The urge to purge has been strong and violent, mesmorizing, brainwashing; it's deadly. I haven't purged since November 08, now I failed. I have on very rare occasion during fits of insane stress and try to avoid it to all costs but sometimes I can't help it. It's one behavior that I have tried to beat out of myself. I think about my delicate stomach and what it's possibly doing to my throat. I think about the act of intentionally putting my face where other people crap, and how inherently disgusting that is. But that doesn't stop me. The thought, however, remains; regardless of all those thoughts. What goes in can come back out in more ways than just one. What makes you fat can be eradicated with just a tad bit of punishment. What frightens you can be removed, all it takes is a finger. Food is comforting. It's like a drug. It causes a brief moment of bliss followed by intense guilt and pain. Purging is cathartic. It feels like healing at the time, no matter the damages.
I didn't for a long time. I hope that I won't again. I just have to keep trying, but it's hard. I always have those shitty days where I look in my mirror and I see the most ugliest thing, me. I see the buldges, the stretch marks, the fat blobs. I'm not skinny I know that, shockingly I don't want to be skinny. I don't want to be fat either, but I am. Thing is, I don't eat a lot, I have been eatting small meals a couple times a day. I exercise daily. Why am I still doing this? The process of digestion and elimination, so normal and barely noticeable to most, becomes frightening and painful for the eating disordered. I genuinely like to eat, but I hate feeling full.
When I eat, this is what goes on in my mind constantly:
What were you thinking? Why did you do it? You will step on the scale tomorrow and cry. Your jeans will be tight. Your face will look bloated and round. Get rid of it. Get rid of it. Erase it. You can, you know. You don't have to pay the price. There's always a way. Make it disappear. Go!
I wish I knew how to look at a sandwich or even just a salad, and see it as just a salad, not what's going to add to the scale later. I don't want to be this way anymore. It has to be put to an end.
I didn't for a long time. I hope that I won't again. I just have to keep trying, but it's hard. I always have those shitty days where I look in my mirror and I see the most ugliest thing, me. I see the buldges, the stretch marks, the fat blobs. I'm not skinny I know that, shockingly I don't want to be skinny. I don't want to be fat either, but I am. Thing is, I don't eat a lot, I have been eatting small meals a couple times a day. I exercise daily. Why am I still doing this? The process of digestion and elimination, so normal and barely noticeable to most, becomes frightening and painful for the eating disordered. I genuinely like to eat, but I hate feeling full.
When I eat, this is what goes on in my mind constantly:
What were you thinking? Why did you do it? You will step on the scale tomorrow and cry. Your jeans will be tight. Your face will look bloated and round. Get rid of it. Get rid of it. Erase it. You can, you know. You don't have to pay the price. There's always a way. Make it disappear. Go!
I wish I knew how to look at a sandwich or even just a salad, and see it as just a salad, not what's going to add to the scale later. I don't want to be this way anymore. It has to be put to an end.
