Really Messed Up

[Oni]

I've known this woman for almost 4 years. We are both in love with each other beyond description, and both recently expressed our feelings for one another, and of course want to be together. I have never felt this way about anyone, nor will I ever again. I would like to marry this woman, just so you get the picture. Anyway... Given the time we've known each other, and our feelings for one another, we've of course discussed a sexual relationship as well... She used to be in a really bad relationship, and the man she was with had a foot fetish. She absolutely hates him now, and the few times she's spoken about their sexual relationship and brought up his liking of feet, she's sounded disgusted. I tried to find out her feelings about it, without being too obvious and giving away the fact that I have a foot fetish as well, and she expresses that it isn't really a turn on, but it doesn't necessarily turn her off either, but I fear she isn't being completely honest, because she's such a good hearted person, she wouldn't want to put anyone down, especially for their sexuality, even if they weren't around. When she talks about it, I hear discomfort, and maybe even disgust in her voice. She only participated in the fetish to please her ex who she now hates with a passion because he hurt her in so many ways, and now that she's with me, what kind of damage will it do to our relationship when she finds out about my similar sexuality? I don't want to remind her of him, and this obviously is quite a way to bring back memories. Not only that, but having such a strange sexuality will no doubt weird her out in general, even if she has dealt with it before. She knows there are things about my sexuality that I am keeping from her, and I told her I would come clean about them, because she has a right to know, at least in my opinion, but I am so afraid of losing her. She's the most important part of my life, and I have not slept all night due to worrying. I'm supposed to tell her today, but I don't know how to, or what to do. I am so embarrassed, and so deathly afraid of scaring her away, or losing her because I am strange... She says she loves me, and that nothing could make her not accept me, and if we are supposed to be together then nothing will be too much of an obstacle for us to handle, but I don't know about this. Every time she thinks of me, I fear all she'll be able to think about is a label. Instead of thinking of the "one she loves", all she'll be able to think of is "my boyfriend, the foot freak", or "Why do I always get stuck with stuff like this, why can't I have a normal sexual partner", or "Wow, now I can be reminded of my last horrible abusive relationship". I don't know what to do, I really don't. I hate myself. I really hate myself now.

 

[Comfort Eagle]

I think you're already ahead of the game. You're looking at it wrong.


Good luck. It's not that bad. Stop stressing and be cool about it.

True dat.:super_hap
People usually only act weird about your fetish if you get weird about it. I've must've told a dozen people I like tickling, and so long as you are cool about it, it usually isnt a big deal.



At least your not that dude sitting under bus seat licking girls feet, right?:happy:

 

[P[a]pi]

First off, you shouldn't hate yourself for having a foot fetish just because the last guy she dated had one and was an asshole.

Foot fetishist doesn't equal ass hole.

A guy can have sex with a chick very badly and make her hate him for it too.

You just have to be honest with her. So, just tell her that you have a foot fetish, but that you aren't gonna try to force it on her. Tell her that you think her feet are cute too.

 

[TickledToDeath]

