As the title suggests, this is a spoof of Tolkein material... The Hobbit, primarily, but it also contains a fair measure of LoTR. An ersatz screenplay (it was never intended for production), it's made up of 12 "scenes", the first two of which I offer tonight. The remainder will follow, one a week, until the story has been fully presented.
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Lord of the Wrongs
Scene 1: “Tour de Farce”.
Fade-in on a blinding white glare which fills the screen. Gradually, the brilliant light resolves itself into swirling, churning mist.
Narator: Travel along with me... back to a time long forgotten... back to a hidden age of mystery and enchantment...
The mist is swept away to reveal the parchment of a weathered map. Slow zoom-in on the map, which displays a vast expanse of ocean.
Narator: Journey to a mystical, magical island where lurid adventures abound...a captivating, carnal kingdom known to all as...
The camera focuses on a tiny dot of land. As the view draws nearer, the island gains definition and detail.
Narator: ... Diddle Earth!
Medium shot of the island in its entirety. Irregular coast and interior structure (myriad mountains, valleys, bays, rivers, forests, etc.) combine to form a stylized likeness of a naked couple locked in the passions of tangled, orgiastic sex.
Narator: Diddle Earth! A merry realm where high and low, rich and poor, top and bottom alike desire nothing more than peace and plenty. And ‘til recently, everyone was getting a piece, and plenty of it, too. But alas, the once stiff resolve of the people has turned flaccid. For a malignant odor now fills the formerly fragrant air, a wafting taint from the fetid, far-eastern vale of Whordor.
Pan right to the eastern end of the island, focusing on the woman’s genitalia, marked “Valley of Whordor”.
Narator: As the great, questing, central digit of Whordor’s Master extends to probe every province in the land, all save one has submitted to the terror of his dark, dominating touch.
Pan left to the opposing western shore. Focus on the male genitalia, represented by a high hill, marked on the map as “The Spire”.
Narator: Only in the distant safety of The Spire may fair folk still lead free lives, defiant of the growing gloom.
Zoom-in on the hill. As more details of The Spire become apparent, the image dissolves from the parchment map to an EXTERIOR aerial view of a genuine landscape.
Narator: Yet, can even the stolid Spire long withstand the stroking stranglehold of Whordor’s clammy grasp?
High-angle view of a small round wooden door built into the side of the hill. The camera approaches closer and closer.
Narator: Sadly, some of its more bizarre inhabitants are too distracted to pay proper attention.
End of Scene 1.
Scene 2: “A Dildo in the Dark”.
Dissolve from the previous scene to the INTERIOR of a tunnel. The mood-lighting is low and make-out music can be heard in the background. Sprawled side by side on a fluffy round bed, are two indistinct forms.
Female: But I’m nervous. I’ve never made it with anyone like you before.
Male: Then you’re in for a treat!
Female: Is it really true what they say about you folk?
Male: Let’s find out, shall we! (sound of a zipper.) There! How does that strike you?
Female: Oh my! It’s so soft and furry!
Male: It ain’t that soft, baby!
Female: (with apprehension) But it’s so small!
Male: (indignantly) I told you! Size doesn’t matter! (more mollifying) You just watch what I do with it!
Groaning and grunting.
Female: Oooooh! I’ve never felt anything so bristly!
The conversation drifts into low coital moans and giggles. Suddenly, there is a sharp rapping sound.
Female: What happened? Did I break it?
Male: Relax. That didn’t come from me.
The coupling continues. Soon, the rapping is repeated.
Female: What is that?
Male: A Peeping Tom. A woodpecker. What the hell do I know? Ignore it!
The coupling resumes once more. But so does the rapping, more insistent this time.
Female: Someone’s at the door. You better get that. It might be important.
Male: You shittin’ me?! I’m almost there!
Female: But he’s killing the mood!
Cut to an EXTERIOR close-up of the door. The tip of a phallus-headed staff raps furiously on the wood.
Male: (from inside) All right! All right, already! Keep your shorts on! I’m coming! (muttering to himself)...or at least I was!
The male, Dildo Dinkwood, opens the door, squinting into the bright sunlight.
Dildo: Look, asshole, I already subscribe! Now beat it!
The phallus descends again, rapping him on the head.
Dildo: Hey! What the fuck?!
Grandstaff: (off-screen) Dildo! Dildo Dinkwood! Well, it’s about time!
Dildo: Grandstaff?! Is that you?
Cut to a low-angle shot of Grandstaff. He’s dressed in the billowy long coat and broad-brimmed hat of a pimp suit.
Grandstaff: Of course it is, you grotty little Throbbit! I am Grandstaff, and Grandstaff is me! Grandstaff the Procurer! Shall I rap you with my Rod of Authority once more to convince you?
Dildo: No! No! That won’t be necessary! I’ve got no desire to feel your Rod!
Grandstaff: Then wipe the lust from your eyes and come with me. I have a very important job for you.
Dildo: Geez, boss! Now? (confidentially) Your timing could be better. I’m just auditioning some new talent.
Grandstaff: Another low-rent tart? Forget her!
Dildo: But she’s a blonde! A real blonde!
Grandstaff: Dildo my boy, you think small. That’s why you never get anywhere. Just what is your profession, may I ask?
Dildo: I’m a buggerer, chief. You know that.
Grandstaff: Exactly! And I have need for one. A great, golden world waits to be plucked by smart operators, but how much of it have you seen? Only the inside of a few squalid holes! I can put your equipment to far more profitable use. Now pull up your pants and meet me at the tavern in ten minutes.
Dildo: Okay, okay. Which one?
Grandstaff: Mine, dolt! The Prancing Penis! I’ll be waiting for you. Don’t be long.
Grandstaff exits.
Dildo: (calling after him.) No sir! A Throbbit is never long. (looking slyly back inside.) But he can be pretty quick when he wants to!
He dashes back into the tunnel, slamming the door.
Dissolve from the previous scene to a long-shot of The Prancing Penis Tavern. Cut to an INTERIOR shot of the happy, rollicking patrons. Dildo enters through the saloon doors and saunters up to the bar.
Dildo: (to the bartender) Pour me a tankard, Mack. And no head!
Bartender: This is The Prancing Penis, pal. Everything here has a head.
Grandstaff: (off-screen, as Dildo takes his first sip) No time for that, my boy. Come along and meet my friends.
Dildo: (putting his ale down in frustration) Second time today I’ve had to pull out early!
Dildo enters a back room, where he encounters Grandstaff and seven nubile young women.
Dildo: (immediately interested) Well, well, well! I’ve had lunch, but there’s always room for Jello!
Grandstaff: Mr. Dildo Dinkwood, please meet Miss Sleezie.
Dildo: Hello, darlin’. I’d be happy to “meat” you anytime!
Sleezie: (giggling) Oh you!
Grandstaff: And this is Floozie.
Dildo: (taking her hand) Charmed!
Grandstaff: Gropie.
Dildo: Your love-slave, ma’am.
Grandstaff: (indicating a red-head) Miss Loosie.
Dildo: Lucy?
Loosie: With two “O”s.
Dildo: (enlightened) Oh.
Grandstaff: Ditzee.
Ditzee: (tweety-bird voice) Hiya, bub!
Grandstaff: Humpie.
Dildo: Ah! We must try that sometime!
Dildo notices a spunky-looking black girl at the end of the line.
Dildo: And what’s your name, toots?
Girl: You can call me Afrodo, chump.
Dildo: (to Grandstaff) Very nice selection! Very nice! You starting your own stable?
Grandstaff: Glad you like them, my boy. They’ll be your traveling companions.
Dildo: Companions! “Bosom” chums, eh? (rubbing his palms together gleefully) I can see I’ll have my hands full! (the words suddenly sink in.) “Traveling companions”?! What “traveling”? Traveling where? What the hell are you talking about?!
Grandstaff: The job, of course. I need you to see these young ladies to their destination.
Dildo: And where is that, pray tell? (in a sudden panic of realization) Outside The Spire?
Grandstaff: Well naturally! No unexplored market opportunities here, after all.
Dildo: Out in the wilds of Diddle Earth? But that’s dangerous! Which backwoods hell-hole are they heading for, anyway?
Grandstaff: Ah! These delightful young ladies are bound for Bare-Adore.
Dildo: (stunned and flustered) Bare—Bare—Bare-Adore!!!
Grandstaff: That’s right.
Dildo: The casino-slash-strip club-slash-cat house?!
Grandstaff: To be strippers-slash-hookers. They have no croupier experience.
Dildo: In the Valley of Whordor?!!!
Grandstaff: Last time I looked.
Dildo: Run by the Dark Vicelord himself?!
Grandstaff: It is the principal stronghold of Hardon, yes.
Dildo: The Lord of the Wrongs! The Ultimate Enema of the People!
Grandstaff: I have heard him so described.
Dildo: And you think I’d willingly stick my prick into that meat-grinder? Are you nuts?! Why would you believe I’m even capable of making the trip? You need a powerful warrior to guard all those girls!
Grandstaff: Easy, my friend. I’m not sending you to protect anyone. I need your talents to keep them satisfied.
Dildo: I mean, I’m no weapons expert... come again?
Grandstaff: (with a knowing smile) The road is long between here and Whordor. If they become itchy, who’s to keep them from straying?
Dildo: All those beautiful babes! And you really think I’m the man for the job?!
Grandstaff: Of course. I don’t want them stretched out of shape before they arrive.
Dildo: (slightly put out) Yeah. Thanks a bunch. (considering) I guess I wouldn’t have to stay long. I could make the delivery and head right back. After all, is Whordor really all that bad?
Grandstaff: Then it’s settled! Ladies, come greet your escort!
