Parties, Play, & Negotiation - some terms

[Spenser]

Here are some typical terms which folks may find being used not only here in TMF, but also at tickling group "munches", parties, and gatherings.
Spener

“Newbie” can be someone new to the whole phenomena of adult erotic tickle fetish, whether just in cyber or more often thought of as being in “rt” (real time in real life).

“The Scene” refers to a particular type of adult ‘alternative’ erotic ‘fetish’ or love-style; such as the Tickle Scene, or the Leather Scene, or the Spanking Scene.

“A Scene” refers to a particular event of play that two (or more) individual enact together in any of their chosen alternative adult behaviors.

Vanilla refers to people, acts, or behaviors belonging to the normal mundane non-fetish world. Even kinky people can act and do “vanilla” stuff.

“Outing” refers to being informed on to one’s vanilla associates, friends, and family as to the alternative, fetish, or kinky behaviors and enjoyments that one delves into. For someone to “Out” someone who is in a fetish scene, can have devastating effects on the life of the person “Outed”. The person doing the “Outing” can then be known as an unsafe person.

“ Top / Tickler / ’Ler ” refers to someone who likes to tickle people; just like “ Bottom / Tiklee / ’Lee “ refers to someone who likes being tickled. A “ Switch “ on the other hand is someone who enjoys both tickling as well as being tickled!

“Scene Monitors” are people who are appointed to oversee play in a social tickle event or party, to ensure that play is conducted only in a safe, sane, and consensual manner.

 

[Spenser]

Privacy and anonymity

A bit about the privacy and anonymity we respect for each other in the "scene"

Spenser

PERSONAL PRIVACY, ANONYMITY, AND DISCRETION
Be discreet; and respect privacy and anonymity.

What we do is a very private part of people's lives. We do live our "mundane" lives in the “real world” and our involvement in the tickling scene may be something we must keep separate from our professional identities. What we see and hear at in the tickling social scene, should stay there. If things we do in our private social fetish scenes were to be revealed in their mundane situations it could seriously affect relationships with friends, family, and work situations. Many of us do not use last names if we prefer anonymity. Some may feel comfortable exchanging real names when we know each other well, but generally in parties or the social environment we keep that information private.

Do not take advantage of others. If someone gives you their personal information such as a phone number or an e-mail address, you do not have an automatic right or permission to give that information out to others. Do not mention anyone at a party or even a tickle social munch to those not at the party without that person's express permission. Especially do not post anything to the net that identifies someone else without permission. Or check with people in advance, with a copy of your post, before you put it up in a public forum. The standard is that details of parties are not mentionable publicly unless stated otherwise. Ask the hosts if you are in unsure about this.

Revealing personal information about people is called “outing” someone. Don't talk about someone else's activities in tickling to anyone outside our community that doesn't have a right and need to know. We take must privacy very seriously. And those who do not respect this special privacy should be excluded from the community.

 

[Spenser]

General "scene" etiquette

A few thoughts on general expectations of etiquette in the tickling "scene" before, and in addition to specific play party etiquette.

Spenser



STANDARDS OF TICKLE ETIQUETTE

Before we chose to join the tickle “scene”, we all were first and foremost human beings. We learned that in order to survive we all had to learn to live together and be polite to and tolerant of each other. The basic standards of etiquette are the same. But, there are certain additional standards of behavior apply to tickling and other fetish parties and scene events, just as certain rules of behavior apply to events in other cultures. Many other communities in the fetish world have been around for years, and even decades. In all that time, they’ve had a lot of experience developing and growing comfortable within their own established standards of social behavior and etiquette. These standards are pretty easily adaptable and useful for the tickling community as well.

This does not mean that just by showing up in the social tickle scene, you automatically know all the standards that can be expected. Don't learn them passively; and don't expect someone to teach you. It is important for anyone coming into the social tickling scene to actively learn what is expected and acceptable. Not knowing or disregarding them can lead to negative reactions, quickly. Especially play parties often have a strict set of rules.

So how is a newbie to learn? For some alternative love-styles and fetishes, such as the SM community, there are published resources, books, seminars and support groups. Unfortunately for ticklers however, there really aren’t published manuals and guides yet on tickle party etiquette! Thankfully, there is this great forum, and there are folks who are trying to host parties around the world and to establish similar standards for all our social events. And hopefully, we hope many folks will share their own thoughts and experiences on positive social scene etiquette.

