Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
... in which our hero's morning wood, mourning will...
Dissolve from the previous scene to a dark section of sewer tunnel. Smallum enters, frantic.
Smallum: Horrible thief! Must stops it! But which way does it go?
Smallum presses a brick, and a whole wall section slides up to reveal an ascending staircase.
Smallum: (surveying the empty steps in frustration) No! Not up here! (raging) Nasty thieving Throbbit! When we finds it, we makes it sorry! We takes back the Luscious, and takes its furry little wang, too! (exits scene.)
Dildo: (invisible, coming from the recently opened wall) Oh no you won’t, Smallum! But thanks for opening up the stairway! I’ll look after the ring now. It was clearly too much for you. I mean, anyone dumb enough to stick it into a condom machine—
The sliding section descends once more, pounding Dildo on the head.
Dildo: Owwwch!!! (sound of his feet scampering up the steps to the exit.)
Cut to the outside of the Gobblins’ nightclub. Slow tracking shot to the entrance, where the massive bouncer is on duty. Cut to his shadow on the stone wall. Dildo’s shadow enters alongside it. His gigantic new prick shoots out to wrap itself tightly around the bouncer’s throat. Cut to a close-up of the Gobblin as he struggles with the invisible penis. At last he is throttled, his dead body slumping to the ground.
Dildo: This thing is terrific! A unit this magnificent deserves its own name. I believe I shall call you... Stinger! Just like in Smallum’s poem! Well, Stinger, one down, a whole lot more to go!
Cut to the inside of the club, where the sodomy of the girls continues unabated. Dildo’s shadow approaches the shadows of two more Gobblins. He sweeps his colossal dick from side to side, braining each of them in turn. The rest of the monstrous crew starts at the sudden violence. They search in vain for an intruder, and more fall senseless from invisible blows. The shadows show Dildo at work, strangling and clobbering at will. Gobblin bodies fly through the air to crash into furniture. When the dust finally settles, the entire Gobblin horde has been wiped out.
Cut to an EXTERIOR long-shot of the cave entrance. The recently freed girls venture outside once more.
Gropie: Well, that certainly was strange!
Floozie: Yeah! Just what happened back there, exactly?
Afrodo: And where was that bum Dildo? A lotta help he turned out ta be!
Dildo: (exiting the cave, visible again) Did someone mention my name?
Sleezie: Yes we certainly did! We’ve got a bone to pick with you, mister!
Dildo: Funny you should put it that way...
Ditzee: You left us trapped for hours with all those icky, slobbery monsters!
Dildo: Well, you’re free now, (obliquely) however it happened, (more forcefully) so let’s get back on the march, please! In case you haven’t noticed, we still need ta get outta these cursed hills! So save your bitching for a better time.
The girls mount up and the party continues on its way. Soon they leave the Horny Hills in the distance and enter a heavily wooded pine forest.
Dildo: There, up ahead! That must be the cabin we want.
Sleezie: And who’s the guy at the front door? Smokey the Bear?
They approach a house made of giant, rough-hewn pine logs. A huge, strapping man with a great black, bristling beard stands before them.
Dildo: That’s our contact. Grandstaff called him Djork.
Sleezie: Djork! I know that name! Keep an eye on him, Dildo. He’s supposed to be a shape-shifter!
Djork: (raising a huge, hairy hand) Hold it right there, by yolly! State yewer name and yewer business!
Dildo: I’m Dildo Dinkwood! These here broads are my trusted companions. I was told you’d put us up for the night, then give us directions in the morning.
Djork: Ya, shewer! That’s true! Yew can use my cabin, all rightie! But I shewer hope yew don’t think I’d dew it for free!
Dildo: (jingling the scant money in his purse) Look pal, we’re a little light on the coin. What had you planned to charge?
Cut to the cabin, half-an-hour later. The girls are lined up at the door, as Floozie, disheveled and exhausted, stumbles outside.
Djork: (from within) Next!
Gropie: (to Dildo) It’s not fair! He’s done me twice already! Look at these scuff marks!
Dildo: Quit griping and get in there! He can’t possibly last much longer! (as she enters) Holy shit! What a man!
Finally, Djork, fully satisfied, exits the cabin.
Djork: By yiminey, that was all right! Yewer a gude buncha gals, shewer enough! Go on in, all of yew. Feel free to use my bed.
Dildo: (eying his huge frame) I don’t think we’ll all fit!
Djork: Don’t wewrry. I won’t be sleeping tonight. I have some (patting a deadly looking axe) “business” tew attend tew in the woods.
Cut to the exterior of the cabin, several hours later. It has grown dark.
Cut to the INTERIOR of the cabin. Dildo lies in the middle of Djork’s giant bed, flanked by the sore, pissed-off girls.
Dildo: C’mon. Anybody? (loud, exhausted groans of disgust) One of you must be in the mood. (snarls of discontent) Now that I finally want it, you’re all too tired. (to himself) Christ! It’s like we’re married!
Everyone falls to sleep at last. Then from outside the window comes a blood-curdling scream.
Ditzee: (shaking Dildo) Dildo! Dildo, did you hear that?
Dildo: (still half-asleep) Hear what? I don’t hear nothin’. (lapses back into slumber.)
Another horrible scream.
Ditzee: What on earth was that?
Dildo: (groggily) Crickets. Go back to sleep.
Sleezie: It sounded a lot like Djork! He may be in trouble! (shaking Dildo) Get up and have a look. We need those directions tomorrow, remember?
EXTERIOR of the cabin. Dildo stumbles blearily into the woods. A further anguished cry shocks the sleep from him. He creeps cautiously through the dark trees until he reaches a clearing and a small rise. At the crest of the hill, silhouetted against a full moon, is a bent figure, shuddering in the agony of transformation.
Dildo: (with trepidation) D-D-Djork? Is that you?
Djork: (in a prissy voice) You can just bet it is, Ducky!
Close-up of Djork. The giant is now painted with rouge and dressed in a full-length evening gown.
Dildo: B-But Sleezie said you were a shape-shifter!
Djork: Close, sweetie! I’m actually a shift-shifter!
Dildo: You’re a goddam transvestite, that’s what you are!
Djork: Come with me, Sunshine! I’ve got the cutest little outfit for you!
Dildo: Back off, bastard! I’m not your boy-toy! I’m a buggerer! Nobody buggers me! (Djork doesn’t stop) All right! You’ve been warned! I hate to do this, but you leave me no choice!
Dildo gropes for his ring, but can’t find it anywhere.
Cut to the cabin INTERIOR. The ring lies where it was placed, on a nightstand.
Cut back to the EXTERIOR forest. Djork wields his mighty axe.
Djork: You’re gonna taste my chopper one way or the other!
Djork chases Dildo through the woods. At last, the giant takes a mighty swing. The axe blade misses Dildo’s head, sinking deep into the bark of a gnarled tree. With a bellow of pain, a colossal tree-man (which Djork has just axed in the ass) straightens to its full 20-foot height. It charges forward, squashing Djork underfoot.
Dildo: What a fucking mess! But he sure had it coming. (to the tree-man) Thanks, pal! I owe ya one!
Tree-man: Not at all, my little friend. (surveying the splattered Djork) Who was this ruffian, pray tell?
Dildo: (sadly) A poor tortured soul, lost in the throes of an identity crisis. Damn! He was also the only one who knew the way outta this forest.
Tree-man: Not so! I’ve lived in these woods my entire life, since I was little more than a twig with a tiny set of nuts. I can tell you anything you want to know.
Dildo: Man! That’s great news!
Tree-man: But I hope you don’t think I’d do it for free. (Dildo’s smile freezes on his face.) There is a price for such information.
Dildo: Uh-oh.
Tree-man: You see, my kind has existed for hundreds of years without any female of the species. You’ve heard of us, no doubt.
