Yesterday I met my father for lunch in Center City Philadelphia, and spent about three hours with him. The last time I saw him, it was all about exchanging pleasantries, and not delving into the serious issues. Yesterday, we did get into the serious issues. After the meeting, and hearing what he had to say, I realize I have two choices, either accept him, for what he is, and the limited relationship I will always have with him, or, estrange from him. I am choosing the former, unless he does something to cause another estrangement.
During my time with him, I tried to express how I felt about how he, my grandmother, and uncle treated me, and the hurt and pain they caused me. Instead of saying to me "Mitch, you're right, and I'm sorry how they treated you, and how I treated you in their behalf." He said. "Your uncle's perspective has changed since he became a father", and.. "Fanny,. (His mother) was "wrong" about sending you the letter disinheriting you after Grandpa Sam died, and for accusing you of inflicting harm on a suffering man on the way to his grave". He claimed she was "Guilty with an explanation", and he has never, in almost 30 years, shown any anger toward her for hurting me. (I was all of 12 at the time the bitch sent me the letter, and I did go to his funeral, so why she sent me that, I dont know).
Then, when we got to the issue of my father's wife, and her marrying him when we were estranged, and passing judgement on how I should "Call" my grandmother, even though his wife didnt know the history, and such, he justifed that too. As I may have posted earlier, my father's wife was very rude to my mom on the phone when they spoke this past July. All my mom said was "Cheryl, didnt you ever question why Mitch and Alan were estranged?". Cheryl's reply was "My daughter has no father, and life's tough". Not the kind of reply I wanted to hear from Cheryl, after she had married him when we were estranged, and passed judgement on me. She has never said anything like "The timing of our marriage was wrong, and I shoukdnt have passed judgement on Mitch for not talking to his grandmother, without meeting him, and hearing from him why he didnt talk to her". It's like she and my dad feel it is her entitlement to do so.
After this conversation, I realize that my father is never going to change. Anyone who hurts me will always be right, and I will always be wrong, and he will be capable of hurting me for everyone else. Clearly, he is not a normal parent, and never will be. Normal parents are offended when other people hurt their children, and will stand up for their children. He never has, no matter what my grandmother, uncle, or Cheryl did, they were always justified.
Finally, my father told me that it is not a "Condition" that I have to see Cheryl. (Very generous of him, considering I'm almost 40, and he has no right to tell me who to see). I didnt say I'm never going to see her. All I said is "What I care about is our relationship, I dont care about Cheryl". He lied about this once in the past, because in 2000, I told him the same thing, he shook my hand, said it didnt matter, and then at every meeting thereafter said "Cheryl wants to meet you".
Where I'm at is this: I am willing to see my father, seperately. I realize that Cheryl and her family are his priority, and that I'm someone from his old life. I will never pass judgement or make comment on how much time or effort he spends on them. Conversely, it is very clear he wants to put little time and effort to me. He has this thing about not wanting to "Drive" to see me, and would rather take the train. When I asked him if he could please drive to King of Prussia Mall for my 40th Bday, to celebrate with me, for the first time in what would be twenty two years, as I havent spent a Bday with him since I'm 18, he didnt want to do so. I'm not having a party, but I did want to have lunch with him and my mom, together. My mom was willing to do so, in spite of the horrible things my father has done to her. My father wants me to kiss Cheryl's ass up and down, but he cant celebrate my bday how I want to, after 22 years, and have lunch with my mom, for an hour? No. Sorry. Chances are, I'll get a card, a check and a call from him, and he wont see me. The least effort possible. Fine. Next year for his 70th, I'll do the same thing.
So that's it. I came home yesterday, and told all this to my mom. I think that any parent who wants to put the least effort into their child, at any age, and doesnt want to celebrate occasions with them, is appalling. That being said, for whatever my reasons are, I'm not looking to be estranged from him, so, it is what it is, for the limited relationship. If he says to me "You must see Cheryl, or I dont want to see you anymore", which I think is very possible. My reply will be "Fine, have a nice life without me. After what you and she did, you have no fucking right to tell me who to see. " Even my assistant, (who I dont like, as everyone knows), has told me that my father has no right to tell a 40 year old man who to see.
That's all. I talk to him every Monday, and may see him in Philly for another 3 hrs in November. It is what it is, and it will never be any different. If he can accept it, so can I.
Mitch
One other thing I should also mention: Over Labor Day weekend, my father flew to and from California, 6000 miles, and drove, hundreds of miles, because Cheryl's college roommate's daughter was getting married. This is a man that has no problem flying 6000 miles, and driving hundreds of miles, for two days, for his wife's friend's daughter, but cant drive 100 miles each way, once, to celebrate his son's 40th birthday. after not celebrating a birthday with me in 22 years? What utter bullshit! I guess one day if I ever get married in Lancaster or the Philly burbs, I can expect my dad not to show up, because he'll have to put through too much effort to do so. If he was to do that, I'd have to make him history.
