Open letter to the TMF: Addressing online harassment

[Adam]

Before I get into this, I'd just like to let everyone know that this post is not intended to be inflammatory or offend in any way. It's a well documented problem that there is a degree of online harassment that goes on even in a well-moderated forum such as the TMF. Nine times out of ten, this is in the form of inappropriate private messages to our female members. It is my hope that this thread will be allowed to stay and serve as a respectful discussion area for those who would like to tell us of their experiences, with the full understanding that we can do so without naming names. Mods, I leave the final decision in your capable hands.

I decided to start this thread in response to discussions I have had with other members, who shall of course remain nameless, over the past week or so. Over the years, there have been a number of members who have decided that it's better to leave the forum than to put up with the constant barrage of hair-raising private messages or other forms of online harassment such as instant messenger abuse. Others have stayed, but have relegated themselves to lurker status to avoid getting more unwanted attention than they already do. It gives the impression to some that they cannot find their voice here. This is wrong on so many levels.

To the people out there that scour member profiles for nothing more than to find the words "female" and "contact information", please stop and think. The majority of the time, you are causing far more problems that you can possibly imagine, especially if your first words are along the lines of "OMG YUR HAWT KEN I TIKL U PLZ LOL!!!!!!!". Not only are you driving some from the site, but you are alienating yourself in this community. Is it really worth it? One would think not.

I realize, fully, that this advice will fall on deaf ears to the majority of habitual offenders. But that's OK. Offend enough and eventually it will catch up with you. However, if even one of you reads this and decides to take a different approach to online communication as a result, then perhaps this has all been worth it. Thus concludes my attempt at a public service. Thoughts and experiences welcome.

 

[Goodieluver]

People will continue to do what they want to do because there is no viable punishment or harm to them. Even with new laws passed, you will never get rid of that element

 

[Adam]

People will continue to do what they want to do because there is no viable punishment or harm to them. Even with new laws passed, you will never get rid of that element

Sadly, this is very true. As aware as I am of that fact, it is my hope against hope that maybe somebody out there will get it and stop that type of behavior, at least as it concerns the TMF. That, and for the people who have been the victims of such inappropriateness, to come together in this thread and support one another so that it becomes clear that they do have a voice here. No one should feel so alienated that they avoid posting because of perverted ignorance.

 

[chicago]

Part of the problem, I think, is the amount of over-excited young and underage members. They join, fill out their profiles, giving out their contact info, eager to make friends, not understanding that this IS a fetish site and while many people are friendly, a lot are not trustworthy. They are basically painting themselves with a target sign.

I'm not saying that it's the "victim's" fault, though it shouldn't be surprising when one is so open with personal info.

I have gotten creepy PMs, they are easily erased. Members are easily blocked. And if problems continually occur, a screencap of each violation sent to a mod should do the trick.

I've also had people from TMF find my myspace URL (maybe they already had it from back when I posted it in my profile) and sent my then boyfriend a link to NEST threads I'd posted in and stories I'd written. Prior to that message, my boyfriend didn't know about the TMF. I'm not ashamed, but I was pissed that I'd lost the right to share that with him on my own terms. I almost left over it.

The bottom line is, there are creepy bastards and sick individuals lurking on this forum. There are creepy bastards and sick individuals all over the place and having some common sense when using the internet (let alone ADULT websites) will keep a lot of the harassment from happening.

 

[Adam]

Part of the problem, I think, is the amount of over-excited young and underage members. They join, fill out their profiles, giving out their contact info, eager to make friends, not understanding that this IS a fetish site and while many people are friendly, a lot are not trustworthy. They are basically painting themselves with a target sign.

I'm not saying that it's the "victim's" fault, though it shouldn't be surprising when one is so open with personal info.

I have gotten creepy PMs, they are easily erased. Members are easily blocked. And if problems continually occur, a screencap of each violation sent to a mod should do the trick.

I've also had people from TMF find my myspace URL (maybe they already had it from back when I posted it in my profile) and sent my then boyfriend a link to NEST threads I'd posted in and stories I'd written. Prior to that message, my boyfriend didn't know about the TMF. I'm not ashamed, but I was pissed that I'd lost the right to share that with him on my own terms. I almost left over it.

