Fian'cee found out about fetish Im in the S#*t

[8_ball]

I hope it all turns out for you

but remember, if she really loves you, she'll find a way to understand.

I guess that's my two cents worth

 

[911]

My question is why is she so upset is it because you never told her about your fetish or is it because she see those pictures as porn or dose she just think your weard? If you plan on marring this woman why didn't you tell her about this? And if she just thinks your strange she'll get over it if not then why bother with her?

 

[drew70]

I agree with most of this with the exception of full disclosure being a 'womans" thing. I've seen plenty of men on this forum agree with full disclosure in relationships, and not for purposes of ingration, but because that's what they believe. I would venture to guess that if a woman kept certain things secret from her man, he'd be pretty firggin' upset about it too.

IMO, a woman wants to feel she is "enough" for her man. Finding what some may equate to porn in the trash can make a woman feel she's not enough for her man. She's there for him in every other aspect, why does he need images of other women in order to be satisfied? Now I'm just throwing this out there for those of you who might not understand her displeasure. This isn't some 1st or 2nd date, this is someone involved in a long-term relatioinship. Keeping it secret wasn't a great idea, but I understand how hard it is to disclose something so intimate about oneself.

One of two things is going to happen-she'll either come to learn and accept him fetishes and all, or she's not going to get over the alleged "betrayal" and possibly ruin everything. I'm hoping for scenario #1 because it sounds like he really loves her and I don't see an intelligent reason why this should be a relationship deal breaker. I wish I had someone in my life who loved me enough to turn away from his passions to keep me in his life. She should consider herself a very lucky woman.

I agree with everything you say here, Kis. Just fyi, when I said this attitude seemed to be "more of a woman thing" I tried my best to make it clear I wasn't saying this attitude was indigenous to women exclusively. I agree some men have genuinely bought into the "anything less than full disclosure is dishonesty" idea. I only meant to say that in my personal experience, I've seen it in practice more from women than men. Maybe it's because women in general (again, emphasis on the lack of blanket statement) seem to be more open with their feelings, and tend to gush a little more whereas men are traditionally more stoic. I don't know.

 

[boy2tickle]

I feel for you buddy

This must be hell to go through. But I'm going to add my two cents to everyone else's. Obviously, I don't know you, and I'm not an expert, and ...(caveat caveat caveat). But here's my thoughts.

1) I agree with others who've said that this is primarily a trust thing. If you'd revealed your name was in fact "Harold Bananahammock" after she'd spent years thinking it wasn't, she'd have the same kind of problem - the "he's not who i thought he is", or more accurately "he's not who he told me he was" problem. It's a big step, a big commitment, to decide to marry somebody. Something like this can really make a person seriously reappraise it. There's also the element that this particular secret has a sexual aspect - what she's found effectively is a porn stash, and that opens up the "aren't i enough for him" can of worms. There are lots of couples out there that use porn happily together (personal experience here) but if you haven't been then from her viewpoint when she found out she was hit with a double whammy of (i) you're into stuff she had no idea about, (ii) you indulge that with images of *other women*. Not knowing her, I'm not sure which of the two stung more, but they both stung. All stuff you know already and are already beating yourself up about, I know. But -

2) Abandoning the internet and a lifelong interest in feet and tickling probably isn't the answer, for a couple of reasons off the top of my head. One being that as I've already said her problem isn't really with what you're *doing* it's with what it represents. There may be avenues to involve her in this side of your life as you do others, make her central to it, show her that this doesn't in the slightest reduce your love and respect for her. It's like, okay, I have a foot fetish (not uncommon for this community) but I don't leave partners who play that way with the impression they could just cut themselves off below the ankle and leave the rest with me. It's something I get a great deal of pleasure from, but not something that gets in the way of the fact that primarily what I get pleasure out of is having this amazing woman sharing this intimacy with me. So, again echoing other people, talk to her about it. In fact, ask her about it. I'll come back to that in a minute.

