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Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!
- Thread starter MistressValerie1
- Start date
Dave2112
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A man strolls into a bar with a big smile on his face and orders a beer.
"Well, you're in a good mood, friend!" the bartender says as he pours the drink.
"I sure am," says the man, "I had the strangest but most wonderful thing happen to me."
"Really?" asks the bartender, "Care to share?"
"Sure," the man replies as he sips his beer, "I was walking along the train tracks outside of town, when I came across the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, tied to the tracks."
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I untied her, and we wound up having the most mind-blowing sex right there next to the tracks!"
"Wow!" exclaimed the bartender, who then smirked widely, "did you get a blow job from her, too?"
"No," replied the man, "I never did find her head."
:blink
"Well, you're in a good mood, friend!" the bartender says as he pours the drink.
"I sure am," says the man, "I had the strangest but most wonderful thing happen to me."
"Really?" asks the bartender, "Care to share?"
"Sure," the man replies as he sips his beer, "I was walking along the train tracks outside of town, when I came across the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, tied to the tracks."
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I untied her, and we wound up having the most mind-blowing sex right there next to the tracks!"
"Wow!" exclaimed the bartender, who then smirked widely, "did you get a blow job from her, too?"
"No," replied the man, "I never did find her head."
:blink
Dr. Bill Kobb
Level of Cherry Feather
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Dr. Bill Kobb
Level of Cherry Feather
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2003
- Messages
- 10,220
- Points
- 48
Dave2112
Level of Cherry Feather
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Hell, I was getting forwarded MJ joke emails before his parts were even in the ground.
[rimshot]BAM![/rimshot]
Dave2112
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Father Brown, resident priest of Our Lady of Perpetual Agony, decides he wants to take a vacation. He gets all of his affairs in order with the exception of suitable coverage for his confessional.
He speaks with his friend Rabbi Steinowitz and asks him if he'll cover his confessional booth next weekend.
"My friend," says the Rabbi, "I cannot do this. I am Jewish and we have no ritual like this. I wouldn't know what to do."
"It's easy," replies the good Father, "all you do is sit in the center booth, and people come in to the one on your left and tell you what they've done wrong. I'll have an altar boy in the right booth to whisper what the appropriate penace should be. Just tell the worshipper to do it and you're all set!"
"Alright, my friend, I will do this."
Next weekend comes along and Rabbi Steinowitz is in place in the confessional. A man from the congregation steps into the confessional and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have stolen money from my place of business."
The Rabbi quietly turns his head to the right and asks the altar boy, "What does Father Brown give for stealing?"
"Four Hail Mary's and a full rosary," he whispers back.
The Rabbi turns to the sinner and gives him his penance and tells him to go in peace.
Another man comes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I punched another man in an arguement."
The Rabbi turns to his right and whispers, "What does Father Brown usually give for acts of violence?"
The altar boy replies, "Six Our Fathers and three rosaries."
Rabbi Steinowitz gives the man his penance and tells him to go with God.
A young woman walks into the confessional next, kneels down and says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I won't have sex with my boyfriend before we get married, but I did give him a blow job."
Rabbi turns to the right and whispers, "What does Father Brown give for a blow-job?"
The altar boy answers, "Five bucks and a Snickers!"
😀
He speaks with his friend Rabbi Steinowitz and asks him if he'll cover his confessional booth next weekend.
"My friend," says the Rabbi, "I cannot do this. I am Jewish and we have no ritual like this. I wouldn't know what to do."
"It's easy," replies the good Father, "all you do is sit in the center booth, and people come in to the one on your left and tell you what they've done wrong. I'll have an altar boy in the right booth to whisper what the appropriate penace should be. Just tell the worshipper to do it and you're all set!"
"Alright, my friend, I will do this."
Next weekend comes along and Rabbi Steinowitz is in place in the confessional. A man from the congregation steps into the confessional and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have stolen money from my place of business."
The Rabbi quietly turns his head to the right and asks the altar boy, "What does Father Brown give for stealing?"
"Four Hail Mary's and a full rosary," he whispers back.
The Rabbi turns to the sinner and gives him his penance and tells him to go in peace.
Another man comes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I punched another man in an arguement."
The Rabbi turns to his right and whispers, "What does Father Brown usually give for acts of violence?"
The altar boy replies, "Six Our Fathers and three rosaries."
Rabbi Steinowitz gives the man his penance and tells him to go with God.
A young woman walks into the confessional next, kneels down and says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I won't have sex with my boyfriend before we get married, but I did give him a blow job."
