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Jokes
- Thread starter ForgottenTcklr
- Start date
luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2002
- Messages
- 1,696
- Points
- 0
Condoms
CONDOMS
There was a lady who worked in an all night drugstore.
On a Friday she started working at about 8 pm so she would be
there all night.
At about 11 p.m. a mature man comes in and asks for some condoms.
The clerk asks "What size will you be needing?"
The man says, "Size? Guess it's been a while -- hell I don't know"
Clerk says, "Well whip it out on the counter here and let's take a
look."
So the man whips it out on the counter -- the clerk gives it a few
strokes -- then over the intercom the clerk announces, "size medium
condoms to aisle 6."
The man pays for his purchase and he is off.
Around midnight another gentleman comes in and he is also wanting
condoms. The clerk asks him, "Well what size will you be needing?"
The gentleman says "Actually I have never purchased any before -- I
have no idea."
The clerk says, "Well whip it out on the counter here and let's take
a look."
So the gentleman whips it out on the counter, the clerk gives it a few
rubs, and announces over the intercom -- "Size large condoms to aisle 6."
The gentleman pays for his purchase and leaves.
A little later on a young fella about 17 comes in and very shy-like
asks for some condoms. The clerk asks him "Well what size are you
needing sonny?"
Of course the boy is quite embarrassed and blurts out "Oh my God -- size???"
The clerk says, "Whip it out on the counter here sonny and we will take a look."
Shy but willing -- the boy whips it out on the counter -- the clerk gives it a
few rubs and then announces on the intercom, "Clean up on aisle 6."
CONDOMS
There was a lady who worked in an all night drugstore.
On a Friday she started working at about 8 pm so she would be
there all night.
At about 11 p.m. a mature man comes in and asks for some condoms.
The clerk asks "What size will you be needing?"
The man says, "Size? Guess it's been a while -- hell I don't know"
Clerk says, "Well whip it out on the counter here and let's take a
look."
So the man whips it out on the counter -- the clerk gives it a few
strokes -- then over the intercom the clerk announces, "size medium
condoms to aisle 6."
The man pays for his purchase and he is off.
Around midnight another gentleman comes in and he is also wanting
condoms. The clerk asks him, "Well what size will you be needing?"
The gentleman says "Actually I have never purchased any before -- I
have no idea."
The clerk says, "Well whip it out on the counter here and let's take
a look."
So the gentleman whips it out on the counter, the clerk gives it a few
rubs, and announces over the intercom -- "Size large condoms to aisle 6."
The gentleman pays for his purchase and leaves.
A little later on a young fella about 17 comes in and very shy-like
asks for some condoms. The clerk asks him "Well what size are you
needing sonny?"
Of course the boy is quite embarrassed and blurts out "Oh my God -- size???"
The clerk says, "Whip it out on the counter here sonny and we will take a look."
Shy but willing -- the boy whips it out on the counter -- the clerk gives it a
few rubs and then announces on the intercom, "Clean up on aisle 6."
A guy is out with buddies, has few drinks, gets horny, but
true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in
bed with her mouth wide open.
He gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth. Of course
she chokes but recovers and asks "What did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "two aspirin."
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE !!!!"
He says, "That's what I wanted to hear!"
Ven
true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in
bed with her mouth wide open.
He gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth. Of course
she chokes but recovers and asks "What did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "two aspirin."
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE !!!!"
He says, "That's what I wanted to hear!"
Ven
Why God Made Men and Women
God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits each were given:
WOMEN Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home. They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up against injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their kids into the right schools and to get their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are strong, but they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in houses, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give and all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same for people you come in contact with.
MEN are good at lifting heavy shit and killing spiders.
God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits each were given:
WOMEN Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home. They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up against injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their kids into the right schools and to get their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are strong, but they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in houses, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give and all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same for people you come in contact with.
MEN are good at lifting heavy shit and killing spiders.
ForgottenTcklr
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- May 11, 2001
- Messages
- 1,835
- Points
- 36
Lawyer's Charity
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"
ForgottenTcklr
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- May 11, 2001
- Messages
- 1,835
- Points
- 36
Going To A Lecture
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" The cop asked. "My wife." said the man.
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" The cop asked. "My wife." said the man.
ForgottenTcklr
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- May 11, 2001
- Messages
- 1,835
- Points
- 36
Reasons To Drink!!!
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella
Non-Drinker: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
--Timothy Walsh
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--Anonymous
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
--Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
--Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella
Non-Drinker: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
--Timothy Walsh
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--Anonymous
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
--Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
--Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
ForgottenTcklr
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- May 11, 2001
- Messages
- 1,835
- Points
- 36
I missed a few off of these lists!!!
BEER QUOTES:
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson
All right, Brain, I don't like you... and you don't like me, so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
BEER QUOTES:
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson
All right, Brain, I don't like you... and you don't like me, so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2002
- Messages
- 1,696
- Points
- 0
Re: Reasons To Drink!!!
I like those LOL good ones FT. Good to see you back! 🙂 Love and peace. TracyForgottenTcklr said:
