So I had a really painful dream last night...

[Adam]

Yeah, like the subject says. Long story short... when I was 22 (in 2001, going on 23)), I began dating a girl who was, to me, my soul mate. Told me she loved me and everything. Absolutely beautiful... kind of a brunette Charlize Theron lookalike (if you've ever seen "Devil's Advocate"). Shortly after Valentine's day 2002, she admitted to me that she has slept with another guy, and how she considered it the worst mistake of her life. She wanted to continue seeing me, but I was just so, forgive me for the language, just fucked up by the experience. I couldn't look at her the same way anymore, and eventually, we parted ways.

Thing about her, though, is that she was suffering from a mild form of schizophrenia. I hadn't dealt with anything like that before, so I tried to be as supportive as I could be, but I admit it was hard. Really hard. Anyone who has ever seen it... you know what I mean. To this day, I feel like maybe I was too hard on her. Yes, I know she betrayed me. At the same time, I know that maybe she didn't really know what she was doing at the time. I cut ties with her and haven't heard from her in 3 years. And I know it's because I hinted that I didn't want to hear from her anymore, in our last phone conversation... because I was so hurt.

Well, she's moved since then, so I have no idea where to reach her anymore. I think about her every single day... just hoping she's beaten that horrific illness and living a happy life. The other night I had a dream that I'd found her again, finally. I held her tight (and I'm crying like a baby as I type this), and told her, "This is just a dream, isn't it?" "Yeah.", she says. " So I won't be seeing you when I wake up, will I?" "No, and I'm sorry", she replies. "It's OK, Winter. Before I wake up, I want to let you know that I love you so much... from the bottom of my heart." I reply. " I love you too," she tells me, before I finally wake up... and at that time my heart shatters into a million pieces. Feel like I need a friend or 500. It's been screwing with me, guys. Can't get this dream out of my mind. I just really wish I could see her one more time.

 

[Sultrybrunette]

Hugs Adam. The mind works in mysterious ways. Just realize that if you two were to meet it might not go like your dream. What if she is happily married? Sounds like your guilt is getting to you a little also. Your reaction to her confession is very understandable. I think anyone in that position would react as you did. You are going to have to let her go though if you want to ever think about having a serious relationship with someone else. I have heard there are ways of finding people online. Maybe you can figure out something. I wish you peace.

 

[dskodj]

maybe sharing my experience may make you feel not alone?

........

 

[Krazy]

Yo im falling in love with this girl and I always said id just have "fun"

I never knew shit can happen so fast!

 

[ticklkitten]

Adam, this is a tough one. It takes a lot to deal with something so totally personal and as emotionally draining as love. But I agree with SultryBrunette... time tends to make things fuzzy... right now you are remembering the good times and passion along with the guilt of the present. This is establishing itself in your dreams. But just have faith that you followed your heart in the past, if you loved her so much but knew that you could never totally get over what she had done (no matter what her reasons were) you did the right thing by letting her go. You both needed to move on or it would have eaten both of you alive and destroyed your relationship in the end regardless. But it just takes time, I've been there with the painful dreams. THey are part of the healing process too.

If you are a religous person, say a little prayer for her, and yourself and your healing heart. If not, maybe write down your feelings just to help get them out (coming here and letting it out is a VERY good start).

It'll get better if you allow it to, I promise.

 

[Sultrybrunette]

What im doing at this point is just interacting with women when I can and maybe someday make a good female friend eventualy with benefits I guess ya can say, espessaly TICKLING benefits would be nice and I wouldnt accept any less..hehe 😀 Since I know I cant (nor have the slightest want) to go for the comittment/relationship thing as a result to my emotions for my one and true love that got lost in the void (as I stated above)..this would be the next best thing to do, and who knows what the future holds for any of us my friend, maybe someday our lost loves could find their way back to us and things would fix when the times are right, they do say everything happens for a reason 😉 Never give up hope but dont put your life on hold either if ya get what im sayin.

dskodj I am sorry for your pain and hurt. But what you propose in your quote isn't any better. What about the emotions and wishes of the other girls that you happen to become "friends" with? Talk about having your cake and eat it too. Although I have to say, thats what alot of men want anyway. It would be the next best thing for you but not for everyone involved. What if one of those girls falls in love with you? It certainly wouldn't be a waste of your time but what about their's? What if they decide they want something more permanent. Will you just tell them sorry, was just in it for the fun???? I believe you should try and heal first. Give yourself time to deal with all your feelings. Once you have done that, then maybe start slowly. But all your going to do is take your hurt and feelings out on these other women. Just my thought as a woman who has been on the other end many times.

 

[dskodj]

dskodj I am sorry for your pain and hurt. But what you propose in your quote isn't any better. What about the emotions and wishes of the other girls that you happen to become "friends" with? Talk about having your cake and eat it too. Although I have to say, thats what alot of men want anyway. It would be the next best thing for you but not for everyone involved. What if one of those girls falls in love with you? It certainly wouldn't be a waste of your time but what about their's? What if they decide they want something more permanent. Will you just tell them sorry, was just in it for the fun???? I believe you should try and heal first. Give yourself time to deal with all your feelings. Once you have done that, then maybe start slowly. But all your going to do is take your hurt and feelings out on these other women. Just my thought as a woman who has been on the other end many times.

It would have to be a mutual agreement about the whole "friends" with benefits thing between me and whoever the other person involved would be, I would NEVER just do something like that without laying it out on the table where im at right now in life first and would NEVER use nor lead anyone on..its been done to me too many times in life. So I think you TOTALY misunderstood where I was going with that and what I was sayin!

