Something Personal

[xionking]

Folks,

Now, I know some people here don't think much of me, and that's cool. So, to those people, just ignore this thread.

I'm struggling a fair bit to deal with my depression. Some of you may know that it hit me late last year, mid October, and I got on the anti-dez to help me out.

A week and a half ago, I stopped taking the anti-dez. The week and a half since has been a bit weird. I'm constantly feeling light-headed, I feel quite pessimistic about stuff. This is not like...how do I explain it? I don't feel like I have a ball on a chain attached to one of my ankles dragging me down, but I honestly really feel lost.

I stopped the anti-dez soley because I didn't want to become reliant on them. I hate not being in control of myself. And sometimes I'll feel like I'm just painting over the rust when I take this stuff.

This depression is turning me into a ****. Honestly, I feel so numb towards people that I just could not give a shit what they think of me. And it's unhealthy, because I should in one format or another be seeking some kind of approval so I can feel established and "belonging" within friendship groups, communities etc.

My depression started because of a break up with a girl, and I believed that once I moved on, I'd be ok. But it's fucking four months later, I've moved on, and it is becoming more of a concern to me that this depression seems to be going deeper. What should I do?

This is not a cry out for attention. This is me, just like how it's me in every post I write.

It's to the point now where Dad says to me, "Henry, you seem so lost at the moment," but instead of his trademark advice that he'll offer me, he can't offer anything. He doesn't know what to do. Mum doesn't know what to do. I'm being consumed by this shit, so much so, that I've stopped going to work. I've lost my enjoyment for life, and I've lost my spark. Anything that motivated me to better myself beforehand seems more like a hassle now, and I can see it quickly getting the best of me.

I've shut off close friends simply because I see them prosper and I stand still, trying to figure out why I can't get it together. Envy, jealousy, all those words come to mind. And I fucking hate it.

My eldest brother and I have always shared such a close relationship, but now, it could easily be mistaken that we are strangers.

I hate not being Henry anymore. And even moreso, I hate my parents not seeing Henry anymore. They see a stranger, and as each day passes we become more foreign from one another.

At 22, I can almost ask myself, "Is this all life has to offer me?"

Gay with aids.

-Xionking

 

[Tamia78]

Hey Henry,

I'm proud of you for admitting what you did publicly. It's always hard to admit when something is wrong. And you already know that it's not right for you to be this way. Kudos to you! Maybe you're ready to start getting help.

If you and your brother or even your parents are close, talk to them! That's what they probably want you to do. They wanna know why you've changed. They love you, simple as that.

I know you probably don't want to right now, but if you have some close friends, it's good to hang with them once in awhile. Make them get you out of the house and do something. Sometimes it a good thing.

Have you thought about counseling? If you are up to it, it sometimes helps if you aren't willing to talk to friends or family about it.

I'm sorry I don't have more to say about it, my minds drawing a blank right now. I will definitely write more as I think about it.

--T

 

[footetickle]

Wow!😱 Im not exactly sure what to say, I just wanted to let you know that I read your thread. I cant say that i know what your going through, but i hope that you can pull yourself out of it. Be strong! Im sure their are people in much worse positions in their life so just be grateful for what you have. I can sympathize with the whole depression thing. I went through a very hard ship at a young age. Good lucky maintaining buddy!

 

[venray]

Henry is still in there Mate....I see him and like him quite a bit....He shines through when you least expect it....

Hang in there and work it through piece by piece and you will be a better man for it...


You've already jumped in and taken the first step: Recognition of a problem..

Count on me and other friends to be there for you when you need us...

Ray

 

[Adam]

Henry is still in there Mate....I see him and like him quite a bit....He shines through when you least expect it....

Hang in there and work it through piece by piece and you will be a better man for it...


You've already jumped in and taken the first step: Recognition of a problem..

Count on me and other friends to be there for you when you need us...

