Can tickling ruin a marriage

[Mitchell]

You mentioned her not trusting you. This, unfortunately, I see as a huge problem. By nature, I'm a very open person. (Sometimes too open, as I have been on this forum at times, to my own detriment).

Personally, I could not remain with a girl who didnt trust me, and who I didnt trust. Certainly, after we knew each other well, and we had been emotionally and physically open with each other,. I would tell her about my foot and tickle fetishes, and my "interest" of liking to see females stand barefoot on ladders. I'm one who believes in compromise. If she wasnt into feet, tickling, or standing on a ladder, at that point I would hope she would be willing to give some. Something like "You can play with my feet sometimes, and tickle me sometimes, and I'll stand barefoot on a stepstool for you, or do a ladder every once in a while". If she absolutely shot me down with everything, and said something like "You can never, ever touch my feet, you can never tickle me, and i wont even consider standing barefoot on even a chair or stool for you". That would signify to me that she had no caring for my desires whatsoever. Certainly her sticking her feet in my face, or allowing me to kiss them lightly, isnt painful or ticklish, etc. I would have to see what compatabilities we had in other ways, and how her whole attitude was toward the fetish things. Theres a long way between a girl saying "I dont want you to tickle me or kiss my feet every day" and.. "You can never tickle me or kiss my feet". The former i would understand. The latter I would resent, and probably not be happy with someone like that.

Those are just my thoughts on this subject.

Mitch

 

[MatrinZachs]

It's a complicated issue and I fear that the confusion is due to the fact that I haven't expressed every nuance of the situation.

In a effort to clarify.

• .She feel that my fetish is a direct transgression against her. Since she has no interest in it.
• .She has no issue with lewd sexual imagery or styles in general (i.e. she watches porn. with me on occasion) She just has a problem with tickling and sex together in any format.
• .She is completely aware of my response to tickling her she just thinks it is unnatural.

I hope this helps in some way to understand my issue. Also I really have come to the conclusion that I am willing to live with this situation if necessary because a little thing like sexually gratification shouldn't be allowed to ruin a perfectly good marriage.

 

[MatrinZachs]

I want you to explain to me why she, as a human being, married or otherwise, is obligated to do anything for you?

Because our definition of marriage is to experiences our lives through joint understanding and shared dependency.
I shouldn't have to look elsewhere for a particular satisfaction (in the bedroom especially) when I am married that just negates the whole monogamist agenda.

It is my view and only a view that in relationship that is meant to be permanent as marriage is that both parties have to be willing to adjust to the needs of the other. When we discussed the number to have we compromised. When we choice what to do after my service with the military ended we compromised. When she desired to further her education with a doctoral degree while I was still pursuing my bachelors we compromised. our marriage has been one long string of mutual beneficial decisions. So Why does the buck stop here? Why is there no give and take in this department?

That is the thing I can't figure out. In every area of our lives we work together but this is like stone wall.

but as I said before it not a deal breaker it's just an annoyance. I really don't want to press the issue. but At the same time I do. It's just what I would like to happen.

 

[MatrinZachs]

I don't know of any ways to make someone start liking tickling, or I'd tell you. (My ex absolutely detested being tickled to the point where she nearly dislocated my jaw with her foot.)

Well that's probably one of the reason she is your ex I imagine.

 

[tkpatience]

I think you've answered your own question.

A marriage can indeed be ruined by tickling or for any other reason.

Whether or not the parties let that happen is a totally separate issue.

I think what some other people were getting at is that your wife's body is her body regardless of situation.

Imagine if you will that your wife had a fetish of watching you vomit when you got wasted. Some people may enjoy getting plastered and vomiting, but I haven't met too many people that enjoy the vomiting part. Assuming you don't like to gag and vomit, it would be your body and your choice of to either appease your spouse or draw a line. She chose to draw the line with tickling the exact way that many people would draw the line if they chose not to appease their mate with their vomiting fetish.

Please don't try to figure out women. It's as useless as them trying to figure men out.

 

[Marquis De Sade]

You know now that I truely think about it. She has some control over the stimulation when we have intercourse. I mean there are times when we have had very passionate love making and she has had to stop even if she hasn't reach orgasm. She just stops. I asked her if she is done and she says that's all she can handle. I not saying it was an physically intense session just a good one if you don't mind me being vague, she say that she didn't orgasm and that she does't need to and go to bed.

