Knowing when to end a 2 year relationship...

[tkltoes]

I have been with my GF for almost 2 years now. Overall, things have been mostly good between us for the duration of the relationship. However, there is one thing that has come between us not once, or twice, but 4 times. I have through various means caught her calling her EX, and then lying to me about it. Now, she has told me that they are just friends, and I can understand and live with that. However, when she swears on her deceased mother's grave that she has not talked to him, and 4 different times I find out that she has, this is troubling to say the least. The second time this happened, I broke up with her, and she went psycho and ended up in the mental hospital for 2 days. Her dad even had to come down, so I felt really guilty and didn't want to leave her in her time of need. My question is do you think that it's in both of our interests that we break up over something like this? What is a relationship if there is no trust? Am I reading into this too far? Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

Thank you in advance :wooha:

 

[eagle44]

when she goes into a mental hospital, that is when you break up and stay broken up, you don't need that problem, she is CLEARLY unstable. There are MANY wonderful women out there and you can find one to take her place, well thats my advice, for what it is worth.

 

[-Kunoke-]

Have you actually told her you found out? Or did you say something along the lines of "Did you call your EX?"

If you havn't, I suggest just talking to her straight up about it. Calling your EX isn't always some huge deal, especially if it's only 4 times over a 2 year period. Unless they are meeting in private or something of the sort, in my opinion, it's nothing to worry about. Yeah it's true...what's a relationship without trust? But then, what's a relationship without communication? Just try and see the problem as a whole before jumping to conclusions. 2 years is a long time, and it isnt worth it to sacrifice for a few incidences when you don't even know if anything is happening. But you'd know better than me I guess. Oh well, good luck.

 

[jj82277]

I agree with eagle, if breaking up with you sent her to a mental hospital, RRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNnnn. there was a movie called fatal attraction maybe you've heard of it.

but in all seriousness, an open friendship with ones ex isn't necessarily a bad thing unless they lie about it. If she knows that it is something that you are uncomfortable with and she persists, she needs to ask herself which is more important, her friendship with him or her relationship with you. and you're damn right that's fair, because 10 years down the road it will be some cute guy in the office, and it will be an even tougher decision to avoid the possibility of something happening. the two year mark is critical becaus the newness of the relationship is wearing off and the chemicals in your brain return to normal. you need to be thinking seriously in the next 6 months baout wether or not this is a person that you think yuou can marry, and the little things really matter. its better to cut off the last two years and smile that it was fun than to waste 15 and loose half your stuff. just ask my dad.

 

[Celtic_Emperor]

I agree with the general opinion thus far, but I more agree with Kunoke's concern with you knowing absolutely what is going on for sure.

Communication is very important, and however unlikely it may seem to you, nothing serious may be happening. If you are the jealous type its actually more her problem then your problem as she's got to contend with you and you may be driving her away. Consider what has put her into these episodes and try to get to the root of the matter before making up your mind.

I think it would be a horrible shame for this relationship if it was ended because of suspicion and doubt alone, with no proof to back anything up. Consider how she feels about this. From what you have said so far, this presentation of the situation seems rather one-sided. Without knowing what she's doing or how she feels its very hard for any of us to truely give you worth-while advice.

I can only say now however that it may very well be premature to end the relationship on little more than several white lies. Did you ever consider that maybe she didn't want to tell you because she thought you're the jealous type and wouldn't be able to handle it? Its hard for people to admit that type of thing, and I'm not labeling you as jealous, but you may want to consider why this is truely bothering you. Surely when you find out, you'll understand her point of view in keeping it from you.

Ultimately, a relationship is built on trust and companionship. If she's giving you additional reasons to not trust her and she's drifting farther and farther away as a companion, then perhaps you should reevaluate this relationship and either work to salvage it or be rid of it.

Professionals actually say that when couples don't argue or challenge eachother at all for the production of a relationship, its a sure sign that there already is cheating going on, or there will be, as the relationship has become so complacent and taken for granted and not built up, that infidelity is just abound.

If you and your girl have an otherwise healthy relationship, then I see no reason for you to be so upset. If you can't trust her with an ex, then you don't trust her period. Trust is absolute. Theres no such thing as trusting someone just a little bit. You either trust someone or you don't.

Again, examine your own mind, thoughts and conscience, and perhaps the fault lies there as well, and in addition to anything she may be doing that you feel isn't right.

It takes two to tango.

Talk to her, and explain how you feel and be sure to ask her how she feels. Honesty is not only the best policy, but it can redeem so much and begin a true healing when hurt and pain has been dealt.

 

[jj82277]

one question Goatman, is she a fellow phile or not, and no dilly dallying.

and alright vlad, that's it, i've had enough, now we have to go into business together. you are the first person that i can recall that has actually heard that challenge in a relationship is a healthy sign of people meshing together. I think that too many people in this country try to avoid the growing pains and live in the utopia of the honeymoon, and it just doesn't work. They estimate that it takes between 5-15 years for two partners with intense work to reach a true state of coexistance based on the health and education of the relationship, and most people frankly want the rewards without the work. sometimes i feel alone in my principles, thakn god there are those not among us among us (and yes that is a compliment)

 

[Celtic_Emperor]

Yes, the danger is in people becoming so complacent and not making the relationship better and more personal because externally all the needs are being met. They lull themselves into a false sense of well-being and security, much like alot of people do in areas of fianance, as we were talking about in your productive SS thread.

It takes a life time to know a person and to be able to honestly say that you know what they are all about and what drives and motivates them as a human being. The more you dig the more you will learn, and the more there is to appriciate, good and bad. The good is of course something to relish in, and the bad things can always be ironed out or helped in some way.