MAKE NO ASSUMPTIONS
Do not make assumptions about anyone, you could be completely wrong. Be tolerant of alternative lifestyles and people. Intolerance and bigotry have not place in the tickling or any other fetish scene.

FANTASY VERSUS REALITY: THE OBJECTIVE “CLASSROOM” VERSUS SUBJECTIVE EXPERIENCE
It's easy to build up an elaborate fantasy that doesn't really prepare us for the mundane "normal" reality of ordinary people forming real human relationships. If you are just getting involved it's good to take a low key approach.
Until then our concept of tickling is more often based on our wildest imagined fantasies, stories, and videos.
Start by finding out what's expected of you and what you can expect. Attend socials, meet people, observe, and ask questions.

Our approach to social interactions should be just as respectful and courteous as we would expect in any situation.
We do not live in the pages of a fantasy. Just because a person's scene identification may be as a tickler or ticklee, changes nothing about the dignity that should be accorded to that person as a human. Most people in the scene prefer to be approached by potential playmates as people first, not for their scene behavior.

The details of fetish etiquette are tricky and there are some uncommon etiquette delicacies there. Often, these customs are difficult to nearly impossible to get from books. You just about have to see fetish play in action to get a clue. Social tickling fetish play is just not all that clear until you see or do it. It’s way different that the fantasies and the fictions.

PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY / SCENE “AWARENESS”
In essence, you are primarily responsible for your own self. If you are a ticklee, you do not owe anyone any deference beyond common, everyday courtesy. You are not required nor expected to bottom to every tickler in the room, or for that matter, to anyone. And this rule goes for ticklers as well as ticklees. No one, who is not your own partner, owes you anything beyond that same common courtesy.

Don't assume someone you've never meet is there for your pleasure. It dismisses the individual’s prerogative and ability to choose. Tickle bottoming is a gift. The ticklee chooses the tickler.

Don't assume that tickling is always sexual. Tickling is not synonymous with swinging, swapping, or Polyamoury -- although it's possible for it to co-exist with these lifestyles. A tickling relationship can consist entirely of kinky role playing and sex or have no sexual involvement at all. You don't have to have sex if you're playing with someone.

The whole world of tickling consists of a lot of contrasting play and relational styles. The typical motivations, expectations, and standards for some do not necessarily apply to all. There is no one true way. The closest that most of us agree on is that play should be safe, sane, and consensual.

 

[njjen3953]

Re: General "scene" etiquette

A few thoughts on general expectations of etiquette in the tickling "scene" before, and in addition to specific play party etiquette.

Spenser

Don't assume someone you've never meet is there for your pleasure. It dismisses the individual’s prerogative and ability to choose. Tickle bottoming is a gift. The ticklee chooses the tickler.

THANK YOU SPENSER Excellent point there.

Jen

 

[Spenser]

Party social etiquette

A few thoughts about party and social tickling events basics.

Spenser

PARTY ETIQUETTE
Social groups in the community who put on tickle parties, are just that, social groups. They are not dating services. Although we hope people find like minded partners at our socials we don't want to encourage a "meat market" atmosphere. If you're unconcerned in getting to know people you won't have much success finding someone to with whom to play. Can someone feel safe with a tickler who isn't interested in who they play with or their needs?

NEW? ASK THE HOSTS
You can and should talk to the host during the party or, if more appropriate, afterwards to ask unanswered questions, say thank you, and follow up in any ways you like. Hosts want to help their guests learn and sort themselves out according to comfort levels. Hosts also want feedback so they can create a comfortable environment for enjoyable parties. If you felt uncomfortable about anything at all at the party, talking to the host afterwards is an excellent idea!
Hosts need to know about any individual you felt harrassed by, or that you felt some kind of play you watched was unnecessarily risky.

DON’T POUNCE OR HOVER
Don’t pounce as soon as you get in the door. Do not become a “vulture”. These are people who hit on every newbie who walks in the door. Getting that reputation in a small community will make you persona non grata quickly.
Do not stare or gape at people and do not follow them around through the party areas. Be aware of the concept known as "my space" - that zone around ourselves which we feel safe and sacred. Give a newcomer space to get comfortable with the group, the setting, all the new faces, before pouncing.

