Most Important News Of Your Life-Would You Want It On The Phone, Or In Person

[Mitchell]

As I've posted before, tomorrow is the day of truth. We find out the exact status of the outcome of my mom';s treatment. As should not be surprising, we are both very nervous.

My mom isnt feeling well. (Weak, stomach problems, etc). As everyone knows, Denville is 2 1-2 to 3 hours from here, in good traffic.

Mom had originally stated that she did not want to find out such news in an e-mail, or phone call, but rather, wanted to ride up to Denville, and see the doctors face to face.

Now, due to how she feels, and her nerves, she seems to be rethinking that position, and says she might just want to call the Drs in the morning, and have them read the report to us over the phone.

Then, there is my assistant/driver. Simply put, the man cant keep his fucking mouth shut. We are liable to ride up there 3 hrs, and have him saying terrible things.

So.. advice would be appreciated. Those who read my threads know the story. You leave home for 3 months to get cancer treatment, and have to travel 150 miles to the Dr, not knowing. Would you want to make the car trip being nervous, with no knowledge of the outcome, or hear news on the phone, whether good, or God Forbid, bad?

Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks.

Mitch

 

[GQguy]

Anyway....for me this kind of news i'll just take in an e-mail or phone call. The only reason i'd make the drive is if my presence there could change something. Like if there was some secret treatment that the doc would give me if I was there in person and seemed desperate enough. Otherwise I'd just be setting myself up for a scene. If it were me i'd deliver the news to my mother from the doc. And if she had any concerns I'd drive down to the hospital myself to ask them....only moving my mom when she needed treatment. My biggest focus being on quality of life. 3 years of bliss is better than 10 in agony.........but that's very easy to say seeing as my parents are fairly healthy....but i've also been in similar shoes when my dad was in a coma for 3 months.

I think it's better for you to make plans, one for yourself and one for your mom. Have her do something she likes regardless of the news. You go do something you like regardless of the news. Life goes on regardless of what happens. The drive there and back doesn't sound like fun for anyone.

Why the need for a driver?

GQ

 

[Mitchell]

GQ, thanks for the advice. The phone is how I wanted to do this in the first place, but my mom was insistent she didnt want to hear such news on the phone. When she gets her mind set to something, she is rigid, and I cant change her.

As for the driver, neither she or I have driven for a while. Long story that doesnt need to be gotten into. The point is, he's a jerk, who wont help us, if God Forbid we do get bad news.

I wish she had decided this sooner, we could have had the news on the phone this past Monday, instead of waiting. As I posted before, sometimes she is very stubborn, and I cant reach her.

I have a strong feeling we wont be going, and will be doing it on the phone, unless the Docs refuse to tell us on the phone. I'll know in the morning.

Mitch

 

[Leo tickles]

I'd go do it in person. The phone isn't personable enough, in my opinion, to discuss a matter such as this.

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, Leo. I understand your viewpoint. What you said is exactly how my mom feels, hence the reason she made the appt to go up there in the first place.

Mitch

 

[Leo tickles]

Since she is the patient and it's ultimately her life at risk, I believe the choice should be left up to her.

As for the driver, for as much as you complain about him here, one would think you'd just get rid of the asshole and find somebody who isn't one. Or take a cab. Or a bus. Or drive. Or hell, a variation of any of those.

 

[Mitchell]

If it was up to me, hed have been gone years ago. I plan to try to drive soon, as soon as I get out of the mess with her.

Taking a cab would be too much money. It would be triple the amount, round trip. A bus doesnt go up there, and a train doesnt go that route from Lancaster, it isnt like its in Philadelphia or NYC or DC etc.

I dont know whats going to happen.

Mitch

 

[Leo tickles]

I believe your mom has entirely too much say in things, then. :/

 

[Mitchell]

She does for now, but believe me, that is going to change.

Mitch

 

[Bothersome]

I'd take it in an email for a number of reasons.

A) People expect me to give reactions that I just don't like to give.
B) There's no mincing words in an email.
C) I can re-read it as many times as I need to get the full effect of what's going on.

But, this strictly applies only to me. I can't say which way is the best from an objective standpoint.

