Fian'cee found out about fetish Im in the S#*t

[arches]

Oh dear,my fianc'ee has discovered my foot fetish and feet tickling fantasy out.I'd thrown stuff in the trash(big mistake) she was curious and went rumaging through the bin. I've caused her pain and heart ache.I'd been planning a foot fetish website and she found some old plans amongst the trash. Torn up prints of clothed females showing their feet and a printed forum on making tickling clips.
For 45 years this has been my secret. A wife of 20yrs never had a clue. Neither for that matter did anyone else. Now I'm fighting to keep the woman whom i love so much and am to marry hopefully next May.

I'm empty ,low,scared and a bloody fool to risk what i have for this crap.Crap thats been like smoking, nearly impossible to give up.

I fear she thinks Im weird.Not normal,a freak! Well are we? The only way is to donate my p.c.to an old folk charity and come off the internet completely.I have no other access to it and it will show her that i really am trying to do something about it. Maybe you will say im wrong.it won't work and I'll never be able to clear it from my head. Maybe so,but i have never loved anyone in my life as much as i do her.I've hurt her ,i promised that i would never do that to her and i meant it.I'm hurting myself,i feel damed awful.Life was so good until now. No she hasn't finished with me.I fear though things will never be quite the same, and i'll regrete this for the rest of my life.

a feet and tickling addict since 4/5 yrs old.

Arches

 

[embomb]

Damn...

Good luck man, we're all hoping it turns out ok
--embomb

 

[isabeau]

Have you tried sitting down with her and talking about what it means to you? Are you sure she considers you a freak? Don't do anything drastic until you have at least tried talking with her..and good luck..

 

[mart]

Chances are she is more upset about having been kept in the dark and discovering this when you are well on your way to getting married than necessarily upset by the issue itself. Try to explain it to her with a little humour, not like a kind of serious, I'm-no-good demeanour as if it was a confession of alcoholism.
After all, it is a fantasy, and, while I would not try applying it to your relationship immediately by tying her to the bed and drooling all over her feet, you could at least tell her a couple of fantasy tickle stories that will take the angst out of it all, and make her giggle that that kind of thing should turn you on.
One cannot really take a tickle fetish too seriously. Hell man - the greater part is about laughing...
So laugh at yourself and get her to laugh with you and you may well find that it is all not that much of a problem.

 

[maniactickler]

Have a talk with her. if shes not open to your fetish, then move on.

 

[aviator202]

Gotta tell ya............

My belief is this.....If after having a serious discussion with her about what is and has been important to you for a very long time....and she is judgemental about that......Well, is this the kind of woman you want in your life????

 

[alan705]

I agree with aviator. If she is someone you truly love, I would think that she would understand your fetish and like it was mentioned before, I would think that she is more upset with the fact that this was hidden as opposed to the fact that you have this fetish. Everyone has some sort of a quirk and this happens to be ours.

Either way, communication is important. Instead of assuming what she thinks or she might think, I think it is important to come clean. I'm not trying to play Dr Phil on someone older than I am but I believe that if someone is that important, it needs to be told. I've had girlfriends that I've dated for a long time and they all knew. Some didn't indulge in it the way I wanted them to but nobody ever thought it was weird. Different? Yes. Funny? Yes. But it was never a "what's wrong with you" type of thing. Now I've gotten that look for a one night hook up but never with someone who I was in a relationship with.

I'm a lee btw but I'm pretty sure in that sense, it doesn't make a difference either way.

 

[tickler_n_black]

My belief is this.....If after having a serious discussion with her about what is and has been important to you for a very long time....and she is judgemental about that......Well, is this the kind of woman you want in your life????

I'm in agreement with the above.

It's not like you like kiddie porn or something.
It's only tickling and feet. If that makes her change the way she feels about you then it's probably better to go in different directions. I've had the fetish since age 5 also, and it will never leave you my friend.

 

[luca002]

listen to you if she loves u just the 50% u love her she can't think u are weird.
U know what is right for u but dont forget that usually we think people considering us more bad than they do.
Good luck man, i'm sure u'll don't lose her.
Luca

 

[Cavum]

Everyone has the right to be respected. I find the way she acted pretty pathetic and simple minded. You are not a freak. If she don't respect you for the one you are, then she's not much to keep. A fetish is as much big part of you than everything else. You can't just block out what you like. I have been in plently of relationships where I kept my fetish a secret, but when I got open about that kind of stuff..well...you find people that respect you for it. 3 years ago I had a fantasy about tickle torture and to play as much I wanted with feet. Today I have it both....and I got it because I was open about why I am. Be proud of who you are. I know it must be hell that she reacts like this when it's a girl you love so much, but if she can't respect you for who you are, then you should dump her as fast as possible and move on!