Don't come on too strong: There's a natural tendency to confuse the role of the tickler with "being dominant." You don't have to be over bearing to be a tickler. Neither do you have to be a welcome mat to be a ticklee. Do not come on to people in a clueless manner. Hounding, harrassing, or puppy-dogging after the object of your sexual interest will guarantee that you will not be invited to any more parties; you might even be thrown out of the one you are at.

APPROACHING AND MEETING
If you may be interested in playing with someone, approach that person in a polite and honest, up-front fashion just as you would in any polite social situation, and ask him/her. Most will answer you politely. We all tend to feel instinctively good or bad about another person almost immediately. Either our pheromones activate or we turn off. If you make a good approach and get a favorable response, great. Continue.

But, under all circumstances... no means no. If the other person isn't interested and declines; do not force the issue and ask again. don't ask why not, and don't continue to pressure. Accept no for your answer gracefully. Doing so graciously may turn that "no" into a maybe another time. Even if the tickler/or ticklee you approach spurns you, go away. Get the message before you may be asked to leave by a host or “scene monitor”. You will have other opportunities to play. Be friendly and get to know the other people a bit, share stories and background. Make friends. If the response is "maybe later", let that person decide when "later" may be. Don't come back in half an hour and say "How about now?" Doing these things will not increase the likelihood of anyone wanting to play with you, it will only lower you to the category of "pest". Don't be pushy: Don't coerce. Don't force your attentions on someone who doesn't want them. This sends a seriously bad message: No one wants to play with someone who is too pushy. Ticklees can't trust a coercive Tickler/me. If the Tickler/me won't accept a ticklee's "no" in the public setting is it likely the Tickler/me will accept the limits of an isolated, bound, defenseless submissve in bondage?

Many singles attend tickling parties, many newcomers who are desperate to be asked to play. Being in that situation can be difficult and too often leads to social blunders. Be aware, however, that experience does not equate with social graces. One will encounter more experienced players who also exhibit ill manners.

 

[Spenser]

Some play basics

A few thoughts on respectful party play behavior.

Spenser


PLAY SPACES AND SOCIAL SPACES
Most tickle parties are composed of at least two spaces - one for eating and socializing and another for play. These areas should be well noted and marked, and may likely also be specifically discussed with party guests when they arrive. Respect these boundaries. There are reasons for them.

THE PLAY SCENE AND THE PLAYERS
Tickling as we play it is consensual. A scene most often consists of two players , though occasionally may involve multiple people on both sides of the equation. Those people are playing together because they chose to play with each other. You can watch, but do not ever dare touch the ticklee (or join in play) during---or after---a scene. unless you have been asked to do so by the players themselves. If you and I have not agreed (consented) to a scene, then don't try to get into one I am having with someone else. You will suffer the consequences which could be as simple as being asked to leave, or could have much more grave and long lasting consequences.

PHYSICAL “SPACE” : DO NOT TOUCH THE PLAYERS; PEOPLE OR PROPERTY (TOYS)
Do not touch anyone, even in what you think of as a friendly way (like touching someone's arm in conversation) without asking permission. Ticklers, you have no right to touch or to tickle without permission. Ticklees, you do not have to feel at the mercy of every tickler at the party. You do not have to accept any unsolicited touching, tickling or groping. Stop any harassing behavior and report it to the hosts.

In some circles however, hugging hello and goodbye may be the norm. Watch and see if someone goes to hug you, or if you are invited to do so. But in many circles, hugging someone in even a casual way without the prior assurance that it is welcome is considered overstepping the bounds.

The working assumption is that touch of any kind is not ok without asking. On the other hand, asking to hug or shake hands or look at the piercing someone is flaunting is certainly acceptable and not considered an offense in any way, just so long as the asker does not act offended if the answer is not what he wanted to hear.

Not only our bodies deserve the respect to be touched only with consent, but so too our belongings. Don't touch without permission: This seems like a bigger irritant in the scene than in society as a whole. Just as much as you don’t touch anyone without their permission, also do not touch other people's toys or equipment.

COMMITTED PARTNERS.
There are certain accepted conventions in every community. In the SM-leather fetish there is a notion of a collared submissive. A Collar can mean two things; it can mean someone is adopting a fashion fad, or it can mean that person is a member of a committed relationship. Though not common in the tickle community, wearing of a “collar” on a bottom (or more correctly) a “submissive” is a sign a person is in a deeply committed relationship, and is a token of ownership to one’s master or mistress, or dominant.