Dildo: (in a weak voice) I don’t think so.
Tree-man: Oh, we go by many titles: Sons of Beeches, Naughty Pines, Loose Spruce, Sweaty Palms, Hickory Switch Hitters...
The creature’s advancing shadow engulfs Dildo.
Cut to the INTERIOR of the cabin and the sleeping girls. Dildo’s off-screen screams can be heard in the distance.
Loosie: (groggy) What was that?
Ditzee: Crickets. Go back to sleep.
Fade out.
Fade in on the EXTERIOR of the cabin. It’s now morning, and the girls make preparations to leave. Dildo enters from the forest. He walks stiff-legged, his ass high in the air.
Ditzee: There’s Dildo now! Hi, Dildo! Did’ja hear all those crickets? They sure were loud! Lasted all night! Didn’t let up until a few minutes ago. (noticing his strange gait) What’s the matter with you, Dildo?
Dildo: (in obvious pain) Splinters.
Afrodo: You’ve been gone for hours! What have you been doin’ all this time, communin' with the wildlife?
Dildo: (surly) Yeah. I've been playing with a wood pecker.
Afrodo: So, did you get those directions or not?
Dildo throws a map on the table. Everyone gathers around to have a look. Cut to a close-up of the map.
Dildo: (voice-over) Before us lies a vast forest of holly trees. It’s almost completely impenetrable. The only way through is by using this path. (indicating a dotted line.)
Sleezie: (voice-over) Which one is it?
Dildo: (voice-over) The Path of Abstinence. (a chorus of appalled moans.)
High angle long-shot of the forbidding forest.
Dildo: Stay together, girls. We’re about to enter Holly Wood. Watch out for wolves.
High pitched whistles and cat-calls sound as Dildo and the girls enter the forest.
Next week – Scene 8: “Flash Peddlers”.
Link to Scenes 1 & 2: http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=34195
Link to Scene 8: http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=35110
* * *
Lord of the Wrongs
Scene 7: “Shiver Me, Timber”.
Lord of the Wrongs
Scene 7: “Shiver Me, Timber”.
Dissolve from the previous scene to a dark section of sewer tunnel. Smallum enters, frantic.
Smallum: Horrible thief! Must stops it! But which way does it go?
Smallum presses a brick, and a whole wall section slides up to reveal an ascending staircase.
Smallum: (surveying the empty steps in frustration) No! Not up here! (raging) Nasty thieving Throbbit! When we finds it, we makes it sorry! We takes back the Luscious, and takes its furry little wang, too! (exits scene.)
Dildo: (invisible, coming from the recently opened wall) Oh no you won’t, Smallum! But thanks for opening up the stairway! I’ll look after the ring now. It was clearly too much for you. I mean, anyone dumb enough to stick it into a condom machine—
The sliding section descends once more, pounding Dildo on the head.
Dildo: Owwwch!!! (sound of his feet scampering up the steps to the exit.)
Cut to the outside of the Gobblins’ nightclub. Slow tracking shot to the entrance, where the massive bouncer is on duty. Cut to his shadow on the stone wall. Dildo’s shadow enters alongside it. His gigantic new prick shoots out to wrap itself tightly around the bouncer’s throat. Cut to a close-up of the Gobblin as he struggles with the invisible penis. At last he is throttled, his dead body slumping to the ground.
Dildo: This thing is terrific! A unit this magnificent deserves its own name. I believe I shall call you... Stinger! Just like in Smallum’s poem! Well, Stinger, one down, a whole lot more to go!
Cut to the inside of the club, where the sodomy of the girls continues unabated. Dildo’s shadow approaches the shadows of two more Gobblins. He sweeps his colossal dick from side to side, braining each of them in turn. The rest of the monstrous crew starts at the sudden violence. They search in vain for an intruder, and more fall senseless from invisible blows. The shadows show Dildo at work, strangling and clobbering at will. Gobblin bodies fly through the air to crash into furniture. When the dust finally settles, the entire Gobblin horde has been wiped out.
