-
If you would like to get your account Verified, read this thread -
The TMF is sponsored by Clips4sale - By supporting them, you're supporting us. -
>>> If you cannot get into your account email me at [email protected] <<<
Don't forget to include your username
Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!
- Thread starter MistressValerie1
- Start date
Beaunanza
TMF Expert
- Joined
- Mar 3, 2003
- Messages
- 343
- Points
- 0
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump it into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”
At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump it into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”
Beaunanza
TMF Expert
- Joined
- Mar 3, 2003
- Messages
- 343
- Points
- 0
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell.”
“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”
“The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up!”
“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”
“The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up!”
Beaunanza
TMF Expert
- Joined
- Mar 3, 2003
- Messages
- 343
- Points
- 0
The funniest lawer joke I know...
A drunk in a bar yells, “Assholes, all lawyers are assholes.”
Another guy pipes up, “Wait a minute, I resent that remark.”
The first guy says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
The second guys says, “No. I’m an asshole.”
.
.
A drunk in a bar yells, “Assholes, all lawyers are assholes.”
Another guy pipes up, “Wait a minute, I resent that remark.”
The first guy says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
The second guys says, “No. I’m an asshole.”
.
.
Mercury1
TMF Poster
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2004
- Messages
- 133
- Points
- 0
Holy CRAP, I have a great joke! I can't believe I forgot it till now. It's so funny! ^^ However, for this joke, I need a male volunteer... Um, cuz I don't know a great deal of people, and because I have, well, not so much RESPECT as it is a, er... Well, let's just say of all the guys' posts I've read on this forum, I find that this guy has the best sense of humour, thus I will use him as my volunteer. (If you find this offencive, let me know and I will do something about it). ^^
There are 3 midgets walking down a street when they notice the Guinness World's Records building. So the first midget says, "I'm going to go enter the Smallest Hand category!" So he goes in the building and a few minutes, comes out and says that he won.
The 2nd midget says, "I'm going to enter into the Smalled Foot category!" So he goes in the building and a few minutes later, comes out and says that he won.
The 3rd midget says, "I'm going to enter into the Smallest Penis category!" So he goes in and a few minutes later, he comes out with a confused face. He says, "Who the hell is BigNorm?"
^^ (No offence intended).
There are 3 midgets walking down a street when they notice the Guinness World's Records building. So the first midget says, "I'm going to go enter the Smallest Hand category!" So he goes in the building and a few minutes, comes out and says that he won.
The 2nd midget says, "I'm going to enter into the Smalled Foot category!" So he goes in the building and a few minutes later, comes out and says that he won.
The 3rd midget says, "I'm going to enter into the Smallest Penis category!" So he goes in and a few minutes later, he comes out with a confused face. He says, "Who the hell is BigNorm?"
^^ (No offence intended).
Last edited:
Beaunanza
TMF Expert
- Joined
- Mar 3, 2003
- Messages
- 343
- Points
- 0
And since we're doing penis-size jokes.....
Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They get to the elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm’s privates and says, “Mommy, what’s that?”
Mommy, seeing the huge member, turns bright red and says, “Oh, that’s nothing. Never mind. Come along now.”
A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his dad by the hand and pulls him over to the elephants, saying he has a question. Johnny points to the elephant’s member and says, “Daddy, what’s that?”
Dad replies, “Didn’t your mother tell you?”
“Yes, she told me it was nothing.”
“Well, your mom is spoiled, son.”
Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They get to the elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm’s privates and says, “Mommy, what’s that?”
Mommy, seeing the huge member, turns bright red and says, “Oh, that’s nothing. Never mind. Come along now.”
A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his dad by the hand and pulls him over to the elephants, saying he has a question. Johnny points to the elephant’s member and says, “Daddy, what’s that?”
Dad replies, “Didn’t your mother tell you?”
“Yes, she told me it was nothing.”
“Well, your mom is spoiled, son.”
Senshi1
Staff
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2004
- Messages
- 3,863
- Points
- 0
Dracula is having a night out. He wanders around some clubs, bites some necks, and has a grand old time. At about 4am, he decides to head for home.
As he's walking through an alley, he feels something hit his head. He turns around but nobody is there. He looks down to see a sausage roll on the floor. 'Odd' he thinks, but he walks on.
A few minutes later, he feels another thud. Looking down he sees a small triangular sandwich, but nobody is in sight.
He quickens his pace, feeling annoyed, when suddenly a cocktail sausage hits him right on the nose.
"What the hell is this?!" he shouts. Suddenly, a figure leaps out in front of him and jams a wooden cocktail stick with some cheese and pineapple on the end into his heart.
As Dracula lies there dying, he looks up to see a girl standing over him.
"Who are you?" he says to the girl.
