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Navy Sea Story
- Thread starter Neutron
- Start date
Gotta say I've been wetting my knickers here, reading all o' this.
Never been in the armed forces myself, but the funniest practical joke I ever heard of was before the MDP got based at their current home and the three forces had independant civvie constabularies, the RAF quotient of the force were trained at RAF Debden.
Some guys nearing the end of their basic training decided the Air Commodore (an RAF rank that ranks equivalent to a Brigadier General in the USAF) was of a good enough nature to take a practical joke in good part and so put a sachet of aluminium-sulphate in the toilet bowl of the cubicle where he went for his morning constitutional, and sodium bi-carbonate in the cistern.
Now as anyone who's served in the Fire & Rescue Service could tell you (if they could stop laughing at the mental conclusion they'd just reached) this spells bad news. Those two chemicals are the ones stored in the old fasioned foam spraying fire extinguishers and when they're mixed together in water they produce immense amounts of fire extinguishing foam in the ratio of 1-500 or something equally humongous.
So the Air-Comm takes his morning dump, along with the accompanying mug of tea, morning newspaper and jam sandwich, then goes to flush the toilet, duly mixing both chemicals together in the bowl as the cistern empties into it. Result? The door of the shithouse erupts outwards and the AC is carried about twenty feet on a tidal wave of foam, shit and piss that takes him clean past the admin office's main windows.
All the newly badged coppers are on parade on the square and they hear this squelching noise coming round the corner. Round the edge of the parade shed comes the AC, wearing his full dress uniform, complete with frogging, fruit salad and scrambled egg on his best hat.
Chins start to quiver. One guy is bleeding from the mush slightly on account of chewing his lips to keep from giggling. Someone in the back row snorts slightly and the duty inspector (British police rank that would equate to a lieutenant in the American Job) first looks totally gob-smacked, then world-weary as he realises what's happened. AC stands at the front of the assembled bods and is silent for an awful moment or two, before taking the parade as if nothing is amiss. By the time they're dismissed, most blokes have already ruptured at least one organ or rib trying not to laugh.
Never been in the armed forces myself, but the funniest practical joke I ever heard of was before the MDP got based at their current home and the three forces had independant civvie constabularies, the RAF quotient of the force were trained at RAF Debden.
Some guys nearing the end of their basic training decided the Air Commodore (an RAF rank that ranks equivalent to a Brigadier General in the USAF) was of a good enough nature to take a practical joke in good part and so put a sachet of aluminium-sulphate in the toilet bowl of the cubicle where he went for his morning constitutional, and sodium bi-carbonate in the cistern.
Now as anyone who's served in the Fire & Rescue Service could tell you (if they could stop laughing at the mental conclusion they'd just reached) this spells bad news. Those two chemicals are the ones stored in the old fasioned foam spraying fire extinguishers and when they're mixed together in water they produce immense amounts of fire extinguishing foam in the ratio of 1-500 or something equally humongous.
So the Air-Comm takes his morning dump, along with the accompanying mug of tea, morning newspaper and jam sandwich, then goes to flush the toilet, duly mixing both chemicals together in the bowl as the cistern empties into it. Result? The door of the shithouse erupts outwards and the AC is carried about twenty feet on a tidal wave of foam, shit and piss that takes him clean past the admin office's main windows.
All the newly badged coppers are on parade on the square and they hear this squelching noise coming round the corner. Round the edge of the parade shed comes the AC, wearing his full dress uniform, complete with frogging, fruit salad and scrambled egg on his best hat.
Chins start to quiver. One guy is bleeding from the mush slightly on account of chewing his lips to keep from giggling. Someone in the back row snorts slightly and the duty inspector (British police rank that would equate to a lieutenant in the American Job) first looks totally gob-smacked, then world-weary as he realises what's happened. AC stands at the front of the assembled bods and is silent for an awful moment or two, before taking the parade as if nothing is amiss. By the time they're dismissed, most blokes have already ruptured at least one organ or rib trying not to laugh.
Neutron
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LOL Great Story !!
The year is 1988. I'm serving my time on the CVN 65, USS Enterprise, AKA "THe Pig" (Hey featherfingers did you airedales call her the Pig too?)
So myself and another NUke are assigned to a Damage Control Locker for General Quarters (Battlestations) The F Ing CO would call GQ drills at the oddest times and we'd be at GQ forever!. The thing about GQ was they'd mix divisions in the DC LOckers, in other words you most likely would be thrown in with guys from other parts of the ship.