 

[dskodj]

Yo im falling in love with this girl and I always said id just have "fun"

I never knew shit can happen so fast!

you'd be surprised man LOL it happens when your least expecting it

Good luck! 🙂

 

[blondie46]

Hi Adam,
One thing is for sure, since you were the one who left her, she is not going to come looking for you. Men are supposed to be the aggressors, the chasers, in my old-fashioned view. Hire a good private detective to find her, if just to settle your mind.

 

[Dr. Vollin]

you'd be surprised man LOL it happens when your least expecting it

Good luck! 🙂

Truer words were never spoken.

 

[Adam]

Hey again guys. I've been recovering from an injury this past week (don't worry, I'm OK), so I haven't really been able to get online to respond. I just wanted to thank all of you for your responses. It's really an odd thing. It's been nearly 3 years since I've talked to her/seen her. Yet still, every now and then I'll have these dreams. They just kind of pop up randomly. Sultry and Kitten, you pretty much nailed it right on the head about my guilt being a big factor. The funny thing, though, is that I know my response to the whole matter was justifiable. She had betrayed my trust, and that broke my heart. Even though the feelings of betrayal have greatly lessened over time, if I were to find her and restart a relationship, I know that would always be in the back of my mind. I've thought about hiring a good PI in the past. There's always the possibility I wouldn't like what I found out, but I suppose at least then I'd know. Anyway, whatever I end up doing, I'll be sure to let you guys know. Again, thank you. I just needed to vent. I've lived almost 3 years without her now, so that, even though I miss her, tells me I'll be fine. 🙂

 

[Knox The Hatter]

With me, the dreams always meant that someone's trying to tell you something. I'd go find her. Damn the expense. If only so that you can finally put this to bed.

As far as her getting better: with schizophrenia, she might make it to the point where she can function, more or less in society. As far as a full recovery, that's unlikely. People with this terrible thing suffer with it, in degrees, for their entire lives.

Find her.

 

[ticklishbbw]

Here's my 2 cents....

I've always found that my first instincts or gut reactions are generally the best decisions for me. At any time, when I've second guessed a decision, I've always come to regret it, or realize I was right the first time. This is in relationship matters, and other areas of life.

I think we always look back at "bad times" or emotional decisions and start to second guess ourselves. However, in my opinion, if you felt that strongly about her cheating at the time, you probably did the right thing. You said in your latest post, "if I were to find her and restart a relationship, I know that would always be in the back of my mind." Having something like that in the back of your mind will eventually ruin a relationship. The first time she comes home late, or doesn't answer her cell you'll start getting suspicious.

Who knows why we dream what we dream. Maybe you're still trying to work out why things went the way they did, maybe you're at a point in your life where you want a relationship (deep down) and your mind is rehashing the old one. Anyway...that was my 2 cents.

 

[Adam]

With me, the dreams always meant that someone's trying to tell you something. I'd go find her. Damn the expense. If only so that you can finally put this to bed.

As far as her getting better: with schizophrenia, she might make it to the point where she can function, more or less in society. As far as a full recovery, that's unlikely. People with this terrible thing suffer with it, in degrees, for their entire lives.

Find her.

Yeah, I know this illness doesn't generally just dissapear... though I have read accounts where it at least becomes dormant. I'm leaning heavily toward attempting to find her via PI. If nothing else, it'll finally put this thing to rest. I know it may sound silly to love someone who cheated on me. I guess you just had to be me, and know her, to understand. I think about her every day. Guess I should spare the expense, shouldn't I?

 

[ViperGTS]

Adam, don't lean towards doing this. DO IT. I am 150% behind Knox on this matter...you HAVE to find her. There's no way you'll be able to put this to bed until you do. Let me tell you what happened to me.

I'm still young, but I still have the same emotions as everyone else. When I was in high school, I was going out with this girl named Stacia. I had never felt feeling s so strong before in my life. It was true, heart melting love. We were together for over a year and a half (not too long, I know, for a 17 year old, it is), and then she went away to college. Since she was a year older than me, I was still in high school in my senior year. She was in a more grown up environment, and started to mature more rapidly than I could keep up with. Not to mention, be being in high school and having opportunity after oppotunity to do not-so-faithful-things was wearing on me. When we talked on the phone, sometimes my hormones would get ahead of me and I would say something hurtful. The combination of that and her being so far away led her to break up with me.

I guess you could say the actual breakup was my own fault. But what happened next wasn't, in anyway. I was in such immense pain and heartache that I couldn't stop talking to her. But everything the subject came up, she'd tell me to go find someone else to cry to, that she couldn't help me get through it. She was so mean about it that it hurt me even more.

For a year I suffured through day after day of near-suicidal heartache. Then, one day, I sent her an email. In it, I asked her how she was doing in college, how life was going, and what she was doing to keep herself busy. Her response to me was exactly this.

"Mark,

Please do not contact me in any way ever again.

Stacia"

When I read that, I didn't get angry or sad, but it kind of made me think...who the hell needs a bitch like that anyways?

I apologize if this doesn't help or if it's so unrelated, you're wondering why I even shared. The point of the story is that you can't leave things like this open. The wounds will never heal unless you seek closure. Even if you meet with her and it goes horribly, it will help the healing process.

 

[WorkInProgress]

Before you spend money on a PI, you might try search engines and places like ussearch.com for leads.

Thing is, though, you don't really have a choice but to break up if that's how you feel, because a relationship only has what you need if you feel right in it, and that includes being able to trust her. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you had to break up with her because she was unfaithful, I'm only saying that you had to break up with her because you no longer felt comfortable with her in that relationship, and intimacy is the one place where you have to look out for your own interests first--humanely, of course.

Good luck.