Can tickling ruin a marriage

[WheresThe Clip?]

The first problem is that you have been together 7 years and she has known about your tickling fetish for 2. So obviously that wasn't the first 2 years then. In a way I think you have both been a bit deceitful with each other at the beginning, and this is now the outcome.

So you have to face the fact she is never going to like it (which is of course her right). Also from what you are saying she doesn't sound like she would turn a blind eye to you looking for an outlet anywhere else (whether through the TMF or something where money changes hands). Therefore unfortunately you will have to decide is the rest of your life with her (and your children) more or less important than your tickling fetish and then absolutely choose one or the other.

 

[Marquis De Sade]

The first problem is that you have been together 7 years and she has known about your tickling fetish for 2. So obviously that wasn't the first 2 years then. In a way I think you have both been a bit deceitful with each other at the beginning, and this is now the outcome.

So you have to face the fact she is never going to like it (which is of course her right). Also from what you are saying she doesn't sound like she would turn a blind eye to you looking for an outlet anywhere else (whether through the TMF or something where money changes hands). Therefore unfortunately you will have to decide is the rest of your life with her (and your children) more or less important than your tickling fetish and then absolutely choose one or the other.

QFTW.

 

[mabus]

I'm going to agree with the majority of the posters here:

How DARE you seek sexual enjoyment, gratification and fulfillment in your marriage?!!!

What the fucks the matter with you, you controlling inconsiderate asshole?!!! I mean, REALLY!!!!!!
You need to spend your married days being scolded, and told "how things are gonna be!"

What the hell is this "I want to be "happy" crap?

You tell me why your wife should TRY to satisfy you in bed....asshole!
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JUSSSSTTTTT.............KIIIDDINGGG!!!!!!

I had to throw some humor in there to lighten up all the butt chewing you've been getting.

I'm going to totally side with your emotions here. Hell, I'll be extreme and say "Get a divorce." And tell her why. And then make it ugly.

But hopefully it all works out. This almost sounds like my marriage. My ex-wife was profoundly controlling, had serious control issues.
But damn, I could still tickle her every now and then! (She wasn't that ticklish.)

I think you may subconsciously are seeing the truth, that your wife has serious control issues, and maybe some narcissism there too.

The safe word thing is a great idea. If she refuses, you got problems.

I have my own questions:
-Do you make HER happy in bed?
-Does she make an effort to make YOU happy in bed?

A relationship is about compromise, but the best are not 50/50, it's 100/100. Both people can be totally happy, not just half way.

I use the clown fetish as a perfect example, ....because it's ridiculous. But if I found a hot girl, who was totally in love with me, I was totally in love with her, she was my perfect woman
.......but she had a clown fetish! She wanted me, her, both of us to dress up like clown, or some variation of that.

If she really, REALLY was attracted to me and wanted to marry me and love me forever......YEAH, I COULD WORK THIS OUT!
Most guys would be an asshole, or basically, focused on themselves, and say "I ain't dressing up as no fucking clown!"

...but I'd stop and say, "hmmm. I love pantyhose or stockings. I love tickling a girl in pantyhose or stockings. There's a lot of other things I love also, but those are the biggest.
If she wants to dress up as a clown, or wants me to in some way, fine, but she has to wear stockings that I like, and let me tickle her."

If she says "Hell yeah!!! Great!" and even runs off and puts on stockings right there,.......we're both off to a happy marriage and decades of white hot sex.

If she says "Hell no," I'll say, "Okay, fair is fair, ...I ain't dressing up as no fucking clown!"

At some point you have to ask yourself, "Why should I get to be satisfied? Why shouldn't I get to have a good time? Why is this always about her, and never ME?
Many women who are controlling have mastered the language, just like in politics, "He who controls the language, controls the argument."

She'll use a bunch of psycho babble on you, make you out to be some demented pervert. She'll say a marriage is about filling HER needs, and you "shouldn't be thinking of YOURSELF" all the time!

You should feel like the greatest man on Earth in a marriage. If she makes you feel an inch tall, you have serious problems.
(Obviously, same goes for a woman in a marriage. She should feel like the hottest woman on Earth. That's a great marriage. I've met many women in great marriages, and many in crappy ones.)