This custom may start to carry over into tickle gatherings, particularly as the tickle community is beginning to share party spaces with the Leather SM community in many cites. There is a protocol to in the scene; which is that it’s considered very bad form to approach a collared submissive without approval or permission from the sub’s owner. The proper procedure is to approach the top/dominant first.

But, knowing who is in such a committed relationship and can't play with others without permission may be a bit of a problem, as even then not all committed subs wear collars. Be very careful how you approach someone if you are not sure. If you make a mistake, and someone directs you to his/her top, then simply admit you didn’t know, and make your request or comment. If you aren't sure about someone don't want to make a mistake, ask someone you know, or the host, since they invited people.

DON’T CROWD THE PLAY SCENE
When you are watching a tickle scene, or someone is being tickled in the room with you, give them plenty of room. It can be distracting when someone is too close. Also, all conversations should cease. Do not talk during a tickling. There is a kitchen and a patio out back where you can hang out and talk. Sometimes, during a tickle scene, the tickler may invite comments or participation from those around him; this is a casual way of building a multi-person role-playing scene, and you should feel free to participate. Just remember that the tickler is in charge, and will set the parameters of your participation by what he says. Involving others in a scene can add a lot to it, and everyone benefits, but be sure to take your cues from the tickler.

Do not crowd a tickle scene while play is going on, or after a tickle scene has concluded. It’s okay to observe, unless the players are in a private room, or a cloaked off or concealed space. But watch from a respectful distance.
An audience staring from too close quarters can be very distracting. Watching is a great way to share in a way, in the excitement of the playing, but give players the space they need to do their scene. Be aware of the physical and emotional boundaries of the scene. Just as individuals need their sense of "comfort space," a scene needs its space. Imagine an invisible barricade between the players and their audience.
If the players ask you to move, do so. If you get so close that you are disturbing play, you may be asked to leave the party. Do not get too close to the ticklee during---or after---a scene. Ticklees are dependent on their ticklers: the ticklee's physical and emotional well-being are the tickler's responsibility during and after scenes.

DON’T NOISILY DISTRACT THE PLAYERS
Talking, laughing or commenting on an ongoing scene is considered impolite and disturbing. Enjoy the scene quietly or go away if you don't like it. Above all do not talk to people while they are playing, unless they specifically invite comment or participation! Also, do not try to start a conversation with the partners while they are cuddling together after a scene. After a scene, give the players a quiet space on the sofa if they want to cuddle together. The closeness and aftercare following scenes gives them some time to come down.

Don’t talk so loudly that you disturb the play. Go to the social area to chat. The senses of the tickle players in a scene are very likely hyper-tuned and on edge. And the comment you think are quiet may be easily heard by the players you’re watching. For many players, they are performing in public what may for them be rather personal and even intimate acts. While the play partners are focused on each other and on their intimacy, is not the time to interrupt.
And they deserve the respect of the audience they have, even and especially as the party is being held in private, safe, and secure quarters. You don’t want be the cause of an incident that ruins a wonderful scene for someone. A ticklee may be deep into headspace and sailing though a scene. Loud conversation can be devastating, and can pull her/him right out of that state. We all make occasional mistakes in this category - even the most seasoned players. If you must talk and greet others while in the play areas, do it quietly. If asked to "take it to the social area" apologize and do so quickly.

COMPLIMENTS, BUT AT THE RIGHT TIME
If you liked a particular scene, telling them what you liked about their scene is usually well-received. But wait till they are walking about and socializing again! More often than not, a compliment to the player/s, after the scene, may go a long way to getting a conversation started. When talking to a play partners, it is normally a respectful protocol, to first address your questions to the tickler, not the ticklee. They will let you know how best they want to respond.

BE A RESPECTFUL OBSERVER
Respectful spectators are often welcome, voyeurs and plain masturbators not. A play party is not a peep show..
Don't gape. Be sensitive to what each individual is offering. Be sensitive about when and who you ask, and be sensitive while you watch.
There is a fine line between sincere and amiable social fascination, versus prurient judgmentalism and gawking.
Even though many folks do enjoy the exhibitionist and educational aspects of what they are doing, they are not there to personally entertain or educate you.