The girls crowd around Dildo.
Sleezie: (quietly to Grandstaff) Are you sure he’s up to it? He looks awfully puny. Or is it true what they say about Throbbits?
Grandstaff: Don’t concern yourself about Dildo. There’s a great deal more to him than there seems. A great deal more than he sees in himself, I dare say.
Fade in. EXTERIOR. It’s a bright morning on the borders of The Spire. Grandstaff surveys Dildo and the girls, who are on the verge of departing.
Grandstaff: Keep to the path as far as possible. By the end of the day, you should reach the camp grounds of Smirkwood.
Dildo looks disgruntled. All the girls are on horseback, but he’s on foot.
Dildo: What’s the deal? Don’t I get a pony ride?
Grandstaff: I’m afraid there’s been a shortage. Hardon’s need for horses is as great as his need for women. (confidentially to Dildo) He must satisfy many appetites, you see. I was fortunate to find this many mounts.
Dildo: (not mollified) Oh. That makes me feel much better. C’mon, then. Let’s get this show on the road.
With Dildo in the lead, the party sets off into the wild. Montage: Dildo and company cross a wide variety of landscapes – forests, snow-capped mountains, deserts, jungles, etc.
Floozie: (as they finally enter a lakeside clearing) Hey Dildo! It’s way past noon! Can’t we take a break?
Dildo: (dirty, disheveled and disgusted) What’s the matter, hon? Am I pushing you too hard?
Humpie: Oh, don’t be that way! Look! We packed a picnic lunch. (she holds up a covered wicker basket.)
Floozie: (with a teasing smile) Yeah. Wouldn’t you like to see what’s underneath the cloth?
Dildo: I gotta confess, I’ve been drooling for a taste. Okay, everybody get down!
They all dismount and soon a merry picnic is underway. Some of the girls sunbathe on blankets, while others frolic in the water or play with a Frisbee.
Dildo: This must be the camping ground Grandstaff mentioned. I guess we won’t do any more mounting today.
Gropie: (lasciviously) Awww, and I was counting on it! Sure you’re not in the mood, Dildo?
Dildo: (with a leering smile) Guess I could manage some time in the saddle! C’mon!
Gropie: (as they head for tall grass) Is it really true what they say about Throbbits?
Dildo: You’ll find out soon enough!
Dildo and Gropie disappear from view. Slow fade out.
Fade in. It’s now nighttime. The girls huddle together for warmth.
Loosie: Man, it gets cold out here!
Afrodo: Yeah! If I had balls, they’d be frozen off.
Pan to Dildo, who stands away from the group, shivering.
Dildo: (teeth chattering) Speaking of which, how’s about making room for me under those blankets!
Afrodo: No way! You want to get warm, build us a fire like we asked!
Dildo: What do I look like, a Boy Scout? It’s not my fault no one remembered to pack matches.
Humpie: (pointing) Well, there’s a glow coming from that direction, so someone’s got a campfire.
Loosie: Yeah. Go borrow a burning log or something.
Dildo: But it’s so far from the trail. Grandstaff said not to wander off!
Loosie: And you always do what Daddy tells you, right? (to the other girls) Aw, I’ll bet he’s too scared to check it out!
Afrodo: He sho’ ain’t much of a man!
Dildo: (his back up) Is that what you think? Then I’ll just have to prove how wrong you are! (to himself) Probably a bunch of weary travelers, same as us. No need to worry. I won’t be in any danger. (disgusted) Damn, I got whipped in a hurry!
Dildo creeps off in the direction of the flickering light. He makes his way to a clearing where three huge bikers crowd around a roaring campfire, devouring meat off the bone. Dildo is soon close enough to read the club name on their jackets: The Trolls.
Dildo: ...ahem!...(in a squeaking voice) Excuse me, guys. (the three slowly turn to face him.) I don’t mean to disturb your meal or anything, but do you think you could see your way clear to lend us...
One of the bikers shifts position, and Dildo now notices what sort of meat is roasting on the spit: tattered scraps clinging to a human skull. The biker gestures toward it.
Dildo: (hurriedly) Oh, no thanks! I really don’t want any head right now. Sorry I bothered you...
First Biker: Well, well, well! What have we here, gents?
Second Biker: Looks like breakfast, Sid. We can eat ‘im tomorrow!
Third Biker: A scrawny thing like that? He don’t look like breakfast to me.
Second Biker: No?
Third Biker: No! He looks like dessert! We can eat ‘im tonight!
The bikers rise and hulk towards Dildo. Unexpectedly, the girls enter the clearing.
Afrodo: What the hell’s takin’ you so long?
They stop dead at the sight of the bikers.
First Biker: Now this is what I calls dessert! Feast your eyes, boys! A sweet sight, and no mistake!
Second Biker: You said it! Why, I could eat ‘em raw, right here!
First Biker: Naw, you need ta butter ‘em up good first!
Third Biker: I say sit on their faces! That’ll tenderize ‘em!
The girls, far from being terrified, are excited by these suggestions. Dildo, with his back to them, doesn’t notice. The bikers close in.
Grandstaff: (off-screen) Hands off my investment, assholes!
There is the roar of a blazing machine-gun, and the bikers’ bodies twitch with the impact of scores of fired bullets. Soon, all three lie in a lifeless, bleeding pile. Grandstaff enters, bearing the smoking weapon.
Grandstaff: A good thing I decided to check on you. Who knows what these louts might have done!
Gropie: We had a pretty good notion!
Floozie: Yeah! Couldn’t you have waited half an hour?
Grandstaff: (very stern) I didn’t finance this expedition so you could get your jollies being mauled by the Troll Patrol! You’re heading for Bare-Adore, remember? I’d appreciate it if you did so with a minimum of marring bruises.
A chorus of disappointed moaning.
Grandstaff: You might as well make use of this fire tonight. In the morning, after a hardy breakfast, I’m sure you’ll have a brighter outlook.
Ditzee: And whatta we use for food? We ate it all at lunch!
A wicked leer splits Grandstaff’s face as his gaze shifts down to the slaughtered bikers.
Fade in. It’s the following morning. The girls are once again saddled up and ready to ride.
Sleezie: Okay, path-finder. Which way now?
Dildo: According to Grandstaff, we stick to the trail. As long as no one screws around and does something stupid, we’ll make it safely through the Horny Hills. Once on the other side, we come to a log cabin in the woods. The owner will give us our next set of directions.
Sleezie: Then Talley-Ho!
The party starts off once more. They soon reach the Horny Hills and follow a narrow, winding, dangerous path into its suggestive terrain. The contours of the granite ridges and peaks resemble those of famous nude statuary: Michelangelo’s David, the Venus de Milo, Rodin’s The Kiss, etc.
Humpie: (looking into the vast darkness below) Wow! That sure is a long way down. I bet if I threw a rock over the side, it’d take ten minutes to hit the bottom.
Loosie: No way it would take that long!
Humpie: Only one way to find out.
She plucks a loose stone from the cliff wall and tosses it. After about 5 seconds of silence, a dull “clunk!” is heard, followed by a low, guttural, masculine “Owww!”
Loosie: See. I told you.
Humpie: You never know ‘til you try.
Long-shot of the party, perched high on the perilous mountain pass. As the trail nears a toothy cavern mouth, the dark, threatening sky unleashes a torrent of pelting rain.
Floozie: Hey! I’m not dressed for this!
Dildo: (ogling her wet blouse) Nonsense! You look fine!
Sleezie: You dirty little pervert! Quick, everybody into the cave!
Dildo: Hold it! Get back out here! A little rain’s not gonna kill you! (the sky erupts with a terrific lightning strike.) Make room for me!
Cut to the INTERIOR of the crowded cavern. It’s pitch black and only their voices can be heard.
Loosie: I can’t see a damned thing! Has anyone got a flashlight?
Floozie: I think I found one.
Dildo: That’s not a flashlight. But don’t let go!
Sound of a smacked face.
Afrodo: I guess we’re stuck here awhile. Might as well get comfortable.
Cut to the EXTERIOR of the cave. Rain water descends by the bucket.
Cut back to the INTERIOR. The faint sound of disco music is now audible.
Loosie: Anyone else hear that?
Afrodo: Sounds like someone’s gettin’ down!
Humpie: And it seems to be coming from the end of the tunnel! Could there possibly be a club way out here?
Floozie: You mean with drinks?!
Ditzee: And dancing?!
Gropie: And hot, hot studs?!
Several Girls: Let’s find it!
Dildo: Hold it! Hold it right there! Nobody wander off! We gotta be prepared to leave the moment this rain clears. I mean, we have responsibilities, right girls? (silence) Girls? Anybody there?
Cut to the back of the poorly illuminated tunnel. As the ladies enter, they’re immediately bathed in a kaleidoscope of colored light, coming from the entrance of a crudely-carved stone nightclub. A sign chiseled into the wall reads: “Studio 54”, with “54” rendered in Roman numerals. Underneath, it continues “5 Yellow Coin Cover Charge – Two Drink Minimum”. A huge, gargoyle-like bouncer, clad in an executioner’s hood, bars the door.
Loosie: Wow! Civilization!
Dildo: (entering in a huff) God dammit! Doesn’t anyone listen to me? (seeing the club) Jezzus Christ!
Gropie: I know! Ain’t it killer?
Dildo: That’s exactly my thought. Whatta dump! Looks like the perfect place to get your throat slit!
Humpie: Well it looks nice to me! And I’m going in! You with me, gals?
Everyone piles through the door. Dildo is left to face the bouncer.
Dildo: (calling after them) You know, I only got so much cash! Our travel allowance won’t go far at this rate! (Dildo reluctantly counts coins into the gargoyle’s open claw.) Fucking party girls!