Rabbi turns to the right and whispers, "What does Father Brown give for a blow-job?"
The altar boy answers, "Five bucks and a Snickers!"
😀
Last edited:
melanie2
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boooooo hisssssssss Mikepd...shame shame..yes it's too soon tsk tsk tsk..
Two blondes had locked their key in the car...and were having a hell of a lot of trouble trying to figure out how to get the keys...they used wire hangers, didn't work...they tried picking the lock...didn't work...suddenly it began to rain...one blonde said "Hurry we have to find these keys fast..the rain is ruining the interior, and we have to get into the car and put the top up"...sighs..
Two blondes had locked their key in the car...and were having a hell of a lot of trouble trying to figure out how to get the keys...they used wire hangers, didn't work...they tried picking the lock...didn't work...suddenly it began to rain...one blonde said "Hurry we have to find these keys fast..the rain is ruining the interior, and we have to get into the car and put the top up"...sighs..
Dr. Bill Kobb
Level of Cherry Feather
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2003
- Messages
- 10,220
- Points
- 48
:lol
Dr. Bill Kobb
Level of Cherry Feather
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2003
- Messages
- 10,220
- Points
- 48
Newton's Laws:
melanie2
4th Level Blue Feather
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ooo tsk tsk..for shame for shame...you need a sound spanking for that..tsk tsk tsk...tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk..
melanie2
4th Level Blue Feather
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*sighs*
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Tasmania.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
'You stay out of this mate!
I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!'
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Tasmania.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
'You stay out of this mate!
I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!'
Dr. Bill Kobb
Level of Cherry Feather
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2003
- Messages
- 10,220
- Points
- 48
:lol
Dr. Bill Kobb
Level of Cherry Feather
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2003
- Messages
- 10,220
- Points
- 48
Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now
that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month
ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how
clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One
thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new
white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to
my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the
stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me
that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now
that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month
ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how
clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One
thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new
white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to
my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the
stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me
that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Dr. Bill Kobb
Level of Cherry Feather
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2003
- Messages
- 10,220
- Points
- 48
:lol
Dr. Bill Kobb
Level of Cherry Feather
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2003
- Messages
- 10,220
- Points
- 48
What?
:blink
:blink
Dr. Bill Kobb
Level of Cherry Feather
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What can I say? I like visual humor. :cool
melanie2
4th Level Blue Feather
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- Apr 28, 2007
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- 5,989
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- 0
Three pregnant women: a redhead, a brunette and a blonde were all sitting in the doctor's office one day.
"I'm glad this one will be a boy." announced the redhead.
"But," asked the blonde, "how can you know that?"
"Well," explained the redhead, I conceived during the male dominant position."
"Yes," agreed the brunette, "and my baby will be a girl because I conceived during the female dominant position."
With that the blonde burst into tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the other two ladies.
To which the blonde wailed, "I'm gonna have puppies!"
"I'm glad this one will be a boy." announced the redhead.
"But," asked the blonde, "how can you know that?"
"Well," explained the redhead, I conceived during the male dominant position."
"Yes," agreed the brunette, "and my baby will be a girl because I conceived during the female dominant position."
With that the blonde burst into tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the other two ladies.
To which the blonde wailed, "I'm gonna have puppies!"
melanie2
4th Level Blue Feather
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An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went.
She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog . As she walked by the jar he was
in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered, "I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND
TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY."
The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."
So, The old lady figured, WHAT THE
HECK again, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY
the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome
prince who then returned the old lady's kiss.
SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.
NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old.......
NOT DEAD!!!!!
She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog . As she walked by the jar he was
in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered, "I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND
TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY."
The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."
So, The old lady figured, WHAT THE
HECK again, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY
the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome
prince who then returned the old lady's kiss.
SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.
NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old.......
NOT DEAD!!!!!
Dr. Bill Kobb
Level of Cherry Feather
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2003
- Messages
- 10,220
- Points
- 48
:lol
Dr. Bill Kobb
Level of Cherry Feather
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- 48
:scared
MeatyBreastedDullness
TMF Regular
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- Oct 28, 2008
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- 204
- Points
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So a guy was talking with his buddy and he said to his friend " I took my wife to the doctor yesterday and I forget if he said she had AIDS or alzheimers " and his buddy said to him " well here is what you do , you take her to some random street corner and leave her and if she finds her way home , DON'T FUCK HER !!! "
