''Take all that I believe in,give it a simple name.Reveal all my secrets,and drown me in the shame.'' I wasn't going to post until tomorrow night but I had a change of plans. I've come to realization that coffee to me,is like nitrous oxide to a sports car. I got two xl coffees today and one I couldn't even finish. When I get coffee I usually get the flavored kind,french vanilla to be exact.I don't what happened today,I think the person preparing it fell asleep with their finger on the vanilla dispenser. That thing tasted like straight vanilla syrup. After that,it may be back to the unflavored for me as I have developed a greater appreciation for coffee in it's purest form.
Over the last couple weeks and in my last few posts I felt a whole lot of misplaced emotion coming through. Shortly after,this past Sunday to be exact,I had a very vivid dream.I mentioned reading a book on dreams and coincidence and trying to incorporate it's philosophies into everyday life. I always knew that there was insight to be taken from dreams but never really thought too much into it. In my dream, I was at my old place of employment,with a dude that worked there as well,and it was out of business. The building was there, but it was shutdown,empty,lights off and it couldn't have been more clear. It was clearly trying to get through the point that those days are over,you know. I'm aware that I've been carrying a lot of baggage from those years despite the fact that in a sense they're over.
Back then,everyday was just a murderous rage of frusteration and over time I became conditioned to it. Waking up miserable every morning,pissed off all day long and it was just a horrible way to live.It was a lot of difficult,frusterating years and I placed a great emphasis on eventually accomplishing what I had set out to do and moving on. Things ended badly and abruptly and I never had the chance to let go of it all.Here now,I'm still carrying all those years,the frusteration,the tension,the bad attitude that developed over time,it's all still with me. The only way I can describe it is that it all kinda became intertwined with the injuries. At the time,from one perspective,it was the perfect storm of bad luck,it was absolute precision timing. I don't need to go into all but all that shit that built up and ultimately became embodied in the chronic physical pain,which apparently isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I don't how to let go of it,it's stuck there and I've been well aware of it but I don't have a solution.
Now that emotions, which have been buried for so long are starting to resurface,I felt all of that bullshit coming back through,the stuff I never let go of.There was just never any real closure to those years. I'm looking at new job possibilities with a shitty outlook and it's the wrong mindset.I'm going to make it a point to not dedicate this whole post to the mental turmoil that has become my mind but I need to clear the log jam in my brain. Somewhere along the way,I developed a prepare for the worst mentality. I don't know,I just expect everything to turn it to a full on,bloody battle. As much as I want to be positive,I guess I don't believe it anymore but I'm working on it. I have to attribute it to the life I've lived thus far. Somehow the choices I make,or better,that I've made,more often that not have led my down a difficult path. Time and time again things go wrong and I'm fuckin' sick of it .I feel a rant coming on and that coffee is only going to fuel it...lol...but it's needed because it's taken me a while to figure some of this shit out and I'm trying to change directions in life here.
First off,I can no longer be as hard on myself as I have always been.I've acknowledged it as a problem and it's gotta change.I work too fuckin' hard and invest too much into things to constantly kick myself in teeth. Nothing's ever good enough,whether it falls to shit or if I do what I gotta. I can bust my ass and achieve something,instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment,I just kick myself in the face to do more.Nobody can live like that,it doesn't even fuckin' make sense. I think it's discontent,that's what I've come to gather.It's not going to happen overnight but I need to really become content with myself . There's no reason for this mindset and way of thinking and quite honestly it's nothing but self destructive and ultimately that's what it's been. As much as I hate to admit,this way of thinking is actually pretty deeply ingrained in my psyche but I'm going to work on it.
Secondly,I need to think more positively but even moreso I need to really believe it. Sitting right here,right now,I don't believe anything good can happen. I cannot realistically envision living a happy life and that's just plain fuckin' horrible.What an awful way to look at life,it really is.The path I've taken up until now and the outcomes of various choices have decimated the positive outlook I used to have,it doesn't even exist anymore.The chronic pain I gotta lug through life now is enough of a pain in the ass.Actually that's literal,I got nerve pain shootin' down through my rear end....lol...But really,the pain is a downer enough and I don't need the shitty outlook anymore.Hopefully I'll be working soon and back out in society and a bad attitude is only going to complicate life and things are going to be difficult enough as it is.I have a very eclectic personality and that in itself is a handful for any that's around me enough.You add a bad attitude to that and it's too much for people to handle and it'll never work.Workin' on cars was different and in that environment it's better tolerated,everybody is fuckin' nuts in there.That's just a whole other way of living and quite frankly it's fuckin' crazy and looking back now it kinda grows on ya.
