c7_assassin
3rd Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2007
- Messages
- 8,703
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Let's face facts: none of us are safe. Right now we're dealing with angry al-Quaida ghosts, Casey Anthony, and several species of animal we haven't yet managed to drive into extinction. The world is fucking scary.
And I think this explains why we as a society have decided to just go retarded and hope the world will feel bad about hurting us. Let me give you an example of what I mean: the other day I saw a vendor selling self-defense supplies for women. These were small, black tubes; I thought he was selling mace. Upon closer inspection, I realized it wasn't a weapon at all; he was selling tiny bottles of phosphorescent spray which also emitted a high pitched squeal when triggered. The idea being to spray your attacker, and then he's marked for when the cops find him, summoned by the squealing. Actually, finding him should be pretty easy, since there will now be a trail of phosphorescent footprints leading away from your raped and mutilated corpse for them to follow. This asshole thought he was helping.
Personally, I blame pop culture. For years it's been propagating wildly suicidal myths about combat, and it's led us to a place where our toddlers don't even know which species of snake it's okay to rassle or where the kidneys are on a badger.
So in the interest of public service, here are a few fighting tips you all need to remember if you're interested in not being murdered by monsters in 2012:
1) Combat is all about aggression.
(As not seen in The Karate Kid, Star Wars)
You'd think this would be obvious, but in a world where Lady Gaga is a thing, I guess nothing is obvious, so let me spell it out: all other things being equal, the fight will always go to the guy who's angrier, because he will be fighting harder.
Bloodlust gets a bad rap these days. I know Yoda warned Luke against using the Dark Side of the Force, but consider that he spoke those words while he had a man's entire arm up his ass: it's pretty obvious Yoda didn't know shit about fighting. In real life, they teach soldiers how to maximize and unleash their aggression, because restraint does not win wars. When a fight starts, you're brain floods your body with adrenaline, and you need to make a snap decision to flee or fight. But when you've got Rage, brother, that decision's already been made.
Pretty much the stupidest example of this principle not being followed is Karate Kid. Daniel Laruso is forty pounds lighter than every fighter he has to face, and he definitely knows it. He goes into combat with an expression of sheer panic on his face while every screaming motherfucker from Kobra Kai does their best to murder him. His strategy is to absorb several devastating blows to his vital organs before delivering a quick feathertap that would barely stun a fruitfly, and winning based on 'points.' It's a classic matchup of Rage vs. Pussifaction, and Pussifaction wins. In reality, it would take more than one body bag to pick up all the pieces of Daniel scattered around Hill Valley after that tournament.
When you're going into combat, you need to look your opponent right in the eyes, and decide that you want to see what his insides looks like. If he's got any goddamn sense, he'll run. And dammit, you'll follow, because fuck him he's getting away!
2) Damage is a product of sheer force.
(As not seen in Kill Bill, Assassins)
I hear a lot of hilarious talk about 'pressure points' these days, usually from ladies who want to prove to me how much they know about martial arts. I hate to burst your bubble, Charlie's Angel, but pressure points are utter bullshit. Yes, if you put your hands like so, and so, and twist like so, you can hurt your opponent. You know what else can hurt even more? Hitting him literally anywhere. The concept of pressure points was invented because some misogynist decided it was cheaper to senselessly endanger female cops and security guards than it was to get sued for sexist hiring practices.
Ninety percent of fighting comes down to being bigger and stronger than your opponent. Yes, there are ways to tip the odds, but not by much, and not for long. The idea that a ninety pound woman or a tiny old man could actually stand toe-to-toe with an army of berserkers and come out on top is probably the dumbest idea of our time. Quentin Tarantino did an awful lot to further this myth with the Kill Bill franchise, and that's just proof that Quentin Tarantino is actively trying to get you raped. If you're ever in a fight with someone bigger than you, you have to hit him where his body is weakest (knees, throat, balls) with the parts of your body that can deliver the most force (fists, feet, elbows), and you have to do it before he's able to do literally anything to you. He's in control. Nature gave him that advantage, because Nature hates you even more than Quentin Tarantino.
Related to the tiny-but-powerful myth is the old twist-to-break-neck myth that gets trotted out in action movies all the time. Fight choreographers want us to believe the human body comes with a magic off switch that you can trigger by gently sweeping the head from one side to the other. Hell, in the movie Assassins, we see Antonio Bandaras do this to a guy with one hand. I'll let you in on a retarded secret: killing a man with your bare hands is harder than that. There is a way to snap necks, and I'm not going to teach it to you, but basically it involves bringing a titanic amount of force to the necessary vertebrae. Like everything else associated with violence, being big and mean is more important than perfect technique. Fighting is not dancing, people. If the guy you're fighting looks like he can cave in your head, that's because he can.
