THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2004:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]
Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris
around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]
Miners Refuse
to Work
after Death
[those good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope
for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]
Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple
Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity
Looks for Larger
Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame
for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make
Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken!]
Chef Throws His Heart
into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]
Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued
! by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery: Hundreds Dead
[nuff said!]
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]
Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris
around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]
Miners Refuse
to Work
after Death
[those good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope
for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]
Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple
Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity
Looks for Larger
Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame
for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make
Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken!]
Chef Throws His Heart
into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]
Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued
! by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery: Hundreds Dead
[nuff said!]
