When I really examine the whole picture.... between the problems getting clients at Aflac, and the abuse I take from Keith, as well as the ongoing abuse from my father.. that will never end, unless I either unexpectedly get a big client to be able to untie from him, or something happens to me,.. I realize now that even with all New York has to offer.. I was happier in Lancaster than I am here.
In Lancaster, while my mom lived under constant threat from the scumbag that he was going to cut her alimony off, and put her in the street, she and I had each other, and we had cherished memories together. Long talks in our home, meals out, movies, local trips to places. She was always supportive and loving to me. I will cherish those memories forever.
Except for my having to talk to him, because he committed to pay my rent.. what memories do.. or will.,. I have with my father.. currently.. or even. in.. 25 years from now.. when he';s not here.
We have.,. one hour meals, during most of which he either brings up my dead mother, or berates me.
I'm summoned to,,. family parties, and events, with his extended family, or his real children.. to watch his real life.. all of which he built before having a relationship with me, even though he says I have "No right to feel this way". Only he, Cheryl, and those he deems fit, have "Rights".
For those that are thinking. "He'll treat you better when you have a job". No. Bullshit. I've done everything he wanted. He wanted me to have a position with a company, which I do. He wanted me to attend speech therapy.. I do. He wanted me to "Go to the gym". I do all those things, and he;'s still a miserable abusive prick.
My aunt the artist, was unfortunately in an abusive marriage for several years, that she recently got out of. She said it best. "Abusers don't need a reason.. They just abuse, for no reason, to let out their anger".
Case in point, when my family lived together in CT during my childhood years, my father would explode at my mom, call her the worst names.. and put her down, if she bought the wrong kind of trash bags.
Even in a worst case scenario, if none of the clients I'm working on sign. A distinct possibility with my luck. I'm forced to leave Aflac, and I get a "Full time minimum wage job". Even if I continue "The gym", and say nothing as his extended family abuses me, the abuse from him will continue.
I believe there are two reasons for this. One.. He knows he can do, and get away with, anything he wants with me, because he has no legal obligation to do anything for me, and.. if he so chooses to.. or.. if I get angry at him, he can throw me out of here at any time.
Two, I'm a reminder of my mom. He knows how much I loved my mom, and how much she loved me. I can honestly say that as I look back on my 42 year relationship with her, she never did anything intentionally to hurt me, harm me, or make me feel badly about myself. I've posted about my behavior to her, much of which I regret, and one of the reasons I believe she was taken away from me. Not only was I not nice to her when she was undergoing her cancer treatment in NJ, but.. many times during my estrangement from my father.. I would rant on about what he did to me, and.. not consider her feelings.
It doesn't matter that I post this now,., it was a long time ago.. but.
My mom told me that in the 1980s, when we lived in CT, there were nights she felt so beaten down by his abuse, that she would drive her car to the town train station, and want to throw herself under a train. She said she never did, because she didn't want to leave me with him. Having been the recipient of his abuse on a regular basis over the past 2 plus years, I understand her feelings 100%.
If it was possible for me to get the mega clients that Aflac wants, myself, and not have to rely on contacts of his, and I could support this place myself,.. I'd love to sit my father down, pay him off every penny he laid out for me, and then say "You've treated me horribly, we cant stand each other. Write me a list of the pros and cons of why we should, and shouldn't stay together". My guess. there are many more reasons not to stay together than to stay together. I was estranged from him for a total of.. about 18 years from 1989 to 2012. I saw him for four years from 2000 to 2004, and then during the year just before my mom got sick, for some months. That's it. Besides those times, and a couple of other scattered instances, which lasted a month or two here or there, we were basically strangers for 20 years.. until 2012.
I'm going to have to make the best of it. He really gave me a horrible time yesterday. Hopefully, in a couple of days, I will shake it off, and be able to focus again. I don't see this ever getting any better, even if/when I get a "job". As I said before, even after that, he will still be abusive. Abusers don't need a reason. I'm his target, like a bully who abuses a weaker person at school, and I have no real way to fight back, which would be to tell him to go fuck himself. Since I cant do that, I'm going to have to suck it up, take each incident as it comes, and, when the time comes that he is no longer here, my memories of him will be as a benefactor who didn't give a fuck about me for 20 plus years, then paid my rent under his conditions, and abused me at will, whenever he saw fit, and took no responsibility for his actions whatsoever, justifying not only himself, but also those in his miserable family who abused me.
