Utterly fucking confused.

[Deleted member 66627]

I was talking to a close friend of mine about this last night and figured I'd branch out to you guys to see if any of you have any input.


-- I've interacted in a lot of scenes both playful and serious and have been realizing that I am fighting with feelings of wanting to Top the person I am Bottoming to, only if I know for a fact that I can. If the person who is Topping me clearly is showing signs of having more over me whether it be Dominance or whatever, then for some reason my mind shuts those urges away.

AND, there are times that if the person topping me that I KNOW I could Top if I wanted to is really hitting on certain positive triggers in me, then the desire quells as well.

This whole thread is utterly clusterfucked I know. Basically: I'm hopelessly confused about where I stand, how I should stand and what the fuck I should do. First thought is going to be, "just embrace", but it seems to be easier said than done.

Good Lord I hope one of you at least understand what I'm trying to say.

Thanks to all for at least reading this crap.

 

[Marquis De Sade]

So...you're only a Bottom if the person Topping you is...strong...enough to...make you a...Bottom.

Right? There. Cleared up.

WTF.

 

[gigglemakr]

I wonder if this is maybe a function of taking things too seriously instead of just having fun with it.....especially in a tickling context. I am normally a dom in tickling but I also have described myself to others as "lee curious". I'm perfectly comfortable submitting myself to a (female) ler (or 2....as happened last year) while being tied to the bed (as long as I trust the people). There was no psychological change in me at all..........I easily went back to being a ler afterwards. If you are talking about much more serious BDSM play, then I don't know what to say since I don't get into that stuff.

I did see you around NEST, but we never met officially and we never chatted. Sorry about that.....wish we had. If you'd like to PM me, please feel free to do so.

 

[rhiannon]

Isn't this problem called being a switch? I'm not sure because I am not absolutely certain I understood what you are talking about! 🙂

 

[DimpleToes]

your a switch,. when they are done with you them pounch on them and pay backs yeah baby

 

[gigglemakr]

Isn't this problem called being a switch? I'm not sure because I am not absolutely certain I understood what you are talking about! 🙂

My understanding is that if one was a true switch one would be equally happy in either position without any of this anxiety. Even though I am "lee curious", I am not a switch (at this point anyway) since I prefer to be a tickle dom most of the time.

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

I think I get what you're saying. I'm predominantly a lee...like 90% plus But, there are very few people I lee to that I will actually "submit to". Most times, I'm busy samming and just having fun. I also resist reacting a lot of the time. It depends largely on my mood, my relationship with the person(s) involved, etc.

With most folks, I'll goof around back and forth without giving much thought to the whole top/bottom issue. I totally love tickle fights! If I'm friendly and trusting enough with someone, I'll take it beyond the goofing around to more serious play. But, there are few who I have any desire to turn the tables on beyond that playful level. If we're going to get into more involved play, bondage, etc, the dominance of the lee side is right there. I simply don't enjoy the ler side as much when it comes to that level of play.

Still, it does happen. For me personally, when it does it's mainly because I know how much I enjoy it and (if I know that they would) want them to be able to enjoy that side of things as well...and feel close enough to them to give on that level.

 

[gigglemakr]

I think Ann is right. We both look at it as just having fun and "goofing" without paying that much attention to either top or bottom. When I said submit earlier, that was still in the context of "having fun", nothiong more serious.

 

[subtle_feather]

Perhaps your desire is less to be submissive or obedient than it is to be conquered or overwhelmed. If that were the case, it would be perfectly natural for you to try to establish dominance over those whom you felt were not clearly more powerful than yourself. This is a shot in the dark, but it may interest you to compare your situation to how you might fit into a wolf pack. It seems to me that you are a natural Beta Wolf.

 

[love feet]

yes you are possibly a switch!
you want who ever your play partner is to have balanced experience with you!!
& them too
where the conflicts may be is you give of the impression of have this Very Dominant side Witch is NOT a Bad thing AT ALL So do Not fell Bad abut that!!
oh the side you have this sweet side & you want your play partner to have a nice time to .

So in your mind you go to ware with your self

I may be all wrong on this but its my guess!!!

 

[milagros317]

Like Ann, I'm about 90% lee/bottom and 10% ler/top. For me this is true both for tickling and for other BDSM play such as spanking or paddling.

You should just have fun and find your own balance with trusted partners. 😀

 

[sasaxrah]

Is it just curiosity? Would trying to top your top once satisfy your confusion?

 

[His Divine Shadow]

It doesn't sound so much like curiosity, sasaxraxaxax. If I'm getting the message right, it's more a feeling that is clawing its way to the surface when she is being topped by someone she knows she can but isn't being topped enough to overcome that feeling. She knows they can be topped; it sounds like her mind fighting itself, part saying it is enjoying it and the other part absolutely furious that she is not the one topping.

subtle feather's analogy is one I hadn't thought of. I've been pondering an answer to this question, and I think his is closer to it than mine have been. It's the conflict of desires, with the true one being to be "conquered or overwhelmed." What the trouble is, then, is how can she enjoy fun play and ignore that angry desire to top? She seems to want to be able to do that. Heck if I know the answer.

 

[LD_Tickler]

So...you're only a Bottom if the person Topping you is...strong...enough to...make you a...Bottom.