I've known this woman for almost 4 years. We are both in love with each other beyond description, and both recently expressed our feelings for one another, and of course want to be together. I have never felt this way about anyone, nor will I ever again. I would like to marry this woman, just so you get the picture. Anyway... Given the time we've known each other, and our feelings for one another, we've of course discussed a sexual relationship as well... She used to be in a really bad relationship, and the man she was with had a foot fetish. She absolutely hates him now, and the few times she's spoken about their sexual relationship and brought up his liking of feet, she's sounded disgusted. I tried to find out her feelings about it, without being too obvious and giving away the fact that I have a foot fetish as well, and she expresses that it isn't really a turn on, but it doesn't necessarily turn her off either, but I fear she isn't being completely honest, because she's such a good hearted person, she wouldn't want to put anyone down, especially for their sexuality, even if they weren't around. When she talks about it, I hear discomfort, and maybe even disgust in her voice. She only participated in the fetish to please her ex who she now hates with a passion because he hurt her in so many ways, and now that she's with me, what kind of damage will it do to our relationship when she finds out about my similar sexuality? I don't want to remind her of him, and this obviously is quite a way to bring back memories. Not only that, but having such a strange sexuality will no doubt weird her out in general, even if she has dealt with it before. She knows there are things about my sexuality that I am keeping from her, and I told her I would come clean about them, because she has a right to know, at least in my opinion, but I am so afraid of losing her. She's the most important part of my life, and I have not slept all night due to worrying. I'm supposed to tell her today, but I don't know how to, or what to do. I am so embarrassed, and so deathly afraid of scaring her away, or losing her because I am strange... She says she loves me, and that nothing could make her not accept me, and if we are supposed to be together then nothing will be too much of an obstacle for us to handle, but I don't know about this. Every time she thinks of me, I fear all she'll be able to think about is a label. Instead of thinking of the "one she loves", all she'll be able to think of is "my boyfriend, the foot freak", or "Why do I always get stuck with stuff like this, why can't I have a normal sexual partner", or "Wow, now I can be reminded of my last horrible abusive relationship". I don't know what to do, I really don't. I hate myself. I really hate myself now.

Ok...first off.....gear away from the usage of "foot fetish" and when you bring up the sexuality topic....go more to the terminology of tickling and your love of tickling as opposed to "feet" specifically then elaborate that you live to tickle feet especially because of how, sensual and sensitive feet are but highlight "tickling" moreso than "foot fetishism" .

Then move on from there.

TTD

 

[Relent<]

well, she'd find out eventually. There's no point in trying to suppress your own sexual instinct-- we have to do that enough in public as it is. If you can't be honest with the woman you love, then who can you be honest with? If you're as close as you say, then she won't judge you because of your sexual preference. At some point she'll have to realize that just because you both harbor the same fetish, you are two completely different people. I realize my opinions may be a little harsh, but I do believe that they are logical.

 

[Comfort Eagle]

well, she'd find out eventually.

Preach.

 

[Oni]

well, she'd find out eventually. There's no point in trying to suppress your own sexual instinct-- we have to do that enough in public as it is. If you can't be honest with the woman you love, then who can you be honest with? If you're as close as you say, then she won't judge you because of your sexual preference. At some point she'll have to realize that just because you both harbor the same fetish, you are two completely different people. I realize my opinions may be a little harsh, but I do believe that they are logical.

No, you are right. Your opinions are not opinions, they are facts. And I prefer harsh logic, over sugar coated lies any day. If I can't be honest with the one I love who can I be honest with? And if she truly does love me of course it shouldn't matter. I know it doesn't to me. If she told me her sexual preference involved me covering myself in feces while singing and dancing, and I would feel completely comfortable, and easily able to accept that because I do truly love her... Anyway, I did tell her, and it did not go so well. She accepts me, or so she says she does, but she was really upset. I was correct in fearing that it would remind her of the past, and it is very difficult for her, understandably so. I am heartbroken because I fear I have ruined everything. She seems distant now, and disconnected from me. That's what I get for being honest and trustworthy I guess. This was my most heavily guarded secret, and in revealing it to her, I hoped that it would strengthen our relationship, and fortify the foundation of trust, but it seems as though instead it has shaken it violently. I can't help but feel like I have done something wrong. I feel ashamed. She does love me truly, and is willing to work through this mess I have created, but I feel crushed and broken that now things will never be the same. I feel that she will never view me in the same light she did before. I was perfect to her, and now I feel that in her eyes I am dirty, and tainted. The pain I feel is inhuman, knowing that I have caused pain to the one I love, and damaged the only thing that matters to me, not because of something I have done, but because of what I am, because of how I involuntarily developed.

 

[Relent<]

Then how can you blame yourself? As a human being, you did not choose your sexual preference and therefore you are not to blame for the objectivity of your affections. There is nothing more that you can do, but the ebb-and-flow of the relationship will be determined by her own ability to adjust to you and not let herself be eternally scarred by a past relationship. Its better that she found out about this before you proposed, anyway. Now she has all the facts-- its up to her what she does with them.