Ray

I couldn't have said it any better. Henry, depression is a bitch. I have struggled with it since I was 15 years old and have been in a position very similar to yours more than once. But like Ray said, the first step is recognizing there's a problem. I also offer you my continued friendship during your time of uncertainty.

 

[tummytickler69]

howdy

I feel your pain brother.im where you are emotionally in regards to the depression . going off your meds will make you feel out of it the way you described, so get back on them. as for the break up with your gf , your gonna feel like shit for a while. hell it took me years to totally get over a gf so grieve and remember this motto "if theres one going out the front door have one coming in the back door" the good part about being hurt badly(for me anyway) is that ill never be hurt that bad again. i had a gf of 3 years that broke up with me and i said ok see ya later. not one tear shed. aonther thing that helps get some motivational tapes or cd's listening tho them will get the crap clouding your mind out and put something useful in. ebay has them for cheap. the thing to remember is the concept of women when your single is great theyre pretty, smell good,sex fantasies. once your in a relationship they suck(and not in the good way) they fart belch and shit just the way a man does,PLUS the added benefit of emotionality when shes riding the cotton pony once a month for a week or more. I hope this has helped you .Now remember 2 big things. 1.the reason god gave women pussies was so men would talk to them.2.If it wasnt for the sex, all men would be gay. think about it

 

[Deleted member 66627]

Henry,

Despite the fact that we seem to lock horns about everything but Metallica, I think you have serious potential to be a great guy. And I've seen it in small doses before. So I know it's there.

I hope that you can manage to get the help that you need to bounce back from this. You're still you, you're just a little lost right now. Keep on keeping on and I really do hope things get easier for you.

- Jo.

 

[footetickle]

I feel your pain brother.im where you are emotionally in regards to the depression . going off your meds will make you feel out of it the way you described, so get back on them. as for the break up with your gf , your gonna feel like shit for a while. hell it took me years to totally get over a gf so grieve and remember this motto "if theres one going out the front door have one coming in the back door" the good part about being hurt badly(for me anyway) is that ill never be hurt that bad again. i had a gf of 3 years that broke up with me and i said ok see ya later. not one tear shed. aonther thing that helps get some motivational tapes or cd's listening tho them will get the crap clouding your mind out and put something useful in. ebay has them for cheap. the thing to remember is the concept of women when your single is great theyre pretty, smell good,sex fantasies. once your in a relationship they suck(and not in the good way) they fart belch and shit just the way a man does,PLUS the added benefit of emotionality when shes riding the cotton pony once a month for a week or more. I hope this has helped you .Now remember 2 big things. 1.the reason god gave women pussies was so men would talk to them.2.If it wasnt for the sex, all men would be gay. think about it

Tummy your a funny guy! Those are two things i will remember and think about.

 

[girlboundforfun]

You are very brave to post this. I didn't talk about this, but recently, I went through somthing similar. That was part of the reason why I was gone for awhile. It was so hard. I agree with the counseling. I had to do that and it helped. What I can tell you is that it can be a long road. You will come through it and you will be amazed at what you survived when you look back. Sending good thoughts your way.

Evelyn

 

[CurtWild]

stay on your meds and/or talk to someone, whether it be a friend or a professional...

you'll be fine

 

[subtle_feather]

Let me start out by saying that I am very sympathetic to your plight. I wanted to say that first because for once, rather than ignoring a thread like this, I am going to give what I believe to be the proper advice. You may not like the advice.

I normally don't reply to threads where people air their personal problems because, frankly, I think it is a complete waste of time. So, let me try to prove myself wrong by writing something constructive.

First, you are talking to the wrong people about this. The TMF is a wonderful place full of caring people, but I guess that you haven't met any of them in real life and very few people here know you in any real sense. You should be talking to the people closest to you in your real life. I understand that it can be difficult when you don't feel like yourself, but the people who care about you most are the ones who will have the most patience and the greatest desire to help you.

Second, just cutting your medication on a whim is among the worst things you can do when you find yourself feeling especially bad. If you feel the medication is not working, you should be talking to the person who prescribed it. Sometimes a change in dosage or in type of medication can make a big difference. Conversely, just stopping your meds is very likely to further unbalance you. Talk to your doctor immediately.