That's where me and my buddy KP ran into a guy named Gonzales. He was what the navy called a Fireman (Basically a sort of aprentice for the engineering department. Gonzales wasn't all that smart and unfortunately he came under the attention of too nukes. Myself (Bam Bam) and my buddy KP. We'd fuck endlessly with Gonzales, one day he was looking at pictures of his girlfriend, we took them out of his hands and started handing them around saying "Hey isn't that her"?? Of course any other nukes with us would say yeah. WE then commenced describing meeting her a an onbase club, then having a big gang bang in a local motel. Gonzales was freaking out but we were so vivid (and of course he was too thick top realize we were just rehashing stuff about her that he had told us a couple weeks ago) that we felt he might believe us.
Next time we're at GQ he comes into the locker calling us fucking liars. He'd confronted her with the ugly "facts" and she informed him we must be lying because the guys SHE slept with were from the Vinson, NOT the Enterprise. 🙂
Gonzales was always on the verge of getting kicked out of the Navy , not because he was a bad guy, he just didn't think well.
Once we convinced him the smell of rotten bananas upped your ability to have sex, so he'd take bananas from the crews mess and hang them in his bunk until they were thoroughly rotten (which PISSED OFF his mess mates)
One day at GQ we told Gonzales (who had a terrible acne problem) they he should beat off more then rub the product on his face. Two weeks later we're at GQ, Gozales face does look better and he THANKS us for the advice, he stated the abrasions he got on his penis were worth it, He'd upped his "production" to 5 times a day and he'd rubbed it on his face everytime. Needeless to say when Gonzales got booted off the Pig we didn't shake hands with him!
Tron
The year is 1988. I'm serving my time on the CVN 65, USS Enterprise, AKA "THe Pig" (Hey featherfingers did you airedales call her the Pig too?)
So myself and another NUke are assigned to a Damage Control Locker for General Quarters (Battlestations) The F Ing CO would call GQ drills at the oddest times and we'd be at GQ forever!. The thing about GQ was they'd mix divisions in the DC LOckers, in other words you most likely would be thrown in with guys from other parts of the ship.
That's where me and my buddy KP ran into a guy named Gonzales. He was what the navy called a Fireman (Basically a sort of aprentice for the engineering department. Gonzales wasn't all that smart and unfortunately he came under the attention of too nukes. Myself (Bam Bam) and my buddy KP. We'd fuck endlessly with Gonzales, one day he was looking at pictures of his girlfriend, we took them out of his hands and started handing them around saying "Hey isn't that her"?? Of course any other nukes with us would say yeah. WE then commenced describing meeting her a an onbase club, then having a big gang bang in a local motel. Gonzales was freaking out but we were so vivid (and of course he was too thick top realize we were just rehashing stuff about her that he had told us a couple weeks ago) that we felt he might believe us.
Next time we're at GQ he comes into the locker calling us fucking liars. He'd confronted her with the ugly "facts" and she informed him we must be lying because the guys SHE slept with were from the Vinson, NOT the Enterprise. 🙂
Gonzales was always on the verge of getting kicked out of the Navy , not because he was a bad guy, he just didn't think well.
Once we convinced him the smell of rotten bananas upped your ability to have sex, so he'd take bananas from the crews mess and hang them in his bunk until they were thoroughly rotten (which PISSED OFF his mess mates)
One day at GQ we told Gonzales (who had a terrible acne problem) they he should beat off more then rub the product on his face. Two weeks later we're at GQ, Gozales face does look better and he THANKS us for the advice, he stated the abrasions he got on his penis were worth it, He'd upped his "production" to 5 times a day and he'd rubbed it on his face everytime. Needeless to say when Gonzales got booted off the Pig we didn't shake hands with him!
Tron
featherfingers
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Hey, BigJim, that was a good story... something to keep the rest of us occupied while Crydun and Neutron make goo goo eyes at each other.
One time while at the Navy Reserve center, a whole bunch of us had to assemble in the main auditorium for an inspection. There were about fifty of us standing at attention. No noise whatsoever... silent as can be... Commanding Officer inspecting us... when one smartass lets go of a fart that's as loud as a cannon. We're standing at attention, biting holes through our lips trying to keep from peeing our pants with laughter. Then one guy starts convulsing, his shoulders shaking up and down violently as he tries to suppress his giggles. I couldn't take anymore and let out a 'bwah hah hah hah" and the whole auditorium resounded with laughter. We knew we were okay though when I caught one of the officers smirking at us.
No, Neutron, I never heard the Enterprise referred to as the 'pig'.
