Why Do Most People Miss Ex-Lovers Who Treated Them Like Crap?

[Ethical Edward]

I've gone through enough in relationships that I'd rather be alone than to be with another person who will mistreat me. I did not date for years (7 to be exact). I took that time to get to know me better and get my act together. I got my credit on track, got a respectable job, got my Bachelors degree and am now working towards my masters. These are things I wasn't able to obtain with someone in my life-I was too busy trying to be everything they needed. I also was raising my children and they didn't need men in their faces-they needed their mother. I hate it when women keep a revolving door of men around their kids; kids get attatched way too easy especially if their father isn't involved.

It wasn't easy spending those years alone, I like sex just as much as anyone else. But I wasn't willing to compromise in exchange for sex, love, approval, or even companionship anymore. For the most part, things paid off-I got rid of all the dead weight in my life and stopped goiing for the first man who said something nice to me.

It gets to a point where one has to look in the mirror and ask the tough questions. You have to ask why do you attract people who mistreat you and why you allow it in your life? Then you have to decide you deserve better and wait until yoiu get it. You will kiss a lot of frogs along the way, but you will find your princess if you're patient.

Makes a lot of sense. I like the part where you took 7 years to improve your entire self thus making you stronger and more likely to attract the right man instead of abusive monsters. Great determination that showed because as you said it wasn't easy. 🙂

 

[Capnmad]

It's several things -- I think Shadow and Terorizer hit on them pretty well. Outside the context of ex-lovers, I know familiarity is a key between child abuse victims and their parents. The kids I work with will always unquestioningly say they want to go home to their parents, even if the parents have been abusive physically or verbally... Victims of long term physical abuse also are less likely to respond to typical forms of redirection, often pressing to the point that they have to be physically immobilized (the nearest thing they can receive to the physcial abuse with which they are familiar, and in a way, more comfortable.)

Anxiety stems from uncertainty, and the cycle of abuse, while unpleasant, is a certainty one can take comfort in. You know how the system works. Uncertainty, however, is difficult and increases stress.

 

[Vamp]

Well if you're happy to live life to airy fairy sayings like "oh well I guess love is blind", I guess that's how it'll be for you.

If you work at getting to know yourself deeply enough, you will discover things that will let you see why you make the choice to say, have low self-esteem. You'll eventually become fully conscious of it and you won't consciously choose suffering over joy.

 

[Ethical Edward]

Well if you're happy to live life to airy fairy sayings like "oh well I guess love is blind", I guess that's how it'll be for you.

If you work at getting to know yourself deeply enough, you will discover things that will let you see why you make the choice to say, have low self-esteem. You'll eventually become fully conscious of it and you won't consciously choose suffering over joy.

I think that would require the help of a qualified threapist Vamp.

 

[Vamp]

I think that would require the help of a qualified threapist Vamp.

well, if that's what you think, that's how it'll be for you

ed - If you took responsibility for you life on the other hand, well...

 

[gabrielle]

Well if you're happy to live life to airy fairy sayings like "oh well I guess love is blind", I guess that's how it'll be for you.

If you work at getting to know yourself deeply enough, you will discover things that will let you see why you make the choice to say, have low self-esteem. You'll eventually become fully conscious of it and you won't consciously choose suffering over joy.

Hmmm, I somehow agree to that.
But it isn’t THAT easy. I don’t think anyone will ever make the choice to have low self esteem or consciously choose suffering over joy. Sure, there is a lot of work to do and analyzing yourself, finding out where your problems are originally coming from and being aware of them is a big first step, but I also believe that those things are buried so deep inside of a person, that knowing is not enough. The biggest step, namely to really overcome these problems will probably, as Edward already said, require the help of a therapist.

 

[Vamp]

It is FAR from easy. It's very hard and it takes a long time and noone will ever actively push you in the right direction. Unless you pay them of course 😉 as already stated.

 

[kis123]

Well if you're happy to live life to airy fairy sayings like "oh well I guess love is blind", I guess that's how it'll be for you.

If you work at getting to know yourself deeply enough, you will discover things that will let you see why you make the choice to say, have low self-esteem. You'll eventually become fully conscious of it and you won't consciously choose suffering over joy.

Best answer I've heard yet!

EE will have to figure it out for himself. He will have to decide if it's best to be with someone abusive or to be alone. I made the decision to be alone and I ended up with so much more than to compromise I hope the best for him.

 

[Ethical Edward]

Best answer I've heard yet!

EE will have to figure it out for himself. He will have to decide if it's best to be with someone abusive or to be alone. I made the decision to be alone and I ended up with so much more than to compromise I hope the best for him.

Thank you Kis. I am alone now and I want to work on myself the way you did even if it takes as long. I'm 34 now but I believe you can find happiness at any age. A 50 year old can enjoy life just as much as a 17 year old.

 

[Ethical Edward]

well, if that's what you think, that's how it'll be for you

ed - If you took responsibility for you life on the other hand, well...

What I mean is sometimes people can see things about you and point them out that you can't. That's what a therapist does. It's nice to tell all the things about yourself and life that you don't understand and hear stories like Kis' and a therapist can help in that aspect. Making you feel like you're not alone. Just my opinion. 😀

 

[kis123]

Thank you Kis. I am alone now and I want to work on myself the way you did even if it takes as long. I'm 34 now but I believe you can find happiness at any age. A 50 year old can enjoy life just as much as a 17 year old.

I am glad I could contribute something positive for you. Now take that sentence you just wrote and plaster it everywhere including your heart. You will need it when you get lonely and the nights get cold. I never said it was easy for me, but it was the only solution and I had to stick to my word in order to save myself from being treated like garbage.

Suzanne Somers said it best; you give permission as to how people treat you. If you're getting treated like crap it's usually because you've allowed it. Don't trade your soul for someone to hold your hand and share your bed. You're worth much more than that, but you have to believe that and act on it accordingly.

 

[Eriksmasque]

I think I am going to miss my soon to be ex because he is so cute and I will always find his tough animalistic treatment of me very sexy. But I will also miss him for when he was sweet to me, something my friends and family never saw. When he was like that I felt like a real woman, making a tough guy gentle. My friends tell me I have men issues. I think I do.

this is the same reason I miss a girl I met and she DOES have men issues. Well at least I think so.... according to her every guy she breaks up with she treats like crap no matter what.. even if SHE is the reason they broke up.. hmmmm.... yeah. sounds like she has issues.

 

[Stugots]

Perhaps ex-lovers did things to flip switches on that had nothing to do with treating the other person like crap. Not all abuse victims are attracted to being treated like crap. My point is abuse doesn't happen 24/7, 365. Ted Bundy was a serial killer that still found the time to be involved in politics and shake lots of hands.