Third, you didn't mention a therapist. If you don't have one, I strongly recommend that you find a psychologist. As you mentioned in your post, medication alone often will not eliminate the root cause of a major depression. Medication and therapy should go together. Therapy should be provided by someone who knows what they are doing, which brings me to my last point..

Fourth, and perhaps most important, you should not look to the TMF as a primary source of comfort. We all enjoy it here and I imagine there are people here who would quite like to get to know you and to help you to overcome your difficulties. Regardless, it is an inescapable fact that we are all just voices in the ether who really can't have any bearing on how you live your everyday life.

At best, some of the people here could guide you toward happiness, but at worst, you might expect too much from a group of relative strangers and find yourself disappointed. Focus on what you can do for yourself and the support of those around you.

You may think that this post is preachy, or feel that it doesn't apply to you. That's fine. I have found myself in your situation, and I thought I would give an honest try at helping.

Regards,
Subtle

 

[cabalist]

Like subtle_feather, I also normally don't reply to "personal" threads of this type, but I'm also making an exception in this case, although I'm not really sure why.

I've also been through somewhat extended periods of rather deep depression myself at least a couple of times, generally stemming from relationship issues, about which of course I won't go into any detail. But I'm going to both agree and disagree with subtle_feather's advice. I'm going to have to agree that finding someone to talk things out with is probably a good idea, also agreeing that there's likely ultimately relatively little to gain by doing so here, with people you don't know in real life. I'd suggest trying to get counseling with someone, even "shopping around" if necessary, if the first person you deal with doesn't seem to be helping after a reasonably fair trial, since I think getting "help" from the "wrong" therapist actually could do more harm than good in the long run.

I wish I could offer useful practical advice here about how to select a good therapist, but unfortunately offhand I don't know any simple rules of thumb on that, other than to "go with your gut", and if you just don't feel like you're getting anywhere, or feeling better, or feel much likelihood of doing so with a particular therapist, don't give up, but try to find another one and give him/her a chance. Just as people can be more or less compatible as friends, etc., I believe that some therapists just "work better" for some people than others and it may be necessary to try more than one if at first you don't feel like it's getting anywhere. Just don't use it as an excuse to give up, assuming that therapy "won't work", if you don't seem to be getting anywhere with the first one. They aren't all alike and some may well be more likely to be of help than others.

Otherwise, in all good conscience (and perhaps with some irony considering the relative stances we took in another recnt thread), I'm going to go against what seems to be the general advice in this thread on the issue in not recommending that you necessarily go back on your drugs, nor necessarily try to find "better" ones to replace them with. While I'm not going to say that they can't, or couldn't, help (and I've known several people taking such drugs for depression, although I've never done so myself, although I did "self-medicate" with alcohol for many years before finally giving it up), I've long been somewhat skeptical of the frequent prescription of drugs as a "quick fix", even a "band-aid", as it were, for underlying issues.

While I don't have the time to try to explain here all the reasons I've developed a skeptical attitude in this regard over a period of many years -- some based on various things I've read and some on "second hand personal experience", that is, seeing their effects on friends, etc. -- and not to turn this into another debate thread, but just to give some of the basis for my own "counter" stance on this issue, here are a couple of articles you could check out, not direct links to scientific studies like some of those posted in another recent thread, and I can't say I'm generally a big fan of Newsweek, but these article do give a pretty good overview of part (although not all) of the basis for my "skepticism" about drugs as a means of treating "personal" problems, so to speak:

http://www.blog.newsweek.com/blogs/...epressants-beware-the-file-drawer-effect.aspx

http://www.blog.newsweek.com/blogs/...02/25/depressing-news-on-antidepressants.aspx

Again, not to start a debate on the issue, but if only for the sake of offering some "balance" in the opinions, or suggestions, offered here.