 

[Paul1983]

Do you hear yourself man? Seriously....I don't post too much obviously, but your story motivated me. First off, you ARE NOT a freak of any kind. The way you speak about what happened really saddens me...like you think you should change who you are? News flash: YOU CAN'T CHANGE WHO YOU ARE. If you're gay, you're attracted to men - this is something you can't just "turn off". If you get turned on by tickling, you have a tickling fetish - this is also something that you can't TURN OFF. You see where I'm going with this? Attraction is not a choice, correct? Well neither are tastes, favorites, tendancies, and pleasures. You can't control these things, and you shouldnt; these are the qualities that make you who you are. Tickling is not a bad thing...it's one of the more mild fetishes out there...but ya know what? I don't have anything against anyone who has any fetish (regardless of how appauling it may be to me). There is something that makes people enjoy these things, something that they cannot control. In my opinion, as long as what anyone is doing falls within the guidelines of the law, they should have fun and enjoy it. How happy are you really going to be if you "give up" tickling? Kinda sounds like something a gay guy would have done 60 years ago (hiding in the closet). You are NOT WEIRD. It's 2006 man. You like tickling and feet. Some people like legs, some breasts, some asses, some spanking, some strap-ons, some like to be touched in a weird area because it is what turns them on! Don't turn your back on something that you can't turn your back on anyhow. Your fiance should be more understanding...I mean I know its a shock at first, but explain it to her. You don't even have to use the word fetish. Tickling turns you on - Big fucking deal. Don't change or attempt to re-arrange all you're known because someone thinks you're weird. Hell, even big name people in hollywood admit their foot fetishes and refuse to conform to normal standards - just look at Tommy Lee. You're too good for that man, don't ever act like you're a criminal or outcast because of how you think. Just like people who have depression can't control feeling down and out, people who have fetishes can't control being turned on and enjoying what they are naturally aroused by.

 

[Red_Feather]

Well, I can't really add much to what everyone's said up above.

You're not a freak, and I doubt she thinks you are either. Sit down and talk with her about it. If you don't then she might start to think you're hiding something wrong. Don't give her the chance to think that. You're not strange, and if you're straight and honest with her about it, I doubt she'll think you are either.

 

[LoveSoles81]

Hmm, I very open to the girls I date right from the start about my fetish.
Hope all goes well.

 

[tickles]

Hello Arches,

I would like to contribute to all of the perspectives here. I am a woman in my forties and had a similar incident happen to me. The issue for me was less about the "interest" my husband was hiding and more about trust. My husband had a secret.....he didn't tell me about it....I found out. The secret was not mainstream...but certainly not murder or something really bad...anyway, my problem was not the "interest" but the doubt it created in me as to whether he was hiding more.......at that point in time we were not married and I felt I couldn't trust him....because he did not trust me with this up front.

I believe the issue here is trust.....I would approach it that way...but don't give up....let her know that you should have been up front........but you were afraid.....do tell her if there is anything else she doesn't know about you.....explain the tickling/foot fetish with her as something that has been a part of who you are since you were a child....if you are ashamed let it be because of the secrecy not the fetish....and apologize for not trusting her with this......This way you can express regret for not giving her a chance to accept you totally.....and let her make an informed choice for herself.....either way you have given her respect with your honesty and respected yourself at the same time....I married him but he had a lot of explaining to do....so we did work thru it...but the issue was honesty....

best wishes for you....I hope she can handle it....

 

[Ticklee1973]

You know this is not a judgmental response in any way but why in the world do people decide to get married to someone whom they should be able to share everything with and then keep something so significant from them. It absolutely boggles my mind, if you come out with something in the beginning of a relationship and the other person has an issue with it why bother getting deeper into the relationship. I mean if something is so important to you that you felt the need to hide it, why not share that part of yourself with her. If she thinks you're weird then she's not going to be very open to alot of things down the line I'm thinking. Sorry not preaching, I actually practice this myself, if the guy is scared off by these things he knows where the door is, there are too many others out there to be hiding things especially to someone you are going to pledge your undying love for. I mean isn't that what marriage is. Ughhh, I could go off on another tangent here but I won't. Seriously don't do anything until you sit down and talk with her, I mean come on she was your fiancee, certainly you owe it to yourself and her to spend some time to deal with what happened. As someone else said I'm sure she's more upset with the fact that you hid it than about the fetish itself. I could be wrong but at this point what do you have to lose.

