What do you consider cheating?

[Coup de Grace]

So then, if a guy doesn't feel guilty about screwing behind his wife's back, and feels perfectly justified in doing so, he's not cheating?

I know a guy that follows that line of thinking. He frequents "massage parlors" and his justification is convincing himself that he's paying for a service, nothing more; just like going to a restaurant and ordering a meal. Since there's no emotion invloved, it's not cheating.

I know another guy that said it's ONLY cheating if the other partner has sexual intercourse. I then posed the question: What if your s/o gives some dude a blow job, swallows his load, doesn't wash her mouth and comes home to you and gives you a big, sloppy tongue kiss that smells like chlorine. That's not cheating? He quickly changed his tune.

 

[Redmage]

Cheating is fairly simple to define in theory: You and your partner(s) have an agreement between you. Sometimes it's unspoken, but that's dangerous, because you might not be on the same page in that case. Regardless, you have certain expectations of each other. Sex with a hooker might be fine if it's conducted within the context of your relationship agreement. Anything that violates your agreement is cheating.

Now, I will say that if someone tries to get you to agree to control your thoughts, then you're better off looking for another relationship. But yes, if you're foolish enough to buy into a relationship agreement that forbids you even from thinking about someone other than your partner, that would make such thoughts cheating.

Now, there's some grey areas there. I've known people who say that if something isn't EXPLICITLY forbidden by their relationship agreement, then it's not cheating - even though they know perfectly well that their partner would be upset if it became known. "Hey, she didn't say I COULDN'T tie up another woman and tickle her at a fetish party. As long as I don't have sex, I'm golden. I just won't tell her."

Any sentence that ends "I just won't tell her/him" is dangerous territory. If you're doing something that you know perfectly well your partner wouldn't want you to do, then I'd say you're cheating even if your partner didn't think to add that specific thing to the list.

There's another area that may well not be cheating, but that could be risky even so: getting involved with a partner's friends. It's perfectly possible to have a loose open relationship in which "disclosure" isn't always required. You might have a relationship with a partner who honestly doesn't care if you see other people, even without their knowledge. But if the "other people" includes a friend of theirs, then you're on thin ice. Something like that can impact the friendship, as well as your own relationship, especially if one of those involved is blindsided. So even if disclosure isn't strictly expected in most cases, it might be wise in a situation like that.

 

[rhiannon]

I say cheating is whatever your partner considers cheating to be. Because his/her opinion is what counts in the end. I can say a kiss isn't cheating as long as I want if he believes it to be.

Redmage puts it just right!

 

[Canadian_Eh]

I can't think of a specific example, but I imagine that there could be previously agreed upon circumstances under which I might not mind him getting head from somebody else.

Holy shit Lyz, you're sure an understanding GF .. Can't say that I would view that the same way!

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

Holy shit Lyz, you're sure an understanding GF .. Can't say that I would view that the same way!

Well it's not like he could go out to a bar, come home and be like, "So I met this pretty young thang tonight. We really hit it off and she sucked my cock." and I'd be okay with it LOL It would definitely need to be something we agreed would or would not take place beforehand.

 

[Redmage]

Well it's not like he could go out to a bar, come home and be like, "So I met this pretty young thang tonight. We really hit it off and she sucked my cock." and I'd be okay with it LOL It would definitely need to be something we agreed would or would not take place beforehand.

Definitely. Always negotiate up front. That's the relationship agreement I mentioned.

 

[..Glamorous..]

Anything a guy feels like he needs to be hiding from his SO.

 

[Redmage]

I say cheating is whatever your partner considers cheating to be. Because his/her opinion is what counts in the end. I can say a kiss isn't cheating as long as I want if he believes it to be.

Redmage puts it just right!

Thanks, Rhiannon. However I wouldn't say that, exactly.

It goes back to the relationship agreement. If an agreement is poorly worded, or even unspoken, then it's entirely possible for one partner to be acting in good faith and the other partner to get upset. A situation like that means that the agreement needs to be clarified or renegotiated, but it doesn't mean that anyone cheated.

Someone who does things that haven't been negotiated, but that s/he knows would upset the other partner, is not acting in good faith.

Anything a guy feels like he needs to be hiding from his SO.

I'd say "A guy or a gal," but yes. "I can't mention this or there will be trouble" is a sure sign that you're doing something you shouldn't be doing.

 

[vladtickleman22]

The second thought becomes action it's cheating.

 

[..Glamorous..]

Thanks, Rhiannon. However I wouldn't say that, exactly.

It goes back to the relationship agreement. If an agreement is poorly worded, or even unspoken, then it's entirely possible for one partner to be acting in good faith and the other partner to get upset. A situation like that means that the agreement needs to be clarified or renegotiated, but it doesn't mean that anyone cheated.

Someone who does things that haven't been negotiated, but that s/he knows would upset the other partner, is not acting in good faith.

I'd say "A guy or a gal," but yes. "I can't mention this or there will be trouble" is a sure sign that you're doing something you shouldn't be doing.

Yeah, I meant girl or guy.

 

[vladtickleman22]

Well it's not like he could go out to a bar, come home and be like, "So I met this pretty young thang tonight. We really hit it off and she sucked my cock." and I'd be okay with it LOL It would definitely need to be something we agreed would or would not take place beforehand.

So, if he brought said "pretty young thang" home with him and asked if it was okay. Or if he came home asked if you were cool with it and got his cock sucked the next night. That would be cool?

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

So, if he brought said "pretty young thang" home with him and asked if it was okay. Or if he came home asked if you were cool with it and got his cock sucked the next night. That would be cool?

Probably not, no.

 

[vladtickleman22]

Probably not, no.

Ok cool. Just clarifying rather then misunderstanding. 🙂 Cause i misunderstand shit all the time! LOL!