 

[Excess]

Well then Sir Henry Motherfucker (sorry, been playing No More Heroes again XD. Stupid Henry on Hard mode and his shitload of HP...), I'd say what you should do is try and find something good in life again.

See, what I mean is that it sounds like you have lost a lot of faith in the good in the world, and more specifically, in where it can take your life. At least that's where I've been. And it sucks, it drains you, makes you cold, untrusting, and generally just negative. But when it really comes down to it, you can either just let it go on, take anti-depressives, which I'd say you don't want to rely on, or take a moment, look at exactly what it is that you don't like about your life, then think of a way to make it better. Then try everything possible to get on the road that leads there.

That's what I'm doing anyway, and I think it might be working. 😛

 

[The Fallen Angel]

best thing to do is to not pity yourself and dont think about it, as others have said look for the good in life it usually outweighs the bad

 

[Bugman]

I'm not qualified to give you advice obviously.I'll just say i've been where you are several times.If you just need to talk or vent about anything my pm box is always open.Good luck Henry.

 

[xionking]

Thanks for the kind words, people. You give me plenty to think about, and it reinforces my faith in the TMF community that I do love...well, most of the time anyway lol.

Tamia78 - I barely know you but you just know the right things to say to me for some reason. I try to talk to my parents, but there's just a brick wall there that can't be knocked down. It sucks, and my brother holds it against me that I tried Lsd, to the point that he almost considers it unforgivable. It's so immature, but I have to respect his stance on drugs. I wish he'd see that it hasn't changed who I am, and I'm still the same brother he had you know...six months ago or whatever.

Footetickle - Thanks for the positive words. Unfortunately, it is easy to get bogged down in the shit, and forget all of the beautiful things. Rest easy, I haven't forgotten all of the beautiful things, and I look forward to chatting with you when I'm able to share that same positivity you have.

Venray - I can always rely on you to say what I need to hear to make me feel better about myself. You know, I don't give you enough credit, but you really are a good person with the kindest of hearts. It just sucks we couldn't talk on blogradio the other day. Next time 'ey.

Adam - I can learn much from you. You seem like you've gotten shit out of those negative experiences, transferred that negativity and made good from it. I know you're there for me, man. Same goes big nose.

Tummytickler - I hear what your saying, I just don't this the meds are doing anything for me. I definately do feel a bit more positive when I'm on them, but in saying that, I totally just feel like it's painting the rust. I don't see an easy fix for this depression, so I think it's best that I face my problems without being reliant on something that will numbingly get me through each day. Girls are nuts, I know! But I can at least confidently say that whilst the break up brought on the depression, I've moved on from her.

Jo - Metallica's a good start though. ;-) Thanks for the kind words. I feel a little bit like how Hetfield describes in 'The Struggle Within', but just without that kick ass Hammett solo.

GirlsBoundForFun - Yeah, I saw a psycholigist for a while but he just told me what I pretty much already knew. Although, I do think it's good to have somebody to talk to who is separate from your normal group of friends, and it doesn't mean they have to be a councellor as such. I hope you are feeling better than you previously were, and continue to get better.

Cabalist - Thanks, man. You offer sound advice and have given me plenty to think about.

Motherfuckin' Excess - You sum it up perfectly, man. Down to the tee, my friend.

Trez - If you've experienced depression before, you'd see that it's not "pitying yourself". It is a total weight pulling you down every day convincing you that you suck, and that life sucks, and what once could've been a beautiful thing is now bland and lifeless.

Bugman - Cheers, Bud. You're a good man.

Thank you all!

-Xionking

 

[The Fallen Angel]

Trez - If you've experienced depression before, you'd see that it's not "pitying yourself". It is a total weight pulling you down every day convincing you that you suck, and that life sucks, and what once could've been a beautiful thing is now bland and lifeless.



