Women: should we consider a buddy system?

[h0pelessr0mance]

Gentlemen, I know you probably have thoughts on this, but please refrain from replying so I can hear the women's perspective. Yes I know not all men are dangerous, and there's plenty of good guys. But bad people lie, and sometimes we can't tell the difference before it's too late. I know part of the appeal is the power dynamics, but to someone potentially being tied up, that also makes them targets to r*****s and serial killers. I know you think that's an exaggeration, but that's how women's minds work. And with the proliferation of the noncon kink, it's easy to see why most women don't stick around this forum. So please hold off on responding until we talk about this in depth. Feel free to react to any posts, however.

I started thinking that maybe we can introduce a system where women can buddy up with each other to help meet potential partners. Not be involved with the session, but at least break the ice and see if something seems off. I'm primarily 'ler, but I wouldn't mind helping a female lee meet someone she'd be too scared to meet in person. Male lees I guess could find another buddy to help them vet things out.

I'm only in the midwest, so obviously can't be everywhere. A lot of women have already left the site, so something like this would probably take a while to gain traction, but maybe this will encourage the newcomers. I know the US is a big place, but maybe if we had a board, like the personals, where we could volunteer help for lees in our region, it could help normalize it, and change the culture around kink in general. Has something like this been done before? And if so, what went wrong, or why wouldn't this work?

 

[ticklemepurplee]

I was actually just thinking about this the other day--not necessarily your idea, but the fact that many women don't have a buddy or person that can provide safety and support when meeting potential tickle partners. I think this is largely due to the fact that our fetish is niche and it can be difficult just to find potential play partners, let alone find someone trustworthy enough to help us vet potential play partners. It's basically adding another step. And while important, it's not deemed worth it by many, especially younger ticklephiles with less networking experience and less experience meeting up with others--ironically those are arguably the ones who need that support and safety the most. Another reason they may not deem it important is desperation clouding their judgement (and I'm throwing no shade here--I have absolutely been there and have almost landed myself in some bad situations when I was younger).

This can be a difficult problem to solve because like I said, often younger and less experienced ticklephiles are the ones who will have a harder time finding a "buddy" but they're also the ones that need them the most. Your idea is interesting but like you said, it may be hard to get something like that off the ground since a lot of the tickling community is split between various places on the internet (TMF, Discord, Tumblr, Reddit, Tkl Map, etc etc). You almost need something that can work across platforms or at least someone to spread the word across them.

Another option would be just to have someone in your life who you trust that you can confide in about your fetish, and they could accompany you to meetups or at least be able to track your location, etc. in case things went south. Many don't like this option cause they're very private with their fetish (which I completely understand). But it's better than nothing.

I probably missed something but that seems like a good place to stop my rambling for now lol.

 

[MeatyBreastedDullness]

Doesn't seem like a bad idea, women, men, anyone should maybe consider something like this if possible. You mentioned a lot of women left this site, after seeing how some people talk I'm not surprised.

 

[Sunriseticklee]

I decided decades ago that I was going to trust my family and let them know where I am going, who I am playing with, etc. Literally, my sisters have names, numbers, addresses... One has been my emergency contact with another TMF member for over 20 years.

I also have a local TMF member who accompanies me on local munches / meet ups.

I am 100% willing to look out for and assist women who wish to meet potential partners. I vet, I can provide references, and I do what I can to report people who I consider unsafe.

Having a buddy system even at events (especially at events, really) is a good idea. And consent can be revoked at any time. If you feel weird/ wary about it, trust yourself.

Lastly, if they don't respect you, your voice, and your boundaries online.... They won't respect you in person.

Play safe. 💕

 

[mistee]

As a female, I’d prefer to be tickled in the presence of another female that I trusted; I’m all for bringing a buddy to a tickle session.

 

[h0pelessr0mance]

In case I forget to mention something, please note I had a long day and am exhausted 🤣 I'll get back to something later if I forget.