Uh. I didn't even know that was possible. If she's close to climaxing she should be somewhere in outer space by then.

Sounds like some deep rooted personal issue about losing control when she's vulnerable.

I see your point but she does have a problem with my fetish. She see my continued interest in a activity that she wishes not to be a part of as a act of dare I say adultery. In fact I am certain she sees my time spent indulging my fetish (through videos, stories mind you I do not go out and tickle other women) as an affair of the heart.

It is an affair of the heart. Of sorts. But she needs to realize that sex is a HUGE part of any relationship and if you're not getting what you need from HER then...

You see where I'm going with this?

It's a complicated issue and I fear that the confusion is due to the fact that I haven't expressed every nuance of the situation.

In a effort to clarify.

• .She feel that my fetish is a direct transgression against her. Since she has no interest in it.
• .She has no issue with lewd sexual imagery or styles in general (i.e. she watches porn. with me on occasion) She just has a problem with tickling and sex together in any format.
• .She is completely aware of my response to tickling her she just thinks it is unnatural.

I hope this helps in some way to understand my issue. Also I really have come to the conclusion that I am willing to live with this situation if necessary because a little thing like sexually gratification shouldn't be allowed to ruin a perfectly good marriage.

So, in short. You married a near vanilla. That sucks and I'm sorry. I'm sure she has her reasons for not wanting to mix your specific interest in the bedroom but unless you get from her exactly WHY she's so against it - reasons that seem to go BEYOND tickling, there isn't much you can even discuss with her or us. Feeling like it isn't appropriate, simply saying it's torture for her and she doesn't want to participate aren't actual reasons. Not much you can do but sit down with her, talk it out and go from there.

If it's important to you, you're totally in the right for feeling a little shut down by her with no compromise.

 

[MatrinZachs]

Well that's really the jest of it. But hey I can work with this maybe after a little time and delicate presentation of my point I can get her so see that there is no "danger" in indulging this. But hey at least you guys have made me see there is not just my one sided view of this issue.

I really was being an insensitive jerk in my early posts. I blame it on sexual frustration but That's rally no excuse. So thank you.

 

[MatrinZachs]

I think you've answered your own question.

A marriage can indeed be ruined by tickling or for any other reason.

Whether or not the parties let that happen is a totally separate issue.

I think what some other people were getting at is that your wife's body is her body regardless of situation.

Imagine if you will that your wife had a fetish of watching you vomit when you got wasted. Some people may enjoy getting plastered and vomiting, but I haven't met too many people that enjoy the vomiting part. Assuming you don't like to gag and vomit, it would be your body and your choice of to either appease your spouse or draw a line. She chose to draw the line with tickling the exact way that many people would draw the line if they chose not to appease their mate with their vomiting fetish.

Please don't try to figure out women. It's as useless as them trying to figure men out.

Your graphic representation further instills how one sided my thinking was. As I said I agree There is no logical reason for me to expect my wife to participate in this activity. It's just that I like it and would like to be able to share yet one more thing with her. But you can't share everything I guess. And this may just be one of those private things.

and Marquis De Sade I believe that there is some deeper untold story that I am not getting but That is really going to take time to uncover.

 

[Leo tickles]

You have told so many different stories here, so let me cover some.

She doesn't trust you: I'd worry more about saving your marriage than tickling your wife.

You both live in a codependency marriage: And this is why codependency is bad. When one disagrees, the other gets butthurt and this shit happens.

She hates tickling: You've been married for 7 years and this is news?N And if it isn't news, why is it a problem now? Because she let you tickle her before? What changed? What?

Women: A mystery to men as men are to women. Stop trying to figure out answers. Let her give you some.

 

[ElFewja]

I want to call attention to a few points that have been neglected so far:

You only just discovered your interest in tickling so I can understand that this situation came about. Normally, if someone found something so important and they were denied that, then they wouldn't have gotten this far. But, you just discovered it. So my question is then why is it so important?

I keep seeing the "she doesn't trust me" statement thrown around. Why do you think this? Do you have evidence of this?