The bottom line is, there are creepy bastards and sick individuals lurking on this forum. There are creepy bastards and sick individuals all over the place and having some common sense when using the internet (let alone ADULT websites) will keep a lot of the harassment from happening.

Thanks for the input, Annie, and for sharing your experiences. You're right, of course. Though the blame shouldn't be put on the victim, as you say, sometimes they do put that unintentional target on their backs. You can look at the personals section alone to verify that. If a female dare posts in there, she's inundated with messages within minutes, whether that's in the thread itself or in her PM box. I think a lot of newer members end up being overwhelmed, not quite expecting the number of over-eager responses they receive.

As for the block function and reporting abuse to the mods, I hear you. In fact, I offer that advice every time I speak to someone who is having problems. I think the issue is that it can be so overwhelming at times, some feel that it's better to keep a low profile or even leave than to bother doing something about it. Do they need a thicker skin? Perhaps. We can all agree that they shouldn't need one, though.

 

[jk666uk]

Before I get into this, I'd just like to let everyone know that this post is not intended to be inflammatory or offend in any way. It's a well documented problem that there is a degree of online harassment that goes on even in a well-moderated forum such as the TMF. Nine times out of ten, this is in the form of inappropriate private messages to our female members. It is my hope that this thread will be allowed to stay and serve as a respectful discussion area for those who would like to tell us of their experiences, with the full understanding that we can do so without naming names. Mods, I leave the final decision in your capable hands.

I decided to start this thread in response to discussions I have had with other members, who shall of course remain nameless, over the past week or so. Over the years, there have been a number of members who have decided that it's better to leave the forum than to put up with the constant barrage of hair-raising private messages or other forms of online harassment such as instant messenger abuse. Others have stayed, but have relegated themselves to lurker status to avoid getting more unwanted attention than they already do. It gives the impression to some that they cannot find their voice here. This is wrong on so many levels.

To the people out there that scour member profiles for nothing more than to find the words "female" and "contact information", please stop and think. The majority of the time, you are causing far more problems that you can possibly imagine, especially if your first words are along the lines of "OMG YUR HAWT KEN I TIKL U PLZ LOL!!!!!!!". Not only are you driving some from the site, but you are alienating yourself in this community. Is it really worth it? One would think not.

I realize, fully, that this advice will fall on deaf ears to the majority of habitual offenders. But that's OK. Offend enough and eventually it will catch up with you. However, if even one of you reads this and decides to take a different approach to online communication as a result, then perhaps this has all been worth it. Thus concludes my attempt at a public service. Thoughts and experiences welcome.

man up adam
name the names it will be a good laugh 🙂

 

[Adam]

man up adam
name the names it will be a good laugh 🙂

Hey, I wouldn't mind at all if we called out every single offender on this site and chased them away. I think the mods might take issue with that, though. 😉

 

[chicago]

In a perfect world, I should be able to walk through Englewood alone in the middle of the night without protection unscathed and unafraid.

Unfortunately, common sense tells me if I'm going to be anywhere alone and after dark, I should stick to my side of town, busy streets, and probably carry mace just in case.

No matter what you're doing, you have to protect yourself.

 

[jk666uk]

Hey, I wouldn't mind at all if we called out every single offender on this site and chased them away. I think the mods might take issue with that, though. 😉

true man true

 

[Adam]

No matter what you're doing, you have to protect yourself.

Amen to that.

 

[Goodieluver]

Hey, I wouldn't mind at all if we called out every single offender on this site and chased them away. I think the mods might take issue with that, though. 😉

I dont think it would be right to chase people off

FWIW, as stated, some are underage or some are just immature to the grasp of the site. They may be good overall people but just lack the skills to communicate certain ways over a global communicator that the site has become
We dont need some sort of a spanish inquisition
unless it involves tickling the lovely ladies of the site

 

[Adam]

I dont think it would be right to chase people off

FWIW, as stated, some are underage or some are just immature to the grasp of the site. They may be good overall people but just lack the skills to communicate certain ways over a global communicator that the site has become
We dont need some sort of a spanish inquisition
unless it involves tickling the lovely ladies of the site

Point taken, but there are plenty that are old enough to know better. Fortunately, I'm sure a good deal of them have already been reported. At least I hope so.