Sunriseticklee actually brings up a good point: the female members that HAVE stuck around for a while know the site well enough to be able to vouch for some of the people and have references already. If the senior female members can spearhead some kind of forum board, they can probably help verify accounts and vouch for people. "Yes this person is female, not some catfish trying to trap you." Tbh I feel like male lees would benefit from a similar system, but they don't usually feel the way we do about safety, and maybe they'll prefer to have a male buddy for some reason, idk. If they don't care, we could just make a general "lee safety buddy net" to make it easier. If not maybe keeping it to women only will still encourage a safe meet up practice.

Ticklemepurplee did mention the one thing I don't know, though. How the heck to reach all the ticklephiles across all platforms??? The only thing I could think of was just suggest the idea everywhere and each place could make it's own system. I don't any one person could handle everything across all platforms, even if it made it a lot easier lol. Maybe I'll come up with something later.

I do know desperation lol we've all been there. If we have something in place though, maybe we can ask the mods to mention it in the welcome screen or greeting thread or after getting verified or smt. That way they at least know the option is there.

 

[Sunriseticklee]

Let me mention a couple of other things that pose obstacles to the safety of women...

Racism, discrimination and bigotry... And these issues cannot be ignored or swept under the rug because they make some of us feel uncomfortable whenever they are brought up.

The fact of the matter is that the last time I posted a thread to call out microaggressions and racism that occurred HERE in my presence on TMF, the bad actors publicly blew up on the forum, and their posts were scrubbed from the thread as if they never happened.

It isn't easy to speak out. And when you do in an effort to inform/warn others, some have learned that if they are just vulgar and offensive enough, their words can disappear as if they were never typed no matter how vile a person they are.

However, do women support women when it comes to these "uncomfortable issues?"

WOMEN- Meeting in the chatroom to talk about my post. I suppose they didn't know that I was going to see it. They said (generally):

Woman 1: "What do you think about Sunriseticklee's little blow up. I don't think it was justified. Do you?"

Woman 2: "It didn't involve me. I was minding my own business."

Woman 3: "I don't see it."

Woman 1: "She posted it in her blog."

Woman 3: "I'll go see. [minutes later] Yeah, it was justified."

Sooo.... Women-

Racism and bigotry in this space are equally dangerous. When a member posts about issues that may not directly impact you, and you cannot be human enough to empathize and realize that they are still safety issues regardless of your particular background... you make it just as unsafe (especially when you are questioning that woman and chatting up how the woman using her voice was actually the problem- "little blow up"). If we are talking about creating a place for women to feel safe and comfortable, it should be for ALL women.

So whomever decides to create these spaces on whatever platform, they (themselves) have to actually be safe. And some women don't like women, or anyone, who is different.

Again: Do women support women when it comes to these uncomfortable issues? Many still do not. This makes it even more difficult to navigate through this male-centered space.

If this is too real for you, I'm not sorry.
Sunrise 💁🏿

I want my buddy to not be a racist and to clearly comprehend why bigots are dangerous in a space where people are catfishing as a good person who loves tickling.

 

[h0pelessr0mance]

I'll be honest, I'm so used to separating this fetish of mine from my life, I keep forgetting it's made of real world people, with real world problems. I saw your response and was like "wait, that's an issue here too???" Like yeah. 🤣 "EVERYDAY LIFE AFFECTS PEOPLE HERE TOO, BETH!" I guess I'm a little TOO good at categorizing.

If that is a problem, the only thing I can think of is listing the volunteers by age AND ethnicity. I feel like it would be impossible to vet everyone's possible bigotry in the long run, but if someone is helping to look out for someone of the same race as themselves, they can spot the microaggressions too and be more likely to call it out and keep them safe. And really, if they're helping each other, it's easier to have a buddy on call.

And if the dude is fetishizing like "you're both cute (insert race) girls, can I tickle you both? 🙂))" then they can warn others to stay far, FAR away from him lol.