-Xionking

didnt mean for it to come out as u r pittying urself, just saying dont that will only make it worse. i mean life sux at times but if u r sittin and focusing on it its just going to make u crazy

 

[Redmage]

Henry, it sounds as though you're sliding into something serious. I would recommend that you get back on the anti-depressants and into therapy. The anti-depressants can be a temporary measure, but only if you take steps to relieve the underlying issues. Depression can be life-threatening, and if you're not going into work it will at least get lifestyle-threatening very quickly. You need to start fighting back ASAP.

 

[draven]

I can also relate to ya henry!

As you can see from the responses your getting here henry, your definitly not alone on this, even though at times it may feel that way. so many people struggle with some form of depression in there lives. I myself am just starting to regain my 'balance' from an emotional hit i took a couple of months back. like you, it had to do with a girl. something i learned during this paticular episode is the need to avoid isolation and solitude. forming new friendships, and becoming more social can really give ya a stronger sense of distance from what you struggle with. All i can really offer ya is such a friendship. if ya ever wanna chat, drop me a PM. One day at a time henry, just one day at a time.

 

[Bohemianne]

While I don't know you personally, I have researched stuff about depressed people. Something more significant compelled me to reply:

1. Sometime, you wrote a thread about justifying suicide
2. I had the chance to talk to 2 suicide survivors in real life

I was supposed to let this pass by, except that based on my research, postings like this is a symptom of a deeper problem or a very immediate cry for serious help. It could be deeply rooted. Other people are too happy not to notice. Others may think this is just a waste.

This is just to tell you that when I talked to the 2 people who recounted their successful suicides, one permanently damaged a throat for drinking salicylic acid, and the other survived just fine but had bad rebounds after. They all told me that in one instance, they blacked out. They simply want to end it all. The least they want to ask for help is a loved one.

When no one on earth can see you unintentionally during the worst time and everything is dark, there is a spark that made you remember some friends at this community, to express a depressed feeling. It could have saved you indirectly. It's all enough to keep you going. I am not your friend in any way. Nevermind... Release the pain. If this is the only way to accompany you with the worst, then I am posting here to let you know that I listened by reading page 1 (your post), and that I have learned something from your story as an eye-opener.

 

[venray]

Looking forward to talking with you soon, Mate...In the meantime you know my PM box is always open to you...

 

[xionking]

Thanks peeps.

-Xionking

 

[chicago]

Something Personal:
Two days after Christmas 2006 I tried to kill myself. I swallowed a family sized bottle of ibuprofen. At the time, my mom was off her bipolar meds, threatening to throw me and my little sisters out on the street, my dad who'd been gone for 16 years appeared near death in a hospital and I had to make decisions about his medical welfare, my boyfriend at the time was cheating on me, I was not doing well in school, and the stress and pressure was pushing me towards a mental breakdown. So I know about depression and shrinks and antidepressants. I know about feeling numb, and not wanting friends, and not being able to recognize yourself save for the occasional glance in the mirror. I know about self-mutliation and self-medication. I know what it's like to worry about how tiny green pills dictate your life. Despite some thinking I'm nothing but a spoiled brat that gets everything handed to her. I know more than I'd like and I've seen more than I wish I had. Not trying to seek sympathy, not at all. It's not very easy to admit this stuff, but it seems a lot of people feel alone, and nothing could be further from the truth.

Getting out of depression is not easy. There is no magic pill that cures it although they can help clear your head so you can focus on getting better. It's got to be a combination of many different things. I had to make some major life changes to feel better and not like the world was suffocating me at every moment. I had an anxiety disorder probably on top of being depressed and it is the oddest thing to be afraid to leave the comfort of your room and yet knowing that you have to. At times, the littlest tasks seemed monumental, and getting through the day was an achievement. Shit, getting out of bed to take a fucking shower was an achievement. You can't do anything other than take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time, at least for me, because I was constantly feeling overwhelmed.

The worst thing you can do when you're in this situation, is to wallow. It's easy to do, it's easy to get stuck in your head, in your room, and shut people out. If you want to stop feeling this way, you have to make the effort to try to get out, to try to hang out with friends and get your mind off of all the bullshit. And if something doesn't work? Try something else. It's not easy at all and getting swept up in feeling helpless will not get you anywhere, unfortunately.

