Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

[sole seeker1]

LOL - some good stuff on here!
Hey, I spotted the VW too. Just forget the medal - I usually wear T-shirts on the farm. That is to say, I don't have a collar to pin it on, and the livestock wouldn't care anyway.


How about this quick bit of news? ...


A scientist from Texas A & M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing this invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the shit out of him!

 

[sole seeker1]

Hope I haven't already posted this one. IMO it's too funny to miss.


The Face Lift

A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl, "How old do you think I am?" "I guess about 29." the girl said. "The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk said, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck ... go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough! How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That is incredible! . . . HOW could you possibly know that from feeling my breasts?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's!"

 

[nessonite1]

LOLOL!! Thatnks for those, ogleme! I literally cried I laughed so hard at those. 😀 😀

 

[BoundToTickle]

Yeah, my favorites are the "MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE" and "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."

 

[Faramir]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the
> morning by a loud
> pounding on the door........ The man gets up and
> goes to the door where a
> drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is
> asking for a push.
>
> "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three
> o'clock in the morning." He
> slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?"
> asked his wife.
>
> "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
> "Did you help him?"
> she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the
> morning and it is pouring
> rain outside!!."
>
> His wife said, "Can't you remember about three
> months ago when we broke
> down and those two guys helped us? I think you
> should help him, and you should
> be ashamed of yourself!"
>
> The man does as he is told (of course!), gets
> dressed and goes out into the pouring
> rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you
> still there?" "Yes," comes back the
> answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the
> husband. "Yes! Please!" comes
> the reply from the darkness. "Where are you?" asks
> the husband.
>
> "Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

 

[BoundToTickle]

Again no joke but def a freaky illusion program. If you want to know what it looks like to see a wall melt without drugs this is the ticket....It's a small .exe called "Pinwheel". Just downlaod, unzip, and stare at the center of the swirling lines for about 60 seconds then look at something else and it will spin and just look trippy!

http://www.eyetricks.com/pinwheel.htm

 

[sole seeker1]

special delivery?

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?"

Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "your name was guessed four or five times."

 

[sole seeker1]

Today's lesson for married men

I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. Also, I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

I mean, why does the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do"? For example, one evening last week my wife and I were getting into bed. Well the passion starts to heat up but a few minutes later, just before we get down to serious business she says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited, she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.

 

[nessonite1]

"Where are you?" asks
> the husband.
>
> "Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

LOLOL!! A very good one, Stormy!

"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Same to you, Sole Seeker. I know Ive heard that before andit's a classic. 😛

 

[BoundToTickle]

LOL sole seeker! You might enjoy this...

The Guys' Rules:

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not

work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what

your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null

and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we

meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already

know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a

color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are

lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball,

the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round Is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know

men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[MistressValerie1]

How Things Change.....


1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess"on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

5. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

10. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

 

[Faramir]

LOLOL!! A very good one, Stormy!

Same to you, Sole Seeker. I know Ive heard that before andit's a classic. 😛

Thanks, Ness...!! ...and Sole Seeker, that sounds SO much like my ex ...!!

(*Storm_Cat ...unhappily happily single for over 10 years now because of her*)

 

[nessonite1]

Would it add an extra dimension of humor to your post, Missy Val, if you told them you weigh about 80 lbs soaking wet? 😀

 

[MistressValerie1]

Would it add an extra dimension of humor to your post, Missy Val, if you told them you weigh about 80 lbs soaking wet? 😀

LOL, I was thinking that as I was posting those 😀 😀 😀

 

[Faramir]

9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

gawd....if that were only true.

sure would solve alot of MY prob's. :sad:

 

[Faramir]

Yep, henna is that dark reddish-mahogany shade derived from a safe, natural source. It makes the grey look like red "highlights" 😀

You want a purple streak? I haven't seen that in a while, lol; it would be sort of a retro mid-80's look, I suppose 🙂

hey Val, ya think I could get away with that? the henna I mean? (I don't think the purple streak would go over to well in the private club) can a guy use that?

 

[MistressValerie1]

hey Val, ya think I could get away with that? the henna I mean? (I don't think the purple streak would go over to well in the private club) can a guy use that?

Hi, Stormy 🙂 In Japan, a lot of men use henna-type products, so I don't see any reason why you couldn't try it.

A very good website about henna is http://www.everydayhenna.com/interview1.html -- you need to scroll down a bit to get to the actual henna discussion 🙂

 

[sole seeker1]

It was a few minutes before the services started. The congregation was seated in the pews and talking quietly. Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman. He sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in front of him. Satan walked right up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the old gentleman.
"Do you know I can kill you with a single word?", asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Don't you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me"?
The old man looked Satan right in the eye and calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 52 years."

 

[sole seeker1]

I hope I haven't posted this before, or worse yet, picked it up from someone on this site.


WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?


MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

 

[sole seeker1]

=== Life After Death ===
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

 

[sole seeker1]

=== Half Price ===
US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

 

[BoundToTickle]

"What trip?"

LOL! That's good PR...

 

[BoundToTickle]

Mildred the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other peoples business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny, he said nothing.


Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house……….and left it there all night.

 

[MistressValerie1]

WOMAN
When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after her.
When she is 30 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her.
When she is 45 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her.
When she is 65 - She is a ping-pong ball, 2 men pushing her to each other.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

A man walks into a sex shop and asks "May I have a condom please?"
The sales girl says, "May I hold your penis for the size?"
The man replies, "Oh Yes.. Sure"
The sales girl says, "Give him an 'M' ..... Wait give him an 'L' ....No.. Wait give him an 'XL' .....Oh no........ shit.......Give me a tissue."


Q : What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
A : A chicken is the result of a SITTING HEN, whereas a baby is the result of a STANDING COCK!

 

[sole seeker1]

LMAO! I loved that one Ogle.
"gimme a tissue" LOL - good one Mistress


GRANDMA’S BUMPER STICKER

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy. Then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" I thought to myself, 'What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!'

About that time, everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing! Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. I waved to all my sisters and brothers; and grinning, I drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!