I'll be honest, my biggest concern and biggest issue is finding people who are trustworthy, but also have zero issue standing up to a dude if he takes things too far. In a public meet up it's only a natural someone is on their best behaviors, and would back down to not look bad. But if someone DOES want a friend to look out for them during a session, it has to be someone who isn't afraid of confrontation. With another woman it's not as much of an issue, but if the girl is like 5"2' and 90 lbs, she may not be able to stand up to some guy that's 6"2 and 300lbs. Especially the type that clearly has no issue bullying a woman in a private space.

The whole reason I even thought of this was because I briefly considered being an informal "bodygaurd" for hire last year. Too many horror stories, too many frustrations. Not for kink, I mean just going out in general. Low rates, and peace of mind knowing Im trying to keep girls safe. Problem is I can't be everywhere at once, and still need a day job.

And to be perfectly honest, I don't think a female ler could be fully trusted, especially if she's bi or gay. Too easy for some dude to recruit her to side with him in exchange for some voyeurism, or even joining in. My brain always thinks of worse case scanario, and I know evil comes in all forms and genders lol. The only reason I could be is if I was paid, and me getting hired is literally dependent on a good reputation and satisfied customers, but I'm not about to vouch for a "just trust me bro" approach lol. I'd let people trust me through my work, and how I run my studio.

What if we DID make a separate website or forum, and just made it a hub for safety connections? Make it somewhat similar to TMF layout, and separate by regions, then states, and list the volunteers to help? They can state their ages, general area, ethnicity, and how willing they are to throw hands (lol). If we separate by sex, that will let the male lees still have a chance to find protection, without putting the women at risk of any catfishers. Since it's just to help find an accountability partner, it should be easier to keep the creeps at bay lol. And this way we're not promoting content, or a website, so we can help spread the word and build a real life network across all the sections of the community.

If we could do this, or something similar, I think it would actually increase interactions and happiness all around. Men don't understand that lees WANT to be tickled, and they WANT to find a partner that can drive them crazy- but having someone greet you with "i can do anything I want to u and there's NOTHING u can do to stop me 😈" tells you that you're going to end up in a ditch somewhere, not have a fun night lol.

 

[Sunriseticklee]

I'll be honest, I'm so used to separating this fetish of mine from my life, I keep forgetting it's made of real world people, with real world problems. I saw your response and was like "wait, that's an issue here too???" Like yeah. 🤣 "EVERYDAY LIFE AFFECTS PEOPLE HERE TOO, BETH!" I guess I'm a little TOO good at categorizing.

If that is a problem, the only thing I can think of is listing the volunteers by age AND ethnicity. I feel like it would be impossible to vet everyone's possible bigotry in the long run, but if someone is helping to look out for someone of the same race as themselves, they can spot the microaggressions too and be more likely to call it out and keep them safe. And really, if they're helping each other, it's easier to have a buddy on call.

And if the dude is fetishizing like "you're both cute (insert race) girls, can I tickle you both? 🙂))" then they can warn others to stay far, FAR away from him lol.

I'll be honest, my biggest concern and biggest issue is finding people who are trustworthy, but also have zero issue standing up to a dude if he takes things too far. In a public meet up it's only a natural someone is on their best behaviors, and would back down to not look bad. But if someone DOES want a friend to look out for them during a session, it has to be someone who isn't afraid of confrontation. With another woman it's not as much of an issue, but if the girl is like 5"2' and 90 lbs, she may not be able to stand up to some guy that's 6"2 and 300lbs. Especially the type that clearly has no issue bullying a woman in a private space.

The whole reason I even thought of this was because I briefly considered being an informal "bodygaurd" for hire last year. Too many horror stories, too many frustrations. Not for kink, I mean just going out in general. Low rates, and peace of mind knowing Im trying to keep girls safe. Problem is I can't be everywhere at once, and still need a day job.