 

[Mitchell]

Bothersome,. thank you. I appreciate your advice, and your insight. One thing you said struck me that makes sense. That is how you said that a person can read an email as many times as possible, to get the full effect of whats going on.

My blocking out of the Dr visit a couple of weeks ago makes your advice hit home even more.

Of all the ways the report will come, I would think email is the least likely. I'm in touch with the Dr all the time through email, and he once told me he doesnt like to do it that way. I would think theyll do it with one Dr on the phone, a joint call with both Drs, or a meeting with us having to go to NJ, but I cant say for sure.

Mitch

 

[Angel77]

For me, I've always seemed to have gotten bad/big news via a phone call. And I've come to prefer it that way actually. Any emotions that seem to happen after a bad call aren't usually emotions I want to share with anyone, not right away anyways. I like to let it sink in and then share with others. But that's just how I am.

Saying prayers for your mom that she receives good news though. Her doctors have seemed pretty positive for her treatment it looks like so hopefully that's a good sign. 🙂

 

[Mitchell]

Angel, thanks for your prayers.

You mentioned bad news coming your way usually during a phone call, and them not being emotions you want to share with anyone right away. I can understand that. In this case, my mom and I will both have the emotions, because, the news is going to be about her condition, which affects us both.. and.. we live together.,. so.. even if the news is on the phone, whatever it is.. we will both have to deal with it right after the call.

There have been very helpful replies to this thread emcompassing all spectrums, and I really appreciate it.

Mitch

 

[Marquis De Sade]

News is news regardless of how it's delivered.

I think a drive is simply prolonging the answer that waits at the end of a trip or a phone line. However, there's something about a long drive that also gives you more quality time to be at peace with whatever the outcome.

 

[Mitchell]

Marquis, thank you. Very interesting observations both ways, and I see what youre saying. On one hand, I see your point about the drive prolonging the wait for the answer. I have a feeling the drive up there, not knowing the outcome, would be very difficult, if not excruciating. On the other hand, I also see the point of the long drive giving one time to prepare to be at peace with the outcome.

Persnally, with as nervous as my mom and I both are right now, I think the long drive might be the greater of the two evils. Sitting in the car, for 3-4 hrs, worrying, and then if we God Forbid get news we dont want to hear, we would be even more exhausted.

Had the entire decision been up to me, or, if this was news about a condition I had, or the outcome of treatment, I would have probably told the Drs to call or e-mail me at home, so that way, I would not have to drive myself crazy in the car for 3-4 hrs wondering the outcome. As I said before, I had suggested this to my mom in the first place, but she refused. Many times, she thinks only her way is right.

I hope to know something tomorrow. I dont know now what is going to happen.

Mitch

 

[Marquis De Sade]

Well, best of luck either way man. And, bitch slap your driver. 😀

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, pal. If it were legal to do so, and he was worth the penalty I'd receive, I'd have decked the SOB a long time ago. He is the most miserable, rotten human being. Funny thing, he's the only person my mom and I fight about. I cant stand him, and she lets him get away with anything.

Mitch

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

I've been an advocate for patients on many occassions and the choice always varies from one to the other. Personally, I like face-to-face since the doc and I can read one another as things progress. That having been said, I've had times where I've requested a follow-up letter/e-mail explaining things (in plain English) so that I can review it or show it to others who may need to know. It's really up to the patient to determine which is most comfortable for them.

In your mom's case, while she feels like crap right now and may be hesitant given the distance, it's still her choice. I know it's difficult for you as well. But, it's her choice that matters here, not yours. You've been very good in being there for her all this time. I commend you for that. Many families leave people to handle things themselves in situations like this. But, keep in mind that this may be partly your own fear and fatigue speaking. Don't let it rob her of having the say in her own care/notification.

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks for your insight, Ann. I appreciate it. I have news, which i will post in a seperate thread, and its VERY good!

 

[Angel_2]

hmmm if it really was the most important news of my life I'd want it face to face.

 

[Mitchell]

Understood, Angel. It was the most important news of our lives, we didnt get it face to face, but as you know now, the news was wonderful, so it doesnt matter.

Mitch