I mean, how long do you want to live being in an unsatisfied relationship, with someone who looks at you as having a "problem," just because you like tickling?!

This is the greatest question you need to answer for yourself.

....and to illuminate things further, I HATE being tickled too, honestly.
But If I met that mythical girl who was totally attracted to me, and I was attracted to her......hell yes she could tickle me!
NO, being tickled is not like being stabbed, kicked, or shit on. I mean....really!

 

[solescratcher99]

Never ask for serious advice on an Internet forum.

That being said - let me give you mine.

When you said it bothered you that she didn't trust you I got the hint. If she can trust you with the kids, bills, taxes, etc., then why can't she trust you with this? Either she has severe control issues or she's using you to maintain her imagine of the perfect family for all the neighbors and friends to see. If she loves you as much as you say you love her, then she needs to go to counseling because this little issue is ruining your (by your, I mean yours and your wife's) marriage. Also, she needs to stop gas-lighting you by suggesting that your fantasies are a form of adultery. She obviously doesn't know what the word adultery means.

You're sexual desire isn't going to change but her attitude towards it can.

Also, I suggest you start listening to Dan Savage. He's gay but he's also very straight-male friendly.

 

[MatrinZachs]

To Mabus I couldn't stop laughing when I read your post I mean was so funny. I needed that a lot thanks

To Solescratcher99 I don't think I really was looking for advice not in the tell me what I should do way. I just needed to talk about this with other people. And where else would I turn but this group of crazies here.

To Where'sThe Clip? I didn't know myself that I had a tickle fetish so to speak I always liked tickling but after stumbling across a tickling story in adultsexgames .com site and then finding this one... Well just call in an awakening. So I got into a relation ship without knowing myself. It happens.

 

[King of tickles]

I've known I had this fetish since I was 14, and that was ten years ago. I joined this forum 4 years ago and was absent for a few years. I think deep down you knew what you liked but didn't admit it. I didn't consider this a fetish until I was about 18/19, five years after I realized I love tickling girls. She should've known you like it to some degree and I find it odd that she couldn't tell. Not trying to dis either of you but she has known you for close to ten years right? I'm pretty sure a girl I've been dating for awhile would have found out after the first year if she didn't figure it out already.

 

[solescratcher99]

Oops. It seemed like you were hoping someone would drop a few helpful hints and that people were more than willing to share their advice, so I just went along with the vibe. I didn't know you just wanted to vent.

I forgot how de-contextualized forums were.

 

[24hourphil]

goodnight.

 

[Wolf]

Most importantly, failure to realize that proves a lot of our frustrations are usually due to our expectations.
Which to me, makes that the only thing we can control.
Goodnight.

Book it. Done!
You are wise beyond your years, my good man.

I'll just add one piece of advice for MatrinZachs; I think it's important to be happy, and to try and work out a compromise that's mutually agreeable (after all, marriage should be about both of you being happy), but if you want to follow the "NO COMPROMISES! NO MERCY! GET EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT OR KICK HER ASS TO THE CURB!" line of reasoning, you might want to poll some of those helpful posters about how many of them are actually in a relationship.

Or, just peruse the Personals section of this site (and others like it) to see if you wanna throw your hat in the ring with all the folks who are seeking the same "EXACTLY WHAT I WANT" kinda thing...

P.S. solescratcher99 is right - Dan Savage would be a good source info. You can read his column here - http://www.avclub.com/features/savage-love/

 

[areenactor]

Oh no I don't tie her down. I just like to tickle her in bed. A say compromised be cause she can't control the stimulation when she is being tickled. You know now that I truely think about it. She has some control over the stimulation when we have intercourse. I mean there are times when we have had very passionate love making and she has had to stop even if she hasn't reach orgasm. She just stops. I asked her if she is done and she says that's all she can handle. I not saying it was an physically intense session just a good one if you don't mind me being vague, she say that she didn't orgasm and that she does't need to and go to bed.

When I tickle her she is defencless. Just from messing around I can turn her into a lump of flaring arms and panic driven legs that she can't control.