Cut to an EXTERIOR long-shot of the cave entrance. The recently freed girls venture outside once more.
Gropie: Well, that certainly was strange!
Floozie: Yeah! Just what happened back there, exactly?
Afrodo: And where was that bum Dildo? A lotta help he turned out ta be!
Dildo: (exiting the cave, visible again) Did someone mention my name?
Sleezie: Yes we certainly did! We’ve got a bone to pick with you, mister!
Dildo: Funny you should put it that way...
Ditzee: You left us trapped for hours with all those icky, slobbery monsters!
Dildo: Well, you’re free now, (obliquely) however it happened, (more forcefully) so let’s get back on the march, please! In case you haven’t noticed, we still need ta get outta these cursed hills! So save your bitching for a better time.
The girls mount up and the party continues on its way. Soon they leave the Horny Hills in the distance and enter a heavily wooded pine forest.
Dildo: There, up ahead! That must be the cabin we want.
Sleezie: And who’s the guy at the front door? Smokey the Bear?
They approach a house made of giant, rough-hewn pine logs. A huge, strapping man with a great black, bristling beard stands before them.
Dildo: That’s our contact. Grandstaff called him Djork.
Sleezie: Djork! I know that name! Keep an eye on him, Dildo. He’s supposed to be a shape-shifter!
Djork: (raising a huge, hairy hand) Hold it right there, by yolly! State yewer name and yewer business!
Dildo: I’m Dildo Dinkwood! These here broads are my trusted companions. I was told you’d put us up for the night, then give us directions in the morning.
Djork: Ya, shewer! That’s true! Yew can use my cabin, all rightie! But I shewer hope yew don’t think I’d dew it for free!
Dildo: (jingling the scant money in his purse) Look pal, we’re a little light on the coin. What had you planned to charge?
Cut to the cabin, half-an-hour later. The girls are lined up at the door, as Floozie, disheveled and exhausted, stumbles outside.
Djork: (from within) Next!
Gropie: (to Dildo) It’s not fair! He’s done me twice already! Look at these scuff marks!
Dildo: Quit griping and get in there! He can’t possibly last much longer! (as she enters) Holy shit! What a man!
Finally, Djork, fully satisfied, exits the cabin.
Djork: By yiminey, that was all right! Yewer a gude buncha gals, shewer enough! Go on in, all of yew. Feel free to use my bed.
Dildo: (eying his huge frame) I don’t think we’ll all fit!
Djork: Don’t wewrry. I won’t be sleeping tonight. I have some (patting a deadly looking axe) “business” tew attend tew in the woods.
Cut to the exterior of the cabin, several hours later. It has grown dark.
Cut to the INTERIOR of the cabin. Dildo lies in the middle of Djork’s giant bed, flanked by the sore, pissed-off girls.
Dildo: C’mon. Anybody? (loud, exhausted groans of disgust) One of you must be in the mood. (snarls of discontent) Now that I finally want it, you’re all too tired. (to himself) Christ! It’s like we’re married!
Everyone falls to sleep at last. Then from outside the window comes a blood-curdling scream.
Ditzee: (shaking Dildo) Dildo! Dildo, did you hear that?
Dildo: (still half-asleep) Hear what? I don’t hear nothin’. (lapses back into slumber.)
Another horrible scream.
Ditzee: What on earth was that?
Dildo: (groggily) Crickets. Go back to sleep.
Sleezie: It sounded a lot like Djork! He may be in trouble! (shaking Dildo) Get up and have a look. We need those directions tomorrow, remember?
EXTERIOR of the cabin. Dildo stumbles blearily into the woods. A further anguished cry shocks the sleep from him. He creeps cautiously through the dark trees until he reaches a clearing and a small rise. At the crest of the hill, silhouetted against a full moon, is a bent figure, shuddering in the agony of transformation.
Dildo: (with trepidation) D-D-Djork? Is that you?