 

[Budweiserbob!]

I say, break the news to her gently. Tell her that "I know you've had a problem with foot fetishism for a while, mainly due to your ex boyfriend, but, truth be told, I have a similar fetish."

It's what I would do in your situation, knowing that she's a very understanding person and wouldn't want to hurt anyone. Do what people in love do best and connect, then build on that. 😀

 

[Ace Riley]

Friend, you have to show the difference between YOU and the person she had the issue with.

Show her the erotic touch, slowly... hell my girl had problems with tickling when she was younger and at first saw it as creepy and abusive. In time, with love, I showed her that I was different. I was sensual, and I was a caring mate.

You need to go slow, and be matter of fact about it. I know it isn't easy, but now tickling is much a part of foreplay and my sex life. It isn't at the forefront, and it's not like we built a dungeon and I go all out with my fetish, lol. However it's something I can share, even if she doesn't feel anything particularly exciting about it herself, she still enjoys it because of the reactions... and because:

she can trust me.

Show that you are NOT the abusive individual she knew. When she sees she can trust you, then she...well, will trust you. Give a girl the security she needs from a man, and she will learn to love anything and everything about you.

I've seen women stick with a man who is abusive, if only because he also provides her with a sense of security. It's psycological, but it's common sense. Women in general, enjoy knowing they are safe with those they love... and women are strong friend, they can deal with many things if those requirements are met. Many stressful things we can't imagine. Your love for tickling, I am sure, is something she can deal with... as long as you show you care for her first and foremost.

 

[Oni]

Everyone that's been helping me, Ace Riley, TickledToDeath, Papi, Budweiserbob and especially Relent, I just want you to know that I am greatful and most appreciative of your comfort and advice. Things seem to be going very well now, as she is no longer so distant, and is constantly expressing to me that she feels I am perfect (though I am far from it, lol.) I'm not in the clear yet however. Some issues still linger, though not as heavy. I'm sure she of course is still working through her demons about the whole thing, and of course I will do my best to help her. I am uncertain if it will ever be okay to comfortably indulge this part of my sexuality despite revealing it to her, and that would be okay with me, because of my love for her, but I am afraid that I may not be able to achieve achieve what is necessary for adequate sexual performance, if this is the only thing that truly arouses me. I honestly don't know if it is, and I am worried to find out. I don't know how I'll explain that without being damaging. I shouldn't worry about that until I know for sure though I guess. Regardless of the ultimate outcome, I do not regret telling her. I feel an unimaginable weight has been lifted from me, and I feel liberated. I was more afraid of someone finding out, than I would be of dying. Now I've conquered that fear by revealing it, and not only that, but revealing it to the one that would be most difficult to tell. I believe this will lead to a happier, and more fulfilling life. If for some reason things don't work out, (in which case I will be crushed, because of how deeply I love this woman) but if it were not to be, then at least now I am able to be honest and open about my sexuality in future endeavors. Thank you all for all of your comforting advice thus far.

 

[Plague Doctor]

I think your gf can be really happy with a guy like you not to go all emotional on ya and shit!! and if she can see how much you love her and how long you kept those feeling hidden she'll know you're nothing like her ex and will accept the man that you are with or without fetish. I wish you the best of luck with your other problems.

 

[chode]

I say do what NERRAD said. Sounds like some really good advice. Same with PAPI. They both had intelligent things to say.

 

[Relent<]

Your welcome, I was glad to help a fellow enthusiast ^_^
I wish the two of you happiness.

 

[nobody_reallyy]

gOOdness gracious me..o__o~

just dont use a terminology which would would pigeon hole urself by using a word like "foot fetish" ~ inwhich case u are describing urself as the same as everybody else in that catagory including the ex ~

just make ur sexuality small and personal to urself~ and let her understand that u dont throw it around because of respect for other's comfotability~

then she will probably understand that she doesnt have to deal with the same problems as her ex.