Cut to the inside of the club. Music blares deafeningly and a mirror ball sends sparkling light in all directions. The girls instantly hit the dance floor. They gyrate with wild abandon, and are joined by a group of misshapen creatures who try a few crude moves of their own. These grotesques are obviously not human, but the thin disguise of rubber celebrity masks fools everyone.
Ditzee: What a toney joint! I just saw Burt Reynolds!
Gropie: And I just saw John Travolta!
Loosie: I saw two John Travoltas!
Ditzee: Ain’t it the most!
The lumbering gargoyles gradually advance until the girls are completely hemmed in.
Sleezie: (at long last getting wise) Uh, you’re crowding us a little, guys.
The monsters reach up with taloned hands and claw away their masks. All the girls huddle together in fright.
Humpie: Hey! What’s the gag?!
1st Gobblin: Cute chicks dig hot Gobblin men?
2nd Gobblin: Maybe you dig so much, you never want to leave!
Loosie: What the hell are you? Gobblins? I’ve never heard of Gobblins! What kind of a name is “Gobblins”? (the monsters leer with drooling, discolored fangs and loll their warty tongues in response.) Well that’s your opinion! (to the other girls) Don’t you think it’s a stupid name? Why would anybody call them that?
Cut: the same room, some time later. The girls have been suspended from the stone ceiling by padded manacles, as the Gobblins subject each one of them to licking, slobbery oral sex.
Afrodo: Knock it off, fucker! You’re not my type!
Dildo quails in a corner, a helpless witness to this outrage. The big bouncer crosses over to confront him.
Bouncer: Not thirsty tonight?
Cut to the Exit. Dildo’s body hurtles through the open door and hits the dirt hard.
Bouncer: No read sign? Two drink minimum! (turning back inside, muttering to himself) Dead-beat!
Dildo: (agitated, as he rises to wipe off the dust) What am I gonna do? What the hell am I gonna do? (pacing) This is bad! No, it’s worse than bad! Things couldn’t get nastier!
Suddenly he disappears from sight. The camera tilts down to show the dark circle of an open man-hole.
Dissolve from the previous scene to the dark tunnels of a sewer. Dildo lies flat on his face in rancid water. Shakily, he rises to assess his surroundings.
Dildo: (dismayed) Ah, shit! (scraping crud from his clothes and reacting in horror.) Ahhh! Shit!
Hurriedly, he clambers up onto a stone walkway.
Dildo: Damn! No ladder. How am I gonna get back upstairs? Maybe there’s another man-hole around here somewhere.
Dildo slowly makes his way through the piles of accumulated trash, eventually coming to an alcove which holds a number of abandoned vending machines. He checks one out.
Dildo: Well, lookie here. Bottled water! If I bought one, I could refresh myself and wash away this crud. (hefts his coin purse appraisingly) Hmmm. Better not, though. The ol’ sack’s lost a lot of weight. Can’t make any unnecessary purchases right now.
Close-up of a rusted condom dispenser.
Dildo: Wow! (rushes toward it) Mighty Mites! The only brand that fits me! They’re hard to get, too. Oh man, it’s too good to pass up!
Dildo plunks a coin into the slot and presses the button. But the decrepit machine doesn’t respond. He presses it again and again, growing increasingly irritated. Finally, in disgust, he yanks the coin return. A small round object shoots from the slot and hits the cement with a “clink!”.
Dildo: (examining it) Hey! That’s not my copper! (holding it up to the meager light) It’s a ring. A brass ring. Well I’ll be damned. I finally got the brass ring. (snorting) Not that it does me much good down here...
As Dildo fumes, a faint muttering and screeching catches his attention. He peers down the tunnel and is aghast to see that a spindly, deformed figure is heading his way.
Diagonal wipe to the interior of the stone nightclub. The chained girls squealingly submit to the ravenous tongue-attention of the Gobblins, as scores of the scabrous gargoyles await their turn.
1st Gobblin: (surveying the action) This is gold mine, Ugluk.
2nd Gobblin: You bet, Grishnak. Only need clever advertising.
1st Gobblin: How you mean, Ugluk?
2nd Gobblin: (after a moment’s thought) ...hmmm. How ‘bout this: “Try ‘Em All! Seven Delicious Flavors!”
1st Gobblin: Seven flavors? That for real?
2nd Gobblin: You bet! Just have look. (indicating Gropie, a blonde girl) Vanilla!
(moving to Afrodo, a black girl) Licorice!
(Floozie, an Asian girl) Lemon!
(Loosie, a red-head) Cherry!
(Ditzee, who defiantly makes a rude noise) Raspberry!
Diagonal wipe back to Dildo in the sewer. He watches in horrified fascination, as a furtive, skeletally thin creature enters the alcove.
Creature: (gibbering to himself) Lost! Lost! Where, oh where can it be! We hads it only yesterday, my Luscious!
Dildo: “My Luscious”? Only one creature in all of Diddle Earth would use a vocabulary that tortured. You must be Smallum, right? The pencil-dicked, inbred mental defective of the sewer system? But I thought you were just an urban myth!
Smallum: (starting back, hissing) An invader! An enemy come to rob us! (coughing) Smallum!
Dildo: Rob you?! Oh, you bet! I’m just dying to get my hands on all this precious, germ-ladden refuse!
Smallum: It admits it, my Luscious! It thinks to pilfer our treasure and makes its escape by the hidden stairway!
Dildo: Hidden stairway? Hot dog! (jovially) Come on, pal! Show me the way out. (Smallum draws back, hissing suspiciously) Don’t be that way! I’ll give you a shiny new penny!
Smallum: (slyly) So! It tries to bargain. Thinks it’s prixy, does it? Well, we has a bargain for it, Luscious! We challenges it to a contest!
Dildo: Huh? What’s this about a contest?
Smallum: If it loses, we gets to eat it!
Dildo: Say what?!
Smallum: But if it wins, it gets to eat us!
Dildo: Whoa! You’re not sweetening the deal at all! Tell you what. I accept your challenge. If I win, you can show me to the exit.
Smallum: Just as it says! Let it listen to the rules, then: We tells a rhyme, my Luscious. Once we finishes, it tells one back. If it can’t think of one...we wins! And the nasty little trespasser is ours to play with!
Dildo: (gulping) Uh, you go first.
Smallum: (clearing his throat)
A Throbbit, as everyone knows,
Passes gas through its ass and its nose.
Yet folks lies awake late
Locked in mocking debate,
Judging whether it sucks or it blows!
(cackling evilly) Beat that, my Luscious!
Dildo: (seething) Okay! Try this on for size!
A monkey who mates in the sewer,
Plies a plunger instead of his skewer.
He has found that this trade
Makes it tough to get laid,
Since no gal wants her spit sucked straight through her!
There! Like that one? I made it up on the spot!
Smallum: (muttering) This one is prixier than it looks. We best be careful. Smallum! Smallum!
Clock wipe to indicate the passing of one hour.
Dildo:
Best beware of my perjuring parrot.
He’s a bird whose word-turds bear no merit!
What vile lies he can screech
As he sounds his free speech!
Even O.J. himself would not dare it!
Smallum:
Ever swallow a succulent prune, sir?
That sweet juice leaves you loose all too soon, sir.
Please attends to a john
When the rumblings comes on,
Or you’ll counts your new suit a true ruin, sir!
Dildo: And you’d know all about that, I’m guessing!
Montage: several successive clock wipes to indicate the passing of several hours. Both contestants become increasingly bleary-eyed and disheveled.
Dildo:
...There once was a wicked old Persian
Quite perturbed by a certain aspersion:
“I deliver smart spanks
To my courtesan’s flanks.
Such a ball! Yet they call it perversion!”
(sighs) Go. (no response from Smallum.) Did you hear me? It’s your turn. (heartened by the silence.) What’s the matter? Running on empty?
Smallum: No! No! We knows one more! (aloud, but to himself) But we dares not! It tells the secret of the Luscious!
Dildo: Quit stalling! Either make with the poetry or admit I’m the winner!
Smallum: (swallowing hard) Oh woe! It leaves us no choice:
(reticently)
A circle constructed of brass
Proves a boon when pursuing a lass.
While not forged for the finger,
It sharpens the stinger
‘Til fit for the finest of ass!
Dildo: (quietly) A circle of brass? Could he possibly mean that brass ring I found in the vending machine? Maybe it’s a magic ring! (he fishes it from his pocket) Only one way to find out...
Dildo slips the ring on his finger, then whirls triumphantly to face Smallum. But no change has occurred.
Dildo: (embarrassed) Eh...excuse me. (turning his back on Smallum once more) Damn! What went wrong?
“A circle constructed of brass”...that’s got to be the ring,
“Proves a boon when pursuing a lass.
While not forged for the finger”...Oh! (he pulls the ring off.)
“It sharpens the stinger...”
Dildo looks at the small diameter of the ring, then down toward his nether regions.
Dildo: Merciful Jesus!
He raises the ring high, then slams it down over his crotch. Instantly, he disappears.
Dildo: Yeowww!!!
Smallum: The Luscious! The Luscious! It was here all along! Grrr! The nasty, prixy Throbbit! We hates it! We hates it forever!
Smallum capers madly about. Finally, he dashes clear out of the scene. Everything is stark silent for several seconds.
Dildo: (a disembodied voice) What the hell was that all about? What’s his problem? (suspicious) Uh-oh. Maybe the ring uglied-up my face.
The camera tracks the invisible Dildo as though he were still there. He looks down into the sewer water to check his appearance.