Right? There. Cleared up.

WTF.

This.

I'm willing to bet that as you're amassing more experience as a bottom, your standards, or at least your knowledge of what you want, as a bottom are rising. So when a top isn't hitting the spot, a certain part of you, now more experienced, is compelled to hit it instead.

 

[-Hari-]

Maybe ive misread, but what are you actually confused about? what you have said seems more like a statement than anythign else, Which leave me thinking to myself, "now I know what sort of switch Crystal is" yay.... 😛

Basically you like to pray on what you see as "the weak", and if your the weak your happy to keep your place in the food chain, seems fairly straight forward. 🙂

 

[Deleted member 66627]

I think.

Do I like this?

Well I like Topping. I do.

I like Bottoming.

I get angry sometimes. Maybe frustrated is the better word.. when someone is Topping me that I KNOW I can Top.

Unless they are Topping me really, really well. Then I have no time to think or plot of a way to manipulate the situation to my favor.

I feel like I'm not supposed to be a Top.

But I like Topping.

But I like Bottoming.

Not always though.

And I don't always like Topping.


Me:

 

[meangry]

I don't think there is a clear line that has to be drawn as to what you are and what you are not. If the feelings are there, then they are inarguable. At the same time, I do not know how you prescribe to a certain lifestyle, so I don't know if my thoughts are actually valid.

I know I don't find the appeal of a 24/7 Dom relationship because I enjoy relationships where both parties have equal power in almost all facets and forms, but in the bedroom, I want to overpower and toy and tease and ravage my partner. I want her eyes rolling in the back of her head. I want there to be nothing left but euphoric head space. I'm the one who controls the experience not because it feeds this wanton need to control someone else sexually but because I want to make that sexual experience the most fantastic thing possible. But there are those moments where I don't want to be in control. Always being in control can be taxing, can be draining, and while I can barely fathom it, there are moments where I want someone to make my mind mush. Maybe it is just the experience of knowing what it is like to do it to someone else. Maybe it is poking the cage, teasing the animal within so its violent lashing out makes her weak at the knees...but I know I've been put in positions where I'm not the one in control.

But I don't think it is wrong to feel that way. Desire can take different forms in different situations, and it is best to feed those cravings when the arise then to be confused by them.

 

[Leo tickles]

Domination and Submission, now that's probably the one thing I have more knowledge in than getting random women that I post about.

I'd rather not talk about it in public, and I know we've had issues, but if you are seriously confused and interested in learning a different point of view, PM me.

 

[-Hari-]

I think.

Do I like this?

Well I like Topping. I do.

I like Bottoming.

I get angry sometimes. Maybe frustrated is the better word.. when someone is Topping me that I KNOW I can Top.

Unless they are Topping me really, really well. Then I have no time to think or plot of a way to manipulate the situation to my favor.

I feel like I'm not supposed to be a Top.

But I like Topping.

But I like Bottoming.

Not always though.

And I don't always like Topping.


Me:

I like like toast

I like bread

I like jam on both but sometimes when having jam on my bread, I kinda wish is was toast, some bread is just begging to be toasted, whereas some is pretty nice left untoasted, but usually, I prefer it my bread untosted if its with jam, but the best part about being human is I can suprise myself at times.

Fun yes?

We all have a variety of preferences based on so many little things, sometimes its not even about what you know you like or dislike usually, its about what you feel like at the time.

Either that made the sense it made in my head or it was a load of tosh and I need to go to bed 😛

 

[silversurf828]

🙂

Is it just curiosity? Would trying to top your top once satisfy your confusion?

Where do i sign up? 😀


I get what your saying. Its pretty interesting. I think it depends on the person really. Some people im just naturally more of a lee for and others a ler. It happens. And it does suck when your top sucks and you think you can do a better job.

 

[Musicroxmysox]

Hmm...okay first off terribly confusing yes.

It sounds like though, that you are truly a switch, but you only want to be a bottom to someone who is very good at what they do specifically for your needs. So in cases where you are being a bottom to someone who is not meeting your needs, you get frustrated and want to in a sense show them how it's done.

I guess it's nice to know where you stand on the are you a lee, ler or switch side, but I would say just enjoy each situation as an individual situation. I suppose since you are a natural switch it is more confusing but I feel all that matters is that you are having a good time. The rest doesn't seem very important.

 

[JesseinSD]

Is this little quandry strictly within a tickling scenario or a broader BDSM context? I suspect the latter?

 

[OmahaTickler]

Never deny your true nature.

We're closeted enough from mainstream society. We can't be closeting ourselves within our own community.

Follow your urges.

--Frank

 

[chicago]

I've had weird 'ler urges that freaked me out before, but ultimately, I just figured sexuality is so fucking complicated, tickling and fetishes in general have to be just as complicated. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Who cares if you don't fit into the right "box" of 'ler, 'lee, or 'switch. Fuck it. Do you and have fun and who cares?

When you become a psychologist and figure it all out, maybe you can give us all some insight. I know I could use some lol

 

[dad1]

Maybe your sexuality is maturing beyond the simple concepts of dominance and submission. It sounds to me like part of you longs for what so many of us long for. An equal partnership.