One time while at the Navy Reserve center, a whole bunch of us had to assemble in the main auditorium for an inspection. There were about fifty of us standing at attention. No noise whatsoever... silent as can be... Commanding Officer inspecting us... when one smartass lets go of a fart that's as loud as a cannon. We're standing at attention, biting holes through our lips trying to keep from peeing our pants with laughter. Then one guy starts convulsing, his shoulders shaking up and down violently as he tries to suppress his giggles. I couldn't take anymore and let out a 'bwah hah hah hah" and the whole auditorium resounded with laughter. We knew we were okay though when I caught one of the officers smirking at us.
No, Neutron, I never heard the Enterprise referred to as the 'pig'.
Neutron
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First Night After In Port
From PI we'd all stand behind and upwind of the Marines when they'd muster and fart out San Miguel and Monkey on A Stick.
JUst before they'd get dismissed we'd bag ass because they weren't allowed in the nuke part of the ship.
Isn't it great that most great Navy sea stories involve flatulence!
Tron
From PI we'd all stand behind and upwind of the Marines when they'd muster and fart out San Miguel and Monkey on A Stick.
JUst before they'd get dismissed we'd bag ass because they weren't allowed in the nuke part of the ship.
Isn't it great that most great Navy sea stories involve flatulence!
Tron
Neutron
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Bam Bam
I'm still called Bam Bam. Because I'm so big and I have nice ability to look completely blank. I guess I reminded people of Bam Bam on the Flintstones. I'll just sit in a class or a meeting looking blank, then I'll repeat back what was said in order of who said it. It freaks people out.
Even now at work I'll walk by people and they'll go BAM BAM BAM BAM like Bam Bam did on the Flintstones.
Tron
I'm still called Bam Bam. Because I'm so big and I have nice ability to look completely blank. I guess I reminded people of Bam Bam on the Flintstones. I'll just sit in a class or a meeting looking blank, then I'll repeat back what was said in order of who said it. It freaks people out.
Even now at work I'll walk by people and they'll go BAM BAM BAM BAM like Bam Bam did on the Flintstones.
Tron
featherfingers
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That's why I asked you about the barking spiders. One of the Chiefs used to call farts that. He'd be standing there reading a report or something, lift his leg like a ballerina doing a difficult dance move and let one rip. It was the funniest sight. That scene from "Blazing Saddles" had nothing on him.
Neutron
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YES!!!!
We used barking spiders in the Sub Fleet too. Another great saying I heard in the Nav was
Who stepped on the duck when someone farted. OR how about grown men raising their hand to claim their gas?
Plus the Navy taught me my all time favorite swear word, that being Dickweed, said in a real gravelly voice of course!
You were in the attack squadron right? A 6's?
Tron
We used barking spiders in the Sub Fleet too. Another great saying I heard in the Nav was
Who stepped on the duck when someone farted. OR how about grown men raising their hand to claim their gas?
Plus the Navy taught me my all time favorite swear word, that being Dickweed, said in a real gravelly voice of course!
You were in the attack squadron right? A 6's?
Tron
featherfingers
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Re: YES!!!!
A-7E Corsairs, actually. They've since been retired from active duty.
When I was in the Navy, we were still allowed to wear beards or goatees, as long as we were an E-4 or above. Our C.O. got pissed off because that seemed to be the only incentive anyone really gave for making rank, myself included.
Neutron said:
A-7E Corsairs, actually. They've since been retired from active duty.
When I was in the Navy, we were still allowed to wear beards or goatees, as long as we were an E-4 or above. Our C.O. got pissed off because that seemed to be the only incentive anyone really gave for making rank, myself included.
Neutron
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Jim I'm Not Flying!
Not on one lung.
featherfingers they banned beards just as I got in. I think the beard ban happened in about 1985 or so 🙁.
Hey do you remember the most quoted phrase from the Uniform Code Of Military "Justice". The one that guys who could barely read could quote? (With Glee!!)
Tron
Not on one lung.
featherfingers they banned beards just as I got in. I think the beard ban happened in about 1985 or so 🙁.
Hey do you remember the most quoted phrase from the Uniform Code Of Military "Justice". The one that guys who could barely read could quote? (With Glee!!)
Tron
Hey Neutron,
I believe that I have mentioned that I have been on several WESTPAC's, and subsequently have stopped at the PI. I clearly recall getting off "The Sweat", walking out Spanish Gate, crossing "Shit River", in where I never threw any money, and crusing down Magsaysay Drive. There, I finally remembered the name of that main drag. I remember going in and out of each hole-in-the-wall bar, club, casino, and balcony bar. I distinctly the name of one club, the "California Jams", where I met several ladies. I liked this club the best, since it seemed to me the most upscale. Incidentally, I was pretty grossed out by the area, especially having to cross that river. One lady I met at Cal-Jams was very appealing and receptive to me. We hit it off very well, and spent a couple nights together in as many visits to PI. When I was with her, I did try to get in some tickling, but she wasn't really into it, but she was a good companion.
