Lord of the Wrongs, scene 3 (naughty burlesque).

[Low_Roads]

... in which our hero makes an unexpected trip to the smorgasbord...

* * *
Lord of the Wrongs

Scene 3: “Many Meatings”​

Dissolve from the previous scene to a long-shot of The Prancing Penis Tavern. Cut to an INTERIOR shot of the happy, rollicking patrons. Dildo enters through the saloon doors and saunters up to the bar.

Dildo: (to the bartender) Pour me a tankard, Mack. And no head!

Bartender: This is The Prancing Penis, pal. Everything here has a head.

Grandstaff: (off-screen, as Dildo takes his first sip) No time for that, my boy. Come along and meet my friends.

Dildo: (putting his ale down in frustration) Second time today I’ve had to pull out early!

Dildo enters a back room, where he encounters Grandstaff and seven nubile young women.

Dildo: (immediately interested) Well, well, well! I’ve had lunch, but there’s always room for Jello!

Grandstaff: Mr. Dildo Dinkwood, please meet Miss Sleezie.

Dildo: Hello, darlin’. I’d be happy to “meat” you anytime!

Sleezie: (giggling) Oh you!

Grandstaff: And this is Floozie.

Dildo: (taking her hand) Charmed!

Grandstaff: Gropie.

Dildo: Your love-slave, ma’am.

Grandstaff: (indicating a red-head) Miss Loosie.

Dildo: Lucy?

Loosie: With two “O”s.

Dildo: (enlightened) Oh.

Grandstaff: Ditzee.

Ditzee: (tweety-bird voice) Hiya, bub!

Grandstaff: Humpie.

Dildo: Ah! We must try that sometime!

Dildo notices a spunky-looking black girl at the end of the line.

Dildo: And what’s your name, toots?

Girl: You can call me Afrodo, chump.

Dildo: (to Grandstaff) Very nice selection! Very nice! You starting your own stable?

Grandstaff: Glad you like them, my boy. They’ll be your traveling companions.

Dildo: Companions! “Bosom” chums, eh? (rubbing his palms together gleefully) I can see I’ll have my hands full! (the words suddenly sink in.) “Traveling companions”?! What “traveling”? Traveling where? What the hell are you talking about?!

Grandstaff: The job, of course. I need you to see these young ladies to their destination.

Dildo: And where is that, pray tell? (in a sudden panic of realization) Outside The Spire?

Grandstaff: Well naturally! No unexplored market opportunities here, after all.

Dildo: Out in the wilds of Diddle Earth? But that’s dangerous! Which backwoods hell-hole are they heading for, anyway?

Grandstaff: Ah! These delightful young ladies are bound for Bare-Adore.

Dildo: (stunned and flustered) Bare—Bare—Bare-Adore!!!

Grandstaff: That’s right.

Dildo: The casino-slash-strip club-slash-cat house?!

Grandstaff: To be strippers-slash-hookers. They have no croupier experience.

Dildo: In the Valley of Whordor?!!!

Grandstaff: Last time I looked.

Dildo: Run by the Dark Vicelord himself?!

Grandstaff: It is the principal stronghold of Hardon, yes.

Dildo: The Lord of the Wrongs! The Ultimate Enema of the People!

Grandstaff: I have heard him so described.

Dildo: And you think I’d willingly stick my prick into that meat-grinder? Are you nuts?! Why would you believe I’m even capable of making the trip? You need a powerful warrior to guard all those girls!

Grandstaff: Easy, my friend. I’m not sending you to protect anyone. I need your talents to keep them satisfied.

Dildo: I mean, I’m no weapons expert... come again?

Grandstaff: (with a knowing smile) The road is long between here and Whordor. If they become itchy, who’s to keep them from straying?

Dildo: All those beautiful babes! And you really think I’m the man for the job?!

Grandstaff: Of course. I don’t want them stretched out of shape before they arrive.

Dildo: (slightly put out) Yeah. Thanks a bunch. (considering) I guess I wouldn’t have to stay long. I could make the delivery and head right back. After all, is Whordor really all that bad?

Grandstaff: Then it’s settled! Ladies, come greet your escort!

The girls crowd around Dildo.

Sleezie: (quietly to Grandstaff) Are you sure he’s up to it? He looks awfully puny. Or is it true what they say about Throbbits?

Grandstaff: Don’t concern yourself about Dildo. There’s a great deal more to him than there seems. A great deal more than he sees in himself, I dare say.

Fade out.

End of Scene 3.​

Next week- Scene 4: “The Road to Whordor”.

Link to Chapters 1 & 2: http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?p=335385#post335385
Link to Chapter 4: http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=34521

 

[TKLVR181]

*giggles* funny, pun-y, and naughty, just as we had hoped. Love the puns on the names! Can't wait to see more😉

~K

 

[Low_Roads]

Thank you, Karen! I'm very pleased you liked the punning... generally I'm a little leery of puns (they can be awfully painful when they don't work) and usually use them only in titles. More this coming Wednesday, early as I can manage!