During my time with him, I tried to express how I felt about how he, my grandmother, and uncle treated me, and the hurt and pain they caused me. Instead of saying to me "Mitch, you're right, and I'm sorry how they treated you, and how I treated you in their behalf." He said. "Your uncle's perspective has changed since he became a father", and.. "Fanny,. (His mother) was "wrong" about sending you the letter disinheriting you after Grandpa Sam died, and for accusing you of inflicting harm on a suffering man on the way to his grave". He claimed she was "Guilty with an explanation", and he has never, in almost 30 years, shown any anger toward her for hurting me. (I was all of 12 at the time the bitch sent me the letter, and I did go to his funeral, so why she sent me that, I dont know).
Then, when we got to the issue of my father's wife, and her marrying him when we were estranged, and passing judgement on how I should "Call" my grandmother, even though his wife didnt know the history, and such, he justifed that too. As I may have posted earlier, my father's wife was very rude to my mom on the phone when they spoke this past July. All my mom said was "Cheryl, didnt you ever question why Mitch and Alan were estranged?". Cheryl's reply was "My daughter has no father, and life's tough". Not the kind of reply I wanted to hear from Cheryl, after she had married him when we were estranged, and passed judgement on me. She has never said anything like "The timing of our marriage was wrong, and I shoukdnt have passed judgement on Mitch for not talking to his grandmother, without meeting him, and hearing from him why he didnt talk to her". It's like she and my dad feel it is her entitlement to do so.
After this conversation, I realize that my father is never going to change. Anyone who hurts me will always be right, and I will always be wrong, and he will be capable of hurting me for everyone else. Clearly, he is not a normal parent, and never will be. Normal parents are offended when other people hurt their children, and will stand up for their children. He never has, no matter what my grandmother, uncle, or Cheryl did, they were always justified.
Finally, my father told me that it is not a "Condition" that I have to see Cheryl. (Very generous of him, considering I'm almost 40, and he has no right to tell me who to see). I didnt say I'm never going to see her. All I said is "What I care about is our relationship, I dont care about Cheryl". He lied about this once in the past, because in 2000, I told him the same thing, he shook my hand, said it didnt matter, and then at every meeting thereafter said "Cheryl wants to meet you".
Where I'm at is this: I am willing to see my father, seperately. I realize that Cheryl and her family are his priority, and that I'm someone from his old life. I will never pass judgement or make comment on how much time or effort he spends on them. Conversely, it is very clear he wants to put little time and effort to me. He has this thing about not wanting to "Drive" to see me, and would rather take the train. When I asked him if he could please drive to King of Prussia Mall for my 40th Bday, to celebrate with me, for the first time in what would be twenty two years, as I havent spent a Bday with him since I'm 18, he didnt want to do so. I'm not having a party, but I did want to have lunch with him and my mom, together. My mom was willing to do so, in spite of the horrible things my father has done to her. My father wants me to kiss Cheryl's ass up and down, but he cant celebrate my bday how I want to, after 22 years, and have lunch with my mom, for an hour? No. Sorry. Chances are, I'll get a card, a check and a call from him, and he wont see me. The least effort possible. Fine. Next year for his 70th, I'll do the same thing.
So that's it. I came home yesterday, and told all this to my mom. I think that any parent who wants to put the least effort into their child, at any age, and doesnt want to celebrate occasions with them, is appalling. That being said, for whatever my reasons are, I'm not looking to be estranged from him, so, it is what it is, for the limited relationship. If he says to me "You must see Cheryl, or I dont want to see you anymore", which I think is very possible. My reply will be "Fine, have a nice life without me. After what you and she did, you have no fucking right to tell me who to see. " Even my assistant, (who I dont like, as everyone knows), has told me that my father has no right to tell a 40 year old man who to see.
That's all. I talk to him every Monday, and may see him in Philly for another 3 hrs in November. It is what it is, and it will never be any different. If he can accept it, so can I.
Mitch
One other thing I should also mention: Over Labor Day weekend, my father flew to and from California, 6000 miles, and drove, hundreds of miles, because Cheryl's college roommate's daughter was getting married. This is a man that has no problem flying 6000 miles, and driving hundreds of miles, for two days, for his wife's friend's daughter, but cant drive 100 miles each way, once, to celebrate his son's 40th birthday. after not celebrating a birthday with me in 22 years? What utter bullshit! I guess one day if I ever get married in Lancaster or the Philly burbs, I can expect my dad not to show up, because he'll have to put through too much effort to do so. If he was to do that, I'd have to make him history.
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