Anyway,I have all the tools to succeed at whatever I choose to do.And I don't know how I define success,I don't know right now but it's just a matter of getting going in a positive direction.I have so much pent up fuckin' rage and misplaced emotion from all the shit that's gone wrong,all the seemingly wasted effort,the heart, that if I can gain momentum and project that energy in a positive motion it's gonna be damn hard to stop that bullet.I know I wouldn't want to get in the fuckin' way of it.In working towards this new life,becoming a positive influence to the world and the people that matter is what matters most really.I used to be that way and I had a lot offer but somewhere along the way I got fucked up.I got in a bad way of thinking and it clouded my vision of everything around me and resulted in complete devastation.I took a career path as an opportunity to learn and to make a better life for me and possibly someone else and in the end it turned out to be a disaster.
I've been living in a fog of pain and misery and the result has been absolute confusion in my brain.WTF?..lol...I met up with my job coach today and this other dude and I don't know.At times they had some perplexed looks on their faces.They had looks like,''this guy clearly has some intelligence but he might also be completely insane''....LMAO!...I don't what to expect when I get back into the ''real world'' but I just want to have fun with it. Like that dream portrayed,times have changed and better times are possible,all things considered. That hardnosed,gritty life and upbringing will always be a part of me but as hard as it might be to imagine,I don't have to face every situation in life with that mindset.With that said,it's a valuable asset to have in your back pocket.
On a different note,after creating my first video displaying some of my photograpy,I was eager to do another and did so.I have really taken to the art of photography and look forward to the opportunity to continue it in the future.It's brought out a creative streak in me and I look forward to expanding that to other facets of my life. I went back and forth when putting this one together, but in the end I was happy with the outcome.I used a song that has been with me for quite some time and one that carries a great deal of significance.It's a rather somber song,and ironically and fittingly, it's from an album entitled'' Somber Eyes to the Sky''.
.......You know,I just uploaded this thing and now I can't choose a thumbnail,they're all coming up blank.Are you serious?...lol.....again with the thumbnails.
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I posted this by accident prematurely and was going to write more but will do so in the coming days.I'll close this with a hauntingly fantastic song and video featruing Nox Arcana,
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Over the last couple weeks and in my last few posts I felt a whole lot of misplaced emotion coming through. Shortly after,this past Sunday to be exact,I had a very vivid dream.I mentioned reading a book on dreams and coincidence and trying to incorporate it's philosophies into everyday life. I always knew that there was insight to be taken from dreams but never really thought too much into it. In my dream, I was at my old place of employment,with a dude that worked there as well,and it was out of business. The building was there, but it was shutdown,empty,lights off and it couldn't have been more clear. It was clearly trying to get through the point that those days are over,you know. I'm aware that I've been carrying a lot of baggage from those years despite the fact that in a sense they're over.
Back then,everyday was just a murderous rage of frusteration and over time I became conditioned to it. Waking up miserable every morning,pissed off all day long and it was just a horrible way to live.It was a lot of difficult,frusterating years and I placed a great emphasis on eventually accomplishing what I had set out to do and moving on. Things ended badly and abruptly and I never had the chance to let go of it all.Here now,I'm still carrying all those years,the frusteration,the tension,the bad attitude that developed over time,it's all still with me. The only way I can describe it is that it all kinda became intertwined with the injuries. At the time,from one perspective,it was the perfect storm of bad luck,it was absolute precision timing. I don't need to go into all but all that shit that built up and ultimately became embodied in the chronic physical pain,which apparently isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I don't how to let go of it,it's stuck there and I've been well aware of it but I don't have a solution.
Now that emotions, which have been buried for so long are starting to resurface,I felt all of that bullshit coming back through,the stuff I never let go of.There was just never any real closure to those years. I'm looking at new job possibilities with a shitty outlook and it's the wrong mindset.I'm going to make it a point to not dedicate this whole post to the mental turmoil that has become my mind but I need to clear the log jam in my brain. Somewhere along the way,I developed a prepare for the worst mentality. I don't know,I just expect everything to turn it to a full on,bloody battle. As much as I want to be positive,I guess I don't believe it anymore but I'm working on it. I have to attribute it to the life I've lived thus far. Somehow the choices I make,or better,that I've made,more often that not have led my down a difficult path. Time and time again things go wrong and I'm fuckin' sick of it .I feel a rant coming on and that coffee is only going to fuel it...lol...but it's needed because it's taken me a while to figure some of this shit out and I'm trying to change directions in life here.
