Okay, I just feel like ranting right now and getting it all out of my system.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
Woo. Okay.
I'm tired of being either being a fucking weakling or a stoic strong hardass. I can't find a medium. Its either I'm unable to focus and my emotions override me or I'm completely shut off from my emotions and I show absolutely no emotions at all. At times I feel so empty that I can't stand it.
I'm not cut out for this stress. I don't think I'm able to handle it. Not that many people are able to handle stress in healthy ways, but I'm one of those few that handles it horribly. I'm very selfdestructive.
My Moms in the hospital right now. She is recovering, thank god, but the fact that I'm not able to cure her kills me. She has transversemyelitis and bladder cancer. She's going down hill quick and I'm not sure if I'll be able to take care of her any more. She puts all of the baggage on me, expecting me to always be there for her every whim, and my grandma expects me to do that too, but WHEN CAN I HAVE MY OWN FUCKING LIFE? God! I just want to be able to be a normal kid! I never hung out with friends at highschool because I was too afraid of leaving her alone. I sat at home every night at the table with her, reading a book, waiting for her to say she needed something. And on the rare occassion that I did go out with friends I would feel so guilty that I couldn't enjoy myself.
I feel like such a whiny bitch but I don't give a fuck. I need to complain. I need to get this out before I explode.
And get this? Im almost twenty AND MY MOM DOESNT THINK IM ABLE TO DO A FUCKING DAMN THING. She doesn't think I should get a job or a drivers liscence. That would mean me being independant! Oh no! How horrible! I would be away from her and she wouldn't be able to control me! Did I mention that she won't even let me cut my hair? She has so much control over me that its ridiculous. And the fact that I let her control me makes me sick.
I feel horrible about talking about her this way. My mother is a wonderful person, and I would die for her, but where do I draw the line?
I just hope she gets better and we can work all this out. I need to get a job, a drivers liscence, and move the hell out of that hell hole. Being around depressed people only makes you depressed, its true! And lord knows that I don't need to be any more depressed.
But I refuse to be depressed on here. Everyone makes me so happy <3 I've made some really good friends so far! And my grams wonders why I'm on my comp so much lol. Its to escape my every day life!
And if youre reading this, and youre Christian, would you light a candle for my mother and keep her in your prayers? Her name is Denise and while she may have her faults, she is a great person and unconditionally loves me. I love her too, no matter what.
And now my rant is done.
I leave you with this because I always leave on a funny note:
I WAS ALMOST EATEN BY A HOARD OF ZOMBIES AND HAVE BEEN HIDING OUT IN CAVES FOR...