pleased to present the ''Love Triangle'' flock of turkey decoys, which consists of three decoys, named (we swear) ''Aggressive Jake,'' ''Passive Jake'' and ''Three-Position Hen.''
That's right: It's two guys and a gal, and the idea is that the sportsperson can position them in various ways, depending on which part of the mating season it is, to make the decoys appear more realistic to actual turkeys, which will then approach and be shot in a sportspersonlike manner by the sportsperson.
We don't understand the technical details. We were only dimly aware that turkeys even had sex. And we don't WANT to know what is meant by the term ''three-position hen.'' But if you know somebody who does, that person really, really needs this gift.
hehe
Happy Holidays~!
As I was having to cut and paste here, I left out a few of theless entertaining ones. You can read it in full -
There->http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/special_packages/gift_guide/7423768.htm
Posted on Sun, Dec. 07, 2003
WRAP STARS
Looking for a talking toilet-paper dispenser or bird diapers? Get the scoop with Dave Barry's holiday Gift Guide
BY DAVE BARRY
Why do we do it? Why do we go to the trouble of putting out the Holiday Gift Guide year after year, despite all the effort, the expense, the scheduling hassles, the lawsuits, the criminal prosecutions, the fatalities, the mobs of angry consumers chasing us down the street with tire irons?
We're going to answer that question by telling you a little story that we first heard from our mother many years ago, when we were a small, hairless child. The story is called:
A HOLIDAY MIRACLE
Once upon a time, not so long ago, there was a little boy named Bobby. Or maybe Billy. Whatever his name was, his family was very poor.
''What is the true meaning of the holiday season, father?'' asked the little boy.
''Season's Greetings,'' said the father.
''Season's Greetings?'' said the little boy. ''What does that mean?''
''I don't know,'' said the father. ''But it's inoffensive. Anyway, the point is, no presents, OK?''
''OK,'' said the little boy, for he was a good boy.
As the holidays grew closer, the little boy tried to think about the true meaning of Season's Greetings, instead of thinking about presents. But it was hard, and he was sad. And then, one night, when he was lying in bed, shivering from the cold because his family was too poor to own a house and his bed was outdoors, he saw a light appear in the sky. At first it was dim, but then it grew brighter and brighter, until it was the brightest light in the whole sky.
''It's a special star!'' thought the little boy. ''Maybe it's a magic star! Maybe if I make a wish, my wish will be granted!''
And so the little boy wished that his family could have presents for the holiday season.
But then he heard the sound of a motor, and he realized that the light was not a star: It was a police helicopter with a searchlight. And the little boy was very, very sad.
But then it turned out that this was not an ordinary police helicopter: This was a magic police helicopter, and it had heard the little boy's wish. And so, using a cable, it lowered a crate containing $800 million in cash.
And the little boy's family had the very best holiday season ever, until the next year, when the magic police helicopter gave the little boy the power to fly and talk to animals, including fish.
THE END
And THAT is why we put out the Holiday Gift Guide.
This year, as always, we have gathered together a collection of very special gift items -- items that you probably will not see in stores, unless the store buyers have been smoking crack. No, these are special items, unique items, items that will leave a lasting impression on the person you give them to, similar to the impression that Godzilla made on Tokyo.
As you look through these items, please bear in mind that all of them are real. We did not make them up. We actually purchased these items, using The Herald's money, and then our insane photographer Chuck talked his friends and co-workers into posing for photographs with these items.
We have also personally subjected all of these items to a rigorous ''hands-on'' quality-control test, wherein we put our hands on them, and then quickly pull our hands off, to guard against gift-transmitted diseases. That is why we are able to make the following:
HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE QUALITY ASSURANCE WARRANTY
If you purchase any of these items, and you are for any reason not satisfied with it, simply put it into its original packaging, seal it up, and leave it in a Dumpster. We will take it from there
Posted on Sun, Dec. 07, 2003
BOWEL BUDDY BRAN WAFERS
CHUCK FADELY / HERALD STAFF
ON THE MOVE: Bowel Buddy Bran Wafers will help Santa stay on track on his merry journey.
$32.95 plus shipping and handling from 911HealthShop.com, P.O. Box 6734, Bloomington, Ind. 47407, phone: 812-339-3048, Internet: www.911HealthShop.com
We here at the Holiday Gift Guide sincerely believe that this may be the best product name in the history of the world. The web page for this product begins with the following statement: ''If you suffer from constipation, chances are you know it!''
How very true those words are. And if there is somebody on your holiday list who suffers from this problem, we can think of no gift more likely to bring a grimace of joy to that person's face than tearing off the wrapping paper and seeing a nice big box of Bowel Buddy bran wafers! At that point, you can shout out this traditional and festive holiday greeting: ''Bowel Buddies quickly supply a large amount of insoluble fiber directly to the bowel where, with water, it goes to work pushing, cleaning churning and clearing.'' Ho ho ho!