Eagerly awaiting the next devilish/devine installment of "Prophecy" (spelled right this time! :redface: I learn as I go!)

 

[Journia]

This is just like the book....Porno by Tolkien......

I like this installment, when I saw it up, I quit everything I was doing to read this. I was not disappointed. The Throbbit and the Wizard are great.

 

[Low_Roads]

Much thanks, J! Coming from a fine fellow author, these compliments mean a lot! Well, the preliminaries are behind us now. Next week, expect the start of some real action (in both senses of the word!)

 

[Kalamos]

Hey, T[h]robbits are for reals!
And I even managed to get about 90% of the puns, too! 😀

-> http://www.virtualtoychest.com/blackstar/bkstartrobbit2c.jpg

 

[Low_Roads]

Hey, T[h]robbits are for reals!
And I even managed to get about 90% of the puns, too! 😀

-> http://www.virtualtoychest.com/blackstar/bkstartrobbit2c.jpg

Ackkk! A loose garden gnome! Quick, corner it while I get a rake!

90%?! :shocked: I'm impressed! I only got 70%. But then, you speak better English than I do! 😉

 

[Kalamos]

Ackkk! A loose garden gnome! Quick, corner it while I get a rake!
90%?! :shocked: I'm impressed! I only got 70%. But then, you speak better English than I do! 😉

Nah, it's for reals.
A trobbit. From Filmation's Blackstar's.
They got patterned after hobbits, and they lived in the Tree of Sagar...
Blackstar pre-dated Masters of the Universe, and - AFAIK - was the Filmation's first stint with heroic fantasy.
Some of that toon's idea got re-used in MotU, either the toys or the series - although I don't think Blackstar was Mattel's.

But toys and toons sometimes got mixed and mingled.

...

Aaand... I can type a decent English. No guarantee about spoken lang. 😉

 

[Low_Roads]

Blackstar.... Blackstar... I must have seen some of it. A lot of the stuff at Wikipedia and various fansites seemed awfully familiar. Probably from the toy figure line rather than the series itself. Yeah, the He-Man connection is pretty strong... deck Johnny boy out in a blond wig, and the two would be practically identical. Love some of the design elements, particularly that Stim U Dent inspired Star Sword! It just reeks of easy-to-mold plastic prop!

Pictures:

#1: John Blackstar and Trobbit shock-troops.

#2: Trobbit hitting the bottle.

#3: John Blackstar wields his mighty toothpick.

 

[His Divine Shadow]

Ultimate Enema and Whordor ... HDS can't decide which is funnier! XD Even some Snow White peaking in. Stop making me laugh so much this late in the evening! XP

 

[Low_Roads]

Sorry 'bout the belly pains, HDS! Yeah, I snuck in a bit of Snow White... 7 names are easier to come up with than 13! Plus, I don't know what I could have done to handle a crowd like that. Tolkien managed it, but I'm no Tolkien! Fortunately, parody approach allows for a lot of latitude. There's a handfull of similar material in my archive (parodies of King Kong and the Harryhausen Sinbad films), but they were written early and are rather a pain to read. I do have a satire version of Raiders of the Lost Ark that may prove amusing, and I'll offer it next (once this current project is wrapped up) after I've cleaned it up a bit.

 

[His Divine Shadow]

King Kong

If I remember correctly there was a series of pictures of the great ape (Grape Ape, Grape Ape. Couldn't resist. XD) you posted many, many moons ago. Could be my foggy memory again, though.

 

[Low_Roads]

That's the one, Kount Kongo! I was serializing it for friends and needed accompanying pictures. Didn't make the text any easier to take, though.

 

[Kalamos]

Raiders of the lost ark?
Sounds interesting!

 

[Low_Roads]

It was done in the '80s, some time after the Spielberg film but before the first sequel. I wrote it in radio play format (even had an ersatz sponsor!) A friend of mine and I actually did perform it into a tape recorder, with music and sound effects. He was super at celebrity voices... it turned out real well. Then I went and lost the stupid tape. God, I wish I had it now!

 

[Kalamos]

Then I went and lost the stupid tape.

Well done, man...

...

:umm:

 

[Low_Roads]

I've got a bad (read "nonexistent") filing system. And I'm a pack-rat... I tend to throw very little away (which means the tape is probably around somewhere, just buried. Might as well be gone, in practical terms). Actually, considering, it's a miracle I can find anything at all from my past.

 

[Kalamos]

And I'm a pack-rat... I tend to throw very little away (which means the tape is probably around somewhere, just buried.
...
Actually, considering, it's a miracle I can find anything at all from my past.

Same prob here.
Random stuff will bury me soon...
Tell my unwed wife I never met her.

 

[Low_Roads]

Same prob here.
Random stuff will bury me soon...

These myriad various projects get to be like the archeological layers at Troy... new activity completely obscures the remnants of the old. And if you ever want to find something specific, you might as well be Heinrich Schliemann, bulling his way through the ruins and destroying the very thing he was after. That said, I've been lucky with printed material. Most of my screenplays, stories and correspondence are still easily accessible... thank god paper is flat and easy to store.