 

[kis123]

I'm torn between two different points of view. Firstly, I don't share my tickling passions with ANYONE that isn't a member here, plain and simple! I've been shown too many times by men that your intimacies become weapons in an argument and I'm not having my personal business spread around the state of Ohio because some man got angry at me. There are things I'll take to my grave and right now, this is one of them!

But in the case of being engaged and nearly married, I'm not sure where to go with that. My fear of being exposed and ridiculed might override my need to tell my fiancee' everything. I was raised in a different environment where you kept your personal intimacies to yourself. Sometimes it's a blessing and a curse for me. You want to share all to your loved one, but have this barrier blocking you from doing so. I can definitely understand why arches hid the fetish, whether folks thought he was wrong for doing so.

Throwing away your computer won't change your passions/desires. Tell her how you feel and apologize for hiding it from her. If she really loves you, she'll find it in her heart to forgive you. But I wonder why you would hide it from her in the first place. Did she say or do something to make you think she couldn't be trusted with your innermost feelings? Something for you to think about.

 

[gig1965]

She should be flattered....

....because as much as it means to you, she meant more, as you chose to chuck it all away in favor of her.
She should think on THAT for a bit.

 

[Fire_Sprite]

I try to avoid giving relationship advice to people because it can come back to bite you in the ass and, nine times out of ten, leaves a permanent scar. A lot of people are telling you that if she doesn't accept your fetish then she doesn't accept you and you should reconsider being with her. Then others are saying its not the fetish thats driving her away, its your dishonesty about the matter. I think it's both really.

That is to say, its a combination of the "weirdness" of your fetish and the matter in which she's discovered it. In my experience, if you act like a pervert people will assume you are one. If a girl were to find out about my fetish I'd have one of two options in terms of my reaction. I could act nervous and start mumbling then change the subject, or I could admit to it and tell her its irrelevant to my personality. Either way, she'll know I have a tickling fetish. But there will be a huge difference in her opinion of the fetish and me.

Your wife found you desperately trying to hide evidence of a second sexual life you've been living and she's understandably disturbed. Under ideal circumstances you would've told her about this long before popping the question. Right now, it seems to me that your best bet is confronting it with her and confidently explaining what this all means to you. Depending on how verbally open about sex you are with her, you could even explain the overall benefits this has to your love life. Foreplay and sex get a lot more interesting when bondage and tickling are thrown in.

Then again, my suggestion takes a lot of liberties with the level of your fetish. I'm assuming that you, like most people here, require tickling or foot play in some form to get aroused. If you were able to stop cold turkey through a twenty year marriage then you obviously have either more willpower or less addiction than the other members here. You might decide to do away with it and explain to her how its a random kink you could easily live without. Despite the (potentially life destroying) advice you've been given and will be given here, the decision its completely yours. You made it once already and she found out anyway, so this time at least try to be as honest as possible.

 

[Ticklersplaytoy]

I hope everthing turns out the way you want arches.. I'll pray for you.. As much as I love tickling and feet, I would give all up for someone that I love if I had too.. Hope you doing ok..

 

[drew70]

I find myself in disagreement with some of the things being said, here. If I'm understanding correctly, it's being suggested that if somebody chooses not to disclose a fetish to one's significant other, this qualifes as a betrayal of "trust." This would seem to imply that we men are bound by some unwritten law that says we must confess our every feeling and interest to our significant other. If we don't, we're being "dishonest." I personally don't define honesty or trust in such terms. Sometimes it takes time to build up courage or the willingness to share something that personal. I think that if somebody finds out about something like this about his or her partner before said partner ready to share it, instead of feeling betrayed that this fetish wasn't disclosed on their first date, one would show greater depth of character in my opinion by responding with understanding and support, though not necessarily interest. If one really loves their partner, that is.

At the risk of sounding sexist, this idea of defining honesty as "full disclosure" seems like more of a woman thing, with some exceptions. Of course, I suspect many guys will fall in line with it to foster an appearance of "sensitivity" in order to better ingratiate themselves.

My advice would be to drop the "I'm so guilty" posture and just treat it like it's no big deal. Because in reality, it isn't.

 

[ManOMann100]

I think she's more upset about finding the stuff you threw away and hiding it than anything else. She also may be upset that you didn't feel that you could tell her about your fetish. Any woman that found any sort of sexual or fetish related material of her husband/fiancee's would be upset. I don't think that she's upset about your fetish, just that you kept it secret and that you had fetish related material.