Which reminds us: Be sure to leave a nice plate of Bowel Buddies for Santa, too.
----------
CAFFEINATED SOAP
JUST ADD WATER: Feeling tired? Instead of drinking that ho-hum cup of coffee, lather up with Shower Shock for a quick pick-me-up.
$6.99 plus shipping and handling from ThinkGeek, 10801 Main St., Suite 700, Fairfax, Va. 22030, phone: 888-GEEKSTUFF (433-5788), Internet: www.thinkgeek.com
Suggested by Karen Durkin of Pottsville, Pa.
We've all exclaimed the following exclamation a million times: ''I wish there were some way I could absorb caffeine directly into my body while showering!''
Well, now there is a way, in the form of Shower Shock brand caffeinated soap. Each four-ounce bar of Shower Shock contains enough caffeine to provide the consumer with 200 milligrams of caffeine per shower, for 12 showers. The manufacturer states that this caffeine ''is absorbed through the skin.''
This breakthrough concept will make a fine gift for those people on your holiday list who do not have time to drink coffee manually, or simply dislike it. When these people need a quick ''pick-me-up'' at work or school, all they have to do is remove their clothing, pour some water on themselves, whip out their bar of Shower Shock, and lather up. Then they're back to work, feeling refreshed and alert. This will be helpful when they talk to the police.
-------------
OCTODOG FRANKFURTER CONVERTER
WHAT ABOUT THE BUN? Turn hot dogs into marine-life-shaped cuisine with the handy dandy Octodog Frankfurter Converter.
$16.95 plus shipping and handling from Octodog, Inc., 30672 Munger, Livonia, Mich. 48154, fax: 734-943-6038, Internet: www.octodog.net
Suggested by Caya Jappinen of Issaquah, Wash.
The frankfurter, a.k.a. hot dog, has long been an American dietary staple -- a meal that is easy to prepare, and, at the same time, rich in chemicals.
The problem is that, after a while, the ''plain old'' hot dog can become boring. Until now, that is! Because now there is an amazing product, developed by leading frankfurter scientists, called the Octodog brand frankfurter converter. This is a cute device that converts a normal hot dog into a hot dog that looks sort of like an octopus, or some kind of mutant meat squid. Talk about fun! And it's simple to do: You simply place the Octodog device on the hot dog and slide it down via a process that is both easy and vaguely obscene.
This is a terrific gift idea for anybody on your list who yearns to turn processed pork or beef cylinders into marine-life-shaped cuisine. It is our understanding that top professional chefs such as Emeril order these babies by the gross. It is also our understanding that Meat Squid would be a good name for a rock band.
--------
Posted on Sun, Dec. 07, 2003
PRESIDENTIAL ACTION FIGURES
WORDS OF WISDOM: The Presidential Action Figure of George W. Bush says, among other things: 'You're working hard to put food on your family.' and 'I'm from Texas!'
$29.95 plus shipping and handling from Lifestyle Fascination, Inc., 110 Lehigh Ave., Lakewood, N.J. 08701, phone: 800-669-0987, Internet: www.shoplife-style.com
Suggested by James V. Dolson of Springfield, Va.
As Americans, we respect, honor and revere our presidents. But, for security reasons, we cannot take them home and play with them.
Until now, that is. Because now you, or some fortunate individual on your holiday gift list, can own a talking action figure of current President George W. Bush, or former President Bill ''Bill'' Clinton, or former President George ''Herbert Walker'' Bush.
These figures are crafted with superb skill to look exactly like small, severely mutated versions of the people they theoretically represent. And they talk! Thanks to the miracle of electronics, when you push a little button, these action figures randomly emit recordings of actual statements made by the original humans. For example, the George W. Bush doll says, among other things: ''You're working hard to put food on your family.'' The Bill Clinton doll says, among other things: ''I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.''
The same company also makes talking action figures of Donald Rumsfeld, Dennis Miller and Ann Coulter. (Really.) As of this writing, there is no Monica Lewinsky action figure, so we will refrain from speculating on what her ''action'' would be.
----------
EXECUTIVE LAPTOP STEERING WHEEL MOUNT
LOOK OUT! An Executive Laptop Steering Wheel Mount alows the multi-tasking executive to make good use of drive time. The laptop stand conveniently mounts onto the steering wheel. Just be careful of bridges in the up position.
$49.95 plus shipping and handling from Arkon Resources, 20 La Porte St., Arcadia, Calif., 91006, phone: 800-841-0884, Internet: www.arkon.com
Suggested by Stuart Williams of Kettering, Ohio.
Do you have a busy ''multi-tasking'' executive on your holiday gift list who is always talking on the cellphone, checking e-mail, working on spreadsheets and doing other executive things? If so, that person needs this amazing device, which attaches to a car steering wheel and converts it into a workspace for a laptop computer.