And to be perfectly honest, I don't think a female ler could be fully trusted, especially if she's bi or gay. Too easy for some dude to recruit her to side with him in exchange for some voyeurism, or even joining in. My brain always thinks of worse case scanario, and I know evil comes in all forms and genders lol. The only reason I could be is if I was paid, and me getting hired is literally dependent on a good reputation and satisfied customers, but I'm not about to vouch for a "just trust me bro" approach lol. I'd let people trust me through my work, and how I run my studio.

What if we DID make a separate website or forum, and just made it a hub for safety connections? Make it somewhat similar to TMF layout, and separate by regions, then states, and list the volunteers to help? They can state their ages, general area, ethnicity, and how willing they are to throw hands (lol). If we separate by sex, that will let the male lees still have a chance to find protection, without putting the women at risk of any catfishers. Since it's just to help find an accountability partner, it should be easier to keep the creeps at bay lol. And this way we're not promoting content, or a website, so we can help spread the word and build a real life network across all the sections of the community.

If we could do this, or something similar, I think it would actually increase interactions and happiness all around. Men don't understand that lees WANT to be tickled, and they WANT to find a partner that can drive them crazy- but having someone greet you with "i can do anything I want to u and there's NOTHING u can do to stop me 😈" tells you that you're going to end up in a ditch somewhere, not have a fun night lol.

The fact that being this clueless is laughable to you, and then you immediately launch into spouting off that female lers who are bi or gay are untrustworthy, that is exactly my point.

I'll be stepping out of this discussion because clearly, YOU ARE NOT A SAFE SPACE FOR WOMEN.

WTH?!
Just disgusting!
🤮🤮🤮🤮

 

[h0pelessr0mance]

Boy, it must be nice to be an ongoing active part of a fetish community and forget how the real world works lol. I WAS gonna say something in response, but since she's stepped out already there's no point 🤷‍♀️ to anyone else reading this that think similarly to her: I was laughing at my own stupidity because I forgot something I already knew. When you deal with the reality of schizophrenia you learn to find humor in your own shortcomings. I'm frazzled on lack of sleep, anxiety, and my mind feeling like it's split in half. I've finally learned to laugh at the "voices in my head" jokes, and I ain't giving up my deprecating humor on top of everything else. She's right I'm not a safe space, but it's not for the reasons she thinks, lol. I don't spend a lot of time on this site, and fell into that trap of "fetish internet people and real life people are different" even though I... should know better lol. I don't care if you think I can't be trusted with helping with any racial truama, because yes, I know being white passing makes me fly under the radar most days, and I don't understand everything. I won't be angry. I just will NOT tolerate any statements of "You're not a REAL latina!!! WHERE IS YOUR CULTURAL PRIDE?!?!?!?" THAT will piss me off. Yes, I know I'm a disappointment to my family, you don't have to remind me lol. If you do, I WILL go off on you, and I won't be nice about it. I keep the issues I deal with separate so I can handle them as best I can. If I come across as brisk or uncaring because of it, I apologize.

And mods, please don't delete either of our posts because I do actually want people to be aware of these issues. I agree with her, I just don't agree with how to go about it.

Now, onto my main points: the reason I even mentioned all those things is because I'm leading up to my main suggestions. I'm trying to think of what rules or protocols we can put in place to keep everyone as safe as possible. We can't host it here because each sect of the community has it's own culture. I know for a fact tumblr users wouldn't touch this site with a 10ft pole lol. Also I don't want to promote a specific site for kind of that reason.

I can't keep it "women only" because male lees can also be targets and victims, and I'm 90% sure the guys wouldn't bother with running something like that on top of everything else. Also, there's more of them and they'll have easier times finding partners on their own. I don't want to speak for them though, so maybe they'll make their own. 🤷‍♀️ But that could create a gender war I don't want to deal with. If I make a "men can only talk with men" and "women can only talk to women" that would cut down on risk, but then what about gay guys and girls, where they're dealing exclusively with their biological sex??? Or what about the trans community??? It's not like they're never targets or victims.
I know a male ler wouldn't hesitate to lie and say he's a lee, and a woman could do the same, no matter their sex. I know how scams work, and I know people are evil. Obviously they'd have to be categorized by what they identify as, but then we run into the similar problem of discrimination, and not being fully protected because of it. We'd have to require them to be up front about that too.