 

[kis123]

I find myself in disagreement with some of the things being said, here. If I'm understanding correctly, it's being suggested that if somebody chooses not to disclose a fetish to one's significant other, this qualifes as a betrayal of "trust." This would seem to imply that we men are bound by some unwritten law that says we must confess our every feeling and interest to our significant other. If we don't, we're being "dishonest." I personally don't define honesty or trust in such terms. Sometimes it takes time to build up courage or the willingness to share something that personal. I think that if somebody finds out about something like this about his or her partner before said partner ready to share it, instead of feeling betrayed that this fetish wasn't disclosed on their first date, one would show greater depth of character in my opinion by responding with understanding and support, though not necessarily interest. If one really loves their partner, that is.

At the risk of sounding sexist, this idea of defining honesty as "full disclosure" seems like more of a woman thing, with some exceptions. Of course, I suspect many guys will fall in line with it to foster an appearance of "sensitivity" in order to better ingratiate themselves.

My advice would be to drop the "I'm so guilty" posture and just treat it like it's no big deal. Because in reality, it isn't.

I agree with most of this with the exception of full disclosure being a 'womans" thing. I've seen plenty of men on this forum agree with full disclosure in relationships, and not for purposes of ingration, but because that's what they believe. I would venture to guess that if a woman kept certain things secret from her man, he'd be pretty firggin' upset about it too.

IMO, a woman wants to feel she is "enough" for her man. Finding what some may equate to porn in the trash can make a woman feel she's not enough for her man. She's there for him in every other aspect, why does he need images of other women in order to be satisfied? Now I'm just throwing this out there for those of you who might not understand her displeasure. This isn't some 1st or 2nd date, this is someone involved in a long-term relatioinship. Keeping it secret wasn't a great idea, but I understand how hard it is to disclose something so intimate about oneself.

One of two things is going to happen-she'll either come to learn and accept him fetishes and all, or she's not going to get over the alleged "betrayal" and possibly ruin everything. I'm hoping for scenario #1 because it sounds like he really loves her and I don't see an intelligent reason why this should be a relationship deal breaker. I wish I had someone in my life who loved me enough to turn away from his passions to keep me in his life. She should consider herself a very lucky woman.

 

[nobody271]

agree

I agree with most of the posts already posted. THe one thing I would like to say is... I can't understand why and how people in relationships try to keep this a secert from each other. I'm not saying you should run around and advertise your fetish or tell every girl you go out with on a first date. But tickling (and feet) are something that's a part of us and you should be open about it to your significant other. You need to be open about stuff like that when you're in a relationship in any case. Whether your fetish was shoes or if you liked, well whatever, this isn't stuff you should be hiding from your significant other. Every girl I've ever been out with and told has yet to have a problem with it.
-Chris

 

[TheEliteOne]

I hope all turns out well for you, Arches.

But I do have a question, and I am not trying to turn you into her enemy or blame her for this.

My question is why did she go through the garbage? What was her intention of going through the garbage?

Like I said, don't see what I write as a means of making your life miserable and to make both futur husband and wife into enemies.

 

[sharpshooter]

Hey arches-

lets put this in perspective. First, the sheer number of people on this site means you are NOT a freak...or else we all are, ha ha. To try to pretend you don't have this fetish...well I don't like your chances of that, no matter how much you care for this woman. You need to accept that this is your interest and it is a normal part of human sexuality for thousands maybe millions...before you can ever have a chance of convincing her of the same. You have been "outed" to this woman you want to spend your life with...but to attempt to be something different than what you are would be a huge mistake. Your biggest mistake was in not broaching this subject a while ago but that is water under the bridge.

Okay so the truth is out. Sit her down and try to explain it to her. Surf the web and show her all the sites devoted to it. Be sincere and apologize that you were not more up front about it from the beginning and assure her that it will be different from this point forward (but that you were not sure she would understand). Here is the bottom line...when you read from people on this site how many have been able to incorporate this fetish into excellent relationships, it should give you a model for the type of relationship you should be looking for. She will either accept it or she won't. What it amounts to is that she either accepts you fro who you are or she doesn't...and if she doesn't, it is better to find that out now, don't you think?

Now you probably have a lot of time and emotion invested in this woman and relationship but with a 50% divorce rate out there, don't you want to make sure you are in the half that makes it? Food for thought!