Why do men beat their wives/gfs?

[isabeau]

I was watching "Sleeping with the Enemy" last night starring Julia Roberts as a battered wife, who faked her own death in order to escape her crazed and abusive husband. He seemed to love and cherish her, and was very protective of her safety, and was devastated at her "death". So why did he beat her? Why does any man who claims to love and adore their wife/gf choose to beat them? Is it a control issue? Do they see their spouse/gf as a possession? I am at a loss as to why this happens..This can also be for the woman who beats her spouse/bf..

 

[Cave In]

Hitting a woman is the one thing that i've vowed i'd never do unless i was being attacked by a woman to the point where i would have to defend myself, but otherwise i wouldn't.
My previous girlfriend used to get hit from her ex, usually for not doing what he said. I think its a possessive thing among people like that.

However i have no time for guys like that and if anyone in my family or a friend done something like that i wouldn't want anything more to do with them.

 

[luvgirlsfeet]

being a guy myself i dont understand why guys hit they're wives/girlfriends...No matter if your wife or girlfrriend gets you enraged "NEVER EVER" hit them..i will admit there are ALOT of guys out there who are prick's that have nothing better to do then to knock around a female..

 

[just_incorrect]

I was watching "Sleeping with the Enemy" last night starring Julia Roberts as a battered wife, who faked her own death in order to escape her crazed and abusive husband. He seemed to love and cherish her, and was very protective of her safety, and was devastated at her "death". So why did he beat her? Why does any man who claims to love and adore their wife/gf choose to beat them? Is it a control issue? Do they see their spouse/gf as a possession? I am at a loss as to why this happens..This can also be for the woman who beats her spouse/bf..

I"m so glad you use the term woman that beats their bf also, too many times has men been given the lable of abusers. There a many ladies that beat their bf/husbands for the same reason males beat females. They both have problems they need help with.

but unlike ladies men do not have anyone to turn to, can you imagine how hard it is for a man to go to his father, brother, uncle, pastor, police, or male friends and say "my wife is beating on me i need help"

Or for a man to go to a woman and try to tell them he is being abused by his wife. it already been imprinted into people psyche that males can only be the abuser and females are always the victims.

this is a unisex problem just like rape, people that do this have issues which need some type of help before the it ends up in court.

being a guy myself i dont understand why guys hit they're wives/girlfriends...No matter if your wife or girlfrriend gets you enraged "NEVER EVER" hit them...

I'm sorry i don't agree with you, on this point, man was raise never to hit their sister. but, the sister was not told not the hit their brother. I feel if a woman has the urge to hit me, than she promoted or demoted herself to my level and i will treat her accordingly

but to hit a woman for the sake of your own ego, i do have a prblem with
My youngest sister husband use to hit her, I told her to leave him be she didn't. I told my neice if he every hit her to call me. One day he did hit her, my mother called me to tell me about it. (i'm the black sheep of the family) before i knew it i was driving down the highway at 90 mph with 2 guns and a baseball bat. halfway there my sister call me on my cell phone and beg me not to come down there. The police was there already, I told her to inform her husband that i will see him soon after the police leave. He left town the next morning

 

[RobAce]

Okay let me prepare for the eventual flamming attacks by saying this:
I AM NOT IN ANYWAY ATTEMPTING TO PUT DOWN A PARTICULAR LIFESTYLE OR MAKING A GENERAL BLANKET STATEMENT ABOUT ANYONE OR ANYTHING, THIS IS MEERLY AN OBSERVATION AND MY OPINION.

Okay..now that I go that out of the way,
Often times people learn behavior from what they see. If children are present in a relationship whether its consentual or not...that they see a domination of one parent over the other, one parent hitting the other, kids when they are forming their concepts do not understand "sex games" and sometimes this gets put into their psyche and as they grow up they attribute hitting to love.
Even when parents spank their children and tell them they are doing it because they love them. It is a fine line often around children and learned behaviors, its something people must have a grasp on before they have children I think.
Sometimes also people who wish to have a domination type relationship will not only physcially attempt to bully their partner, but emotionally as well.
Sometimes words do hurt worse than fist.
There are many types of abuse as well as many types of abusers.

I will be awaiting the flames.....but beware, Ive got a fire extingusiher and a boatload of sarcasm.

Rob

 

[Cave In]

I'd say thats pretty much spot on rob....

 

[PainTrain]

If you were beaten as a child to force control, you will most likely emulate the behaviour. It's still no excuse, but thats often how it happens.