She replies, "Buffet the Vampire Slayer."
As he's walking through an alley, he feels something hit his head. He turns around but nobody is there. He looks down to see a sausage roll on the floor. 'Odd' he thinks, but he walks on.
A few minutes later, he feels another thud. Looking down he sees a small triangular sandwich, but nobody is in sight.
He quickens his pace, feeling annoyed, when suddenly a cocktail sausage hits him right on the nose.
"What the hell is this?!" he shouts. Suddenly, a figure leaps out in front of him and jams a wooden cocktail stick with some cheese and pineapple on the end into his heart.
As Dracula lies there dying, he looks up to see a girl standing over him.
"Who are you?" he says to the girl.
She replies, "Buffet the Vampire Slayer."
tickle_fan031
2nd Level Green Feather
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2005
- Messages
- 4,298
- Points
- 0
2006 Employee Manual
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
blackmagicjack1
3rd Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2003
- Messages
- 1,532
- Points
- 0
*chuckles* You don't happen to work in a cubicle do you TickleFan?
Abadon XXX1
2nd Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Jun 8, 2004
- Messages
- 1,299
- Points
- 0
This is from my early days in improv:
185 king kongs walk into a bar and the bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve king kongs here."
One of the king kongs says,"That's okay, we're not here for drinks."
The bartender asks,"So why are you here then?"
And all of them together reply,"We're here to pick up chicks!"
185 king kongs walk into a bar and the bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve king kongs here."
One of the king kongs says,"That's okay, we're not here for drinks."
The bartender asks,"So why are you here then?"
And all of them together reply,"We're here to pick up chicks!"
tickle_fan031
2nd Level Green Feather
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2005
- Messages
- 4,298
- Points
- 0
blackmagicjack said:
Hehe...thankfully I don't blackmagicjack.
MistressValerie1
Administrator
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2003
- Messages
- 8,729
- Points
- 0
Very funny, all 😀
Beaunanza
TMF Expert
- Joined
- Mar 3, 2003
- Messages
- 343
- Points
- 0
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”
The room got really quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
“Yes?” asked the teacher.
“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”
The room got really quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
“Yes?” asked the teacher.
“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
And here's one for everyone else.
A man is driving past a cliff, when he notices a little boy peering over the edge and crying. He pulls over, gets out, and runs over to the boy.
'What's wrong, little fellow?' he asked.
'My mummy and daddy have just fell over this cliff and died!' said the five-year-old.
'...It's not your lucky day, is it?' replied the man, unzipping his trousers.
A man is driving past a cliff, when he notices a little boy peering over the edge and crying. He pulls over, gets out, and runs over to the boy.
'What's wrong, little fellow?' he asked.
'My mummy and daddy have just fell over this cliff and died!' said the five-year-old.
'...It's not your lucky day, is it?' replied the man, unzipping his trousers.
Senshi1
Staff
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2004
- Messages
- 3,863
- Points
- 0
ROFL!! 😛 That's good.Boba1 said:
A couple are walking down the street in Communist Russia. Suddenly, the man feels a drop on his nose.
"It's raining" he says.
"I disagree - it's snowing" says his wife.
They argue about this for some minutes until they see a Russian Official walking towards them.
"I know" says the man, "let's ask Comrade Rudolf whether it's officially raining or snowing."
The wife agrees, and they ask him.
"It's raining" replies Comrade Rudolf. The couple thank him and walk on.
"I could've sworn it was snowing" said the woman.
"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear" her husband replied.
MistressValerie1
Administrator
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2003
- Messages
- 8,729
- Points
- 0
Here's one for the older guys 😉
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Some old men can still think fast...
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Some old men can still think fast...
Currahee1974
TMF Regular
- Joined
- Sep 18, 2003
- Messages
- 176
- Points
- 0
MistressValerie...
That was excellant, really laughed aloud reading that one...gotta' share that with the guys at work.
Here is an old one, but, I still like it...
IF YOU HAD A 12 INCH COCK HANGING OUT OF YOUR FOREHEAD, COULD YOU SEE THE TIP OF IT???
NOPE, BECAUSE YOU WOULD HAVE 2 HAIRY BALLS IN YOUR EYES.
That was excellant, really laughed aloud reading that one...gotta' share that with the guys at work.
Here is an old one, but, I still like it...
IF YOU HAD A 12 INCH COCK HANGING OUT OF YOUR FOREHEAD, COULD YOU SEE THE TIP OF IT???
NOPE, BECAUSE YOU WOULD HAVE 2 HAIRY BALLS IN YOUR EYES.
Ticklish Old Man
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Feb 22, 2003
- Messages
- 1,817
- Points
- 0
* A guy walks in to a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm, he tells the bartender "Two beers please, one for me and one for the road" *
