So, thought I'd finally take advantage of this "blog" feature we have now. I've been spewing enough of my learned opinions on this and that in the General Discussion forum, but I thought there should be a special place for my avid fans to come and listen to me, up close and personal. This is for all of you. 🙂
One of the things I'm going to give you here is my take on the worst movies I see, as they come out (not the good ones; it's more fun to tear something down than build it up). I thought I'd start with that new Michael Mann flick, Public Enemies.
Now, before I trash this film, you should know that I like Michael Mann. He knows how to direct action movies. He's the only director in Hollywood who gives a damn about making his gunfights look and sound like actual gunfights. He makes his actors train with the real weapons they're supposed to use. That's important.
But you can't make Heat for the rest of your life. This movie looked and sounded like a Michael Mann film, but I felt like he was just phoning it in. There was no creativity, just the same formula he's been using since 1995.
And if he's going to do that, then I think he should really hire me to write his next screenplay. I think I've pretty much got it figured out:
---
We'll call it "Dangerous Men." It's simple, it catches the eye, doesn't give anything about the plot away.
The story is totally original: a cat and mouse saga between a cop and a bank robber. Oh, we've done bank robber? A couple times? And a hit man? Okay, this time he'll be a kidnapper. See? Totally original.
We'll get a really big name to be the bank robber (er, kidnapper); the only catch is he has to be capable of really, really stiff acting. Say, Brad Pitt. Throw some money at him, he'll do it.
The cop should also be a big name. Let's get Edward Norton, I've always liked him. He's the cinematic equivalent of melba toast, which is exactly what we need. This character will have no personality whatsoever. If Edward insists on his character having some distinguishing trait, we'll let him yell his lines sometimes.
All characters will speak in short, clipped sentences, punctuated by technical jargon. All the bad guys will ever talk about is their next crime; all the good guys will ever talk about is catching the bad guys. No one will have any life besides their jobs.
Brad will have one sympathetic character trait; we'll show that he has trouble relating to people on an intimate level. We'll partially show this by having him commit a few brutal murders without a hint of remorse, but we'll show it in other ways too.
We'll introduce a love interest, just so no one gets the idea that this man who spends all his time in the company of other men might be gay. She will have no character of her own; she'll just be totally, unquestioningly devoted to our criminal, willing to give up everything just to be with him. Brad will be somewhat fond of her as well.
The gunfights will look incredibly gritty and realistic, with lots of close ups of firing weapons, loud noises, reloading, brutal violence, the whole nine yards. At some point, someone must say "Get clean shots, watch your background." It is absolutely essential. We'll inject one gunfight every hour and a half or so, or else the movie might get slow.
The kidnappers will be preparing for for one big, final score, so they can retire from a life of crime. The cops will be tipped off about this score from a throwaway character we introduced way back in the first act, making the audience wonder why we spent so much screen time focusing on their investigation if that was going to be the clincher.
When it comes time for Edward to gun down Brad, we'll actually use the fact that our other gunfights looked sweet to give an extra "fuck you" to the audience, because this one will be totally lame in comparison. We'll use a lot of slow motion, some wistful music, just a couple well placed shots and hardly any blood, and down goes Brad.
---
So Michael, whatdaya think? When do we start shooting? 🙂
Anyway, there you have my first blog entry. Hope you had as much fun reading it as I had writing it. 🙂
One of the things I'm going to give you here is my take on the worst movies I see, as they come out (not the good ones; it's more fun to tear something down than build it up). I thought I'd start with that new Michael Mann flick, Public Enemies.
Now, before I trash this film, you should know that I like Michael Mann. He knows how to direct action movies. He's the only director in Hollywood who gives a damn about making his gunfights look and sound like actual gunfights. He makes his actors train with the real weapons they're supposed to use. That's important.
But you can't make Heat for the rest of your life. This movie looked and sounded like a Michael Mann film, but I felt like he was just phoning it in. There was no creativity, just the same formula he's been using since 1995.
And if he's going to do that, then I think he should really hire me to write his next screenplay. I think I've pretty much got it figured out:
---
We'll call it "Dangerous Men." It's simple, it catches the eye, doesn't give anything about the plot away.
The story is totally original: a cat and mouse saga between a cop and a bank robber. Oh, we've done bank robber? A couple times? And a hit man? Okay, this time he'll be a kidnapper. See? Totally original.
We'll get a really big name to be the bank robber (er, kidnapper); the only catch is he has to be capable of really, really stiff acting. Say, Brad Pitt. Throw some money at him, he'll do it.
The cop should also be a big name. Let's get Edward Norton, I've always liked him. He's the cinematic equivalent of melba toast, which is exactly what we need. This character will have no personality whatsoever. If Edward insists on his character having some distinguishing trait, we'll let him yell his lines sometimes.
All characters will speak in short, clipped sentences, punctuated by technical jargon. All the bad guys will ever talk about is their next crime; all the good guys will ever talk about is catching the bad guys. No one will have any life besides their jobs.
Brad will have one sympathetic character trait; we'll show that he has trouble relating to people on an intimate level. We'll partially show this by having him commit a few brutal murders without a hint of remorse, but we'll show it in other ways too.
We'll introduce a love interest, just so no one gets the idea that this man who spends all his time in the company of other men might be gay. She will have no character of her own; she'll just be totally, unquestioningly devoted to our criminal, willing to give up everything just to be with him. Brad will be somewhat fond of her as well.
The gunfights will look incredibly gritty and realistic, with lots of close ups of firing weapons, loud noises, reloading, brutal violence, the whole nine yards. At some point, someone must say "Get clean shots, watch your background." It is absolutely essential. We'll inject one gunfight every hour and a half or so, or else the movie might get slow.
The kidnappers will be preparing for for one big, final score, so they can retire from a life of crime. The cops will be tipped off about this score from a throwaway character we introduced way back in the first act, making the audience wonder why we spent so much screen time focusing on their investigation if that was going to be the clincher.
When it comes time for Edward to gun down Brad, we'll actually use the fact that our other gunfights looked sweet to give an extra "fuck you" to the audience, because this one will be totally lame in comparison. We'll use a lot of slow motion, some wistful music, just a couple well placed shots and hardly any blood, and down goes Brad.
---
So Michael, whatdaya think? When do we start shooting? 🙂
Anyway, there you have my first blog entry. Hope you had as much fun reading it as I had writing it. 🙂