 

[TicklishLurker]

Rob - there's a HUGE difference between a consesual BDSM relationship and abuse.

Abuse is done in anger - the man or woman has low self esteem and so beats their spouse AND their children to make themselves feel better.

While my experiences in BDSM is limited, I do know from talking to members and reading that they don't do it in front of their kids and by the time they feel their kids are ready to know what their parents do in the bedroom, they explain it to them first.

Abuse is usually accompanied by yelling, screaming, crying.

I've said it before - but my brother Mark's wife Jennifer beats him. She's much taller then him and weighs more. She's been diagnosed bipolor but absolutely refuses to get help. Their's is an abusive relationship. The reason he doesn't leave her is because she's related to the Johnsons - as in Johnson & Johnson products - and has access to money - she's threatened to take the kids to her Johnson reliatives and never let him see them again.

She forced him into a vasectomy and on the very day he had it, she left him alone with the children while she went out partying with her friends.

I've never met anyone in the BDSM community who would act in such a way.

 

[isabeau]

it can also be a matter of insecurity.. like hey look at me.. i can beat my spouse i'm a tough guy or girl for that matter.when deep down inside they are extremely insecure..but that doesn't fit the picture of the guy in that movie..he seemed so self confident and assured about himself..

 

[TicklishLurker]

it can also be a matter of insecurity.. like hey look at me.. i can beat my spouse i'm a tough guy or girl for that matter.when deep down inside they are extremely insecure..but that doesn't fit the picture of the guy in that movie..he seemed so self confident and assured about himself..

Well, that's fiction for one thing. And for another he never struck me as confident but as vain - and vainity can actually be a sign of insecurity.

 

[RobAce]

I knew it would be comming so let me set it straight....
Lurker...yes I know there is a diffrence between it. Im not dumb and I wasnt trying to say they are the same.
But a 3 or 5 or 8 year old child does not and can not tell the diffrence. Thats just fact. They imitate what they see and observe.

I will accept that all members on this forum handle their relationships with love, repsect and decorum. But I will not believe that 100% and all people in these relationships are able to hide and explain everything 100% all the time.
There are people in these relationships that do not care about what their kids do, let alone learn.
And perhaps you havent met anyone like that...but I have and so have many others.
Again I said Im not making a blanket statement....I made sure I explained that I am not putting down the lifestlye, I am meerly stating some facts and observations.
I think proper BDSM realtionships are wonderful and can be as normal if not more normal than "vanilla" relationships because both people are enjoying something they both love.
But for every 24 great BDSM relationships...there is that 1 destructive one, and that 1 destructive one can create a child that will grow up to abuse. Much like in a normal "vanilla" relationship where the guy beating up his spouse will more than likely create a child who turns to violence more often than not.

Rob

 

[just_incorrect]

I’m not trying to get off the subject but i have to say something about the spanking, please understand like you this is just my feelings on the matter.

I was spank, whup, beaten of how every you wish to say it, never did my parents equate it to love. I was told that it was done because i did or didn't do something that was considered very major in their eyes. the spankings decrease as i gotten older and learnt to play the game

By the time i turn 13 i was never hit again, (except the time I tried to stand up to my mother and woke up on the floor; I still don’t know how I gotten there) when i was a kid i hated my parents for spanking me. but looking at it now as an minority male adult i thank god that they did.

It showed me that there are lines that should not be crossed, and if you do don't get caught.

Corporal punishment is not trying to force a child to comply with your wishes, it to let them know that they done something that warning this punishment. police walk around with batons, pepper spray, stun guns and real guns. It’s not for show; they use it when someone do not comply with their demands.

I know people say corporal punishment doesn’t work, but neither does time outs. Nothing is 100% effective as a parent all your trying to do is last long enough to get them out of your house so you can start living again. If you don’t make them dependent on you.

 

[isabeau]

to clarify something.. i am not talking about the bdsm lifestyle..where when beatings occur it's consensual..i'm talking about the beating of someone just because..using any little excuse to set them off to begin beating on their spouse, child or what have you..

ps Justincorrect.. i was also spanked as a child..for me it was effective, at least until the next time i misbehaved..

 

[drew70]

Old school here. I was taught early on that boys don't hit girls. Maybe that's sexist by today's standards, but back then that word didn't even exist. The only exception to that rule was self defense, a scenario I've personally never had to encounter.