 

[Mephistopheles]

Well, I do read people's profiles in threads relevant to my interest to see whether they are female. But I don't message people, I just find women's opinions on tickling more interesting because I know how the male ler side of this fetish works but I'm still very puzzeled about what it is like for a woman.

But considering this form of harrasment I still wonder WHY on earth people choose this approach? If you really want to get anywhere with a woman eloquence and manners are the only way to get there, and any idiot can understand that typing "OMG LOLZORZ U FEMALE I TKL U NOW??!??!??!" doesn't work. Why do they do that? Perhaps it's something 14-year olds do, but even then it's just something I cannot comprehend.

 

[Adam]

But considering this form of harrasment I still wonder WHY on earth people choose this approach? If you really want to get anywhere with a woman eloquence and manners are the only way to get there, and any idiot can understand that typing "OMG LOLZORZ U FEMALE I TKL U NOW??!??!??!" doesn't work. Why do they do that? Perhaps it's something 14-year olds do, but even then it's just something I cannot comprehend.

I ask myself that question all the time. Why do they do that when it clearly never works? Complete and utter ignorance is the only thing I can come up with. They fail, fail and fail again, but never change their approach. Some people just never learn.

 

[Mephistopheles]

I ask myself that question all the time. Why do they do that when it clearly never works? Complete and utter ignorance is the only thing I can come up with. They fail, fail and fail again, but never change their approach. Some people just never learn.

And that's why I should be dictator of the world so I can trace those people and give them a one way trip to the Siberian forced labour camps that I will create when I seize control.

 

[♡AimLEE♡]

I realize there is harassment .. I really don't get too many PMs where guys are like "OMG YOU ARE HAWT LETS TALK?!?!?!" .. and if I do I just ignore them. I am not saying its the victim's fault at all .. but its common sense to not talk to people who creep you out in the first place .. and DON'T put your contact info up if you don't want to be contacted! I put my AIM sn up and about every 10 minutes I got a new IM from someone. I took it down. That was that .. no more creepy IMs. It's that simple. Now I just give my SN out after PMing a bit.

 

[Adam]

I realize there is harassment .. I really don't get too many PMs where guys are like "OMG YOU ARE HAWT LETS TALK?!?!?!" .. and if I do I just ignore them. I am not saying its the victim's fault at all .. but its common sense to not talk to people who creep you out in the first place .. and DON'T put your contact info up if you don't want to be contacted! I put my AIM sn up and about every 10 minutes I got a new IM from someone. I took it down. That was that .. no more creepy IMs. It's that simple. Now I just give my SN out after PMing a bit.

That is the smart thing to do, no doubt. Please understand, everyone, that I'm not saying anyone that I've conversed with has indulged any of these strangers by chatting them up (not that you were suggesting that), thereby giving them the idea that they may be interested. Most I've spoken to are just floored at the sheer amount of weirdness they receive without provocation, simply by being female. It has to be frustrating at times. Having said that, I'm very glad that you personally don't get that many creeps coming your way. Hopefully it will stay that way.

 

[Mephistopheles]

I realize there is harassment .. I really don't get too many PMs where guys are like "OMG YOU ARE HAWT LETS TALK?!?!?!" .. and if I do I just ignore them. I am not saying its the victim's fault at all .. but its common sense to not talk to people who creep you out in the first place .. and DON'T put your contact info up if you don't want to be contacted! I put my AIM sn up and about every 10 minutes I got a new IM from someone. I took it down. That was that .. no more creepy IMs. It's that simple. Now I just give my SN out after PMing a bit.

OMG YOU ARE HAWT LETS TALK!!!1!!1!!

no, seriously, it's bed-time for me.

 

[♡AimLEE♡]

OMG YOU ARE HAWT LETS TALK!!!1!!1!!

no, seriously, it's bed-time for me.

haha
CREEP!

 

[Sandrock74]

Why does everyone protect the identities of the harrassers? Maybe if they were fearful of being "outed", they wouldn't harrass the women here.