So I have to wonder now that I say it out loud do I really know how bad it is for my wife to endure this type of treatment?

Am I sick for wanting her to have to go through this (possibly torturous sensation) just for my personal pleasure?

I really thank you all for allowing me to bring this personal issue out it has allowed me to see it from more than my purely self interest prospective.

i am sorry for your situation. your wife has intimacy problems. it is her, not you, and not tickling! she needs to have professional psych help. trust me, i have seen this before.
good luck.
steve

 

[Insidious]

Uh anything can ruin a marriage if you are obsessive about it. Stop over thinking it.

 

[rhiannon]

Did you try the safeword yet?

 

[Sandisk444]

This "loss of control" fear your wife has might be rooted a little deeper than just not liking being tickled. I'm not going to point any fingers at the reason because i'm no psychologist in any way. But you may want to have a discussion with her about it, DO NOT AT ANY POINT MENTION THAT YOU REALLY ONLY WANT TO TICKLE HER. It sounds like you legit love you wife and want to see her enjoying herself while you enjoy yourself but there is something pulling her back. I've honestly never heard of anyone giving up on sex "because it was enough" without there being a rooted reason to that problem. And the fact that she doesn't even breach the subject might mean it's really personal. Now that doesn't mean she doesn't trust you enough to tell you, it might be something she can't tell anyone at all.

But like i said i am no psychologist in any way shape or form. But it sounds like it's all rooted into control, and her fear of losing it. But you did say she let you use handcuff's when you were dating so i may either be completely off or whatever the reason is started after that. But it's something you should discuss with her, don't force your opinions on her, just listen and respect whatever she tells you.

 

[MatrinZachs]

We have not officially tried the safe word yet. I really want to ease into this I believe my initial attempt was just a little heavy handy for lack of a better term. So we are taking it slow there is hope though.

 

[carol8961]

So, by the same standard, if his wife wants to go "get some on the side"... say, with a guy who's just into vanilla sex, and doesn't keep trying to tickle her during sex, which is the only time she's not okay with it....that'd be all right, then?

Listen, if they don't do it for each other and they are both miserable, this marriage is not going to last long. They will resent each other. I don't condone cheating but if he is serious about saving his marriage and has this need for tickling once in while, then maybe it might help. But, what he is describing sounds like it is beyond just getting your tickling off once in a while. They just don't seem compatible. I don't envy him. It is a tough call.

 

[24hourphil]

Book it. Done!
You are wise beyond your years, my good man.

Wolf, thank you man! Learned from a lot of mistakes and it hasn't been pretty, but still.. A good life

 

[TicklexoxFreaK]

In my personal opinion, I do believe it can hurt someones marriage and/or relationship. It's only tickling to some people but it's still a physical action and i'm sure not every guy or girl will want someone else touching the others spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. I guess as long as both people are alright with it then go for it but it's still risky to me. I would be afraid of getting attached to the other person and falling out of love with the person i'm with. Everyone is different so I should say it could hurt some marriages if they aren't careful or trustworthy.

 

[bri908]

In my personal opinion, I do believe it can hurt someones marriage and/or relationship. It's only tickling to some people but it's still a physical action and i'm sure not every guy or girl will want someone else touching the others spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. I guess as long as both people are alright with it then go for it but it's still risky to me. I would be afraid of getting attached to the other person and falling out of love with the person i'm with. Everyone is different so I should say it could hurt some marriages if they aren't careful or trustworthy.

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EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - I wouldnt want someone elses grimy paws on a woman im involved with- its opens BAD doors

 

[Wolf]

Listen, if they don't do it for each other and they are both miserable, this marriage is not going to last long. They will resent each other. I don't condone cheating but if he is serious about saving his marriage and has this need for tickling once in while, then maybe it might help. But, what he is describing sounds like it is beyond just getting your tickling off once in a while. They just don't seem compatible. I don't envy him. It is a tough call.

Granted, monogamy isn't for everyone. But if you have to go outside the marriage (just to get exactly what you want) in order to "save" the marriage, why be married? It still sounds like a cop-out to me, and the emotional version of holding a gun to someone's head; Let me do exactly what I want to do, with other people (because you're not comfortable with it), or it's all over.