Dildo: (seeing no reflection) Holy crap! Where am I?! Where did I go?! Oh God! I wasn’t much to start with! Now I’m nothing at all!
Cut to Dildo’s shadow on the wall.
Dildo: Wait! There’s my shadow! If I still have a shadow, there must be something left. (noticing a strange detail) One fucking minute! (he turns sideways and suddenly sees that his shadow sports an enormous rigid penis.) Kee-riste! Can that be me?! (His silhouetted hands creep down the furry six-foot length of his impressive new unit.) It is! So, this is the power of the magic ring! I may be invisible, but I’m now blessed with the ultimate buggerer’s tool! (chuckling to himself as he exits) Man! I really need to check this thing out more thoroughly!
Dissolve from the previous scene to a dark section of sewer tunnel. Smallum enters, frantic.
Smallum: Horrible thief! Must stops it! But which way does it go?
Smallum presses a brick, and a whole wall section slides up to reveal an ascending staircase.
Smallum: (surveying the empty steps in frustration) No! Not up here! (raging) Nasty thieving Throbbit! When we finds it, we makes it sorry! We takes back the Luscious, and takes its furry little wang, too! (exits scene.)
Dildo: (invisible, coming from the recently opened wall) Oh no you won’t, Smallum! But thanks for opening up the stairway! I’ll look after the ring now. It was clearly too much for you. I mean, anyone dumb enough to stick it into a condom machine—
The sliding section descends once more, pounding Dildo on the head.
Dildo: Owwwch!!! (sound of his feet scampering up the steps to the exit.)
Cut to the outside of the Gobblins’ nightclub. Slow tracking shot to the entrance, where the massive bouncer is on duty. Cut to his shadow on the stone wall. Dildo’s shadow enters alongside it. His gigantic new prick shoots out to wrap itself tightly around the bouncer’s throat. Cut to a close-up of the Gobblin as he struggles with the invisible penis. At last he is throttled, his dead body slumping to the ground.
Dildo: This thing is terrific! A unit this magnificent deserves its own name. I believe I shall call you... Stinger! Just like in Smallum’s poem! Well, Stinger, one down, a whole lot more to go!
Cut to the inside of the club, where the sodomy of the girls continues unabated. Dildo’s shadow approaches the shadows of two more Gobblins. He sweeps his colossal dick from side to side, braining each of them in turn. The rest of the monstrous crew starts at the sudden violence. They search in vain for an intruder, and more fall senseless from invisible blows. The shadows show Dildo at work, strangling and clobbering at will. Gobblin bodies fly through the air to crash into furniture. When the dust finally settles, the entire Gobblin horde has been wiped out.
Cut to an EXTERIOR long-shot of the cave entrance. The recently freed girls venture outside once more.
Gropie: Well, that certainly was strange!
Floozie: Yeah! Just what happened back there, exactly?
Afrodo: And where was that bum Dildo? A lotta help he turned out ta be!
Dildo: (exiting the cave, visible again) Did someone mention my name?
Sleezie: Yes we certainly did! We’ve got a bone to pick with you, mister!
Dildo: Funny you should put it that way...
Ditzee: You left us trapped for hours with all those icky, slobbery monsters!
Dildo: Well, you’re free now, (obliquely) however it happened, (more forcefully) so let’s get back on the march, please! In case you haven’t noticed, we still need ta get outta these cursed hills! So save your bitching for a better time.
The girls mount up and the party continues on its way. Soon they leave the Horny Hills in the distance and enter a heavily wooded pine forest.
Dildo: There, up ahead! That must be the cabin we want.
Sleezie: And who’s the guy at the front door? Smokey the Bear?
They approach a house made of giant, rough-hewn pine logs. A huge, strapping man with a great black, bristling beard stands before them.
Dildo: That’s our contact. Grandstaff called him Djork.
Sleezie: Djork! I know that name! Keep an eye on him, Dildo. He’s supposed to be a shape-shifter!
Djork: (raising a huge, hairy hand) Hold it right there, by yolly! State yewer name and yewer business!
Dildo: I’m Dildo Dinkwood! These here broads are my trusted companions. I was told you’d put us up for the night, then give us directions in the morning.
Djork: Ya, shewer! That’s true! Yew can use my cabin, all rightie! But I shewer hope yew don’t think I’d dew it for free!
Dildo: (jingling the scant money in his purse) Look pal, we’re a little light on the coin. What had you planned to charge?
Cut to the cabin, half-an-hour later. The girls are lined up at the door, as Floozie, disheveled and exhausted, stumbles outside.
Djork: (from within) Next!
Gropie: (to Dildo) It’s not fair! He’s done me twice already! Look at these scuff marks!
Dildo: Quit griping and get in there! He can’t possibly last much longer! (as she enters) Holy shit! What a man!
Finally, Djork, fully satisfied, exits the cabin.
Djork: By yiminey, that was all right! Yewer a gude buncha gals, shewer enough! Go on in, all of yew. Feel free to use my bed.
Dildo: (eying his huge frame) I don’t think we’ll all fit!
Djork: Don’t wewrry. I won’t be sleeping tonight. I have some (patting a deadly looking axe) “business” tew attend tew in the woods.
Cut to the exterior of the cabin, several hours later. It has grown dark.
Cut to the INTERIOR of the cabin. Dildo lies in the middle of Djork’s giant bed, flanked by the sore, pissed-off girls.
Dildo: C’mon. Anybody? (loud, exhausted groans of disgust) One of you must be in the mood. (snarls of discontent) Now that I finally want it, you’re all too tired. (to himself) Christ! It’s like we’re married!
Everyone falls to sleep at last. Then from outside the window comes a blood-curdling scream.
Ditzee: (shaking Dildo) Dildo! Dildo, did you hear that?
Dildo: (still half-asleep) Hear what? I don’t hear nothin’. (lapses back into slumber.)
Another horrible scream.
Ditzee: What on earth was that?
Dildo: (groggily) Crickets. Go back to sleep.
Sleezie: It sounded a lot like Djork! He may be in trouble! (shaking Dildo) Get up and have a look. We need those directions tomorrow, remember?
EXTERIOR of the cabin. Dildo stumbles blearily into the woods. A further anguished cry shocks the sleep from him. He creeps cautiously through the dark trees until he reaches a clearing and a small rise. At the crest of the hill, silhouetted against a full moon, is a bent figure, shuddering in the agony of transformation.
Dildo: (with trepidation) D-D-Djork? Is that you?
Djork: (in a prissy voice) You can just bet it is, Ducky!
Close-up of Djork. The giant is now painted with rouge and dressed in a full-length evening gown.
Dildo: B-But Sleezie said you were a shape-shifter!
Djork: Close, sweetie! I’m actually a shift-shifter!
Dildo: You’re a goddam transvestite, that’s what you are!
Djork: Come with me, Sunshine! I’ve got the cutest little outfit for you!
Dildo: Back off, bastard! I’m not your boy-toy! I’m a buggerer! Nobody buggers me! (Djork doesn’t stop) All right! You’ve been warned! I hate to do this, but you leave me no choice!
Dildo gropes for his ring, but can’t find it anywhere.
Cut to the cabin INTERIOR. The ring lies where it was placed, on a nightstand.
Cut back to the EXTERIOR forest. Djork wields his mighty axe.
Djork: You’re gonna taste my chopper one way or the other!
Djork chases Dildo through the woods. At last, the giant takes a mighty swing. The axe blade misses Dildo’s head, sinking deep into the bark of a gnarled tree. With a bellow of pain, a colossal tree-man (which Djork has just axed in the ass) straightens to its full 20-foot height. It charges forward, squashing Djork underfoot.
Dildo: What a fucking mess! But he sure had it coming. (to the tree-man) Thanks, pal! I owe ya one!
Tree-man: Not at all, my little friend. (surveying the splattered Djork) Who was this ruffian, pray tell?
Dildo: (sadly) A poor tortured soul, lost in the throes of an identity crisis. Damn! He was also the only one who knew the way outta this forest.
Tree-man: Not so! I’ve lived in these woods my entire life, since I was little more than a twig with a tiny set of nuts. I can tell you anything you want to know.
Dildo: Man! That’s great news!
Tree-man: But I hope you don’t think I’d do it for free. (Dildo’s smile freezes on his face.) There is a price for such information.
Dildo: Uh-oh.
Tree-man: You see, my kind has existed for hundreds of years without any female of the species. You’ve heard of us, no doubt.
Dildo: (in a weak voice) I don’t think so.
Tree-man: Oh, we go by many titles: Sons of Beeches, Naughty Pines, Loose Spruce, Sweaty Palms, Hickory Switch Hitters...
The creature’s advancing shadow engulfs Dildo.
Cut to the INTERIOR of the cabin and the sleeping girls. Dildo’s off-screen screams can be heard in the distance.
Loosie: (groggy) What was that?
Ditzee: Crickets. Go back to sleep.
Fade out.
Fade in on the EXTERIOR of the cabin. It’s now morning, and the girls make preparations to leave. Dildo enters from the forest. He walks stiff-legged, his ass high in the air.
Ditzee: There’s Dildo now! Hi, Dildo! Did’ja hear all those crickets? They sure were loud! Lasted all night! Didn’t let up until a few minutes ago. (noticing his strange gait) What’s the matter with you, Dildo?
Dildo: (in obvious pain) Splinters.
Afrodo: You’ve been gone for hours! What have you been doin’ all this time, communin' with the wildlife?
Dildo: (surly) Yeah. I've been playing with a wood pecker.
Afrodo: So, did you get those directions or not?
Dildo throws a map on the table. Everyone gathers around to have a look. Cut to a close-up of the map.