I was very suprised to see her on my second WESTPAC, when our ship docked at Subic Bay(which I started to refer to as "Septic Bay"). She gave me a big hug as I was walking back to my ship. It was like she was waiting for me all this time. On my next liberty call, I met her at Cal-Jam's where we had a couple drinks and then headed back to the base. I was thinking I was going to take her to someplace nice, so I took her to a nice base club. At dinner, when we were ordering food, she advised me to order the Pork Adobo, but I wasn't having it! It was close to Thanksgiving, and I wanted the turkey dinner. Later, I so wished that I had taken her advice. I will tell you more about that later. After dinner, we spent the night, like before. That morning, she was showing me her photo album with like about 50 pics of her and this other guy from some carrier! I was saying to myself, "what the f**k?" She then said she had to see some girlfriends, and then told me to watch her place. Little did I know, she locked me in from the outside. I was there for about two hours watching some cheap black&white TV, desperately having to go to the bathroom as a result of eating that turkey the night before! Who knows what she was doing, or who she was seeing? Finally, when she returned, I told her I had to return to the ship, so I headed back as best I could with my stomach killing me. As I was aproaching the gate(and Shit River), I couldn't hold it down any longer, so I puked in a nearby gutter. When I finally got to the ship, and to the rack, I was a hurting unit for the rest of the day, sucking down some Maalox.
Other than some letters for me to send her some money, I haven't seen or heard from that lady ever since.
Those were the good old days...
One more thing, Neutron...Did you get to cross the Equator to become a Shellback?
Mark
a.k.a. MAJ0718
I believe that I have mentioned that I have been on several WESTPAC's, and subsequently have stopped at the PI. I clearly recall getting off "The Sweat", walking out Spanish Gate, crossing "Shit River", in where I never threw any money, and crusing down Magsaysay Drive. There, I finally remembered the name of that main drag. I remember going in and out of each hole-in-the-wall bar, club, casino, and balcony bar. I distinctly the name of one club, the "California Jams", where I met several ladies. I liked this club the best, since it seemed to me the most upscale. Incidentally, I was pretty grossed out by the area, especially having to cross that river. One lady I met at Cal-Jams was very appealing and receptive to me. We hit it off very well, and spent a couple nights together in as many visits to PI. When I was with her, I did try to get in some tickling, but she wasn't really into it, but she was a good companion.
I was very suprised to see her on my second WESTPAC, when our ship docked at Subic Bay(which I started to refer to as "Septic Bay"). She gave me a big hug as I was walking back to my ship. It was like she was waiting for me all this time. On my next liberty call, I met her at Cal-Jam's where we had a couple drinks and then headed back to the base. I was thinking I was going to take her to someplace nice, so I took her to a nice base club. At dinner, when we were ordering food, she advised me to order the Pork Adobo, but I wasn't having it! It was close to Thanksgiving, and I wanted the turkey dinner. Later, I so wished that I had taken her advice. I will tell you more about that later. After dinner, we spent the night, like before. That morning, she was showing me her photo album with like about 50 pics of her and this other guy from some carrier! I was saying to myself, "what the f**k?" She then said she had to see some girlfriends, and then told me to watch her place. Little did I know, she locked me in from the outside. I was there for about two hours watching some cheap black&white TV, desperately having to go to the bathroom as a result of eating that turkey the night before! Who knows what she was doing, or who she was seeing? Finally, when she returned, I told her I had to return to the ship, so I headed back as best I could with my stomach killing me. As I was aproaching the gate(and Shit River), I couldn't hold it down any longer, so I puked in a nearby gutter. When I finally got to the ship, and to the rack, I was a hurting unit for the rest of the day, sucking down some Maalox.
Other than some letters for me to send her some money, I haven't seen or heard from that lady ever since.
Those were the good old days...
One more thing, Neutron...Did you get to cross the Equator to become a Shellback?
Mark
a.k.a. MAJ0718
Tron,
Incidentally, the ban on beards came into effect on October of 1984. I remember my "A" School instructor getting all bent out of shape over it. I think the ban came because the higher brass couldn't grow any good beards. But the official reason was because the facial hair got in the way of the O.B.A. masks. Remember those?
Mark
a.k.a. MAJ0718
Incidentally, the ban on beards came into effect on October of 1984. I remember my "A" School instructor getting all bent out of shape over it. I think the ban came because the higher brass couldn't grow any good beards. But the official reason was because the facial hair got in the way of the O.B.A. masks. Remember those?
Mark
a.k.a. MAJ0718