A relationship with a lover or spouse isn't too much different than a relationship with God, or the supreme being of your choice, if any. It takes a lifetime to even begin to understand Him, and the longer you walk with Him, in trial and in error, in good times and in bad, the closer you will get and the more you learn about yourself in the process.

Its the same way with relationships. True relationships are progressive, not instantious. Its just as much about the course of the living out of this relationship as it is about the relationship itself. Because it is time, virtue, and deeds of body, mind, and soul.

Its the journey that is the backbone of any relationship. Its where you're headed just as much as where you are.

So many have this wonderful gift and they are leaving it to rot. Retiring to a state of complacency where everything is adequite and underlying issues are swept under a rug to fester and never be talked about or worked though.

Such is the ruin of not just the common day relationship, but the common day family as well.

I pray to God that when and if I have a family of my own, that I will always have the virtue of being honest, truthful and open with my wife and children, and to never patronize/condecend them or fall short in my role as a husband and father.

EDIT:

And thank you for the compliment my friend. Again though, what is this "business" you speak of that we should get into? Is it some sort of law firm or something? Jones & ______ Inc. LOL! 😛

 

[ftmench]

If you remember me, I am D and sent pics to this group of Theresa. She left her husband to be with me and the same thing happened. I thought we were meant to be by destiny, but now I have given up. The best for me is to move on. I have had my heart broke before and I know someday I will be better.
Hang in there dude, it will get better.
D

 

[sole seeker1]

If this girl is that unstable, run, don't walk away!

In any case, you can't make it work without trust, unless you're willing to live without respect and without love, because the one is a basic requirement for the other.

Sounds like she's either laying a guilt-trip on you so you'll hang around, or she might end up stabbing you to death in your sleep next time she thinks you're gonna split.

So... in the words of Paul Simon, there must be 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover...
Just slip out the back, Jack!
Make a new plan, Stan!
No need to be coy, Roy!
Just get yourself free!...
Just hop on the bus, Gus!
You don't need to discuss much!...

 

[HOLLYWOOD]

the hollywood brother is not so sure that you ought ot run for the hills. first of all is it a big deal to you about her calling people from her past? To the hollywood brother that isn ot a big deal but the lying and cover up is. The fact that she went into a institution after you left her tells the hollywood brother that although she may beu nstable, you are the glue that holds her together. Perhaps you should stay a little while and try to figure things out. The hollywood brother also think that you my brother need to make a decision about what you see when you look at her. if it heaven or love than stick with her. If all you see in some dame then maybe it time to move on. Just be trueful. if there is love invloved then be careful. The hollywood brother knows all too well what life is like without love and the hollywood brother do not wish it on anyone

 

[deac956611]

I have to agree with the Hollywood Brother on this one. If you are the glue that holds her together maintain that glue. You should talk to her and put away the guessing and not talking. That will kill a realationship in a heartbeat.

 

[-Kunoke-]

the hollywood brother is not so sure that you ought ot run for the hills. first of all is it a big deal to you about her calling people from her past? To the hollywood brother that isn ot a big deal but the lying and cover up is. The fact that she went into a institution after you left her tells the hollywood brother that although she may beu nstable, you are the glue that holds her together. Perhaps you should stay a little while and try to figure things out. The hollywood brother also think that you my brother need to make a decision about what you see when you look at her. if it heaven or love than stick with her. If all you see in some dame then maybe it time to move on. Just be trueful. if there is love invloved then be careful. The hollywood brother knows all too well what life is like without love and the hollywood brother do not wish it on anyone

Leave it to the hollywood brother. You said it better than I could ever say it! Props to you man. :wooha: I may just have to join the legion of hollywood brother fans....🙄 I mean really, is it just me, or do you get more wise every time I read one of your posts?

Anyway, listen to this guy! He knows what he's talking about!

 

[Magnus1001]

If you REALLY love someone anything can be worked out. However if she really loved you she would not being lying about anything. I am sure that the thought of hurting her by leaving bothers you, but it will be less painful for the two of you in the long run.

 

[jj82277]

love, unfortunately is not a spontaneous acts. It is a serious of decisions and sacrafices made to another person. pray to whomever it is that you prey to that you make a decision based on sobriety, and knowledge, don't trust your own perception. If someone falls completely apart at the first sign of trouble, that is a sign that the relationship is based on need, and not the best choice available. that doesn't even work in football. you have to realize what will happen if you disagreed with this person on a majopr decision in your household. before you decide to dedicate your life to someone she needs time to get herself together.

 

[HOLLYWOOD]

the hollywood brother got something else for you to think of. how do you feel with her in your life. now take the away and how empty would you feel. If you think you be empty, depressed and sad then keep her and fight for her love. The love of another human being is the greatest thing in the world brother. Just because it is not in the hollywood brother life, do not let it not be in your life my brother. this has been good advice brought to you by the hollywood brother

 

[HOLLYWOOD]

KUNOKE:

stick around long enough and in between the crude hollywood brother jokes and one liners there is a real person in there who tries to bring a little reality just by being himself brother. Anytime you want to convert to a hollywood brother fanatic then just jump on board because the maina that has swept this tickling forum in the form brother of the hollywood brother has room for plenty more.

 

[tkltoes]

Thank everybody for their input!

I seriously didn't think I'd get any responses because after 3 hours I had like 4 views! Thank everyone for their advice. I really wanted to get other's take on the situation to see if I was over-reacting. Ive seen a few people say that it shouldn't be too big of a deal if she's calling her X. I agree, and Ive told her that it's not the calling that bothers me, just the lying. Every single person has helped me A LOT in putting things in perspective

Muchas Gracias!

goatman

aka

luvtoez_20_M on TMF

 

[jj82277]

wow, an advice thread that actually helped the person who asked, congrats everyone.

 

[Celtic_Emperor]

Yes, this was rather pleasing. It helps put more faith in this place as a community.