In Lancaster, while my mom lived under constant threat from the scumbag that he was going to cut her alimony off, and put her in the street, she and I had each other, and we had cherished memories together. Long talks in our home, meals out, movies, local trips to places. She was always supportive and loving to me. I will cherish those memories forever.
Except for my having to talk to him, because he committed to pay my rent.. what memories do.. or will.,. I have with my father.. currently.. or even. in.. 25 years from now.. when he';s not here.
We have.,. one hour meals, during most of which he either brings up my dead mother, or berates me.
I'm summoned to,,. family parties, and events, with his extended family, or his real children.. to watch his real life.. all of which he built before having a relationship with me, even though he says I have "No right to feel this way". Only he, Cheryl, and those he deems fit, have "Rights".
For those that are thinking. "He'll treat you better when you have a job". No. Bullshit. I've done everything he wanted. He wanted me to have a position with a company, which I do. He wanted me to attend speech therapy.. I do. He wanted me to "Go to the gym". I do all those things, and he;'s still a miserable abusive prick.
My aunt the artist, was unfortunately in an abusive marriage for several years, that she recently got out of. She said it best. "Abusers don't need a reason.. They just abuse, for no reason, to let out their anger".
Case in point, when my family lived together in CT during my childhood years, my father would explode at my mom, call her the worst names.. and put her down, if she bought the wrong kind of trash bags.
Even in a worst case scenario, if none of the clients I'm working on sign. A distinct possibility with my luck. I'm forced to leave Aflac, and I get a "Full time minimum wage job". Even if I continue "The gym", and say nothing as his extended family abuses me, the abuse from him will continue.
I believe there are two reasons for this. One.. He knows he can do, and get away with, anything he wants with me, because he has no legal obligation to do anything for me, and.. if he so chooses to.. or.. if I get angry at him, he can throw me out of here at any time.
Two, I'm a reminder of my mom. He knows how much I loved my mom, and how much she loved me. I can honestly say that as I look back on my 42 year relationship with her, she never did anything intentionally to hurt me, harm me, or make me feel badly about myself. I've posted about my behavior to her, much of which I regret, and one of the reasons I believe she was taken away from me. Not only was I not nice to her when she was undergoing her cancer treatment in NJ, but.. many times during my estrangement from my father.. I would rant on about what he did to me, and.. not consider her feelings.
It doesn't matter that I post this now,., it was a long time ago.. but.
My mom told me that in the 1980s, when we lived in CT, there were nights she felt so beaten down by his abuse, that she would drive her car to the town train station, and want to throw herself under a train. She said she never did, because she didn't want to leave me with him. Having been the recipient of his abuse on a regular basis over the past 2 plus years, I understand her feelings 100%.
If it was possible for me to get the mega clients that Aflac wants, myself, and not have to rely on contacts of his, and I could support this place myself,.. I'd love to sit my father down, pay him off every penny he laid out for me, and then say "You've treated me horribly, we cant stand each other. Write me a list of the pros and cons of why we should, and shouldn't stay together". My guess. there are many more reasons not to stay together than to stay together. I was estranged from him for a total of.. about 18 years from 1989 to 2012. I saw him for four years from 2000 to 2004, and then during the year just before my mom got sick, for some months. That's it. Besides those times, and a couple of other scattered instances, which lasted a month or two here or there, we were basically strangers for 20 years.. until 2012.
I'm going to have to make the best of it. He really gave me a horrible time yesterday. Hopefully, in a couple of days, I will shake it off, and be able to focus again. I don't see this ever getting any better, even if/when I get a "job". As I said before, even after that, he will still be abusive. Abusers don't need a reason. I'm his target, like a bully who abuses a weaker person at school, and I have no real way to fight back, which would be to tell him to go fuck himself. Since I cant do that, I'm going to have to suck it up, take each incident as it comes, and, when the time comes that he is no longer here, my memories of him will be as a benefactor who didn't give a fuck about me for 20 plus years, then paid my rent under his conditions, and abused me at will, whenever he saw fit, and took no responsibility for his actions whatsoever, justifying not only himself, but also those in his miserable family who abused me.