 

[DannyMc]

In The Name Of Love ?

I had a girlfriend once that was saying things about our relationship , well I guess about me . As the conversation went on it came to a point where she says , are you going to let me say this to you , if you were a man you would hit and put me in my place . It took me by surprise because I never would have thought she would ever say , let alone think such a thing . I didn't know what to think , thats not exactly what a guy needs to hear from someone he cares about . I felt hurt, confused and mad , so not being the type to hit women or much anyone else I slapped her lightly on the ear , can't say why , I just did . She probably at that second lost respect for me . It seemed like a lose - lose situation , damned if I do and damned if I dont . I take it that it probably had something to do with her life in the past or life growing up at home . She was a very sweet girl , but a bit mixed up at times . One other thing , that a person can say they love you , but deep down in side the sight of you or the sound of you angers them and if your being a loving person to them still they may find that a weakness and a chance to bring their anger down on you . When these signs start to emerge in any relationship its time to go and go fast .

 

[AffectionateDan]

I *HATE* to make light of a very serious subject, but...

...if I don't tell this joke, I'm gonna explode! It's not that I want to do it... I HAVE to! It's a matter of life and, well... lifelessness.

Q: Okay, what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

A: Nothing--you've already told her twice.

Okay, after the rimshot, crickets chirping, and fusillade of rotten eggs & fruit, I need to go on record as saying that any guy who beats a woman is no man at all, but a goddamned coward, and needs his ass kicked up between his shoulderblades. I catch anyone I know beating their wife or girlfriend, I tell ya what, they're gonna answer to ME long before the cops show up.

 

[Saeria]

While i will wholeheartedly acknowledge that there are instances in which a women will beat her male counterpart, this is something i've not had any experience with.
I have often asked myself this samw question, Isabeau, why would a man have the necessity to take brute force against a woman. While i will be the first to recognize that the line between men and women is thin at best, and what's good for one is good for the other. I think going to blows in any dispute, no matter what side, simply isn't the right thing to do. But it happens. I honestly think it's all a matter of control. It has been explained to me that a man is raised from boyhood being taught that he will one day be the man in his family, that he will have to take control and make decisions. This same man then enters into a relationship where the lines of control are shifted more towards the center of the spectrum and that level of control he was taught to take on is not there. Perhaps the man begins to question his ability to "be the man in the house" ?
The relationships i have witnessed have been riddled with control issues such as these. Take this theoretical situation: Man comes home drunk and drops his keys on the counter. Woman takes these keys and hides them, thus taking control of his comings and goings from this point on. His control is dramatically reduced and he reacts. Perhaps his inebriation helps him along in this. The dispute then becomes physical when the woman refuses to relinquish the keys (which at this point symbolize his control).
This also brings up another good factor in spousal abuse. I think men are more wont to react violently to a threat to his level on control when they are inebriated in some for or another. With alcohol their inhibition is reduced, Under the influence of downers such as hydrocodone or even mood elevators like benzodiazepines, one is less likely to see the consequences for their actions, are less likely to care. Under the influence of uppers, say cocaine or meth, the adrenaline rush that accompanies this high often creates a sensation of indestructability. Loss of inhibition, complacency, indestructability, these are all feelings that can aid a person to take control in unacceptable ways.
One must also take into consideration the women who stay, who continue to subject themselves to this abuse. This doesn't necessarily mean they are stupid women, either. I think alot of women who find themselves in an abusive relationship, in some way or another, seek them out. Whether they seek these types of relationships out because they feel like that is all they deserve, or because deep down they want to love their abuser in hopes that he will one day stop and flourish into the kind of person the woman knows they can be, they will often stay until they realize that they can't live happily in such a way. Getting out is another matter entirely.
After a man has chosen to take his control in a physical way, in a way that often is quite successful, it's difficult to escape. A man who is likely to beat his wife is just as likely to say such things as "I'd like to see someone ELSE put up with you." or "You're fat, stupid, and ugly but i love you anyway." followed later by "no one else will want someone like you". Alot of physical abusers are also emotional abusers. Manipulators. This, in it's own way, is kind of the combat of choice. It requires less effort to put down a woman than it does to hit her, and it is often just as effective. So why would it be so hard to escape such terrible things? Another analogy. If a person who never sees the sky is told it is green, what are they to believe? If a woman is made to believe she has little value, whether it be physically, mentally, socially etc, and her sense of self is easily molded by the opinions of others, then she will then believe that the relationship she is in, abuse and all, is the best there is. That surely this is better than being alone. While reason tells a woman this isn't so, i think women tend to be emotional beings, relying more on their "gut feelings" to make decisions of the heart.
Well, i think it's time for me to shut up now. Damn, i talk too much but i hope this helps. This is something that i have given great thought to, however, and have formed many opinions. Perhaps a man who beats his wife doesn't understand it's wrong? And if he does, maybe he feels like this is the only way to gain that control he so desires, that he was raised believing he should have.


