A man walks into his doctors office.
Patient: Doctor, doctor, i need help. Evertime I open my mouth I start singing Tom Jones songs. What do you think?
Doctor: Don't be worried. Its not unusual.
Another
Patient: Doctor i've got a stearing wheel attached to my groin!
Doctor: Is it painful?
Patient: Not really. But its driving me nuts!
Another,
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
Another, if predictable one
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Another
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you’re drunk."
Another
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
Another
A man goes to collect his wife's medical test results. He walks into the medical practice and approaches the receptionist.
Man: Hello. I'm here for my wife's test results.
Receptionist: Ok, what name is it please?
Man: Its Mrs Smith
Receptionist: Ok, <she then goes away, rummages through some files and comes back a minute later>. I'm afraid i've got a bit of a problem. We've got results for two Mrs Smiths and I don't know which is which.
Man: Well, can't you just let me know the two possibilities.
Receptionist: Well, she either has Alzheimers or is HIV positive.
The man is clearly distraight
Man: Dear God! What should I do
Receptionist: Well, i've just asked the doctor and he suggests you drive your wife five miles out of town and then leave her there. If she returns home, don't shag her!
