Unitarians Deify Unions
By Michael Frank
BOSTON, MASS.. — The Unitarian-Universalist Association announced today that, "From this day unto eternity, any act between two beings resulting in orgasm is hereby recognized as a legitimate Epiphany of truth, love, beauty, spirituality, and so on." And, in what appeared to be a preemptive cultural strike, the church further declared, "All else is, by definition, recognized as disingenuous, dangerous, and, well, frankly, evil."
The Association said it would sanction, and aggressively promote, "all spiritual unions including, but not limited to, gays and lesbians, humans and 'animals', the quick and the dead, and between adults and children bearing notes from ACLU chapter presidents."
The Reverend Douglas Perkiness, of the Association's Office of Cosmic Concerns, (who says his relationship with his antelope wife is "admittedly an on again/off again affair") lauded the decision as "an important affirmation -- finally! -- of the inherent right of all beings to do whatever they want with their orifices: "Now think about it, if an intimate -- and loving -- exchange of bodily fluids cannot be sacralized on some level, I really see no hope for our species. It would truly, I believe, be the end of the world; or, at the very least, the demise of spirituality as we have come to know it."
The Association's president, the Reverend Eileen Angstrom, (who says her personal favorite is the interspecies union) says she believes it is
important to honor the commitment that two beings may make to one another's organs in a ceremony that has real spiritual significance.
"The orgasm, of course, transcends time and space," she reflected, "as such it is quintessentially spiritual. And I really don't think we need
politicians and bureaucrats passing judgment on our spirituality, do we?
The fact that the majority of these unions have no legal validity delights the Unitarians.
"I mean, for Pete's sakes," said Barbara Peterson, the Association's vice chair for Doctrine and Facilitation, "we do have basic rights, you know. Hello?! So tell me exactly when and where is it a valid function of law to prevent any truth, any beauty, any, well anything that two creatures in love like to do? I mean like really, is not beauty truth and truth -- we're talking real truth now -- mockery? I mean, hello?! Maybe even true holiness, if one may be so bold? Wake up, folks! Ah, just think how delightfully delicious it all would be."
Spokesbeing Alarm Hart, minister of the First Bipartisan Co-op of Boston, said Unitarians are merely trying to draw attention to, and thus
hopefully remove, some of the injustices which inevitably seem to inhabit such things as what are commonly known as common sense and decency: "If an institution which calls itself a church can't even can't even sacralize the loving exchange of fluids between two intelligent who have
grown to love one another's fluids and their exchanges ... It would, I believe, be truly the end of the world, or at the very least, of tolerance as
we have come to know and love it. I mean, think about it, where does anyone who marries a fat, stupid white woman get off thinking they have the right, or the brains for that matter, to pass judgment on anyone else's taste in anything? Especially my worship! Can you see what we're saying?"
Sherril Kaia, Chairbeing of the Association's Office of Yin and Yang Concerns, said, "May I be blunt? We are talking pure evil here, make no
mistake about it. We are talking an evil so profound that it is virtually palpable to the senses. What we are talking here is allowing career
bureaucrats to regulate my love, my commitments, my inner holiness. I mean, give me a break! But now check this out! You see, we know that each generation has its own Spanish Inquisition, its own Holocaust, its own well ... whatever. You name it. Do you see what I mean? And now our Association is staring straight into the face of ours. Do you see what I mean? Now fortunately our Orgasm is Scared Initiative is uniquely positioned in our generation to stop this nonsense. Or else ... it is truly ... the end ... of the world! And woe, woe unto all humans and little humans in furry coats! I ... I ... I cannot bear it!"
By Michael Frank
BOSTON, MASS.. — The Unitarian-Universalist Association announced today that, "From this day unto eternity, any act between two beings resulting in orgasm is hereby recognized as a legitimate Epiphany of truth, love, beauty, spirituality, and so on." And, in what appeared to be a preemptive cultural strike, the church further declared, "All else is, by definition, recognized as disingenuous, dangerous, and, well, frankly, evil."
The Association said it would sanction, and aggressively promote, "all spiritual unions including, but not limited to, gays and lesbians, humans and 'animals', the quick and the dead, and between adults and children bearing notes from ACLU chapter presidents."
The Reverend Douglas Perkiness, of the Association's Office of Cosmic Concerns, (who says his relationship with his antelope wife is "admittedly an on again/off again affair") lauded the decision as "an important affirmation -- finally! -- of the inherent right of all beings to do whatever they want with their orifices: "Now think about it, if an intimate -- and loving -- exchange of bodily fluids cannot be sacralized on some level, I really see no hope for our species. It would truly, I believe, be the end of the world; or, at the very least, the demise of spirituality as we have come to know it."
The Association's president, the Reverend Eileen Angstrom, (who says her personal favorite is the interspecies union) says she believes it is
important to honor the commitment that two beings may make to one another's organs in a ceremony that has real spiritual significance.
"The orgasm, of course, transcends time and space," she reflected, "as such it is quintessentially spiritual. And I really don't think we need
politicians and bureaucrats passing judgment on our spirituality, do we?
The fact that the majority of these unions have no legal validity delights the Unitarians.
"I mean, for Pete's sakes," said Barbara Peterson, the Association's vice chair for Doctrine and Facilitation, "we do have basic rights, you know. Hello?! So tell me exactly when and where is it a valid function of law to prevent any truth, any beauty, any, well anything that two creatures in love like to do? I mean like really, is not beauty truth and truth -- we're talking real truth now -- mockery? I mean, hello?! Maybe even true holiness, if one may be so bold? Wake up, folks! Ah, just think how delightfully delicious it all would be."
Spokesbeing Alarm Hart, minister of the First Bipartisan Co-op of Boston, said Unitarians are merely trying to draw attention to, and thus
hopefully remove, some of the injustices which inevitably seem to inhabit such things as what are commonly known as common sense and decency: "If an institution which calls itself a church can't even can't even sacralize the loving exchange of fluids between two intelligent who have
grown to love one another's fluids and their exchanges ... It would, I believe, be truly the end of the world, or at the very least, of tolerance as
we have come to know and love it. I mean, think about it, where does anyone who marries a fat, stupid white woman get off thinking they have the right, or the brains for that matter, to pass judgment on anyone else's taste in anything? Especially my worship! Can you see what we're saying?"
Sherril Kaia, Chairbeing of the Association's Office of Yin and Yang Concerns, said, "May I be blunt? We are talking pure evil here, make no
mistake about it. We are talking an evil so profound that it is virtually palpable to the senses. What we are talking here is allowing career
bureaucrats to regulate my love, my commitments, my inner holiness. I mean, give me a break! But now check this out! You see, we know that each generation has its own Spanish Inquisition, its own Holocaust, its own well ... whatever. You name it. Do you see what I mean? And now our Association is staring straight into the face of ours. Do you see what I mean? Now fortunately our Orgasm is Scared Initiative is uniquely positioned in our generation to stop this nonsense. Or else ... it is truly ... the end ... of the world! And woe, woe unto all humans and little humans in furry coats! I ... I ... I cannot bear it!"
