Make the move NOW!!!

[Slaver123]

This is my advice to you young-uns: if you like someone or think they like you, strike when the iron is hot, don't hesitate!



Back up a bit- to the distant mists of my college days.....


There was a girl back then who spent every available minute with me, it seemed. Same major, sat right next to me between classes every day in the student lounge. Great sense of humor, smart, not gorgeous but more than pretty enough, into/aware of S&M (at least she talked a good story, joked about it a lot- this was before my tickling fetish had fully blossomed), cussed like a sailor and smoked like a chimney...


Well, friends even told me she liked me and looking back now it's painfully obvious. But I never saw it, never made a move (there were stupid reasons I don't want to get into). Last I saw of her she was with a guy who looked pretty much exactly like me from the neck down....that was more than 15 years ago.


Many years of tragedy etc etc... skip ahead to about 2-3 years ago when I found her photo in an old box of memories. That's when I realized this was one of my few big regrets- she is very likely the person I should have been with all along.

I think about the alternate timeline where I wasn't an idiot and we were together, and how now it's a longshot but we're not anywhere near "old" yet and there's still plenty of time to get this life right. Tried looking her up online, facebook etc, from time to time over the past few years to no avail (and she had an unusual name too- I just assumed she was married and had a different name now)...


....no "luck" until tonight... when I found out she died around the same time I found that photo (More advice: Don't Smoke! That's what killed her)


So now I know how that alternate timeline would have ended. It feels like the door to a part of the world has just closed. This had been one of my secret hopes, I never said or posted anything about this before tonight and I didn't realize how important that secret little hope was to me until right now.


This is my fatal flaw- I'm alone because I fail to make a move in time. It kills me that she was there right next to me every single day for at least 5 semesters, just inches away and I never saw it.... She's not the only one, there've been several- at least half a dozen potential life-mates, solid long-term relationships (which is what I really want) that never happened for the same exact stupid reason. Sure I've vowed not to let the next one get away, but...


So that's my advice, mostly to guys cause we're supposed to make the first move. You may have the same blindness as me- there's something there but you can't see it till it's too late. You hesitate cause you're not sure it's "love", or she doesn't seem like your fully-formed soulmate right off the bat (no one is! It takes time to develop) or she doesn't conform to the image of that imaginary "Dream girl" in your mind's eye...


....Make a move sooner rather than later, cause there is no "later"! If a woman texts you first thing in the morning each day, you're more than just "friends" already. If you take long walks thru the woods with her on a regular basis and talk about everything under the sun and it seems like you speak the same language on 4 out of 5 topics (no one agrees on everything)...if she goes to lunch with you 3-4 times a week between classes, or flops down on the seat next to you in the student lounge every single time between classes...even if she's newly-engaged but writes haunting, dark songs and spends an entire day with YOU at a carnival (that's a whole nother story) ....Make that move TODAY!!!




[Glad I can share this sort of stuff here. I stare down violence and peril way too often in the real world, without flinching- but this Forum gets to see my soft mushy side]

 

[Rox_My_Sox1]

Awww...hun...I'm sorry you feel you lost a chance at a relationship (I'm also sorry to hear about how she died from smoking). If you haven't found someone yet then don't give up though kay hun? With seven billion human beings in this world, it's almost a surefire guarantee there's more than one person in this world just right for you. ^_^

 

[Slaver123]

Thanks. Took a long time to de-mystify all this- thought some cosmic force was working against me to keep me alone, but it's all me: I have met several wonderful women over the past decade but never made the move for one reason or another...

I bought into the idea that I'm just not attractive anymore cause of my age, or weight, or cause I'm not independently wealthy- I thought maybe all my nerdy interests (Sci Fi etc) were "girl-repellants" etc etc but it's not the case after all.

 

[Excess]

I was 'with' a lot of girls back in my younger days. By 'with' quotes I mean not as much in a relationship with as much as having relationships with. I guess it was cause I never bonded with any of them in a meaningful way, so once we had sex the sexual tension was out of the way. And I was fine with that at the time, though I'd have probably been happier in a meaningful relationship.

There was one girl though. She was actually one of the cheerleading captains, so at first it was just a casual "Oooh she's hot" kinda thing, but I gradually got to know her through a friend that was dating her. And thing is, for whatever reason we really clicked. Like, REALLY clicked. We eventually started talking even when no one else was around and had some really great convos.

Now naturally, I couldn't do anything cause y'know, friend's girlfriend. Except eventually they broke up. Fortunately it was on good terms or something, as they were still friendly, so no awkwardness there. But after a few weeks she was more...I guess I should say 'forward' with me. Like, she'd often approach me out of everyone else. And considering how attractive she was, there were plenty of other guys she could have went with. And we kept up our relationship, though it became a bit more personal I guess, however slightly. Hell we even sorta had an unofficial date I guess at a fair.

I guess I never noticed at the time, or maybe I was too afraid that if I let her get to a point that I shared all of myself with her, she'd stop wanting to be around me for whatever reason. That is kinda the pattern of pretty much every relationship I've ever been in, not even just speaking romantically. I was like a chameleon, adapting to whatever best fit the environment I was in. I'd try showing deeper levels of myself to other girls, but it seemed like they didn't like that, so I just kept up the 'fun' part that they liked. Anyway, it never really moved beyond that. There were a few times when I actually pushed her away a bit. And eventually I moved, and while I saw her again a few years later things were just kinda...yeah. Plus I think she got engaged to someone by then maybe.

Point of all this is kind of to echo what OP said. Just do...something. Otherwise you might spend your whole life regretting it and maybe never finding any such thing again. I mean there's always hope I guess, but some people go their whole lives looking or waiting for love and never finding it. Hell I may have already damned myself in that way. So when you do, grab it and hold on to it if you think it's real.

