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I like this idea. An interesting balance between the desire to improve the control of his mind so he can recover from the coma and also to play with the girl, and the desire to enjoy the ride.
Notice that when the control of his mind strengthened, he was started to control the girl. Problem is, when his mind heals, the coma will end, he'll return to his life...and lose the girl. A conflict between the desire to recover and the desire to remain. Part of his mind doesn't really want to get better...hence the change in scenery at the end.
I want to see the rest...will he recover from his coma, or remain in a vegetative state? A lot of it might have to do with the quality of the life he'd be returning to...
Didn't read the comments. Well written, original concept (not quite...I thought about this a while ago but never got to it, yay for laziness), and well thought out!
That IS impressively original. Thank you for recommending that I read it! Hats off to your knowlege of the innerworkings of the brain, the "randomly firing neurons"...I had to do a report for my wife's nursing class concerning neurons and synapses...So I had to laugh reading this! The sassy 'lee who is not quite in as much control as she wanted is a treasure.
I have a general rule that if a story leaves you wanting more than the writer has done an exceptional job. I, among many others it would seem, was left wanting more. Unlike the majority though, I do have one peace of constructive criticism that hopefully you find helpful...
Main characters like Sally and Darren could do with some descriptions as to how they look. You described Darren's girlfriend however she was only in the story very breifly. Obviously characters like the other numerous students don't need to be detailed because they (atleast this far) are minor, back ground characters that serve only as props. For the reader to get a complete picture main characters could use a brief description. I don't mean prattle on for six paragraphs about Darren's eighty dollar hair cut, but a quick mention can add greatly to the over all reading experience.
Other than that (minor) thing I too am very impressed, ecspecially seeing as this is your first story. Posting your first story is never easy as the feedback could go either way, and you got plenty and all of it positive. You should be very proud, if you keep this up I see a 'LD_Ticklers story archive' in the future.
Thanks, you're right, I completely forgot to describe Darren in any way. Although his "girlfriend" is in fact Sally, so that description applies to her. Maybe I didn't make that clear enough.
I actually thought my story about someone in a Coma was somewhat a bit more original. Is something still original if the person who follows the first person has never read, nor heard of what came first? Anyway. Sound Siren pointed me toward this and I have to agree man, this is pretty fucking awesome. It's full of wonderful humor that's a dash absent in mine. I loved it.
I LOVE the imagined fantasy girl. Love her wit, her snappyness. She reminds me a little of Harley Quinn. Playful, cute, sharp and sexy.
Dude... I absolutely love your stories. I've read two of them so far, and you have a real way with words. Seriously, I may be new to the tickling community, but you write the best tickling fiction I've ever read.