Dildo: (voice-over) Before us lies a vast forest of holly trees. It’s almost completely impenetrable. The only way through is by using this path. (indicating a dotted line.)
Sleezie: (voice-over) Which one is it?
Dildo: (voice-over) The Path of Abstinence. (a chorus of appalled moans.)
High angle long-shot of the forbidding forest.
Dildo: Stay together, girls. We’re about to enter Holly Wood. Watch out for wolves.
High pitched whistles and cat-calls sound as Dildo and the girls enter the forest.
Dissolve from the previous scene to the ominous twilight INTERIOR world beneath the canopy of the Holly Wood. The party’s ponies march along a narrow, well-worn path, as darkness looms threateningly on either side.
Gropie: This is awful! It reminds me of a tattoo parlor I was in once.
Loosie: Did you get any work done there?
Gropie: Yeah, but I can’t show it.
Loosie: Why not?
Gropie: The guy never finished it.
Loosie: What was it supposed to say?
Gropie: “Bitchin' Babe!”
At last they come to a wide spot in the trail.
Dildo: Might as well stop for a break. We may not get another chance this good.
The girls descend from their horses to stretch, setting up a small camp. Because of the eerie, undefined noises coming from the surrounding blackness, they huddle together in a tight group.
Dildo: (nudging Sleezie) Hey!
Sleezie: (annoyed) What is it?
Dildo makes furtive gestures for her to follow.
Sleezie: (once they’re alone) So, what do you want? (Dildo makes an obscene thrusting motion with his pelvis.) Are you insane?!
Dildo: Keep your voice down!
Sleezie: (indignant) I’m not gonna let you fork me here, right in front of everybody! What do you think I am, an exhibitionist?
Dildo: No! You’re right! We definitely need privacy. Like out there, for instance. (indicating the forbidding woods.)
Sleezie: In the middle of all that unknown danger? (appraising) This isn’t like you, Dildo. You don’t like to take chances!
Dildo: (proudly) That was the old me, baby! There’s been some changes made! (seductively) Changes I think you’re really gonna like! I’ve been aching to try out something new. But the lights have to be low first.
Sleezie: (teasingly) Shy, huh? Okay. I’ll take a chance. Besides, I’ve always wondered if it’s true what they say about Throbbits! (exiting into the woods.)
Dildo: (fondling the ring, lovingly) You got no idea, hon!
Cut back to the other girls, who have built a meager campfire.
Ditzee: So whatta you gals plan to do once we reach Bare-Adore?
Afrodo: Me, I’m gonna take all them fool rube tourists between my legs and squeeze their pockets dry!
Floozie: I’m headed for the stage! I’ve got a lap dance to shorten their life expectancies! How about you?
Ditzee: Maybe I’ll specialize in hand jobs. (holding out her fingers to admire) Ever seen pinkies that perfect!
From off-screen, Sleezie shrieks with uncontrollable abandon.
Ditzee: C’mon! They’re not that bad!
Cut to the dim woods and a post-coital Dildo and Sleezie. She’s in a reverie. He’s invisible, but it’s too dark for her to notice.
Sleezie: Mister Dildo Dinkwood! You just rocked my world!
Dildo: (removing the ring to become visible once more) You hit the moon, all right. You were screaming loud enough to wake the dead! (kissing the ring, then slipping it into his pocket.)
Unbeknownst to them, evil yellow eyes have appeared in the darkness. Cut to the low, concealed forms of two gigantic spiders.
1st Spider: Intruders! What rare luck! We must tell the chief at once!
Cut to a spot deep within the forest. An expansive, cottony nest serves as headquarters for the chief of the spiders, a mountainously flabby monstrosity with eight shining eyes, eight pendulous breasts, and eight rigid, protruding dicks. With its eight spindly arms it examines various reports and photos. It sits behind a wooden desk with the name-plate: “He-Shelob, Editor-in-Chief”.
1st Spider: (entering in a rush) Stop the presses, boss! There’s fresh meat in the forest!
He-Shelob: (in a croaking butch voice) You know what to do.
Cut back to the supine, cuddling Dildo and Sleezie. Hundreds of sets of slitty yellow eyes wink open all around them. Scores of spiders creep from the trees and bushes toward the unsuspecting couple. They pause within striking range, then instantly whip out flash cameras, bathing the area in a sea of strobing light.
Dildo: (realizing the menace) Oh shit! It’s the Octarazzi! We gotta run for it!
Sleezie: (shielding her face with her arms) Leave us alone! We only want our privacy!
Dildo and Sleezie dash back to the camp, but it’s too late. The spiders have already arrived. They chase the frantic girls, snapping off photos and hounding them for interviews.
1st Spider: Is it true that you slept with over four hundred leprechauns on St. Patrick’s Day?
Gropie: Don’t you dare print that!
2nd Spider: (angling for a better picture, while Floozie fends him off) C’mon, show us your face! Don’t be shy! You know you want it! I’ll make you famous!
Three of the spiders gleefully circle Ditzee, who cowers against a tree.
3rd Spider: (poking her belly button) Press!
4th Spider: (poking her belly button) Press!
5th Spider: (grabbing her tits) Pull!
6th Spider: (chasing after Humpie) Weren’t you caught sneaking into the Royal stables with an enema syringe?
Afrodo slowly power-presses a spider against a tree trunk, squishing its gooey guts out.
Afrodo: I’ll show you the power of the press!
EXTERIOR aerial long-shot of the top of the forest, as flashes light up the interior.
7th Spider: (voice-over) Give me your opinion on dwarf/giant sex!
8th Spider: (voice-over) Do you think pixie dust will ever replace the pill?
9th Spider: (voice-over) Inquiring minds want to know!
Fade in on an EXTERIOR long-shot of the Holly Wood. Dildo and the girls emerge from the dense tree cover, sweaty and exhausted.
Dildo: (puffing hard) Damn those bastard muckrakers! We lost everything! The horses! The food! The bed-rolls! All I managed to save was the coin purse. (listening to the feeble jingling) And it’s almost tapped!
Afrodo: Buck up, Dildo. At least we escaped the woods. (examining something up ahead) And it looks like we couldn’t have drug that junk much farther anyway!
They approach a formidably high, dense hedge. An arched entryway bears a sign reading: “Amon Raw Nudist Colony – Abandon All Clothes, Ye Who Enter Here”.
Sleezie: So, this is the legendary Amon Raw! You’re right, Afrodo. This is a nature society. They don’t allow manufactured products of any kind.
Dildo: (eying the gate defiantly) I’m not baring my ass for any goddamed Hippie Pinko separatists! Just let ‘em try and stop me!
Dildo marches toward the entrance. But he doesn’t get far. Vines slither from the top of the arch, grabbing him by the johnson and chucking him back out.
Dildo: (in a high-pitched squeal) Of course, if they put it that way...
Diagonal wipe. Ten minutes have elapsed and everyone is now stripped to the skin.
Dildo: How about the cash? We might still need it.
Sleezie: You’re probably right. But if they see that sack, we’ll be in big trouble.
Dildo: So how do you suggest I smuggle it in?
The girls surround Dildo, knowing smirks on their faces. Sleezie gives his butt a playful swat.
Dildo: Oh no...
Diagonal wipe. A couple more minutes later, and Dildo has just shoved the last of the gold coins up his rectum. He covertly fondles the magic ring, then inserts it as well. Long-shot of the inside of the compound, as the party enters.
Ditzee: Wow! This is really beautiful!
Gropie: It’s just like the grounds at the Playboy mansion!
The party traverses all manner of attractive countryside, until they hear the unexpected clatter of approaching hooves.
Afrodo: Someone’s heading this way! We better get under cover!
They conceal themselves in a stand of tall brush, just as dozens of naked bareback riders roar into view.
Dildo: All of a sudden we’re at Belmont! Someone call my bookie!
Afrodo: (keeping low) Wise up, fool! That’s the Riders of Rawhide! They’re the local law. And they don’t like strangers!
As everyone watches, the horse-riders dismount to set up a volley-ball net on a smooth stretch of lawn. Soon, a spirited, bouncy game is underway.
Humpie: That looks like fun! We should join in!
Dildo: I don’t think so! They don’t look very friendly!
Humpie: Well they look nice to me! I’m going down there.
The rest anxiously watch as Humpie traipses down the hill to join the game. At once, she is seen and surrounded by the crowd of naked players.
Dildo: Maybe I was wrong. They seem harmless enough. (there is a sudden off-screen scream from Humpie.) What the...?
The Riders have taken Humpie by the arms and legs and laid her out face-down on the soft grass. Then they pull ping-pong paddles from an equipment bag and commence paddling her bare bottom.
Dildo: Hey! Look at all the expensive crap they’ve got! I thought these guys were Hippies!
Afrodo: Looks like the reports were wrong. They’re really Roughies.
The Riders line up to take their turn abusing Humpie. Some hold birch switches, some hold feathers, one guy is melting down candle wax.
Dildo: We gotta do something!
Afrodo: Too late. That’s the Amon Raw initiation ritual. She’s part of their community now.
Dildo: But I can’t stand to hear those screams!
Afrodo: Don’t worry about Humpie. She’s having the time of her life. (earnestly) She’s always been a masochist. This place will be like Heaven for her. (placing a consoling hand on Dildo’s shoulder.) Face it, Dildo. We’ve lost her.
Dildo: (turning despondently away from the scene below) I was supposed to deliver seven girls to Bare-Adore! What am I gonna tell Hardon?
Afrodo: Say we’re a sextet. That should satisfy him. (seductively) Come along with me, now! I had a long talk with Sleezie, and she told me about some shit I just gotta try! (as she disappears into the bushes) Is it really true what they say about Throbbits?
