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Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

I love that one, Sarahtickle 🙂

Here are some lawyer jokes:

Here's your fee schedule

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.

"Your right. It's mine."

*****
Consultation fees

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
 
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign on a Norfolk farm: "Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left."

Sign seen in London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs"

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: "Closed for official opening."

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."

Sign in a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."

Sign in a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."

Sign on restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up."

Sign in an Acapulco Hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

Sign in a Norwegian lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Sign over a cannibal's hut: "I never met a man I didn't like."

Sign in a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Sign in an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
 
More real signs:

Sign in a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."

Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

Sign in a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."

Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."

Detour sign in Kobe, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."

Sign in a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- no ice cream."

Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."

Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."

Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: "A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played."

At a restaurant in New York: "Tip-ing is not a city in China."

Here is a great sign I saw in the grocery store: "Snickers, 5 for 1.00$.(limit 4)"

On a dock in Juneau, Alaska: "Safety ladder, climb at own risk."

Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX: "Nobody reads billboards.... But you just did 🙂"
 
I haven't noticed this stickey much, but upon reading the first post, there was no mention of rules or guidelines. Normally they shouldn't be necessary but you never know when someone might take it too far or say something thats personally disrespectful of another's personal beliefs, both religious and secular, racist jokes, etc.

Don't mean to be a party pooper and I'm sorry for posting so late into the game to say this, just thought maybe we should edit the first post to include some basic guidelines to discourage this kind of joke telling before it happens. I'm sure it may prove to be unneccessary and I'm not selling anyone's decency short, but maybe it should be there for caution's sake, as we all know flames and trolling can errupt from even the most simple of things.

Thanks. 🙂
 
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True enough, provided people read them to begin with.
 
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A dermatologist goes in to work one day, and his first patient comes in and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My boyfriend refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love, and now I have this horrible rash." She takes off her shirt, and sure enough, there's a big red itchy rash in the form of an H on her chest.

The doctor says, "This is interesting, I've never seen anything quite like it before. I wonder why it occurred in such an unusual shape."

"He goes to Harvard," she says.

"Ah, that would explain it," he says. He prescribes some calamine lotion and sends her on her way.

The next patient comes in and says, "Doctor, I hope you can help me with this rash. It's a little embarrassing, but it's driving me crazy." She takes off her shirt, and displays a big, itchy, red rash in the shape of a Y.

The doctor raises his eyebrows.

"It's my boyfriend," she explains. "He goes to Yale, and is so into his new letter sweater that he never takes it off, even when we're making love. Is there anything you can do?"

The doctor prescribes calamine lotion and sends patient number 2 on her way.

A third patient comes in and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me!" She takes off her shirt, and there on her chest is a big, itchy, red rash in the shape of an M.

"Don't tell me," says the doctor. "Your boyfriend goes to MIT, and refuses to take off his letter sweater when you make love."

The patient looks at him with surprise. "Close," she says. "My girlfriend goes to Wellesley."
 
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Glad you like it 🙂 I love jokes, this thread is great!

An old man is walking down the street. Unfortunately, he steps in a piece of dog poo.

Grumbling about the state of the world today, and the laziness of 'bloody dog owners', he tries to scrape his shoe along the floor to get rid of it.

A younger man comes walking down the street, and stands in the same piece of dog poo.

The old man sees this, and says, 'I've just done that.'

The young man says, 'Well, f**king clean it up next time.'
 
Do you know how many Freudians it takes to change a light bulb?

It takes two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis...I mean, LADDER!
 
Those last two were great. I'm still laughing about the other one ("All of us?")

Here's another old fart having sex joke. (A specialty of mine, since I'm an old fart who enjoys sex.)


A couple, both in their 80's, take a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."

"Yes, she says, I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"

"Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling, "Ohhh God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except fifty years ago that f*cking fence wasn't electrified!"
 
Thank you Nessie... just for that I'm gonna give you my religeous special of the day:


In a convent somewhere in Quebec the Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says, "I must tell you all something... we have a case of gohorrhea in the convent!"

"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back, "I'm so tired of chardonnay!"
 
Ok I have one, but it takes a really big shot at the whole conflict between Israeli's and Palestinians. Should I post it?
 
if you wanna see something really funny, click the link in my signature.
 
Can anyone help me?

Decades ago, I was watching the old Galloping Gourmet cooking show on television and the host, Graham Kerr, told a joke about a plastic surgeon who is performing cosmetic surgery on a woman's breasts. Suddenly a fire alarm goes off and he and his nurse are forced to flee the building. Together they wheel the sedated patient out of the clinic and seek refuge in the convent next door. There he proceeds with the operation, enlisting the aid of a couple of nuns. Without all his equipment, he needs help to make sure the breasts are perfectly aligned, so he has one nun kneel at the side of the operating table to sight for him horizontally and another kneel at the foot of the table to eyeball them from that direction. At this point, the Mother Superior walks into the room, takes in the spectacle and says...

At this point in the story, either the network or my local affiliate censored the punchline. I have never heard anyone else tell this joke. I have never found it in a joke book. Whenever I think of it, it still drives me crazy. I even e-mailed Kerr himself a couple of years ago to ask about it, but he never responded. (He has become devoutly religious since his early days of celebrity and, no doubt, doesn't tell stories like this anymore. God bless him for his faith, although I see nothing incompatible between religion and a sense of humor.)
Anyway, has anyone out there ever heard this joke? If so, I would love to learn how it ends. (Maybe it really it is too nasty or irreverent for a decent person to repeat. But I'd like to know!)
 
How cruel to let the joke get right to the end and then to cut it out! If you recall what dish he was perparing it would probably be not too hard to find someone with a video collection or something who could look it up....
 
nessonite said:
How cruel to let the joke get right to the end and then to cut it out! If you recall what dish he was perparing it would probably be not too hard to find someone with a video collection or something who could look it up....
Click to expand...

Oh, heavens, I can't remember what the knucklehead was cooking that day. This was way back in the early 70's when I was still in high school. The only recipe I remember by name from that whole series was a kind of British pudding called Spotted Dick, which I thought was hilarious. But that was probably not the same episode where he told this particular joke.
 
ignatz01 said:
... takes in the spectacle and says...
At this point in the story, either the network or my local affiliate censored the punchline... Whenever I think of it, it still drives me crazy.
Click to expand...
So you felt you had to share this madness??? :wooha:
 
Legal Eagles

Published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
____________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_______________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
___________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
___________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
___________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
___________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
____________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
____________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
___________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
___________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
__________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
__________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
A man is laying on a hospital bed heavily sedated from a 4-hour surgical procedure. a student nurse walks in to give the man an upper body sponge bath. As she begins her job, the man asks muffled under his oxygen mask "are my testicals black?". The student nurse looks at the man in almost shock but replies, "i'm sorry sir, i'm just here to give you an upper body sponge bath and wash your feet.". The man once again asks muffled under his oxygen mask "are my testicals black?". The nurse afraid that his pulse might raise she kindly pulls the covers aside and holds the penis in one hand and the testicals in the other and says "they're fine, nothing wrong with them sir." The man then pulls down his oxygen mask,smiles and says, "thank you very much... but listen very carefuly... are my test-results back?"
 
sole seeker said:
So you felt you had to share this madness??? :wooha:
Click to expand...

Hey, it was really no fun keeping it all to myself. (Phewww! I feel much better now.)
 
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
Click to expand...

ROFL!!!!!!
 
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