Djork: (in a prissy voice) You can just bet it is, Ducky!
Close-up of Djork. The giant is now painted with rouge and dressed in a full-length evening gown.
Dildo: B-But Sleezie said you were a shape-shifter!
Djork: Close, sweetie! I’m actually a shift-shifter!
Dildo: You’re a goddam transvestite, that’s what you are!
Djork: Come with me, Sunshine! I’ve got the cutest little outfit for you!
Dildo: Back off, bastard! I’m not your boy-toy! I’m a buggerer! Nobody buggers me! (Djork doesn’t stop) All right! You’ve been warned! I hate to do this, but you leave me no choice!
Dildo gropes for his ring, but can’t find it anywhere.
Cut to the cabin INTERIOR. The ring lies where it was placed, on a nightstand.
Cut back to the EXTERIOR forest. Djork wields his mighty axe.
Djork: You’re gonna taste my chopper one way or the other!
Djork chases Dildo through the woods. At last, the giant takes a mighty swing. The axe blade misses Dildo’s head, sinking deep into the bark of a gnarled tree. With a bellow of pain, a colossal tree-man (which Djork has just axed in the ass) straightens to its full 20-foot height. It charges forward, squashing Djork underfoot.
Dildo: What a fucking mess! But he sure had it coming. (to the tree-man) Thanks, pal! I owe ya one!
Tree-man: Not at all, my little friend. (surveying the splattered Djork) Who was this ruffian, pray tell?
Dildo: (sadly) A poor tortured soul, lost in the throes of an identity crisis. Damn! He was also the only one who knew the way outta this forest.
Tree-man: Not so! I’ve lived in these woods my entire life, since I was little more than a twig with a tiny set of nuts. I can tell you anything you want to know.
Dildo: Man! That’s great news!
Tree-man: But I hope you don’t think I’d do it for free. (Dildo’s smile freezes on his face.) There is a price for such information.
Dildo: Uh-oh.
Tree-man: You see, my kind has existed for hundreds of years without any female of the species. You’ve heard of us, no doubt.
Dildo: (in a weak voice) I don’t think so.
Tree-man: Oh, we go by many titles: Sons of Beeches, Naughty Pines, Loose Spruce, Sweaty Palms, Hickory Switch Hitters...
The creature’s advancing shadow engulfs Dildo.
Cut to the INTERIOR of the cabin and the sleeping girls. Dildo’s off-screen screams can be heard in the distance.
Loosie: (groggy) What was that?
Ditzee: Crickets. Go back to sleep.
Fade out.
Fade in on the EXTERIOR of the cabin. It’s now morning, and the girls make preparations to leave. Dildo enters from the forest. He walks stiff-legged, his ass high in the air.
Ditzee: There’s Dildo now! Hi, Dildo! Did’ja hear all those crickets? They sure were loud! Lasted all night! Didn’t let up until a few minutes ago. (noticing his strange gait) What’s the matter with you, Dildo?
Dildo: (in obvious pain) Splinters.
Afrodo: You’ve been gone for hours! What have you been doin’ all this time, communin' with the wildlife?
Dildo: (surly) Yeah. I've been playing with a wood pecker.
Afrodo: So, did you get those directions or not?
Dildo throws a map on the table. Everyone gathers around to have a look. Cut to a close-up of the map.
Dildo: (voice-over) Before us lies a vast forest of holly trees. It’s almost completely impenetrable. The only way through is by using this path. (indicating a dotted line.)
Sleezie: (voice-over) Which one is it?
Dildo: (voice-over) The Path of Abstinence. (a chorus of appalled moans.)
High angle long-shot of the forbidding forest.
Dildo: Stay together, girls. We’re about to enter Holly Wood. Watch out for wolves.
High pitched whistles and cat-calls sound as Dildo and the girls enter the forest.
End of Scene 7.
Next week – Scene 8: “Flash Peddlers”.
Link to Scenes 1 & 2: http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=34195
Link to Scene 8: http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=35110
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