3) Hitting first is the entire battle.
(As not seen in every action movie except Radiers of the Lost Ark)
A wise man once said "Face-punch speed beats wax-off speed ten times out of ten." If you're up against somebody who knows anything about fighting at all, one punch is all he needs to completely rearrange your memories, and waiting for that punch is a great way to find out what that feels like. In any fight, the attacker has the natural advantage. So if you want to give yourself a statistical edge, you need to be that attacker.
The perfect (and only) example of this principle actually being applied in film is Indiana Jones. Watch this clip and see if you can spot what the fancy-pants swordsman did wrong in this fight, and what Indiana Jones did ever so fucking right:
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If you answered "Waiting to get shot" and "Shooting first," congratulations, you've figured out everything you'll ever need to know about combat. Also you're now qualified to advise the White House on Middle Eastern policy.
You might worry that this "strike first" strategy will put you on the wrong side of the law if you have to go to court to explain your actions. Yes, it might; we live in a world run by unimaginable pussies. But keep in mind that we also live in a world where a woman can cut off her husband's junk in his sleep and plead self-defense, so in a court of law anything is possible. More to the point, you have to be alive to be arrested, so technically you're winning either way.
Which brings me nicely to my last point:
4) Avoid combat whenever possible.
If these laws of combat I've spelled out seem terrifying and dangerous, that's because fighting is terrifying and dangerous. When you lock horns with a man, you have no way of knowing whether he's carrying a blade, whether his friends are standing right behind you, or whether he's secretly a Terminator. Not knowing those things can get you seriously killed (especially the Terminator thing). Unless you're ready to take that chance, or you're forced to take that chance, you need to steer clear of fights. Because even if you decided to play nice and not hit first, not hit the balls, not punch your opponent if blood starts pumping from his ears, he won't give you that courtesy. So you can't either.
A great way to predict whether a soldier will get PTSD is whether he's had to unleash his training in an upclose way on the enemy. Fighting is brutal and it can psychologically scar you even if you win. Because to fight effectively, you need to become a homicidal, rage-fuelled fucking maniac. And when you get right down to it, that's a pretty awful way to be, and it's a pretty awful way to feel. So whatever you do, don't start down that path lightly.
At least until after 2012.
And I think this explains why we as a society have decided to just go retarded and hope the world will feel bad about hurting us. Let me give you an example of what I mean: the other day I saw a vendor selling self-defense supplies for women. These were small, black tubes; I thought he was selling mace. Upon closer inspection, I realized it wasn't a weapon at all; he was selling tiny bottles of phosphorescent spray which also emitted a high pitched squeal when triggered. The idea being to spray your attacker, and then he's marked for when the cops find him, summoned by the squealing. Actually, finding him should be pretty easy, since there will now be a trail of phosphorescent footprints leading away from your raped and mutilated corpse for them to follow. This asshole thought he was helping.
Personally, I blame pop culture. For years it's been propagating wildly suicidal myths about combat, and it's led us to a place where our toddlers don't even know which species of snake it's okay to rassle or where the kidneys are on a badger.
So in the interest of public service, here are a few fighting tips you all need to remember if you're interested in not being murdered by monsters in 2012:
1) Combat is all about aggression.
(As not seen in The Karate Kid, Star Wars)
You'd think this would be obvious, but in a world where Lady Gaga is a thing, I guess nothing is obvious, so let me spell it out: all other things being equal, the fight will always go to the guy who's angrier, because he will be fighting harder.
Bloodlust gets a bad rap these days. I know Yoda warned Luke against using the Dark Side of the Force, but consider that he spoke those words while he had a man's entire arm up his ass: it's pretty obvious Yoda didn't know shit about fighting. In real life, they teach soldiers how to maximize and unleash their aggression, because restraint does not win wars. When a fight starts, you're brain floods your body with adrenaline, and you need to make a snap decision to flee or fight. But when you've got Rage, brother, that decision's already been made.
Pretty much the stupidest example of this principle not being followed is Karate Kid. Daniel Laruso is forty pounds lighter than every fighter he has to face, and he definitely knows it. He goes into combat with an expression of sheer panic on his face while every screaming motherfucker from Kobra Kai does their best to murder him. His strategy is to absorb several devastating blows to his vital organs before delivering a quick feathertap that would barely stun a fruitfly, and winning based on 'points.' It's a classic matchup of Rage vs. Pussifaction, and Pussifaction wins. In reality, it would take more than one body bag to pick up all the pieces of Daniel scattered around Hill Valley after that tournament.