I've seen that you're only trying to accommodate for this specifically in the bedroom and that you're also neglecting to mention how far you go with the tickling. Have you spoken to her about this outside of the bedroom? I've found that easing individuals into tickling works best. I don't agree with the statement that you can't teach someone to like something that they don't enjoy, but you do have to find a balance if it will work at all (and I don't guarantee that it will). But it has to be something that she's willing to try, not something you force on her. There are pleasurable aspects to receiving tickling and, to discover those, you have to focus on her more than yourself. Moving really, really slowly with it, staying within her comfort zone, associating tickling with other erotic acts. It takes a fairly long time to accomplish but so long as the second party is willing to work with you (and you work with her rather than for yourself) I think it's doable. In this situation, I don't know.

But, off of that.. I'm not really sure what to say. You seem to think a lot of things about this relationship but haven't divulged much reasoning behind it, so I'm not necessarily sure if you're right or if you're seeing something that isn't necessarily there.

But, I think beyond anything else, I don't understand why you're talking with a bunch of random strangers about something that you should bring up with your wife. If she's not really willing to work with you on it, not necessarily to please you but to enjoy in an act with you, then that is that. But I'm not convinced that you've necessarily made that attempt yet.

 

[MatrinZachs]

Fair enough there are factors if you wish to call them such that I am not willing to get into. I didn't expect such a in dept interest in this type of post since this was one of my first times posting out side of a few bad stories. I couldn't possible give you every single piece of information. If I had all of it organized I probably wouldn't have posted in on the site, I would have just fixed it myself. In all honesty I don't need you all to fix my situation. Don't get me wrong just the input you have given me has showed me that I was not approaching the topic in the correct manner.

I think that the real reason I posted this was to be able to have this type of discussion out in the open it's not the type of thing I can discuss with those around me. I have talked with my wife about it but it doesn't seem nearly as productive as this forum post has been for me. So thank you all for your insights.

 

[ElFewja]

Fair enough, I can understand that.

 

[MatrinZachs]

Thank you that means a lots.

 

[ElFewja]

I hope everything works out man .

 

[stockytickler]

Anything can ruin a marriage. Anyone in this forum is going to be sympathetic to compromise (well, except for the bamboo splints comment, which in fact flies very near the mark).

Any couple that's not a clone of each other has to make these compromises and they also have to make decisions. From her perspective, how much danger is the marriage in if you discover a tickletoy while chatting on TMF and arrange to meet? Are there any fantasies of hers that you're simply unwilling to engage in (or can you imagine any she might have that you'd seriously object to?)

Also, you've only got what she's comfortable saying out loud to go by. Her fear might be loss of control. It might be loss of bladder control. It could make her so frightened, trigger memories of abuse, it could be anything at all.

And no YOU'RE not sick for wishing she'd agree. You have a sexual desire you'd like to fulfill with your wife. It's not sick, twisted, dirty, shameful or anything like that. It's actually beautiful. But, for one example, there are guys who are going to go to their grave never having had anal, either, because once it was back there she could never consider letting it back down there.

Or, check that -- never having had anal with their wives. There's pros out there for that and there's pros out there for tickling, too.

She might be willing to go to a club with you and help you pick out a playmate and watch while you satisfy this hunger, and then return with you to your home -- and with any luck not start packing. My suggestion is twofold -- she watches what you want to do and can decide if that's too much for her. And she gets to see what it does for you.

Or if she or you just couldn't countenance that you might just go there on your own. That's a risk she takes. But I wouldn't use a shared credit card.

And if she flat out refuses to compromise with you, you get to decide if the daily tickle fun is enough or if this is the dealbreaker that gets you pulling up stakes, because someday you're going to have built up enough resentment over it -- and the kids will be aware of the toxic hostility between you -- and honestly life's too short to spend it with anyone who leaves you so unfulfilled. Yes, it'd be hard to explain to anyone why the marriage broke up, but "incompatible" and "we wanted different things" are perfectly good code words for "bedroom disaster" and most won't pry further.

And if that seems drastic, I'll refer you to your thread heading -- not tickling could ruin the marriage for you.

Just speaking as someone with a firmly entrenched tickle fetish, the prospect of vanilla sex for the rest of my life simply would not cut it for me and we'd have never made it to the first kid.

Your mileage, of course, may vary. And the very best of luck to you both.

 

[Marquis De Sade]

I believe that there is some deeper untold story that I am not getting but That is really going to take time to uncover.

