Jokes

[TKDANNY]

i remember when i was trying to be a boxer and during my first match i heard
"1......2......3......4....."
then i said
"you can count to as much as you like im not coming off the roof"

LOL
That is one funny ass joke


if you got a joke post it here

 

[TKDANNY]

i got another one

im not preeching religon to you all but im saying Jesus died for us, if he never died we wouldnt have a bible, and short people wouldnt have anything to stand on to get some thing off the top shelf

LOL
i did it again

 

[twinkletoes78]

funny

 

[critterlord]

Oh, Man!

Danny, you have got me started! I am the king of jokes.

An old man is sitting on a park bench, and suddenly this young punk walks over and sits down next to him. The punk has a yellow, green, purple, and red mohawk. The old man stares at the punk's hair hard. The punk gives him a smerk and says,

"What's your problem, geezer? Didn't you do anything wild and crazy when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man says,

"When I was a young man, I got very drunk, and had sex with a parrot, and I was just wondering if you were my son."



Bonus:

What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Well, anyone can roast beef.

 

[critterlord]

Idea

I have decided that, as much as possible, I will post a new joke on this thread each day until I run out of jokes.

A computer company is trying to find a new secretary. They have three simple requests, that the secretary can write, type, and speak a foreign language. As the interviewer is sitting in the interviewing office, a dog walkings in. The interviewer looks down at him.

"Well, puppy, what would you like?"

The dog points it's nose at the job offer.

"Well, puppy, you want a job? Well, first you are going to have to write for me."

The dog grabs the pencil in his mouth and writes in clear script, Woof!

The interviewer is impressed. He points to a computer.

"Now, you need to type."

The dog walks up to the computer, and, by pushing the keys with his nose, types, Bark!

"Okay, puppy, now you have to speak in a foriegn language.

"Meow!"

 

[twinkletoes78]

those were funny critterlord.
how about this:

Good reasons to celebrate the end of the dot-com boom...

1. Real-estate ads will stop saying, "Charming 900-square-foot fixer-upper is real bargain at $750,000."

2. No more pretending you actually thought Business 2.0 was something you wanted to read.

3. Your boss is older than you again.

4. Streets are no longer blocked for weekly presidential visits.

5. We never knew what to say at launch parties anyway. "Yeah, eYada.com sounds real viable to me."

6. Capitalists need no longer be referred to as "angels."

7. Your neighborhood dry cleaner and shoe repair shop are less likely to go out of business.

8. The arugula shortage is over.

9. College grads can be enthusiastic again about making $29K a year at a worthwhile nonprofit.

10. We no longer have to see William Shatner reminding us, "You know what to do, dawg! Bust a mooooove."

11. Elvis Costello should never have had to play parties where people were younger than the song "Alison."

12. Super Bowl ads can go back to being frogs and "Wasssssup?" again.

13. Children shouldn't own cell phones.

14. The smug jerk who fired us six months ago is scanning name tags and handing out his résumé at pink-slip parties.

15. Day traders can return to their original careers—Amway salesmen.

16. We no longer have to abide by absurd company titles like "Chief Goatee Boy," "Chief Ponytail Guy" or the chipper/condescending "Office Mom."

17. Dogs probably weren't really ever meant to come to work.

18. Twenty-eight is too early for a midlife crisis.

19. Independent bookstores will remain more than just places to browse for titles before buying online and will stop going out of business.

20. Fewer coke-and-stripper binges means more time to work on tell-all memoir.

21. Paying for one's own $7 beers functionally limits incipient alcoholism.

22. Rats accustomed to foie gras leftovers are now dying out.

23. A Foosball table is no longer considered office equipment.

24. Now that portfolio's gone, no more annoying frantic margin calls from broker.

25. We can say goodbye to a simplicity movement that confused cleaner closets with cleansing the soul.

26. Lunch hour was meant for lunch, not yoga.

27. We can find receptionists who speak in complete sentences, and use words like "please" and "yes."

28. Dorky, geek eyewear has returned to its preboom status: dorky and geek.

29. We no longer have to listen to: "You live on less than $90,000 a year? How do you do it?"

30. The crash hit before "click-n-sniff" was perfected.

31. With stocks as a bad conversational gambit, party chatter can return to its proper content—gossip, backbiting and rumor-mongering.