When you're going into combat, you need to look your opponent right in the eyes, and decide that you want to see what his insides looks like. If he's got any goddamn sense, he'll run. And dammit, you'll follow, because fuck him he's getting away!
2) Damage is a product of sheer force.
(As not seen in Kill Bill, Assassins)
I hear a lot of hilarious talk about 'pressure points' these days, usually from ladies who want to prove to me how much they know about martial arts. I hate to burst your bubble, Charlie's Angel, but pressure points are utter bullshit. Yes, if you put your hands like so, and so, and twist like so, you can hurt your opponent. You know what else can hurt even more? Hitting him literally anywhere. The concept of pressure points was invented because some misogynist decided it was cheaper to senselessly endanger female cops and security guards than it was to get sued for sexist hiring practices.
Ninety percent of fighting comes down to being bigger and stronger than your opponent. Yes, there are ways to tip the odds, but not by much, and not for long. The idea that a ninety pound woman or a tiny old man could actually stand toe-to-toe with an army of berserkers and come out on top is probably the dumbest idea of our time. Quentin Tarantino did an awful lot to further this myth with the Kill Bill franchise, and that's just proof that Quentin Tarantino is actively trying to get you raped. If you're ever in a fight with someone bigger than you, you have to hit him where his body is weakest (knees, throat, balls) with the parts of your body that can deliver the most force (fists, feet, elbows), and you have to do it before he's able to do literally anything to you. He's in control. Nature gave him that advantage, because Nature hates you even more than Quentin Tarantino.
Related to the tiny-but-powerful myth is the old twist-to-break-neck myth that gets trotted out in action movies all the time. Fight choreographers want us to believe the human body comes with a magic off switch that you can trigger by gently sweeping the head from one side to the other. Hell, in the movie Assassins, we see Antonio Bandaras do this to a guy with one hand. I'll let you in on a retarded secret: killing a man with your bare hands is harder than that. There is a way to snap necks, and I'm not going to teach it to you, but basically it involves bringing a titanic amount of force to the necessary vertebrae. Like everything else associated with violence, being big and mean is more important than perfect technique. Fighting is not dancing, people. If the guy you're fighting looks like he can cave in your head, that's because he can.
3) Hitting first is the entire battle.
(As not seen in every action movie except Radiers of the Lost Ark)
A wise man once said "Face-punch speed beats wax-off speed ten times out of ten." If you're up against somebody who knows anything about fighting at all, one punch is all he needs to completely rearrange your memories, and waiting for that punch is a great way to find out what that feels like. In any fight, the attacker has the natural advantage. So if you want to give yourself a statistical edge, you need to be that attacker.
The perfect (and only) example of this principle actually being applied in film is Indiana Jones. Watch this clip and see if you can spot what the fancy-pants swordsman did wrong in this fight, and what Indiana Jones did ever so fucking right:
<object width="420" height="315"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/GkLXdLgOybE?version=3&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/GkLXdLgOybE?version=3&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="420" height="315" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object>
If you answered "Waiting to get shot" and "Shooting first," congratulations, you've figured out everything you'll ever need to know about combat. Also you're now qualified to advise the White House on Middle Eastern policy.
You might worry that this "strike first" strategy will put you on the wrong side of the law if you have to go to court to explain your actions. Yes, it might; we live in a world run by unimaginable pussies. But keep in mind that we also live in a world where a woman can cut off her husband's junk in his sleep and plead self-defense, so in a court of law anything is possible. More to the point, you have to be alive to be arrested, so technically you're winning either way.
Which brings me nicely to my last point:
4) Avoid combat whenever possible.
If these laws of combat I've spelled out seem terrifying and dangerous, that's because fighting is terrifying and dangerous. When you lock horns with a man, you have no way of knowing whether he's carrying a blade, whether his friends are standing right behind you, or whether he's secretly a Terminator. Not knowing those things can get you seriously killed (especially the Terminator thing). Unless you're ready to take that chance, or you're forced to take that chance, you need to steer clear of fights. Because even if you decided to play nice and not hit first, not hit the balls, not punch your opponent if blood starts pumping from his ears, he won't give you that courtesy. So you can't either.
A great way to predict whether a soldier will get PTSD is whether he's had to unleash his training in an upclose way on the enemy. Fighting is brutal and it can psychologically scar you even if you win. Because to fight effectively, you need to become a homicidal, rage-fuelled fucking maniac. And when you get right down to it, that's a pretty awful way to be, and it's a pretty awful way to feel. So whatever you do, don't start down that path lightly.
At least until after 2012.
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