Dildo fishes out his ring, tosses it gleefully in the air, then chases after Afrodo.
Fade out.
Fade in. Dildo and the remaining girls have crossed the length of Amon Raw and now stand before the opposite gate.
Dildo: Well, there’s the exit. Once we leave here, we’re back in the real world. How’re we gonna get by without any clothes?
Gropie: Look! There’s the answer!
Gropie points toward a little hut. Outside is a sign stating “House of Legolas: Fine Formal-Wear for All Occasions”.
Dildo: What a break! I just hope our gold holds out.
Diagonal wipe: 15 minutes later. Dildo counts coins into the open palm of an elf, as the girls file from the hut in their new apparel: barrels with shoulder straps.
Dildo: You’re damn cute, you are. “Fine Formal-Wear”! You mean “Pine Formal-Wear”, don’t you? Well, there it is! The last of my cash! Hope you’re happy with yourself, you pig-fucking highwayman!
The barrel-clad crew departs Amon Raw and follows the road that will finally lead them into Whordor. Soon they reach two flanking mountains, each one a rounded dome capped with a nipple-like summit.
Dildo: There they are! The Towers of the Teats! We’ve reached the boundaries of Whordor at last!
Cut to a high angle long-shot of Dildo and the girls as they travel the road to Bare-Adore. They no longer wear barrels. Instead, each of them is clothed in an ill-fitting assortment of odds-and-ends.
Loosie: This is a fashion disaster!
Dildo: When you snatch from a clothesline you take what you can get, sister!
They soon encounter fellow travelers (stoner types in carts bearing banners which read “Bare-Adore and Bust!” and “Hardon-4-Ever!”), whose ever-increasing numbers slow progress to a crawl.
Sleezie: Can this be the right road? The traffic’s hardly moving!
Dildo: We’d be able to see better from that rise. Follow me, gals!
Their hill-top vantage-point affords Dildo’s party a splendid view of the mile-long expanse of wagons creeping toward its goal: the ominous, imposing fortress of Bare-Adore. Gaudy flashing neon illuminates the cloud-blackened sky with such alluring messages as “Bury Your Cares at BARE-ADORE!”, “All Live! All Nude! All Yours!”, “Every Taste Catered To!”, “Casino/Bordello: The Loosest Sluts in Town!”, “Check All Souls at the Door”, etc.
Dildo: There it is! Your new home!
Ditzee: Look at the line! It’ll take us a week to get in!
Dildo: Don’t be silly! That’s the main gate. We get to use the service entrance.
Pan to the other end of the castle. The row of waiting delivery carts is twice as long.
Dildo: Aw hell!
Sleezie: Not surprising, the way Bare-Adore gobbles up resources! Damn! We’ll never make it at this rate! There must be some kind of short-cut.
Dildo: (sighing) I was hoping to avoid this. But I guess there’s no choice. Girls, I’m about to let you in on a huge secret. And you can’t blab it to anyone! Promise?
The girls voice their assent. Dildo plucks the magic ring from his pocket for everyone to admire.
Dissolve to a Casino utility door. An armed thug from The Trolls motorcycle gang stands guard. Cut to his stark shadow on the sculpted brickwork. Dildo’s shadow creeps up alongside, and his enormous penis snakes over to tap the thug’s far shoulder. Startled and suspicious, the biker stalks off to search in the wrong direction.
Cut to a medium-shot as the door swings open.
Dildo: (invisible) Hurry it up! He won’t be gone long!
The girls sprint through the open entryway, the last of them squealing as she’s goosed by the invisible Dildo. Pissed, she grabs the handle and slams the door shut.
Dildo: Yeoww!
Star wipe to the luxurious INTERIOR of Bare-Adore. As Dildo grumbles and rubs his groin, the party passes dozens of high-rollers and merry-makers.
Gropie: Feel the electricity? I’m just aching to get started!
Dildo: (sourly) Yeah. I’m aching pretty good myself.
Floozie: Let’s find Hardon and sign those contracts!
They soon locate the private offices of Whordor’s dark master. Attendants usher them directly before the Lord of the Wrongs, whose identity is obscured by a full suit of obscenely filigreed armor and a billowing black cloak. He lounges on a plush, pink, inflatable plastic throne, absently fondling one of his private toys, a voluptuous, feral Tiger Woman.
Dildo: (quietly, to Sleezie) Some macho big-shot! We show up just in time to catch him playing with his pussy!
Hardon: (in a deep, commanding tone) Ah! The lovely ladies I ordered from the land of the Spire! Welcome to my modest pleasure palace! I’m sure each of you will achieve the fame and fortune you deserve! (addressing Dildo) And this must be your valiant escort!
Dildo: (with false cheer) Yup! Got ‘em here safe and sound. Not a scratch on ‘em, no deep ones anyway. So, if you’ll just fork over my fee, I’ll leave you to your important affairs...
Hardon: Nonsense, my honored guest! I wouldn’t dream of releasing you so soon! Not before you’ve had an opportunity to sample the delights of this intoxicating realm! Let none impugn the hospitality of Hardon! For a few precious days, Bare-Adore is yours to diddle as you desire!
Dildo: I’ll be go to hell! You’re not nearly as bad as the rumors claim!
Hardon: (jovially) I am a most misunderstood man! (clapping for attendants) See these tired travelers to a private suite! Fulfill their every want! Soothe them! Pamper them!
Dildo and the girls gleefully exit with the attendants.
Hardon: (musing) So, Dildo Dinkwood comes into the claws of Whordor at last, bearing the very power I need to make sucking slaves of all in Diddle Earth! But how to wrest it from him... (to the Tiger Woman) I’ve got it! Use your cunning wiles to tempt those tender chicks into the Play Room. They will serve as the perfect leverage!
Star wipe to Dildo’s private suite. He and the girls have taken full advantage of Hardon’s largess, lolling about in silk pajamas and sipping tropical drinks. Floozie and Gropie receive massages, while Loosie gets a pedicure. Dildo sprawls on a heart-shaped bed, disgustedly perusing a newspaper, The Weekly World Snot-Rag. The bold headline states, “Half-pint caught in Holly Wood Love Nest with Seven Hookers!” His own harried face graces the accompanying photo.
Dildo: Call this a complimentary paper?! Damn fucking spider bastards!
Loosie: (to the pedicurist) I simply must visit a beauty salon, hon. Can you direct me?
Afrodo: I’m gonna hit the Casino, check out the action. (to Sleezie) You comin’?
Dildo: (plaintively) Hey, don’t go wandering off! Doesn’t anyone want to play?
Ditzee: You can deal me in, Dildo. (giggling conspiratorially) But how about slipping on your ring first? I wanna ride that monster ‘til dawn!
Dildo: (pulling her close) I’m gonna ball your brains out!
Ditzee: (chirpily) Too late!
Cut to a long-shot of the wandering Loosie, as she searches Bare-Adore’s boutiques for a beauty parlor. Soon, she sees a shop with an obviously bogus, crude cardboard sign stating “Booty Saloon: Die Jobs a Speshilty”.
Loosie: Finally! A place to get my hair done! Just in time to save my fading roots!
She enters.
Loosie: (voice-over, from behind the closed door) Hey! Where are the chairs? Where’s all the equipment? Who the hell are you guys? Take your hands off me, you pricks! (she utters a long, shrill scream.)
Fade in on the recumbent Dildo, snoring away in his suite after an exhausting night of passion. A knock sounds at the chamber door. Off-screen, Ditzee answers it.
Ditzee: Yes? What is it?
Delivery Boy: A message for you, ma’am.
Ditzee: (opening the note) Well isn’t that wonderful news! Thank you!
Delivery Boy: Sure ma’am. Hows about a tip?
Ditzee: Why certainly! Will this do?
Delivery Boy: Very nicely! Thank you very much, ma’am!
Ditzee: What the hell! Have ‘em both!
They exit, giggling. The sound of the closing door wakes Dildo.
Dildo: Wow, what a night! You sure were sweet, babe! Now, how’s about rustling up some breakfast for ol’ Dildo, eh? (no response) Ditzee? You there? (still no response) Now where the hell did she go?
Cut back to Bare-Adore’s retail mall. Ditzee scans the note and compares it to the sign in a shop window. It’s the same shop Loosie visited, with another crude cardboard message reading “Win Free Trip tu Hu-Wi-He!”.
Ditzee: (entering) Gloriosky! What have I got to lose!
Cut to Dildo’s suite. He’s now spiffed up and ready for some action, when Sleezie and Afrodo burst through the door, obviously distressed.
Dildo: What luck! I needed a gal, now I got one for each hand!
Afrodo: (brusquely) Forget that! We got real disturbing news.
Sleezie: Loosie and Gropie are gone! Disappeared sometime last night!
Dildo: Whatta you mean “disappeared”? Like kidnapped? Don’t be ridiculous! Bare-Adore’s a big place. They’re just off somewhere having fun.
Cut to the Play Room, a cushiony, mink-lined torture chamber. Loosie, Gropie and Ditzee (bound and vulnerable on a web-like network of black ropes) squirm and squeal, as nine Tiger Women lick and stroke their naked bodies. Nearby, Hardon gloats.
Hardon: You are very, very lucky young ladies. My pets are unparalleled at the art of sensual stimulation. They have been specially conditioned to note your slightest sensitivity, then exploit it and magnify it a hundred-fold. (musing) Alas, some poor souls even lose their minds from the overload of pleasure!
Loosie: (shrieking with uncontrollable laughter) This isn’t right! This isn’t nice! I only came in here to get my hair done!