32. Silicon Valley's aspiring trophy wives can now get a life. Or at least a job at the auto show.

33. There are fewer clueless yuppies with purebred puppies pretending to be animal lovers in the park.

34. No more stupid logos that resemble children's toys, animals, flying electrons or the Nike swoosh.

35. We can look forward to dramatic TV programs about laid-off dotcommers looking for something emotional and human, with titles like My So-Called Stock Options, Offline, and Burnt Beyond Recognition.

36. Fewer people from New York are moving here.

37. Dumb ideas can die with the dignity of never being funded, instead of being pitched to pension funds as lucrative investments.

38. We no longer have to dance under a cloud of the Clinique fragrance "Happy" in local clubs.

39. Those of us who never bought in (and thought we missed out) can once again raise our heads with dignity.

40. Starbucks can return to its status as the coffee belt for soccer moms, cops and professors, not aspiring entrepreneurs who can't afford office space.

41. We've seen the last of incomprehensible dot-com advertisements for incomprehensible clients during the Super Bowl.

42. Elegant restaurants can return to being a place for intimate gatherings between friends and lovers, not corporate hangouts for swarms of polo shirts trying to bond.

43. Accepting all that customer-appreciation graft—the free dog food, the maps, $10-off certificates—made us feel kind of sordid anyway.

44. Hello, grad school!

45. No more dot-com nonsense on freeway billboards. They made even The Gap ads seem clever.

46. We can book a room and a massage in the wine country without a yearlong wait.

47. Lines at the coffeehouse no longer snake out the door because of people ordering 12-packs of double caramel macchiato, with whip.

48. No more rants about "shallow Californians" from people who moved to California because they thought they could get rich quick.

49. Experience and talent can once again mean something.

50. All that shouting over cubicles, using excessive profanity and gorging on junk food didn't really reflect the company's mission statement.

51. Webvan won't have to change its logo again and PacBell Park, thankfully, will have to replace its Webvan cupholders.

52. Evening visits to supermarkets will replace chat rooms as the pickup spots of choice.

53. Maybe San Francisco will get some of its soul back.

54. Launch parties were becoming love-ins for former sorority sisters and frat boys.

55. Teens with pink hair who listen to MP3s for a living no longer get paid more than the national median wage.

56. Because an REI outfit doesn't go with an ROI discussion.

57. We no longer have to see Whoopi Goldberg stumping for Flooz.com.

58. The dotcom generation will have to retire at 60 after all—not 30.

59. Grandparents will stop asking us about this "Internut mumbo jumbo."

60. We might not have to wait a century or two for DSL installation.

61. Job attention span for twentysomethings can pass four months.

62. We don't have to put up with unsolicited career advice from recent high school grads who think the Ray of Light album is old-school Madonna.

63. Too many intellectual property lawyers were being spawned.

64. All of that free pizza and soft drink consumption was going to end up as a whopping Medicare bill around 2050 or so.

65. There are fewer people in skin-tight Spandex on $7,000 bikes that they don't know how to ride.

66. No more Solutions Architects.

67. Smarmy landlords have to go groveling for tenants again and engage in the humiliating process of upgrading their property before charging exorbitant rents.

68. Al Gore has stopped boasting that he invented the Internet.

69. We can return to more aesthetic ballpark names like Candlestick and Fenway—and fewer like 3Com, PacBell, Network Associates and Compaq.

70. There will be enough yellow beets and old vine zinfandel to go around at restaurants.

71. People finally have been forced to trade their gas-guzzling, highway-hogging, rollover-happy SUVs for cars you can see past of when riding behind them.