If it helps her get past something she's afraid of that might even affect other areas of her life, the time put in will be worth it for both of you, and not just in the bedroom.

Best of luck.

 

[MatrinZachs]

Yeah I think not tickling could be a problem. I have really no desire to fulfill these desires with anyone else. I married my wife when tickling was just an interest. now it has become a borderline obsession. I think that it will not be an issue if it was just laid to rest but at the same time i would just like to do it. Have you ever learned something about yourself that you wished you didn't know? Just so your own life would be simpler

 

[stockytickler]

Dude, I'm right now still coming to terms with the fact that I'm bi. I've absolutely learned stuff about myself it'd have been way easier to keep ignoring. But there are aspects of human neurobiology that are hardwired (an arrow through the arm hurts) and aspects that are fluid (Babe, I just discovered I'm really turned on by pain when you shot that arrow through my arm!)

It seems to me that sexuality -- especially when in my case it's skating around somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale) is fluid, and some latent desire is pushing itself to the forefront. A man in a seven-year marriage with four kids might feel situationally trapped and knowing this is something she could never abide it's manifesting as an obsession to force an ultimatum which would allow you to flee and justify it as her fault (in saying all of this I am not a licensed psychoanalyst, btw -- felt I needed to make that very clear, this is all lay speculation based on a quick glance at half this thread).

It does sound a bit more like midlife crisis, but in what way would that diminish the reality of the situation? The obsession may be recent, it may be instinct, but whatever it is it's no less real. So you still have decisions to make. If you leave, thus reducing your stress and start missing your home and your kids, if you needed to, could you rebuild that trust?

In fact, these are exactly the kinds of things you should bring up with a sex therapist. They've heard /everything/ and if you can't get her to join you in the interests of helping to save the marriage, that in itself is indicative, and you should totally still go yourself to explore whether there's anything else beneath the recent intensity of these desires.

Again, all the best. It sounds like you're going through a hell of a time.

 

[MatrinZachs]

I never thought of reaching a mid life crisis at 28. but it very well could be. As far as seeking liscenced professional help I think some real good can come of that. I know I would benefit from that. Maybe my wife would benefit too.

 

[ChicagoDavid]

You could pull back from the bedroom for a little while -- a way of politely emphasizing that this is important to you, limits your ability to enjoy yourself, and if the result is it limits her ability to enjoy herself, hey, she’s okay with that happening to you so why shouldn’t you be ok with that happening to her? Maybe that’s an “immature” approach. But it could get a good discussion going.

 

[Wolf]

You could pull back from the bedroom for a little while -- a way of politely emphasizing that this is important to you, limits your ability to enjoy yourself, and if the result is it limits her ability to enjoy herself, hey, she’s okay with that happening to you so why shouldn’t you be ok with that happening to her? Maybe that’s an “immature” approach. But it could get a good discussion going.

When has throwing a tantrum (albeit a silent one) ever resulted in getting a "good discussion" going?

 

[carol8961]

I was in a relationship with a man for 19 months who hated that I was ticklish and would never oblige me. I started to resent him. If it is something you really like and she is not willing to oblige you (and it is horrible to force someone to do something they really hate), then you may start to resent her too. I am glad I was not married and could walk away. I really want tickling in my life and that is the man I am looking for now. You are different, you are married so it isn't that easy to walk away. If you love her and she really hates being tickled, then you have to respect that. If you need to get some tickling on the side once in a while, maybe that might help. It'll help with your need for it and make you a more happy camper at home. Something to think about, I guess.

 

[rhiannon]

If you need to get some tickling on the side once in a while, maybe that might help.

Carol, you might want to read the stuff he writes!

Martin, have you ever considered giving her a safeword? From what you were saying, it sounded like she doesn't like the "being defenseless"-part. The safeword would give her a defense. Honestly together with her stopping in the middle of passionate sex and saying that's all the can handle makes me think she's been through some kind of trauma.

 

[Wolf]

If you need to get some tickling on the side once in a while, maybe that might help. It'll help with your need for it and make you a more happy camper at home. Something to think about, I guess.

So, by the same standard, if his wife wants to go "get some on the side"... say, with a guy who's just into vanilla sex, and doesn't keep trying to tickle her during sex, which is the only time she's not okay with it....that'd be all right, then?

 

[MatrinZachs]

The safe word may help.