Hardon: Oh, my apologies! Pardon my neglect! (to a Tiger Woman) Miss Wormtongue! See to the lady’s hair, please.
The Tiger Woman stops licking under Loosie’s arm and commences muff diving.
Cut back to Dildo’s suite.
Sleezie: Something stinks, Dildo. Floozie’s dug up a lot of ugly dirt on Hardon’s operation.
Dildo: And where is she exactly?
Afrodo: Right in the thick of things. Got herself a gig at the Blazing Balrog strip joint.
Sleezie: The gals down there have plenty to say, and none of it’s good. Go see her, Dildo. She can give you all the details.
Diagonal wipe to the Blazing Balrog Strip Club (a sign outside reads: “Hotter than the Hinges of Hell!”) Inside, Dildo waits at the edge of the runway, as Floozie begins her routine.
Floozie: (to Dildo, under her breath) Glad you showed. I’ve got a story to curl your short-hairs. (sharply) Quick! Make with the money, or I’ll have to move on!
Dildo: (stuffing bills under her G-string) You really think Hardon’s holding those poor girls?
Floozie: I know it! He plans to use them to get to you. He figures you’ll do anything to save them.
Dildo: And I will, too! Why not? With the Stinger at my command, I’m unbeatable!
Floozie: But he’s not alone, see. He’s got nine fearsome servants. Too many for even you to handle. (noticing the “bills” he’s been inserting.) Hey! Are those I.O.U.s?
Dildo: (making out a fresh slip) I can’t help it! I haven’t been paid yet, you know!
Floozie: Jack-ass! You’re calling attention to us! (gesturing) Wait in the corner. I’ll give you a private lap dance so we can speak more freely.
Cut back to the Play Room, where the sensual abuse continues.
Gropie: Stop it! Stop it! I can’t take anymore! I’ll tell you whatever you want!
Hardon raises his armored hand to signal a halt.
Loosie: No Gropie! Don’t do it!
Hardon: Yes, dear girl?
Gropie: (babbling hysterically) It’s Dildo you want, see? Dildo! He has this ring, and it gives him all sorts of super-powers! If you had it, no one could stop you! There! I told you! Now please let me go!
Hardon: Yes, the ring. That is the crux of the matter. (signals for the torment to continue.)
Gropie: (wild-eyed) But I told you! You found out what you wanted!
Hardon: Now, now. Did you really think I was having you tortured for information? Of course not! I’m having you tortured for fun. Silly child! I already know about the ring! Your discomfort is what will bring it here to me!
Cut back to the Blazing Balrog. Floozie gyrates in a sizzling lap dance. It’s so hot, Dildo can’t concentrate on her story.
Floozie: Hardon’s Tiger Women are ferocious hermaphrodites. They’re known as his “Nads-gals”. If they ever get their claws into you, they’ll tear you to pieces, then fuck the pieces. (noticing his hypnotized expression) Are you listening to me!
Floozie: (grasping his face in both hands) Snap out of it, dammit! Sleezie and Afrodo and I will serve as your backup. But we’re going to need some fire-power first.
Dildo: ... you already look... fully loaded...
Floozie angrily whacks him with her tassels.
Dildo: (coming around) What? Fire-power? (sarcastically) Want I should whistle up an atom bomb or something? Where am I supposed to find any fire-power?
Floozie: Hardon supposedly holds some ultra-powerful weapons in his treasure vault: six mystical jewels called the Stimurilles. With those in our possession, I’m sure we could handle the Nads-gals easily.
Dildo: And all I have ta do is snag these magic rocks?
Floozie: Don’t think it’ll be easy! They’re sure to be guarded. But if we want to rescue our friends, we don’t have much choice. (ending her routine) There! That’s all you get for now!
Dildo: (disappointed) Awww! C’mon!
Floozie: Bring back what I want, then we’ll talk tease.
Dissolve to a long-shot of Hardon’s treasure vault. It’s filled to overflowing with heaps of precious metals and gems, huge golden statues with enormous stiffies, and in the exact center, a gigantic, gilt, god-like torso, the priceless Stimurilles installed in its multiple navels. The chamber is thick with swirling fumes. An invisible Dildo enters the scene, bearing a weighty key in his unseen grip.
Dildo: Piece of cake! Could’a had that guard’s jock too, if I’d wanted it! (removing the ring to become visible once more.) And now that I’m here, I’ll do as I damn well please! Might as well fill up. I hate being poor! But I’ll snag those Stimurilles first.
Dildo clambers onto the titanic metallic tummy, wrenching one of the glittering gems free from its socket.
Dildo: (basking in its luster) Sweet!
Suddenly, a deafening roar splits the heavy mist, and a towering wyvern pounds its way across the shining golden field to attack. As her huge, bulbous tits indicate, she is a female.
Dildo: (frozen in terror) Shit on a stick!
The wyvern rears back and unleashes a twin spray of liquid fire from her bulging breasts, missing Dildo by inches and melting a silver statue behind him. He leaps from his perch, landing with a metalic thud on a pile of coins. Groping for his ring, he slips it down his pants, instantly vanishing. The wyvern stalks the treasure vault, snuffling the air for signs of her prey. Dildo stumbles, and she sends out another burst of lactate flame, liquefying a great mound of coins into golden lava. Close-up of the invisible Dildo (the space he would occupy.)
Dildo: (softly) Son of a bitch! How do I fight this monster? That fire of hers can melt through anything! (pausing a moment) Hold on! Maybe that’s the answer!
Traveling shot of the invisible Dildo as he dashes to the base of the largest golden statue. It rivals the wyvern in size, a colossus with outstretched arms and an imposing, protruding dick. Dildo removes the ring and becomes visible at once.
Dildo: (taunting) Over here, skank! You couldn’t hit the broadside of a brothel!
The wyvern wheels, evilly eyes her opponent, then squirts another double-dose of the searing napalm. Dildo streaks away just in time. The withering blast misses him and strikes the ankles of the statue, softening the metal into cascading molten streams. The burnished colossus totters toward the unsuspecting wyvern, crashes down on her at last, its mighty phallus inserting neatly into her vagina, its vast weight pinning her against the stone floor.
Dildo: (as the wyvern thrashes) Enjoy yourself, honey. I’ll just pluck me the rest of these Stimurilles.
Dildo returns to his sparkling harvest as the trapped wyvern kicks at the statue, bucking its butt into a simulated humping motion.
Dildo: (suddenly nervous) Uh-oh! I don’t want to be anywhere around when that cherry pops!
He secures the last jewel and dashes madly away, just in time to avoid a hellish fiery cataclysm which engulfs the chamber.
Dissolve to the Play Room. The three captured girls lie slack in their dark webbing, vacant eyes fixed in spent, mindless reverie.
Tiger Woman: Lord Hardon! The human meat has been made fully receptive!
Hardon: Then let the ritual begin!
Three cloaked, hooded Nads-gals approach the prone figures. They throw open their robes to reveal erect, ready members. As the other savage Tiger Women hum and chant, they swarm over the three girls, engulfing them completely in the bat-like blackness of their cloaks.
Slow dissolve to the inside of Dildo’s private suite. He has just delivered the purloined Stimurilles. The girls fix the jewels into their navels, then wait anxiously for a reaction.
Dildo: (breaking the silence) Well? What do you think? Are those belly-dancer gee-gaws worth all the panic it took to get them?
Afrodo: (suddenly standing tall and proud) I’ll say! I feel all volted up!
Floozie: Power is coursing through my body!
Sleezie: I could handle an army!
Dildo: (relieved and excited) That’s great! Now we can go to the rescue!
Sleezie: But how? We don’t know the right direction!
Dildo: You just leave that to me!
Dildo dons his magic ring once more, turning invisible. Cut to his shadow on the apartment wall. The head of his enormous penis flicks back and forth, like a dog seeking a scent. Suddenly, it snaps to rigid attention.
Dildo: It’s them! Follow me, gals!
Diagonal wipe to the Play Room. Dildo and his rescue team break through the chamber door to find Loosie, Gropie and Ditzee lying quiescent on a shroud-draped water bed. The kidnapped girls are now clad in the cloak-and-cowl costumes of the Nads-gals. Sleezie stoops to make an examination.
Dildo: What’s the matter? Have we come too late?
Sleezie: No. But things look bad. (she throws back a cloak to reveal Ditzee. The girl’s crotch shows the very faintest hint of tiger-striping.) See? It’s the Nads-gal semen. A single drop must have penetrated her diaphragm.
Afrodo: If that poison reaches her G-spot, it’s all over. She’ll turn into one of them!
1st Tiger Woman: (off-screen) Yes, with a nice, proud prong! All of them are marked. We will soon have three new sister/brothers!
Cut to the nine Tiger Women.
2nd Tiger Woman: You human meat are weak! You can’t stand up to Tiger kind! We will have you for our food!
Floozie: (baring her midriff to expose the Stimurille) We’ll see about that!
Floozie starts to bump and grind in a wild, sensuous dance. Her Stimurille glows with an ever-increasing white light, shooting out waves of blinding color. Sleezie and Afrodo join in. Their light beams combine, forming a dazzling rainbow. The Nads-gals recoil from the brilliance.
Dildo: Keep it up! You’ve got ‘em on the run!
They force the Tiger Women to the back of the Play Room, toward a holding cell. Dildo opens the barred door, while the girls use their Stimurilles to herd them inside.
Dildo: (once the cell door is securely locked) That worked like a charm! (turning grave) But what about Ditzee? And Gropie? And Loosie? What can we do for them?
Sleezie: We’ll use all our skills to suck out the venom. (Floozie and Afrodo immediately begin oral sex on the prone girls.) But as long as Hardon lives, they’ll be in danger!