72. Money didn't buy refinement.

73. Civil service employees can go back to surfing for porn on their work computers, instead of constantly checking their stocks on the Internet.

74. Extraterrestrials will revert to visiting rural Midwesterners for attention, rather than wealthy young web CEOs.

75. People finally agree that dropping out of college after reading HTML for Dummies wasn't such a good idea after all.

76. Coming to a bookstore near you: Poverty for Dummies and Down and Out in Palo Alto.

77. The .com TLD isn't tacked onto every company's name, regardless of its product or service.

78. Slacker II.

79. Humvee limos aren't parked in front of every nice restaurant on Friday night.

80. Price/earnings ratios can orbit back from their parallel universe to the old textbook reality we know and love.

81. Service workers under the age of 30 will actually show up for work again.

82. Working at Lockheed has regained a measure of cachet.

83. All those "Silicon" place names were monotonous and unimaginative. Silicon Alley? Silicon Forest? What was next? Silicon Bowery? Silicon Rockies?

84. Kids will stop mistaking Bill Gates for the President of the United States.

85. After two years of trying to hail a cab in San Francisco, you can actually get one.

86. Silly topiary projects, untrimmed since the 2000 Q2 financials came out, are regaining their natural shape.

87. Stupid people are no longer "visionary," now just plain stupid.

88. You are finally able to determine who your real friends are. (Sorry, friend.)

89. Wearing Armani to pick up your unemployment check makes welfare fashionable again.

90. We're finally able to reach the eighth level of CoolBoarders.

91. Unemployed guys + unemployed gals = great sympathy sex.

92. A new last-hope website: Sparechange.com.

93. Excessive, tasteless spending can go back to its proper domains: aging English rock stars and one-hit-wonder hip-hop artists.

94. No more stock tips from the newspaper boy.

95. Liquidation auctions feature excellent prices on Aeron chairs.

96. We can wake up to alarm clock music again, not nail guns from a neighbor's monster home addition.

97. Walking someone to the door will once again be considered a courteous gesture.

98. An American Studies degree will no longer qualify one for employment at a high technology company.

99. Just like they said about the '60s: It had to end sometime. Thank God.

100. Psychiatrists are no longer suicidal from treating cases of "Sudden Wealth Syndrome."

 

[twinkletoes78]

TKDanny, you logo sig is driving me wild!

 

[sole seeker]

TKDanny, you logo sig is driving me wild!

That's funny, TT, your signature is driving me wild!

 

[TKDANNY]

10 things not to say to a naked man
1. Wow, and your feet are so big
2. oh, i see you brought your little brother
3. Orrrrrrr, its cute
4. so youve finally grew some heir
5. is it cold in here
6. size isnt everything right
7. i didnt know you were jewish
8. i didnt know you were a natural blond
9. it can come out now
10. is it scared

 

[critterlord]

A blind rabbit and a blind salamander bump into each other one day. The rabbit suggests that they feel each other until they can guess what each other is. The salamander goes first.

"Let's see, you have soft fur, two long ears, and a cute furry tail... you must be a rabbit."

Then the rabbit tries it.

"Let's see, your skin is slimy, and clammy... and you have no balls... You must be a lawyer."


Bonus: An elephant is looking at a naked man. He says, "Well, it's cute, but can you breath through it."

 

[TKDANNY]

A blind rabbit and a blind salamander bump into each other one day. The rabbit suggests that they feel each other until they can guess what each other is. The salamander goes first.

"Let's see, you have soft fur, two long ears, and a cute furry tail... you must be a rabbit."

Then the rabbit tries it.

"Let's see, your skin is slimy, and clammy... and you have no balls... You must be a lawyer."

did you get that joke from a little site called Jokes.com cause ive seen that joke months ago on that site

and heres mine

How do blondes kill fishes?
they tri to drawn them.

 

[critterlord]

Three journalists were walking through the Amazon jungle, with a guide, when a huge bird flew over them. White stuff began to fall from the sky. It landed smack dab on the journalists. The journalists began to wipe it off, when the guide said,

"NO, that was the Foo bird. Its excrement is a blessing. If you wipe it off before you leave the jungle, you will die."