DO NOT INTERFERE WITH OR INTERRUPT A SCENE
Don't ever interrupt or interfere with the players in any ongoing scene or play, unless you are invited to join.
Do not engage in any play scenes, unless you are asked to do so. A scene that looks like a wild free-for-all, could likely be a carefully pre arranged bit of party theater, set up by the players. That tickle bottom and/or tickle top may only want to play with a selected few ticklers. Join in only if the Top/tickler CLEARLY states or indicates (beckons) you into joining in the scene.

If you want to watch you are usually welcome, but leave them enough room to act and move. If something you see seems to be too extreme, and you are bothered by it, check with a host or “scene monitor” , discuss it with them. If an action needs to be taken, let the host or “scene monitor” will take care of it, if possibly nonconsensual or truly dangerous activity is going on. But, tolerant of things you didn't expect. Try not to gawk noticeably at stuff you personally have never encountered before. There is a social norm about what is appropriate astonishment to show to those around you.

NEGATIVITY
It is everyone’s responsibility in the social scene to discourage negative behavior: Please report inappropriate behavior to the hosts.

 

[Spenser]

Negotiation and safe-words

Finally, a little bit on actually negotiaing play scenes, and safwords and/or safe-signals.

Spenser (my last for a little while) ... oh yes, I am going to check with Chris M. who also does a whole lecture session on "scene aftercare" on his take on that essential subject!

NEGOTIATING PLAY It's best to forgo play until potential play partners have negotiated the nature and details of the tickle play the are interested in, as completely as possible.

If you are about to tickle someone you have never tickled before, there should be at least a few words said between you before you begin the scene. Discuss the style of tickling.

SAFE-WORDS AND SAFE-SIGNALS
The one being tickled should always have a “code word” or means of communicating that play is too difficult or a limit has been reached, and that the tickler needs to lighten up or stop altogether.

These “code words” are almost always called safe-words; words that are totally out of context, and thus will not be mistaken for part of role-play. Although it's the ticklee's responsibility to safe-word when he/she reach his/her limits, it's also the tickler's responsibility to watch the ticklee's reactions. Common safe-words are "yellow" for lighten up and "red" for stop. Thus other freewheeling reactions during tickle play don’t have to be mistaken for safe-words to control or stop tickle play. A safe-signal is a non-verbal code which carries the same command call, and is used by people who find their ability to speak inhibited during tickle play.

Play must always be limited to the ticklees’ discretion. If a ticklee uses a safe-word, then play must stop (or lighten up for a “yellow”) until such time that the ticklee agrees that it may resume. Everyone at a tickle event is expected to help enforce the sanctity of safe-words. If you hear a safe-word used, watch to make sure the partner honors its’ use and intervene if they do not. Ignoring your partners’ safe-word is cause for expulsion!

A very important additional consideration applies here; even with safe-words in hand, understood and agreed upon, the tickler is not absolved from having to watch carefully the exact reactions from the ticklee partner, and act accordingly. The ticklee has to be responsible as well and willing to stop the scene if being taken too far beyond limits. A ticklee may think it’s fun to reach for the stars, but if taken too far, it can create a bad experience. The ticklee may be in hysterics and flying so deeply into a submissive-space as to be unready, unwilling, or unable to utter a safe-word or make a safe-signal

It is imperative that the tickler partner be aware and on top of the situation. It’s best if the ticklee knows her/his reactions to tickling after some experience and can convey the desired tickling play and limitations to the prospective tickle partner. Some are able to play at those levels, but it’s really better to know what kind of tickle play you enjoy the most and inform your partners about it. Some ticklees are “submissive”; that is they may enjoy a feeling of surrendering to their partner during tickle play. They find it difficult to object or to limit the tickling even when it's their prerogative. The good tickler has to keep this in mind. He needs to pay attention to how a ticklee is reacting. Everything the ticklee hasn't specifically objected to is not by default permissible.

Be honest with others. If you are new to real life social tickling scene, and looking for a someone to do tickling play with, let them know that. Everyone has to start somewhere. Being new does not make you a bad player but exaggerating your experience is dangerous for everyone. Your partners need to know your experience at this.