Dildo: (with determination) Then it’s all up to me! Me and Stinger!
Dildo exits through an ornate gate, searching for Hardon.
Diagonal wipe to a vast, circular chamber spanned by an arched bridge. Below, a sea of boiling liquid sends up clouds of acrid fumes. At the end of the arch, Hardon sits upon his spindly, bone-encrusted throne. He nonchalantly tosses small objects into the steaming abyss. Dildo enters from a doorway at the other end.
Hardon: Welcome to my inner sanctum, Dildo. (tosses another of the objects over the side, to the terrible sound of snarling, splashing and gnashing.) This is the place where I feel most at home.
Dildo: (gazing into the pit) Yeah. It’s homey, all right. Nothing quainter than the sight of some guy tossing bones to his pet monsters.
Hardon: Bones? Look more closely, please.
Close up of the food bowl. Hardon reaches in to retrieve a severed penis.
Dildo: Good Lord! They’re not bones! They’re boners!
Hardon: Yes. From recent enemies. I have a great many, you see. But none of them bother me for long.
Dildo: Yeah? Well, this one won’t bother you for long either! Just long enough ta stuff your prick down your throat!
Hardon: A bold boast! But can you back it up?
Dildo: (taking out the ring) I’ll back you into the wall, buddy!
Hardon: Ah yes, the fabled ring! I knew you had it in your possession. But I really don’t believe you can wield it.
Dildo: You don’t, huh?
Hardon: (with force) No! Because you’re a little man, Dildo Dinkwood. (rising to his full threatening height) You do not command respect. Or authority. Or fear. That ring is not for the likes of you. (advancing) Look into the angry, raging broth below you. A sea of boiling Vaseline! That is where your broken body is destined to go. I shall hurl it there myself. The ring shall slip easily from your puny prick, and I shall take back my property at my leisure.
Dildo: Whadda you mean “your” property!?
Hardon: Oh yes indeed. The ring belongs to me. You may claim ownership, the temporary ownership of any thief. But I am its rightful master! In the end, it will serve none but me. So you see, things are not as simple as they seem. No, not at all, my Luscious!
Dildo: (racked by self-doubt) If that’s true, the ring’s been fooling me all along! I never had any true power! Then how can I win? I – I can’t!... (a sudden flash of realization) Hey! Wait a minute! What the hell did you just say?!
Hardon: (a moment’s pause) Come again?
Dildo: That last bit! You know, right after “Things aren’t all that simple”, whatever.
Hardon: (fumbling slightly) Oh. probably, “Death.” “Terror.” “Disembowelment.” Something of that sort. I really didn’t keep track. (coughing) Smallum! Smallum!
Dildo: Aw, for fucking Christ’s sake! (advancing, with a renewed, shrewd confidence) I don’t believe it! I know you now!
Hardon: Of course you know me! I am Hardon! The Dark Vicelord! The Master of Whordor! The Lord of the Wrongs!
Dildo: You sure as shit are not! (in a wheedling voice) Come on out, Smallum!
The huge figure of Hardon stands trembling. He raises the helmet’s visor to reveal the diminutive, anguished face of Smallum.
Smallum: But we is the Dark Vicelord! We is! We is!
Dildo: You are the Dark Vice-fraud, that’s what you are! How the hell do you stay in that suit! It must have a ton of padding!
Smallum: No! We is Hardon, Luscious! We hasn’t been Smallum for ages! We was once, yes. Long, long ago, in the old unhappy days. (lost in memory) Oh yes. They hates us back then. No fault of Smallum, but they hates us all the same! “Little Noodle Smallum!” “Mr. Three-Incher Smallum!” “Smallum the Pencil Dick!” They drives us away! Far away into the dark, safe sewer! The sewer, where none ever mocks us!
Dildo: And down there, that’s where you found the ring.
Smallum: Yes, my Luscious! We finds it! We finds the mighty Viag-Ring! A lost wonder it is, from a forgotten age long ago! And we wears the Viag-Ring! (triumphantly) And when we does, we’re not Smallum any more! We’re Biggum!
Dildo: On that day, Hardon was born!
Smallum: Oh yes! We fashions the Armor! We tames the Nads-gals! We builds Bare-Adore! The ring makes it all possible! The ring makes everything possible, my Luscious... until we loses it! We loses the almighty Luscious... to the hands of a nasty, prixy Throbbit thief! You!
Dildo: I didn’t steal the damn thing! I found it! I found it in that god damned condom machine! Why did you do it? How the hell could you ever put that ring into a condom dispenser?!
Smallum: It was in error, Luscious! We did not know! We thought it was a copper!
Dildo: Yeah. They are about the same size. And Mighty Mites are awfully hard to come by. As a fellow shorty, I know that all too well. You’ve got my sympathy, Smallum. But you lost the ring fair-and-square. And I found it fair-and-square. It’s mine now. You gotta live with that.
Smallum resolutely lowers the visor once more.
Hardon: No. We does not! (clearing his throat) Pardon me. I do not! You’re the one who must live with it... (throws back his cloak)... for about thirty more seconds!
The open cloak reveals a great metallic phallus, filigreed, studded with saw teeth, and capped by an extendible iron mace. With a riot of mechanical whirring and clanking, the weapon elevates into its “armed” position.
Hardon: (with pride) Gaze upon it! The Wrought-Wang 3000! The ultimate in penetration technology!
Dildo: (appraisingly) Hmmm. Doesn’t look very natural.
Hardon: (affronted) What do you mean by that?
Dildo: It’s so fake! It doesn’t even match the rest of your armor!
Hardon: (blazing hot) How it looks isn’t important! You should only consider how it feels!
Hardon lunges to the attack, wielding his phallus as he would a sword.
Dildo: So, it’s a cock-fight you want, huh? Then it’s a cock-fight you’re gonna get!
Dildo slips on the ring. Flickering shadows herald the rebirth of Stinger, his enormous wonder-penis. The two warriors cross “blades”, then fence back and forth, perilously poised above the frothing miasma. They are evenly matched. Neither can claim a clear advantage.
Hardon: You fight well for an invisible shrimp!
Dildo: And you fight well for a loud-mouth ass-hole!
Finally, Dildo stumbles. Hardon presses him to the brink. The shadows reveal Stinger clinging desperately to Hardon’s spiky phallus for support.
Hardon: This is the end, Dildo! But before you go, I’d like you to tell me something. Is it true what they say about Throbbits?
Dildo: (valiantly) Yes! Fuck with one, and you’re in for a hairy time!
Dildo regains his balance. He uses Stinger’s leverage to flip Hardon high into the air, crashing him down again in a tangled heap. The Wrought-Wang 3000 shatters at the base and plunges into the bubbling liquid below. Hardon, his suit a splintered ruin, staggers to his feet.
Smallum: (opening the visor) This is the end of us! We hads only a little tool, and now we has none at all! We curses the nasty little Throbbit! We curses it forever!
Milky discharge gushes from Hardon’s savaged crotch. The suit shudders and bursts with steam. Seminal hydraulic fluid sprays out of every joint. Hardon shrieks one final time and the armor breaks to pieces, trailing smoky ruin as it plummets into the boiling abyss.
Dildo: (gazing over the side) Man! What a thrilling climax!
Star wipe to the EXTERIOR of Bare-Adore, some time later. A hastily installed sign reads: “Under New Management”. Cut to an INTERIOR shot of seven magnificent thrones atop a high, wide flight of stairs. Dildo occupies the center seat, the Viag-Ring on a golden chain around his neck. He is flanked by Sleezie, Floozie, Gropie, Loosie, Ditzee, and Afrodo. Each of them wears her Stimurille. Behind them, the nine grim Nads-gals stand guard, and from below come the sounds of celebration.
Herald: (off-screen) Presenting the honorable Miss Humpie!
Humpie ascends the stairs to greet Dildo. She is no longer the callow girl from before, but a proud Rider of Rawhide.
Humpie: Amon-Raw sends its congratulations, Lord Dildo!
Dildo: Thanks, Humpie! Hope you can stay awhile. (with a leer) We’ve got a Play Room you’re sure to love!
Humpie bows and exits.
Herald: (off-screen) Presenting Grandstaff the Procurer, from the land of The Spire!
Grandstaff enters.
Grandstaff: Mr. Dildo Dinkwood! Or should I say, Lord Dildo! You have done handsomely for yourself indeed!
Dildo: Well, if it isn’t the guy who started it all! Grandstaff, you old bastard! It’s great to see you!
Grandstaff: And now that you’ve become the ruler of all Diddle Earth, what are your plans?
Dildo: First, I intend to marry these six lovely ladies! They’ll become my queens!
Grandstaff: A very wise decision! With these loyal helpmates at your side, you can rest easy. Your reign shall remain secure for all of time!
Cut to a close-up of Grandstaff, as he slyly winks.
Cut to a medium shot of the girls, as in unison they covertly return the wink. Dildo is too puffed up and distracted by the cheering crowd to notice.
Slow dissolve to the parchment map from the first scene.
Smallum: (in an echoing voice-over)
A silly young soul from The Spire,
While asserting his rights as a Sire,
Lets the hands ‘round his head
Do the talking instead,
And so comes to an early retire.
Thanks very much for writing, Musicroxmysox09!!! 😀 I'd lost hope that anyone would reply for this thread... I'm very happy you enjoyed the story!
I have written a couple of other parodies (one for "King Kong" and one for "Raiders of the Lost Ark"), but unlike "Lord of the Wrongs" they're several decades old... the humor is painfully sophomoric and I wouldn't inflict them on anyone now. If I come up with anything new, I'll be sure to offer it here, though!