End of serious post. You'll only get like one of these every orange moon. XD

 

[Rox_My_Sox1]

Awwww...I'm sorry you had to bear that regret Excess hun. Before I found my lover/mistress, I had some heartbreaks myself. I'm sure however you'll find someone as great and awesome as her one day (if you haven't already). ^_^

 

[MrTicklefeet1]

Well, I had a girlfriend years ago who's philosophy on life was Never Look Back. The past is the past, like a recording, and you can never go back. Those What Ifs come in the middle of the night when all participants are dead or gone, what can you do? All we have is the right now. Besides, I'm sure some lessons where learned from those experiences that you would have never gotten any other way.
Finding the picture of the girl who died from cancer, only meant if you two had hooked up, you would have been there to experience that. We make our decisions and life keeps moving forward. Like Laurie Anderson once said, its like a long recording, but there is no stop, no pause, no reverse. It just keeps playing until the end. Kicking yourself doesn't do you any good, unless that's your thing. You still have now, and whatever may be around you at this time. Sounded like you enjoyed her company a lot while she was around. Now, she's dead, your still here. What are you going to do about it?
Yes, as we get older, folks we've known for decades start to die off, and we look around after a while and realize the impermanence that life is.

 

[Slaver123]

Another college chum passed away recently. Only in his mid-40s like me. Haven't seen him in 20 years, found out via Facebook (of course)


This had a different profound effect. It was like I could see his entire adult lifespan, put my hands on either end of it like bookends...Same goes for the girl I liked.

It's appalling to think that their stories are over. For 20ish years I've felt like I could turn a corner and step back into the college lounge and everyone would be there. Well, it's not a few months ago anymore- it felt like it was only a few months ago all this time. See, my life has stagnated: I've made great mental and spiritual strides, but nothing much tangible or boast-worthy (career, 2.6 kids, big house etc)

When he passed away I got the acute feeling that I've accomplished nothing in 20+ years of adult life...but for the first time in ages I couldn't care less! As Dennis Prager says "If nothing's horrific, then life is terific!" and that's true- there's nothing immediately horrific in my life right now. I'm employed, healthy enough, plenty of good solid friends, and have freed myself of some very destructive superstitions over the past few years.

 

[Master_Asvalder]

This is my advice to you young-uns: if you like someone or think they like you, strike when the iron is hot, don't hesitate!



Back up a bit- to the distant mists of my college days.....


There was a girl back then who spent every available minute with me, it seemed. Same major, sat right next to me between classes every day in the student lounge. Great sense of humor, smart, not gorgeous but more than pretty enough, into/aware of S&M (at least she talked a good story, joked about it a lot- this was before my tickling fetish had fully blossomed), cussed like a sailor and smoked like a chimney...


Well, friends even told me she liked me and looking back now it's painfully obvious. But I never saw it, never made a move (there were stupid reasons I don't want to get into). Last I saw of her she was with a guy who looked pretty much exactly like me from the neck down....that was more than 15 years ago.


Many years of tragedy etc etc... skip ahead to about 2-3 years ago when I found her photo in an old box of memories. That's when I realized this was one of my few big regrets- she is very likely the person I should have been with all along.

I think about the alternate timeline where I wasn't an idiot and we were together, and how now it's a longshot but we're not anywhere near "old" yet and there's still plenty of time to get this life right. Tried looking her up online, facebook etc, from time to time over the past few years to no avail (and she had an unusual name too- I just assumed she was married and had a different name now)...


....no "luck" until tonight... when I found out she died around the same time I found that photo (More advice: Don't Smoke! That's what killed her)


So now I know how that alternate timeline would have ended. It feels like the door to a part of the world has just closed. This had been one of my secret hopes, I never said or posted anything about this before tonight and I didn't realize how important that secret little hope was to me until right now.


This is my fatal flaw- I'm alone because I fail to make a move in time. It kills me that she was there right next to me every single day for at least 5 semesters, just inches away and I never saw it.... She's not the only one, there've been several- at least half a dozen potential life-mates, solid long-term relationships (which is what I really want) that never happened for the same exact stupid reason. Sure I've vowed not to let the next one get away, but...


So that's my advice, mostly to guys cause we're supposed to make the first move. You may have the same blindness as me- there's something there but you can't see it till it's too late. You hesitate cause you're not sure it's "love", or she doesn't seem like your fully-formed soulmate right off the bat (no one is! It takes time to develop) or she doesn't conform to the image of that imaginary "Dream girl" in your mind's eye...


....Make a move sooner rather than later, cause there is no "later"! If a woman texts you first thing in the morning each day, you're more than just "friends" already. If you take long walks thru the woods with her on a regular basis and talk about everything under the sun and it seems like you speak the same language on 4 out of 5 topics (no one agrees on everything)...if she goes to lunch with you 3-4 times a week between classes, or flops down on the seat next to you in the student lounge every single time between classes...even if she's newly-engaged but writes haunting, dark songs and spends an entire day with YOU at a carnival (that's a whole nother story) ....Make that move TODAY!!!




[Glad I can share this sort of stuff here. I stare down violence and peril way too often in the real world, without flinching- but this Forum gets to see my soft mushy side]

I take that your advices are well meant, but after a few disappointments and some very embarrassing situations I became so distant towards women that I will never ever approach one. Not that I ever did. I expected them to make the move and they seemed like they will make that move soon, and got my hopes up only to disappoint and embarrass me. Some would call me a women hater. I am not. Those experiences just made me hate the sexuality of women. So I can be very good friends with women, and indeed I have some very good female friends, but if they try to act sexy or seductive towards me I get my shields up and push them away (figuratively speaking). So having a bisexual preferance, I think I lean more towards the gay side.