 

[kis123]

the thing to remember is the concept of women when your single is great theyre pretty, smell good,sex fantasies. once your in a relationship they suck(and not in the good way) they fart belch and shit just the way a man does,PLUS the added benefit of emotionality when shes riding the cotton pony once a month for a week or more. I hope this has helped you .Now remember 2 big things. 1.the reason god gave women pussies was so men would talk to them.2.If it wasnt for the sex, all men would be gay. think about it

Riding the cotton pony?? How eloquent!

If I told you what I really felt about this "sage advice" it would derail the entire thread! So let me just say that if this is truly your attitude towards women, maybe you should give men a try and spare some poor soul down the road.

Xionking;

I now know what has been going on with your posting as of late; your OP has explained a lot. As someone who has and is dealing with depression, I know what you're going through. I've lost two jobs over it so I really have been there and done that!

You have to go back on your meds asap-there is no other option and nothing else is going to work out for you until you do. I am NOT a doctor but I know what happens to someone when they go off their medications. I've done it and my son who is autistic with mood disorders has done it. The consequences are really ugly, trust me.

Sometimes we think the meds aren't working and we can do just fine without them. The truth is we are chemically imbalanced and the meds help. If you feel they aren't working anymore for you, then you try other combinations until you feel balanced again.

If you had cancer or some other disease, would you stop taking medications simply because you're feeling better or don't think they're working? Certainly you wouldn't! Dealing with depression is no different than dealing with any other disease; it's chemical imbalance being brought back to balance. If you look at it that way, maybe you'll stick to your meds because they could save your life if you take them and let them do the job they were designed to do.

 

[cabalist]

Xionking;

I now know what has been going on with your posting as of late; your OP has explained a lot. As someone who has and is dealing with depression, I know what you're going through. I've lost two jobs over it so I really have been there and done that!

You have to go back on your meds asap-there is no other option and nothing else is going to work out for you until you do. I am NOT a doctor but I know what happens to someone when they go off their medications. I've done it and my son who is autistic with mood disorders has done it. The consequences are really ugly, trust me.

Sometimes we think the meds aren't working and we can do just fine without them. The truth is we are chemically imbalanced and the meds help. If you feel they aren't working anymore for you, then you try other combinations until you feel balanced again.

If you had cancer or some other disease, would you stop taking medications simply because you're feeling better or don't think they're working? Certainly you wouldn't! Dealing with depression is no different than dealing with any other disease; it's chemical imbalance being brought back to balance. If you look at it that way, maybe you'll stick to your meds because they could save your life if you take them and let them do the job they were designed to do.

While I don't claim to be an expert on the subject, since I'm not sure I get the impression that you are either, aside from your limited personal experience, I think some compelling arguments have been made that some drugs can cause a "chemical imbalance" in the name of "curing" one. While I haven't read much about this in detail lately, I do think it's painting with a somewhat broad brush to assume that all such drugs are always "good" and that none of them could possibly ultimately do any harm.

Personally, I haven't been fully convinced of the common "chemical imbalance" explanation for so-called "mental illnesses" -- not all of which are the same, and some of which have had less than a sound scientific basis for their diagnosis in my opinion -- and according to some experts in the field. While no one knows your personal experience better than yourself, it's also possible to overgeneralize to everyone based on your own experience. In fact, some very bad side effects have been associated with some of these "mood altering" drugs, including some people attributing them as a cause of depression leading to suicide and other less than fully "positive" behaviors. (While I can't prove an association with the drug, and I can't even recall which one he was on, I personally knew someone who "successfully" committed suicide while "obediently taking his drugs".)

Since so-called mental illness isn't cancer, your analogy to cancer medication isn't necessarily valid. Dealing with different "illnesses" certainly is "different". Since they're not all "the same", the same considerations don't necessarily always apply. (Although I know that doctors themselves may often make the same, IMO fallacious, argument.)