Not that hard for someone to recruit someone to be a "face" for them, or work with them to find someone who is otherwise lurking. Most women couldn't feasibly sit through another human's legitimate pain and suffering for money (unless the dude is a millionaire, but I doubt he'd be here lol), but if they can find some other satisfaction from it, they could agree. I'd be saying the same thing if we were talking about a male space. It's not that they're gay, it's that they can be enticed. What I was TRYING to say was "in order to lower the risk of scams, I think we should make it lees only, no matter the sex. But if we do this that means I can't be involved, or run it." I thought I made it pretty clear in my statements I'm a ler and sexually attracted to women too, but I guess not, so I'll just state it outright here. I dont hate gay girls, I just know they're human too, and people can't be trusted lol.

But of course this begs the other question: how tf do you vet someone's sexuality???

The only feasible way I see to make this safe for everyone is to make it "lees only" in the space. Make only verified people be able to message, give each person permission to only view the part of the site or forum they're allowed to. No personal gain (besides protection) and no temptations, and lower risk. No tickle talk, no sharing usernnames of other platforms, just sharing general identifying info and locations and meet up plans. And if someone starts asking suspicious questions, report them immediately. If the buddy cancels last minute, then do NOT go through with the meeting or session. We can save the tickle talk for the numerous other platforms, but if we want to avoid someone infiltrating, this is the easiest way to do it.

And before anyone asks: no, I dont know how to handle switches. You guys will have to figure that out on your own, I'm too tired to figure that out tonight. 🤦‍♀️

So as I said, I know I suggested it and brought it up, but with the rules I have in mind I would literally be unable to be involved with it. Unless someone can think of another way to vet people? It just seems like too much of a hassle. Though I could help promote it I guess LOL that would be a way for me to help without being directly involved or having access to it.

 

[ThatPayPhoneGuy]

Everybody should have a buddy system to be honest.

 

[Sunriseticklee]

FYI- I won't ever be the one to throw a rock and hide my hand. I just feel like it's pointless to discuss things with people who'd rather double down than CORRECT the damage they have caused.

So I posted this in my blog, and I'm posting it here too. If no one is going to speak up, I'll do it no matter how sick this makes me on how words like that can make women, many as lurkers, feel in this male-dominated space.

Nope, I don't want a dialogue. I just want women and others to know you are seen, cared for, and there are still people out there willing to stand for you. I'm weary of people refusing to truly be welcoming and change, but being fed up with the ignorance doesn't mean I'm afraid. Be aware.

Sunriseticklee's TMF Blog

I just think when someone expresses discriminatory viewpoints/ opinions as facts it doesn't just harm those communities, it poses a threat to the entire community.

Ignorance isn't an excuse. Being a part of said community or a person's proximity to that community isn't an excuse. We should be better, but unfortunately, we are not. STILL!

And whether it impacts me directly or not, I'm going to speak out against bigotry, racism, discrimination every single time.

Wild generalizations and stereotypes like this that target whole groups of people are wildly problematic:

"I don't think a female ler could be fully trusted, especially if she's bi or gay. Too easy for some dude to recruit her to side with him in exchange for some voyeurism, or even joining in."

On a post that turned into how to create a safe space for women, why women are leaving this site (and others), and how to keep women safe, this is the ANTITHESIS of that. It is more of the same. It's more of what we already get from men. And if the a person feels that way about themselves, then those thoughts should be centered around THEMSELVES rather than being deflected upon an entire group of people.

On the subject of racism here on the forum, just because you (collective) are not directly impacted by it, maybe not use your voice to interject how you don't even bother thinking about it especially after someone is opening up about how it has been a problem they are constantly battling here.