 

[xionking]

I ask myself that question all the time. Why do they do that when it clearly never works? Complete and utter ignorance is the only thing I can come up with. They fail, fail and fail again, but never change their approach. Some people just never learn.

You know why, man?

Because people treat online shit like this like it's going out to a club and and trying to pick up a bloke or a chick. You don't want to know their life story, you just wanna fuck them.

Fail and then the next fuckable girl will just come along. Well, in the TMF's case, the next ticklish girl will come along.

It's a generation gap that isn't really worth trying to understand. 'Going steady' whilst rocking out to 'The Monkees' just isn't the same as copping a blowjob in the booth of a club whilst 'Candy Shop' is playing by 50cent.

-Xionking

 

[Bugman]

whilst rocking out to 'The Monkees' just isn't the same as copping a blowjob in the booth of a club whilst 'Candy Shop' is playing by 50cent.

-Xionking

I'm not sure why you think that didn't happen when The Monkeys were popular.It did.Trust me,i was around back then.😉

 

[Adam]

Why does everyone protect the identities of the harrassers? Maybe if they were fearful of being "outed", they wouldn't harrass the women here.

Personally, I wouldn't mind as long as there was documented proof on hand. Otherwise I imagine it could turn into something of a witch hunt. And at this point, I'm pretty sure it falls under the category of a GR violation.

You know why, man?

Because people treat online shit like this like it's going out to a club and and trying to pick up a bloke or a chick. You don't want to know their life story, you just wanna fuck them.

Fail and then the next fuckable girl will just come along. Well, in the TMF's case, the next ticklish girl will come along.

It's a generation gap that isn't really worth trying to understand. 'Going steady' whilst rocking out to 'The Monkees' just isn't the same as copping a blowjob in the booth of a club whilst 'Candy Shop' is playing by 50cent.

-Xionking

Sadly, it's true. Very much like trying to pick up the "hot chick" at the bar, unfortunate as it is. Respect is a lost art in a lot of cases.

 

[Deleted member 66627]

I find this OP to be ironic, frankly.

Some folks have good social skills, some don't and many cover up shitty social skills with fancy words and eloquent lies. It's life.

 

[xionking]

The Response of an Underdog

Sadly, it's true. Very much like trying to pick up the "hot chick" at the bar, unfortunate as it is. Respect is a lost art in a lot of cases.

Yeah, but in saying that...why am I going to show a girl respect when she's flaunting about in a skirt longer than my belt? Is it sad that the guy isn't showing the girl the respect she 'deserves', or is it sad that the girl isn't showing herself the respect she 'deserves'?

Same deal here...just not on such an exposed level...post the photos and the personal info, even the myspace account...it may look to other people like you're putting yourself out there (even though that may not be your intention), and before you know it...you don't have creeps...you have guys and girls wanting to satisfy their needs, wanting to meet other people, and wanting to explore their fetish without having to pass in the 'General Discussion' sub-forum first.

It's quite frustrating seeing such a regular like Annie complain about people pming her "creepy" shit. Well, that's what happens when you become a main contributor on a forum that is fundamentally about the tickling fetish. What were you expecting? A Shakespeare sonnet? A piece of writing about how your beautiful your hair shines under this virtual internet sun?

Please, cut your hair and quit bitchin' you friggn' emos. There's a block button for a reason, and give the people you believe here to be "creeps" the benefit of the doubt, yeh? And if you have/had a boyfriend that you may be concerned might find out about the TMF, it's probably best you don't post your myspace page up on here. You don't know them, and they don't know you, and just because they may not want to get to know you on too much of a personal level, does not at at all warrant labels like 'creeps'.

Fuck, we're meant to be a fucking community. How do you think it looks to non-regulars seeing the most regular people on this forum referring to other people as 'creeps'? That's gonna go down well...

It's not about the underages coming on here and putting all their info up, because the older here do the same thing. And if you're gonna pick on the underages, then at least acknowledge that you're a bit of a hypocrite.

'Oh my god, you're so hot, can I tickle you?" Well, shit...take it as a compliment, and don't read into it too deeply...

...because at the end of the day, I'm sure you're better off than the person who's getting no attention at all.

-Xionking