Be honest to yourself about what you want. If you are new to real life social tickling, you need to determine a bit about what motivates you, to want to experience and be involved in real life social tickle play, and how you wish to use your motivation to best fulfill your tickling experience.

If you’re a ticklee, or a tickle “bottom”, do you feel just playfully tickly, or enjoy just “bottoming” in tickle scenes, or is this coupled with feelings of surrender or submission when being tickled? Do you like to tease and be “bratty” before or, even during a scene? It could be some of all of these, but you need to decide what you want to make out of each or any prospective experience. Likewise, if you’re a tickler, or a tickle “top”, you need to inform your potential play partners what you like, or what motivates you toward real life tickling. Is it also just playful, or is it more control with tickling, or are you a real sadistic tickler. Can you enjoy a combination of motivations and play styles. If so, you need to relay that idea too.

If potential tickle play partners can find enough meeting ground, they can have wonderful tickling experiences. If their notions of the kind of tickling and play are not that compatible, they may need to keep looking until they find better matches.

And be honest about your personal situation. If you are married, hopefully your spouse participates in tickle play with you. If your spouse does not, it is best at least that you’ve communicated with your spouse about your tickle interest and gotten the spouse’s approval to play to some degree socially. And you’ve got to communicate this position honestly to any potential play partners you may meet in a social situation. Whatever you do, do not involve others in non-consensual acts of adultery.

NON-NEGOTIATED [THUS LATENTLY NON-CONSENTUAL] INTIMACY
When you are tickling a someone you don't know well, don't become overly intimate, unless you have already negotiated it or you are asked for that intimacy. Doing so escalates the scene to a level of intimacy that hasn't been agreed upon. Alarms will go off, and your ticklee will end up feeling as though the trust has been violated. This is an aspect of tickling that must be reserved for when you know each other better. If the tickler or the ticklee have not brought up the subject of intimate touching, and the ticklee hasn't thought to list it as a limit, that does not give the tickler a free right to touch anywhere.

Other Details
Once you’ve established safe-words, you can discuss other play style details. When you are considering tickle play with someone for the first time, honestly discuss the kinds of tickling you’ve done before and the kind of tickling you enjoy, as well as what you don’t like as well. If you’re new, and haven’t done much or any real life social tickling before, be sure to let your prospective play partner know that. Once you have some experience playing with someone, you may develop some of that precious quality of “trust”, you will get to know more about what they like and dislike.

Other things to negotiate:
Play limits (e.g. how hard or gentle/playful you like tickling play, and degrees of “intimacy” or areas “out of bounds”)
Safe-words or safe-signals.
Clothing – how much the ticklee wants or does not want to take off, as well as party “rules” on undress!
Tickle toys, techniques, and positions.
Restraints – Bondage is an optional part of tickling and is used very frequently. First, make sure your ticklee is happy and comfortable with the idea and the reality of being tied! If you are planning on restraining your ticklee, it’s worth thinking about the kind of restraint you use. Use common sense with bondage. Think about whether what you use might cause your ticklee any discomfort, and how easily you can release it in an emergency. [A good hint is to have a pair of good EMT shears handy, that can cut through most any bondage material, rope, leather, etc.]
Duct Tape – with plastic wrap or cloth underneath.
Leather – If possible, it’s worth investing in some good leather cuffs - they are designed for the purpose without causing undue discomfort to the ticklee.
Rope – It’s best to use rope attached to other restraints (soft cuffs). Otherwise, if using rope, learn safe rope bondage techniques, use quality rope only, and consider padding joints and tissues under the rope.
Metal [hand] cuffs, for wrists, ankles, and even toe cuffs can be used for --show-- only. Don’t do tickle play with a ticklee restrained by metal cuffs. Pulling and struggling can cause permanent damage to joints, ligaments.
Panty-hose, silk scarves or stockings – are a bad idea. The more you pull on them, the tighter they get and are liable to cause burns or even cuts to the skin.
Stocks – make sure rough or sharp edges are fully padded.
Gags – be very aware of the risks, and possible asphyxia

 

[njjen3953]

Fabulous Information

Everything that Spenser has posted here is what I feel should be the minimum expectation at EVERY gathering. Although I have done much of it already at SBG, this etiquette will be the RULE and not the exception from now on at every gathering I host.

Jen

 

[njjen3953]

Too good to be lost on page 2.

Please read.