Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Great news! I'll have plenty of leg room on the plane this trip! A bunch of people headed for a psychics convention cancelled at the last minute!
Prisoner: "Do you really find any satisfaction in your work?"
Executioner: "Not at this time. But I expect to in the offing."
Can you believe it? I paid $200 dollars just to see my ex-girlfriend! To be fair, they're damn good binoculars.
Always use fabric softener when doing laundry. It will make your clothes ex-static!
I forgot my scraper and had to use one of my plastic discount cards to remove the ice from my windshield. Didn't work too well... I only got ten percent off.
The powerful mutant telepath, Professor X, knows everything! His less talented brother, Professor Y, never stops questioning him.
I've been getting into Indian culture and have recently learned the difference between korma and karma: korma can make up a whole meal... karma is just desserts.
"I've heard a lot about a special park called Strawberry Fields. Where can I find it?"
"Notting, Israel."
An entomological query: can the queen ant knight ordinary worker ants? Get back to me soon... I want ant sirs!
"Ever hear about the condemned prisoner who escaped into the Okefenokee Swamp only to be massacred by a gang'a 'gators? There was blood an' body parts ever'where!"
"Wow! Is that really a true story?'
"Wellll.... it is an alli-gory."
Last night, I paused a film so I could make myself a cup of coffee. In this day and age, it's quite common to watch movies this way... so how come the theater owner fired me from my projectionist job?
Q: Which prospector is non-binary?
A: The one who looks for gold in them/their hills.
I start each morning with snap, crackle and pop! Then, after I've finally gotten out of bed, I make my breakfast.
"Clerk, where do I find the condiments?"
"Aisle C."
"Well, don't take too long. I'm in a hurry."
Come join the Flat Earth Society! We have important members all across the globe!
Physics tells us that whatever goes up must come down. But if it doesn't come down in four hours, see a doctor quick.
Mr. Magoo once spent two weeks outside a bordello. He was waiting for the light to turn green.
Tachyon: "I'll have a beer, please."
Bartender: "Sorry, weirdo! I'm not serving you anything today!"
Tachyon: "How come? You did tomorrow!"
Jesus was nailed to the cross by his wrists and feet. He's the holiest figure in Christianity.
Doctor: "After several rounds of tests, I'm still not entire sure how your liver became so badly damaged. It's very likely that alcoholism is involved."
Patient: "Well sober up quick so you can figure it out, doc!"
The most popular Christmas decoration in the Kremlin this year: ballistic mistletoe.
A woman enters a pharmacy and asks to buy some cyanide.
"I can't sell you cyanide!" the pharmacist replies, shocked. "It's a deadly poison!"
"I know that!" the woman fumes. "I plan to use it to kill my husband! I've had a private detective trail that louse to a dozen different floozies in town!"
"All the more reason I can't let you have it!" the man returns. "Without absolute proof, you shouldn't even be thinking of such a thing!"
"Yeah?" the woman snarls. "How's this for proof?", and she hands the druggist a photo of her hubby in bed with his wife.
"Oh," he states flatly. "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
* * *
Prisoner: "Do you really find any satisfaction in your work?"
Executioner: "Not at this time. But I expect to in the offing."
* * *
Can you believe it? I paid $200 dollars just to see my ex-girlfriend! To be fair, they're damn good binoculars.
* * *
Always use fabric softener when doing laundry. It will make your clothes ex-static!
* * *
I forgot my scraper and had to use one of my plastic discount cards to remove the ice from my windshield. Didn't work too well... I only got ten percent off.
* * *
The powerful mutant telepath, Professor X, knows everything! His less talented brother, Professor Y, never stops questioning him.
* * *
I've been getting into Indian culture and have recently learned the difference between korma and karma: korma can make up a whole meal... karma is just desserts.
* * *
"I've heard a lot about a special park called Strawberry Fields. Where can I find it?"
"Notting, Israel."
* * *
An entomological query: can the queen ant knight ordinary worker ants? Get back to me soon... I want ant sirs!
* * *
"Ever hear about the condemned prisoner who escaped into the Okefenokee Swamp only to be massacred by a gang'a 'gators? There was blood an' body parts ever'where!"
"Wow! Is that really a true story?'
"Wellll.... it is an alli-gory."
* * *
Last night, I paused a film so I could make myself a cup of coffee. In this day and age, it's quite common to watch movies this way... so how come the theater owner fired me from my projectionist job?
* * *
Q: Which prospector is non-binary?
A: The one who looks for gold in them/their hills.
* * *
I start each morning with snap, crackle and pop! Then, after I've finally gotten out of bed, I make my breakfast.
* * *
"Clerk, where do I find the condiments?"
"Aisle C."
"Well, don't take too long. I'm in a hurry."
* * *
Come join the Flat Earth Society! We have important members all across the globe!
* * *
Physics tells us that whatever goes up must come down. But if it doesn't come down in four hours, see a doctor quick.
* * *
Mr. Magoo once spent two weeks outside a bordello. He was waiting for the light to turn green.
* * *
Tachyon: "I'll have a beer, please."
Bartender: "Sorry, weirdo! I'm not serving you anything today!"
Tachyon: "How come? You did tomorrow!"
* * *
Jesus was nailed to the cross by his wrists and feet. He's the holiest figure in Christianity.
* * *
Doctor: "After several rounds of tests, I'm still not entire sure how your liver became so badly damaged. It's very likely that alcoholism is involved."
Patient: "Well sober up quick so you can figure it out, doc!"
* * *
The most popular Christmas decoration in the Kremlin this year: ballistic mistletoe.
* * *
A woman enters a pharmacy and asks to buy some cyanide.
"I can't sell you cyanide!" the pharmacist replies, shocked. "It's a deadly poison!"
"I know that!" the woman fumes. "I plan to use it to kill my husband! I've had a private detective trail that louse to a dozen different floozies in town!"
"All the more reason I can't let you have it!" the man returns. "Without absolute proof, you shouldn't even be thinking of such a thing!"
"Yeah?" the woman snarls. "How's this for proof?", and she hands the druggist a photo of her hubby in bed with his wife.
"Oh," he states flatly. "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