The End

P.S. That joke was fantastic, in it's own sick, inappropriate way 😀 hooray for uncouth!

 

[just_incorrect]

personlly i believe that could be said for both sex, when i was dating i went over to my gf house after work. She lean into the car windows and give me a kiss. We were talking and she decided to smack me in the face, i look at her and told her to get out of my car windows. She refused, i give her 3 chances to move after the 3 one i took off with her still stuck in the window. i drove 6 blocks with her butt sticking out of the car.

When i got home she finally made it into the car completely, she demanded for me to take her home. I told her to walk and if she every touch me like that again i will hurt her.

I say that because woman believe it to be love tips but they use full force when they hit a man.

also i agree with you about man being taught to be the head of the household, but now it's not more of 50/50 it's more like 60/40 - 70/30 in the woman favor.

While i will wholeheartedly acknowledge that there are instances in which a women will beat her male counterpart, this is something i've not had any experience with.
I have often asked myself this samw question, Isabeau, why would a man have the necessity to take brute force against a woman. While i will be the first to recognize that the line between men and women is thin at best, and what's good for one is good for the other. I think going to blows in any dispute, no matter what side, simply isn't the right thing to do. But it happens. I honestly think it's all a matter of control. It has been explained to me that a man is raised from boyhood being taught that he will one day be the man in his family, that he will have to take control and make decisions. This same man then enters into a relationship where the lines of control are shifted more towards the center of the spectrum and that level of control he was taught to take on is not there. Perhaps the man begins to question his ability to "be the man in the house" ?
The relationships i have witnessed have been riddled with control issues such as these. Take this theoretical situation: Man comes home drunk and drops his keys on the counter. Woman takes these keys and hides them, thus taking control of his comings and goings from this point on. His control is dramatically reduced and he reacts. Perhaps his inebriation helps him along in this. The dispute then becomes physical when the woman refuses to relinquish the keys (which at this point symbolize his control).
This also brings up another good factor in spousal abuse. I think men are more wont to react violently to a threat to his level on control when they are inebriated in some for or another. With alcohol their inhibition is reduced, Under the influence of downers such as hydrocodone or even mood elevators like benzodiazepines, one is less likely to see the consequences for their actions, are less likely to care. Under the influence of uppers, say cocaine or meth, the adrenaline rush that accompanies this high often creates a sensation of indestructability. Loss of inhibition, complacency, indestructability, these are all feelings that can aid a person to take control in unacceptable ways.
One must also take into consideration the women who stay, who continue to subject themselves to this abuse. This doesn't necessarily mean they are stupid women, either. I think alot of women who find themselves in an abusive relationship, in some way or another, seek them out. Whether they seek these types of relationships out because they feel like that is all they deserve, or because deep down they want to love their abuser in hopes that he will one day stop and flourish into the kind of person the woman knows they can be, they will often stay until they realize that they can't live happily in such a way. Getting out is another matter entirely.
After a man has chosen to take his control in a physical way, in a way that often is quite successful, it's difficult to escape. A man who is likely to beat his wife is just as likely to say such things as "I'd like to see someone ELSE put up with you." or "You're fat, stupid, and ugly but i love you anyway." followed later by "no one else will want someone like you". Alot of physical abusers are also emotional abusers. Manipulators. This, in it's own way, is kind of the combat of choice. It requires less effort to put down a woman than it does to hit her, and it is often just as effective. So why would it be so hard to escape such terrible things? Another analogy. If a person who never sees the sky is told it is green, what are they to believe? If a woman is made to believe she has little value, whether it be physically, mentally, socially etc, and her sense of self is easily molded by the opinions of others, then she will then believe that the relationship she is in, abuse and all, is the best there is. That surely this is better than being alone. While reason tells a woman this isn't so, i think women tend to be emotional beings, relying more on their "gut feelings" to make decisions of the heart.
Well, i think it's time for me to shut up now. Damn, i talk too much but i hope this helps. This is something that i have given great thought to, however, and have formed many opinions. Perhaps a man who beats his wife doesn't understand it's wrong? And if he does, maybe he feels like this is the only way to gain that control he so desires, that he was raised believing he should have.