As he's said, they have sex. He gets to tickle and play with her in non-sexual circumstances, and she likes it. It's just that she's not comfortable with one thing he wants to do.

It sounds pretty simple, and easy to rationalize (at least for the one who feels like they have to go outside to get what they want...), but I don't know anyone who'd want to be on the other side of that deal.

 

[bri908]

Granted, monogamy isn't for everyone. But if you have to go outside the marriage (just to get exactly what you want) in order to "save" the marriage, why be married? It still sounds like a cop-out to me, and the emotional version of holding a gun to someone's head; Let me do exactly what I want to do, with other people (because you're not comfortable with it), or it's all over.

As he's said, they have sex. He gets to tickle and play with her in non-sexual circumstances, and she likes it. It's just that she's not comfortable with one thing he wants to do.

It sounds pretty simple, and easy to rationalize (at least for the one who feels like they have to go outside to get what they want...), but I don't know anyone who'd want to be on the other side of that deal.

Wolf- LOVE Your Way of Thinking and Agree With You 110 Percent

 

[rhiannon]

Granted, monogamy isn't for everyone. But if you have to go outside the marriage (just to get exactly what you want) in order to "save" the marriage, why be married? It still sounds like a cop-out to me, and the emotional version of holding a gun to someone's head; Let me do exactly what I want to do, with other people (because you're not comfortable with it), or it's all over.

As he's said, they have sex. He gets to tickle and play with her in non-sexual circumstances, and she likes it. It's just that she's not comfortable with one thing he wants to do.

It sounds pretty simple, and easy to rationalize (at least for the one who feels like they have to go outside to get what they want...), but I don't know anyone who'd want to be on the other side of that deal.

Agreed 100%, as I often do with you.

 

[MatrinZachs]

Really everyone the stress this one issue brings to the table isn't enough to cripple my marriage. It is only a small thing that can be worked out in time. Thanks for the support everyone.

 

[Wolf]

Really everyone the stress this one issue brings to the table isn't enough to cripple my marriage. It is only a small thing that can be worked out in time. Thanks for the support everyone.

Sounds like you have your priorities straight. Best of luck to you!

 

[ChicagoDavid]

Frequently.

When has throwing a tantrum (albeit a silent one) ever resulted in getting a "good discussion" going?

 

[WorkInProgress]

Any sentiment that I might want to express to MartinZachs, he has already shown that he agrees with me on it, so this note is addressed, not to Martin, but to others who might want to suggest that the problem is his wife and that there's something wrong with her not accommodating his proclivity for tickling.

I am acquainted with a formerly married couple who, in their early years together, were happy and very compatible, and they had two children who are still very young. Then, somewhere along the way (there was no sign of it when they were first married), the man started feeling overwhelmed by the need to become a woman. So he started getting hormone shots that made his breasts grow, he started dressing like a woman and wearing his hair like a woman, and was generally turning himself into a woman, making plans for the operation, which by now he has apparently had. Now, based on my knowledge of how happy they were in the beginning, I asssumed--erroneously--that the two of them were in on this together. However, they weren't. He was just doing all this on his own, lying to her about what he was doing, and ultimately expecting her to accommodate herself to it. Trouble was, she didn't want to be married to a woman--not that she thinks there's anything wrong with it (and she had had a couple of affairs with women before). She had married him for what he was when she married him, and wanted the relationship to be what it was when she married him. This wasn't what she had married, and predictably, they are divorced how.

In the case of Martin's wife, she married the man she knew him to be at the time, and the marriage included the sexual relationship they had at the time. Tickling just wasn't part of it. Most people don't like to be tickled, and sex isn't supposed to be about one party enduring misery in order to give the other pleasure, which is essentially what you have when someone who hates being tickled consents to it anyway. So, there may be some negotiating to do and there may be some compromises that can be reached, but saying that something's wrong with Martin's wife if she doesn't consent to be tickled is the wrong answer. (With regard to the so-called "trust" factor, I just view it as another way of saying she doesn't want to be tickled. I'm sure she trusts him on all the things that she thinks she should need to.)