The Bad Advice Thread

[Headsnap]

A place to post any and all stupid hints, tips and advice you've ever heard or received. I'll start with some animal related gems I have seen in various places;

- "If a bear is upon you, fight back! You will have a higher chance of surviving if you do" That is assuming the bear doesn't take exception to being swatted about the head and maul you harder. Or hasn't already killed you.

- "If a shark/ big cat attacks you, punch it in the eye". See above.

- "If accosted by a pack of wolves, single out the biggest one and attack it as ferociously as you can". What? What?! Why?!? How would assaulting the largest member of a pack of very large predators possibly help your cause?!

- "If charged by a horned animal such as a deer or a bull, stand still and move aside at the last possible second". You do that; I'm running for it

- "WARNING! Cobra is a dangerous snake! If encountered do not attempt to pick it up or hit it with a stick!" Would you believe that people need to be told this? :-S

- "Do not get between a hippopotamus and water". I don't much fancy getting between a hippo and anything if I'm honest.

 

[Capnmad]

In a kitchen: "Those 'expiration dates' are only approximations."

...and...

"As long as you nuke it, it's safe to eat. Radiation kills everything." --Frankly, I have no interest in being the hapless guinea pig forced to fight what, to everyone's surprise, on that one occasion, radiation doesn't kill.


At a rodeo: "Bulls have a lot of forward momentum, and not a great steering radius. It's better to be agile and dodge than to try to run from it." --...howzabout I not get into the ring with the bull to begin with? I think that sound judgement would be better than agility and ability to run put together.


When a friend came over to my house when I was a kid -- something like: "Everyone's got mouthwash... Alcohol's alcohol." --I wonder how blind he is now...


In almost every shark documentary, some semblance of: "Sharks are ordinarily docile creatures who, unlike they've been depicted in the movies, have practically no interest in attacking humans whatsoever." --...thought the surfer, to comfort himself in the shark-infested waters, as paddling about on his surfboard, he unwittingly did the best impression of a wounded seal humanly possible.


On practically every wildlife doc about bears: "If confronted by a bear, you want to look large and intimidating, so stand up straight, raise your arms, and make a lot of noise. This way..." --...if the bear didn't see you at first, it now knows you're there. And you've made available every vital organ and artery for easy access! Plus, unless you're of impressive girth or happen to be wearing a cape or a poncho, you probably resemble a loud, obnoxious walking stick.


What probably would have been on Steve Irwin's segment on sting rays: "Sting rays are beautiful and peaceful creatures..."

 

[ovrec]

If lava is coming, just "duck and cover". Okay it's not real, but it falls under bad advice

 

[Wildtime]

Trust me, I know what I'm doing...

- "If charged by a horned animal such as a deer or a bull, stand still and move aside at the last possible second".

Actually, that worked for me in Northern Alberta. I was face to face with a moose when my dog decided to confront it. Being the larger target, thus the larger threat, the moose charged. I side-stepped (albeit in a frantic and non-heroic fashion, I will admit) behind a tree and kept the tree between me and the moose. My dog chased off the moose, but I attribute my survival to that one action.

My contribution to the worst advice offered to me:

"You should go with HD DVD, it's gonna bury Blu-Ray"​

 

[Stugots]

"Be Yourself."

- this is usually the response given to people (from people who are just as clueless) when they ask for help or some direction. It's the most careless response, but it's subtle and somehow people manage to follow that advice and wonder why they still have problems.



"Don't talk to strangers."

- advice given to children from parents, teachers, and other miserable authority figures that don't know how to make friends. This advice is raising lots of introverts and is responsible for starting social anxieties.



When a tickling company markets its clip by rating it the best ever and stating shit like... "You have to see this because it's the most ticklish girl!"

- what they made is a dud, but they have to make some money off it.

 

[Dussicar]

"You can say and do what eeeeeever you want to a cop as long as you call him sir at the end."

 

[Camble]

I did a parachute jump for charity last year and some prat told me that if both my main and reserve chute failed, to to spread my arms and legs out as wide as i can as this will slow me down!!......Oh yes of course it will, what from 120mph to zero in a matter of seconds?, hmmm I think the laws according to "Saint Gravity" come into force here and would prevent this from happening

 

[milagros317]

Very bad advice in many cirucumstances: Everybody else is doing it, don't be a fool. Do it, too.