One of the journalists laughed, and kept wiping it off. Suddenly, he gasped, and melted into a little blue puddle.

The other two journalists saw this, and began to walk towards the edge of the jungle. It was hot, and the excrement began to smell worse and worse. Finally, one of them could no longer take it. She began to wipe it off.

She gasped, and melted into a little blue puddle.

The last journalist was determined to make it out alive. But, as the sun rouse higher, it got hotter, and hotter. The smell began to sufficate him, choking him. Finally, the urge over took him. He wiped it off.

He gasped, and melted into a little blue puddle.

Moral: When the Foo shits, wear it. (When the shoe fits, wear it.)

 

[critterlord]

A man walks into a diner, and asks for a bowl of chile. The waitress says, "I'm sorry, but that man over their ordered our last bowl of chile." The man in question was just sitting their, looking at the bowl. The other man walks over and says "Excuse me, but can I have that bowl of chile?" "Oh, yeah, sure."

The first man begins to eat his chile. Half way through eating, the man hits something in the bowl with his spoon. He digs around it, and comes up with the tiny corpse of a mouse, half rotted out. He immediatly pukes back all of the chile back into the bowl. The other man leans over. "Yup, that's about as far as I got too."


Bonus: What is brown, squishy and is found between the toes of an elephant?
Slow running natives.

 

[His Divine Shadow]

I would vomit myself, but sadly, I've seen worse.

 

[critterlord]

A duck walks into a bar, sits on the bar stool, and says, "Got any hats?" The bartender gives him a funny look, and says, "No, this is a bar. We don't sell any hats." The duck shrugs, hops off the bar stool, and walks out of the bar.

The next day, the duck walks in, sits on the bar stool, and says, "Got any hats?" The bartender says, "No, this is a bar. All we sell is beer. We don't have any hats." The duck shrugs, hops off the bar stool, and walks out of the bar.

The next day, the duck walks in, sits on the bar stool, and says, "Got any hats?" By this time, the bartender is starting to get a little pissed. "No, I don't have any hats. I will never have any hats. Don't come back." The duck shrugs, hops off the bar stool, and walks out of the bar.

The next day, the duck walks in, sits on the bar stool, and says, "Got any hats?" This time, the bartender is furious. "Listen duck, this is a bar. All we serve is beer. I don't sell clothing. I will never sell clothing. If you ask for hats one more time, I'm going to NAIL you beak to this counter!" The duck's eyes get really big, and he guns out of the bar.

The next day, the duck walks in, sits on the bar stool, and says, "Got any nails?" The bartender is livid. "NO, I don't have any nails, I don't have any hats! I don't sell clothing, I don't sell hardware! All I sell is beer!"

"In that case, got any hats?"


Bonus: A lawyer walks into a bar with a duck on his shoulder. He puts the duck down on the counter. The bartender shows up. "I'm sorry, but we don't serve his kind here." The lawyer says, "Come on, its only a duck." The bartender says, "Shut up, I was talking to the duck."

 

[TKDANNY]

a women goes to her husband and says
"im going to blackpool for the weekend with the girls"
the man goes all mad but then he remembers that he dosnt want to be a man who dosnt trush his own wife and says
"okay, but take the mobile so i can check on you"
the woman smiles
"thanx darlin, and can we take the car"
the man gets mad again and says
"your pushing your look now"
the woman frowns
"well anns husband has took his car on a buisness trip, how can we get there"
okay, okay" says the man "but be careful"

about 2 hours later on the news it says that theres a car on the wrong side of the rode going from liverpool to blackpool, he is streight on the phone
"hey, watch out theres a car on the rong side of the rode"
then she says back
"they all are"

 

[Limeoutsider]

If your American when you go into a bathroom and American coming out of the bathroom, what are you when you in the bathroom?














European

 

[His Divine Shadow]

The lawyer one is often true.