This means that, finally, the busy executive can make productive use of driving time formerly wasted by using the steering wheel to actually steer. This will definitely put him or her on the ''fast track'' to success! Or the hospital. But the important thing is, it will be fast.
------------
FOOD SUIT
CHUCK FADELY AND AL DIAZ / HERALD STAFF
GLUED TO THE STANDS: Wearing a Food Suit, the hard-core sports fan won't have to leave his or her seat for ANYTHING.
$49.95 plus shipping and handling from Food Suit, Internet: www.foodsuit.com
Suggested by Loree Peery of San Diego, Calif.
Do you have a sports fan on your holiday gift list? We're talking about a real sports fan -- the kind of fan who, when he gets to his seat at the game, wants to remain there and not miss anything. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that person had a suit that could enable him to perform all of the key functions of a sports fan -- eat, drink, dispose of garbage, even go to the bathroom! -- without leaving his seat?
We don't think so, either. But that has not stopped the inventors of this amazing product, the Food Suit. It's made from a space-age material, and if that doesn't work out, cotton, and it's packed with useful features to enhance the experience of the sports fan who does not want, or has become unable, to move, including:
• Separate pockets for hot and cold foods;
• A condiments dispenser;
• A garbage-receptacle pocket;
• A flask pocket;
• Dual ''suck tubes'' connecting the wearer's mouth to a beer bladder and a soda bladder;
• A catheter, connected via a tube to a waste reservoir.
The Food Suit is not just practical. It's also, as you can imagine, a real visual treat: Few sights are more attractive than a man who is visibly bulging with food, drink, garbage and bodily wastes. It would not surprise us to learn that Mr. Ralph Lauren has dozens of Food Suits in his personal closet.
------------
GIFT GUIDE LITERARY SELECTION
Anyone Can Build a Tub-Style Mechanical Chicken Plucker, by Herrick Kimball
$19.95 from Whizbang Books, P.O. Box 1117, Moravia, N.Y. 13118, phone: 315-497-9618, Internet: www.whizbangbooks.com
Suggested by Barb Smith of Raymond, Maine.
Every year, except when we forget, we include a literary section in the Holiday Gift Guide. Our selection this year is Anyone Can Build a Tub-Style Mechanical Chicken Plucker (subtitle: Plucks Turkeys, Geese and Ducks, Too!). As the title suggests, this is a sweeping epic novel of love, lust and betrayal.
No, seriously, it's about plucking chickens. In fact it's dedicated to a Mr. Ernest Hausen of Fort Atkinson, Wis., who, in 1939, ''hand-plucked a chicken in 4.4 seconds,'' a record that still stands today.
This book explains, in extreme detail, how you can build a mechanical chicken plucker at home. This is LOT cheaper than going out and buying a ready-made chicken plucker, which can run you $2,000. (We here at the Gift Guide just buy naked chickens at the supermarket, but we're weird that way.)
In the moving introduction to this book, the author writes that he was once resigned to ''a lifetime of hand-picking'' the feathers off his chickens. But then, one ''epiphanous day,'' he visited a friend who had built his own chicken-plucking equipment, and who demonstrated it using two chickens. Here's what happened next, in the author's own words, which we are not making up:
''Mike picked the denuded birds out and held them, heads dangling, in front of me. I'm sure my mouth was agape. It was one of the most beautiful and amazing things I had ever seen. I knew at that moment that I would have, that I must have, a mechanical tub picker of my own . . . ''
We're sorry, but if you can read those words and not think ''This book has to be made into a major motion picture starring Russell Crowe and Keanu Reeves as the men, and Courtney Love as one of the chickens,'' then you have a heart of stone.
---------
'LOVE TRIANGLE' TURKEY DECOY SET
GOBBLE, GOBBLE: The Love Triangle Turkey Decoy Set consists of three decoys, Agressive Jake, Passive Jake and Three-Position Hen.
$47.99 (currently sold out for the season) from Cabelas, 1 Cabela Dr., Sidney, Neb. 69160-9555, phone: 800-237-4444, Internet: www.cabelas.com
Suggested by Ed Kavanaugh of Durham, N.C.
Each year, we like to include some kind of sportsperson item in the Holiday Gift Guide, because we frankly cannot believe the amount of thought that sportspersons put into the problem of how to outwit animals with the intelligence of cheese mold.
This year, we're pleased to present the ''Love Triangle'' flock of turkey decoys, which consists of three decoys, named (we swear) ''Aggressive Jake,'' ''Passive Jake'' and ''Three-Position Hen.''
That's right: It's two guys and a gal, and the idea is that the sportsperson can position them in various ways, depending on which part of the mating season it is, to make the decoys appear more realistic to actual turkeys, which will then approach and be shot in a sportspersonlike manner by the sportsperson.
We don't understand the technical details. We were only dimly aware that turkeys even had sex. And we don't WANT to know what is meant by the term ''three-position hen.'' But if you know somebody who does, that person really, really needs this gift.
hehe
Happy Holidays~!