The End

P.S. That joke was fantastic, in it's own sick, inappropriate way 😀 hooray for uncouth!

 

[Deadsea7777]

I was watching "Sleeping with the Enemy" last night starring Julia Roberts as a battered wife, who faked her own death in order to escape her crazed and abusive husband. He seemed to love and cherish her, and was very protective of her safety, and was devastated at her "death". So why did he beat her? Why does any man who claims to love and adore their wife/gf choose to beat them? Is it a control issue? Do they see their spouse/gf as a possession? I am at a loss as to why this happens..This can also be for the woman who beats her spouse/bf..

Dear Izzy:

I do not the reasons they choose to do it, neither how in the long run they can get away with it, because in the long run women should stop choosing agressive men as mates and the trait would eventually disappeared, but it does not happen.
Maybe aggressive instincts have a value after all for females, and beating the wife would be the other side of the coin, you know every coin has two sides, I do not know.

What I know is that the human male is on average 20% stronger than the average female, which means they have a power available to use if they want to.
A man is educated by his parents to renounce to that advantage, and as far as I know education in home by the mother and father is the best defence against future abuses of this kind.

 

[Goodieluver]

I was watching "Sleeping with the Enemy" last night starring Julia Roberts as a battered wife, who faked her own death in order to escape her crazed and abusive husband. He seemed to love and cherish her, and was very protective of her safety, and was devastated at her "death". So why did he beat her? Why does any man who claims to love and adore their wife/gf choose to beat them? Is it a control issue? Do they see their spouse/gf as a possession? I am at a loss as to why this happens..This can also be for the woman who beats her spouse/bf..

Because they are pieces of crap who deserve to be shot, drawn and quartered

I stand for few things, 2 of them is i will not tolerate animal abuse or abuse to a female. I nearly walked up to someone and punched him in the grill cuz i saw him kick his dog when walking the dog and the dog was stopping to sniff the ground

 

[isabeau]

Because they are pieces of crap who deserve to be shot, drawn and quartered

I stand for few things, 2 of them is i will not tolerate animal abuse or abuse to a female. I nearly walked up to someone and punched him in the grill cuz i saw him kick his dog when walking the dog and the dog was stopping to sniff the ground

you are a true gentleman Goodie..

Deadsea you are right..

 

[Avenger314]

I tend to feel that no one shoudl hit anyone. A man shouldn't slap a woman if he's angry or to establish control. A woman shouldn't hit a man if he is angry or if he wants to establish control. Period.

I feel that self-defense sometimes isn't just okay, but sometimes mandatory. If a man hits a woman, she should defend herself by hitting back. If a woman hits a man, he should possibly defend himself by hitting back.

 

[isabeau]

I had a girlfriend once that was saying things about our relationship , well I guess about me . As the conversation went on it came to a point where she says , are you going to let me say this to you , if you were a man you would hit and put me in my place . It took me by surprise because I never would have thought she would ever say , let alone think such a thing . I didn't know what to think , thats not exactly what a guy needs to hear from someone he cares about . I felt hurt, confused and mad , so not being the type to hit women or much anyone else I slapped her lightly on the ear , can't say why , I just did . She probably at that second lost respect for me . It seemed like a lose - lose situation , damned if I do and damned if I dont . I take it that it probably had something to do with her life in the past or life growing up at home . She was a very sweet girl , but a bit mixed up at times . One other thing , that a person can say they love you , but deep down in side the sight of you or the sound of you angers them and if your being a loving person to them still they may find that a weakness and a chance to bring their anger down on you . When these signs start to emerge in any relationship its time to go and go fast .

Danny that is a shame..i know the type of person you are, and it must have hurt like hell to even slap her lightly like that..you were better off without her..

 

[DannyMc]

Thanks Melaney,, I felt very frustrated at the time , like she was egging me on . I think after I did it I thought to myself , there are you happy now . She felt violating her was the true way to settle it , I still can't understand why she figured a relationship had to have violence to keep it good . I treated her good and violence to me was not to be a part of the relationship .

 

[unclebill]

I`m not into battered women. I prefer them pan fried. Seriously, I was brought up "old school". You don`t hit females. Nuff said.