First off,I can no longer be as hard on myself as I have always been.I've acknowledged it as a problem and it's gotta change.I work too fuckin' hard and invest too much into things to constantly kick myself in teeth. Nothing's ever good enough,whether it falls to shit or if I do what I gotta. I can bust my ass and achieve something,instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment,I just kick myself in the face to do more.Nobody can live like that,it doesn't even fuckin' make sense. I think it's discontent,that's what I've come to gather.It's not going to happen overnight but I need to really become content with myself . There's no reason for this mindset and way of thinking and quite honestly it's nothing but self destructive and ultimately that's what it's been. As much as I hate to admit,this way of thinking is actually pretty deeply ingrained in my psyche but I'm going to work on it.
Secondly,I need to think more positively but even moreso I need to really believe it. Sitting right here,right now,I don't believe anything good can happen. I cannot realistically envision living a happy life and that's just plain fuckin' horrible.What an awful way to look at life,it really is.The path I've taken up until now and the outcomes of various choices have decimated the positive outlook I used to have,it doesn't even exist anymore.The chronic pain I gotta lug through life now is enough of a pain in the ass.Actually that's literal,I got nerve pain shootin' down through my rear end....lol...But really,the pain is a downer enough and I don't need the shitty outlook anymore.Hopefully I'll be working soon and back out in society and a bad attitude is only going to complicate life and things are going to be difficult enough as it is.I have a very eclectic personality and that in itself is a handful for any that's around me enough.You add a bad attitude to that and it's too much for people to handle and it'll never work.Workin' on cars was different and in that environment it's better tolerated,everybody is fuckin' nuts in there.That's just a whole other way of living and quite frankly it's fuckin' crazy and looking back now it kinda grows on ya.
Anyway,I have all the tools to succeed at whatever I choose to do.And I don't know how I define success,I don't know right now but it's just a matter of getting going in a positive direction.I have so much pent up fuckin' rage and misplaced emotion from all the shit that's gone wrong,all the seemingly wasted effort,the heart, that if I can gain momentum and project that energy in a positive motion it's gonna be damn hard to stop that bullet.I know I wouldn't want to get in the fuckin' way of it.In working towards this new life,becoming a positive influence to the world and the people that matter is what matters most really.I used to be that way and I had a lot offer but somewhere along the way I got fucked up.I got in a bad way of thinking and it clouded my vision of everything around me and resulted in complete devastation.I took a career path as an opportunity to learn and to make a better life for me and possibly someone else and in the end it turned out to be a disaster.
I've been living in a fog of pain and misery and the result has been absolute confusion in my brain.WTF?..lol...I met up with my job coach today and this other dude and I don't know.At times they had some perplexed looks on their faces.They had looks like,''this guy clearly has some intelligence but he might also be completely insane''....LMAO!...I don't what to expect when I get back into the ''real world'' but I just want to have fun with it. Like that dream portrayed,times have changed and better times are possible,all things considered. That hardnosed,gritty life and upbringing will always be a part of me but as hard as it might be to imagine,I don't have to face every situation in life with that mindset.With that said,it's a valuable asset to have in your back pocket.
On a different note,after creating my first video displaying some of my photograpy,I was eager to do another and did so.I have really taken to the art of photography and look forward to the opportunity to continue it in the future.It's brought out a creative streak in me and I look forward to expanding that to other facets of my life. I went back and forth when putting this one together, but in the end I was happy with the outcome.I used a song that has been with me for quite some time and one that carries a great deal of significance.It's a rather somber song,and ironically and fittingly, it's from an album entitled'' Somber Eyes to the Sky''.
.......You know,I just uploaded this thing and now I can't choose a thumbnail,they're all coming up blank.Are you serious?...lol.....again with the thumbnails.
<object width="560" height="315"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/IaLMIVuMy8U?version=3&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/IaLMIVuMy8U?version=3&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="560" height="315" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object>
I posted this by accident prematurely and was going to write more but will do so in the coming days.I'll close this with a hauntingly fantastic song and video featruing Nox Arcana,
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