April 6, 2025, I (and many others) sent Jeff emails as a person typed messages with the words NIGGER and NIGGER LOVERS in all caps for about 25 minutes. Over and over and over again. That was barely a month ago. But you know.... it's easy to ignore what a person has to deal with every day when it doesn't impact you. Many have the privilege of not having to think about it at all.

And if you can so easily admit that you don't think about in any context that includes any type of light-hearted, flippant, unserious remarks... how can you possibly care what makes anyone feel unsafe? How? You basically normalize the feelings that if it doesn't impact you, it doesn't exist. And that's just as damaging as the "I am color-blind" argument. Just because you close your eyes or ignore something doesn't mean it isn't a problem or that it isn't dangerous. "Bystander-ism" has NEVER improved any community!

Not one other person made a comment disagreeing or correcting or anything except for me. And I guarantee you, someone else thought, "What a minute! That's not right! That's offensive and bigoted!" but they won't say it. Not their problem, right? It's much more comfortable to say, "Sunrise is offended." rather than those viewpoints are damaging to women, the forum, and the community.

Saying a female ler cannot be trusted makes this space unsafe for WOMEN! Saying that bi and gay women cannot be trusted makes this space unsafe for WOMEN!

Sometimes I go back and forth and push back on bigotry like this, but when someone is committed to it, embraces it, laughs about it, doubles down on it, sometimes I wonder if anyone else see's it for what it really is.No? Silence? Of course....

And the community continues- Steeped in misogyny! This time perpetuated by women pretending to help women.

 

[SirTristran]

Sorry to reply as a guy, but sounds like a good system. I can only imagine how scary it is to try and put your faith in a stranger on the inet that may lead to meeting up and potentially bondage on top, that's why I try to keep "references" from play partners to prove to people that I'm a safe pair of hands

I've told lees off in the past for trusting me too easily and just hopping in the car with no questions asked 🤣 luckily for them I'm not a pred but people need to be well and truly screened or vouched for.

 

[h0pelessr0mance]

Yeah honestly seeing so many people reply to this tells me that it really is needed. As I said, I think the easiest way to go about it is just as a "lees only" space, so they can focus on getting a safety buddy or accountability buddy without stressing too much about vetting. We do check off what roles we get when we register, right? It's been too long, I cannot remember lol.

I didn't want to before, but we should probably have it start here, just because the mods already have a verifying method in place, and it's the only way to be sure people can supervise it. I know this forum type used to have a "only these sections will be visible to these roles of people" so maybe they can just do that. It's hard to start a new project from scratch, and get people to work without compensation, so using a site already established is probably the best way to gain traction.

My hope is that this practice bleeds over into the other spaces, so that all the spaces adopt this as a practice. Honestly I'd love if ANY kink that incorporates bondage made this the norm lol.

If I have the energy, I'll hit up the mods with a run down of the idea later today and see if it's feasible. Or someone can just direct one of them here first lol.

 

[C4urself85]

Pardon my intrusion as a male ler, but my opinion on this is that lees, and female lees in particular, have the right to take any measures they need to feel comfortable before they hand over that level of trust to anyone. They are taking all the risk, making themselves extremely vulnerable, so I say do whatever it takes to give them peace of mind.

I think a buddy system is a great idea. Whether attending the session itself, waiting nearby or just being on standby for a call/text that everything is ok.

Maybe a sticky in the personals section or separate roll call by state for buddies to partner up? I'm sure there are people willing to help each other out. We're all here for the same reason. Ideally we're a community that can come together to help facilitate these kinds of things.

 

[luvgirlsfeet]

That’s a great idea. It’s important to see her safety is ensured

 

[duderino84]

I think what OP is describing is "friends". Believe it or not, when I talk to someone new who really doesn't mind what I like, it kind of freaks me out. Mostly because I'm very low on friends.