Texts From Last Night

[Skipadeedoodah]

I can't get enough. Share the beautiful, wonderful, marvelous gems you find within.

(408): She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
(717): I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...


(310): When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth


(313): you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser


(610): There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.


(304): Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.


(612): and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.


(864): her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes


(914): She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.


(920): dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
(1-920): no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
(920): he wasn't. neither were you.

 

[Angel77]

Haha! I love that site!

 

[Dawes]

My absolute favorite:

(519):
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

 

[Cave In]

My absolute favorite:

(519):
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

That has had me in hysterics!

 

[vladtickleman22]

(860): I just woke up and there were several one dollar bills in my undies and there's an unconscious asian man on the floor. What the fuck did we do last night?

This one is extra funny because my neighbor is dating an asian dude.

 

[BrightEyes1082]

(626): you didnt know i had herpes?

(480): she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.

(727): Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?

(519): wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant

(513): corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing

(310): once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there

(850): so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".

 

[The Fallen Angel]

(630):
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

(901):
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.

(907):
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea

(270):
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."

(1-270):
Does God suck his dick?

(612):
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.


(775):
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.

(217): View more from Illinois
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217):
Don't worry about it.

(704):
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.


(864):
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

(253):
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253):
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253):
no more ever clear

(765):
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.


(443):
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.

\
(661):
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951):
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661):
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

(928):
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

(831):
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
(419):
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937):
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419):
Is that considered a cock block


and my favorite



(616):
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning

 

[QueenMari]

(214):

dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!

(815):

Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here

(203):

I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

(903):

pop tarts are not kleenex

(978):

ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have

(631):

if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you

(850):

hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.

(913):

Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
(1-913):

What?!
(913):

Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!

(513):

Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.

(507):

i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.

(703):

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
(1-703):

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
(416):

Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.

(708):

you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!

(858):

Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?

(937):

I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
(1-937):

I see you've learned your lesson.

(416):

don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends

(631):

My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud

(618):

Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again

(250):

is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?

(937):

my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.

(603):

you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway

(214):

You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
(586):

you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway

(765):

I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

(607):

he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
(970):

just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
(407):

he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
(407):

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
(972):

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

(405):

you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
(705):

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
(404):

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
(317):

he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....

 

[Bugman]

Excuse me while I stick my head in the oven and turn on the gas..