Utterly fucking confused.

[love feet]

Maybe your sexuality is maturing beyond the simple concepts of dominance and submission. It sounds to me like part of you longs for what so many of us long for. An equal partnership.

looking at this i am thinking the same!!

 

[love feet]

I've had weird 'ler urges that freaked me out before, but ultimately, I just figured sexuality is so fucking complicated, tickling and fetishes in general have to be just as complicated. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Who cares if you don't fit into the right "box" of 'ler, 'lee, or 'switch. Fuck it. Do you and have fun and who cares?

When you become a psychologist and figure it all out, maybe you can give us all some insight. I know I could use some lol

that is so true!!

 

[Soda Bobinski]

Bottoming Out

Well I like Topping. I do.

Whipped cream?! Sprinkles?! Butter?! What?!


Just surrender to me , 'Light , & be done w/it. 😛

 

[nylonsnfeet]

Sounds like "growing" pains. We start off with a pre-conceived "idea" of what it is we are, or want. As we participate in various scenes, situations, those "ideas" expand. Don't let it drive ya nuts trying "analyze" the whys & what-fors.

Try switching, see how it works. Mostly just explore, enjoy, have fun doing so.

 

[elsewhere_and]

Um. If I might suggest?

When actors are watching a show from the audience, they often gauge it by how much
of a better job they could have done themselves. That seems ego-centric of them, but
really, it is a matter of understanding the skills involved. In any situation, a person has
an idea of what should happen next. The more aware and experienced a person is, the
more clear that perception.

The complications you're having might stem from your conceptions of power. The whole
of the Sub/Dom culture is based on power...but wouldn't it make things all turvy-topsy
if power wasn't what it seems to be? Wouldn't it confuse things if power was based off
the need of both parties...not just the demands of the person who appears in charge
(or worse...the person who declares themselves in charge)?

Being a Bottom is a matter of surrender. But to surrender to something, that something
must be of greater size than you by a certain ratio. When that something is a
someone...it is not that they must be stronger than you, it is that they must have a
greater sense of connection than you. The more connected a person is, the
more...space they have inside of them.

This is starting to sound peculiar, but I'll just keep going. If any of this resonates with
you, but some of it is too unclear, I'm sure you'll just ask.

Being a Top....well therein lies the problem. Lousy Tops are people who do not
understand connection. People who think that power comes from strength and willpower
and cleverness. I watch video clips posted in here and it is very rare that I see
someone who understands power. But that's usually fine, because most people have the
same, more or less, conceptions of power and people are, thus, able to surrender...the
Dom at hand is as large as the Sub needs them to be. Or at least they can play out a
power scene with everyone following the same rules.

So...if your understanding of power is outstripping those around you, then the rules no
longer apply. If a Top doesn't have the same level of understand as you, then you will
not have the space inside of them to surrender fully. The resulting feeling would
be...well, I'd have to guess at contempt.

If any of that applies, then, sadly, it could mean that your choices are officially limited.
You would only be able to surrender once you've found someone with space enough
inside of them for you.

As well, once a certain level of comfort with power is assimilated, often people will seek
what Cheri and lovefeet have suggested...equality. That is, balance. But, obviously,
that balance doesn't work is one person is actively trying to submit or dominate.

 

[P[a]pi]

These tops that aren't satisfying you, so you want to top them, do they know how you feel during it? You might want to stop letting them top you, and only let the ones that satisfy you do it.

And these tops that you want to top, if they won't let you, then top some switches or subs.

You don't have to fit a specific category perfectly. Just do what you like.

 

[Gentler]

I think I'm as confused as the OP.

Just for clarity's sake...

Topping = tickling???

Bottoming = getting tickled???

It would help if plainer terms were used.

 

[Bagelfather]

I think.

Do I like this?

Well I like Topping. I do.

I like Bottoming.

I get angry sometimes. Maybe frustrated is the better word.. when someone is Topping me that I KNOW I can Top.

Unless they are Topping me really, really well. Then I have no time to think or plot of a way to manipulate the situation to my favor.

I feel like I'm not supposed to be a Top.

But I like Topping.

But I like Bottoming.

Not always though.

And I don't always like Topping.


Me:

Your feelings are not unusual. I understand that it can be frustrating and confusing specially when you have not gotten a grasp of it. Everyone can say "it's simple," but for you it really is not.

The key aspect is that you are a switch. There is not one single definition for switch just as there is not a single definition for top or bottom. When you are being topped by someone who does not have complete control, whom you know you can dominate at another time, then the energy is completely different. It comes across that you want to give into surrender and submit when the energy is there for complete topping without a chance of submission by the person topping you. You need to either be in control completely or lose control completely.

You are coming to terms with being a switch and so it sounds like at times you have a hard time switching gears (i.e. mindsets). To top someone or bottom to someone requires a mindset. If you cannot get into that particular head space you have conflict. A cheesy example using a computer with two hard drives. One is designated as the master drive and one is designated as the slave drive. If the jumpers are not set correctly the computer will not function because it doesn't know which is the drive to go to in order to boot up and access first. The same with yourself. If you do not have clear boundaries set in your mind you waffle back and forth and it causes distress.

As a switch it is within your own boundaries to determine when you want to top and bottom. Some switches can go back and forth pretty quickly and do not require clearer black and white boundaries. These switches are comfortable with shades of gray. It sounds to me as though you need clear black and white boundaries for now.

If someone is not taking full control at the time and topping you it gives you time to plot and be a little bit too Sammy and thus you lose focus and the power exchange that you want does not work for you.

I hope this helps you. You will need to play around more to establish your boundaries when you want to switch.

 

[paracarl44]

At least you're having equal experience. I feel that there is a more meaningful relationship between a couple that trades places.

 

[Operator]

CrystalLight,

A rose by any other name...

I think that the label of Top or Bottom, which you like how much and when, is good in the abstract sense of knowing yourself at depth, but beyond that there may be a few too many trees for you to see the majesty of the forest. Does it matter what the rules are?

I have read your fiction, your posts, and talked with you in chat. My understanding is that you like being a Bottom, not just when being Dominated (that in itself may not be enough) but when you are fucked, borderline panic/despair. Your best moments as a writer and I imagine as a Bottom are when you are truly caught in the wake, tossed by the waves and given no choice but to surrender like a ragdoll in a tsunami. True release, surrender, submission, and whatever other label you'd like to employ.

You are also an insanely intense spirit- you are the force of a hurricane in an adorable little package. So... the desire to Top comes as naturally to you as the breaking of branches to a gale-force winds. The pleasure is in the fulfillment of a part of you, the Type A that when allowed to be unchecked will roll across and through and into anything weaker.

Which is more? Which is less? Better question... who cares. I know you are confused by the lines you draw through yourself or the ones you borrow from others to build your barriers- to that I recommend taking a Monet and laying it over a 1-inch grid. Each of the squares alone are spngy dabs of paint, often mismatched and rarely beautiful- you lose something in the measurement and dissection into parts. You, like Monet, are a true masterpiece and at your most beautiful when devoid of such lines.