The other reason I don't think abandoning the internet is the answer is because you have a sexual compulsion to seek out these stimuli. There's absolutely nothing wrong or shameful about that as far as it goes; but if you cut off one avenue in the internet and you don't open up an avenue with your fiancee, you *will* find another outlet. You will find a magazine, or an internet cafe, or start hanging around with a cameraphone taking pictures of girls kicking their shoes off in the park, because it's habit forming and you can find a hundred ways to rationalize it. And that will be curtains for your relationship, when, inevitably, she finds out about it. I say 'inevitably' because I have a suspicion that you weren't "stupid" to let her find out about this, on some level you wanted to resolve the conflict between a woman you love and an activity you love being separate for you. You wanted to bring them together, and actually you've given yourself an opportunity to do that.

3) With regards to discussing this with your fiancee. The temptation in this situation is to really go overboard on sackcloth and ashes, as a mark of how much you feel for her. This is a dangerous temptation to give in to, for a few reasons. Firstly, it seriously alters the dynamic in your relationship, and especially if you've been together a while that's very tough to deal with. You'll be forever playing catch-up for this terrible wrong you've done her, and neither of you will allow it to be resolved. It will fester and you'll end up resenting her, or she'll end up losing respect for you. Either way spells trouble. Secondly, you acting that way vindicates her immediate impression that you don't trust her and you do need something outside the relationship to satisfy you. Take a long hard clear look at yourself at this point and make sure that you can emphatically deny both of those are true. If you really don't trust her, or you really aren't satisfied with her, it's cruel and manipulative to lie now and make her believe otherwise; and again, you will only end up 'betraying' and hurting her again in future if that's the case.

Assuming it's not true (I personally don't think it is; I'm pretty sure from what you've said that you really do love her) you need to try to show her it's not true. Offering to give it up for her just proves that you've spent all this time giving her up for it, which again hopefully isn't a fair reflection of your relationship so far. I suspect that part of the thrill, maybe a very large part of the thrill, is the fact that it's something secret, something embarassing, something shameful. As a sexually submissive foot and tickle fetishist, I dig that completely. But just as there's a world of difference between reading about tickle torture and experiencing it, so there's a world of difference between fantasising about doing something secretive and shameful, and actually doing something in secret you ought to be ashamed of. If you're serious about her, and I think you are, she deserves to know who you are - all of who you are. And you then need to deal with what she thinks about that. Right now, what's most important is how she feels and what she knows. You need that information so you can see what chance there is of putting things right. It may be that you have hurt her too much; it may be that she's going to need time. But if you assume these things without finding out from her for sure, you can believe it or not make things even worse.

Relationships always come down to communication. Honesty and openness are good and healthy. If the relationship's strong, it can get over the most incredible things. I'm not proud to say I've both cheated and been cheated on in the past, and I've had relationships that survived that and relationships that didn't. The key for you right now is to concentrate on learning what kind of relationship you actually have with your fiancee, rather than trying to manipulate it into the kind of relationship you think it should be. Do that openly, honestly, lovingly, respectfully, and you may find the two things are closer than you dared hope.

Good luck.

 

[devilsadvocate]

Well. after that monster of a post above (all of which was well said to be fair) my two cents are this.

you obviously care a great deal about this woman, but in my opinion. your tickling and foot fetish is obviously a part of you if you've had it that long and going cold turkey is not the way forward. To borrow a quote from captain jack sparrow "It's in your blood mate so you'll have to square with that someday." but having said that, there's no point breaking it off if you have havent at least given it a shot.

 

[Mitchell]

Arches, you must have the most incredible willpower of any fetishist I've ever seen. I could not conceive of being married to anyone, much less for 20 years, or being anyone's fiance, if she did not at least know what "makes me tick". Even if the girl I was engaged or married to, wasnt into this, I would still feel the need to discuss it with her, in the interest of honesty, after all, from my perspective, this would be the only woman I would get to tickle, perhaps for the rest of my life, except at a gathering. That being said.
As for your fiance's reaction. What you described sounds to me like a two fold problem. One, the fact that you didnt tell her, and two, the fact of how she learned, and the items she found. My advice: When you are both calmed down, sit down and talk to her. Tell her that you love her, and, that you have this "interest", as I myself like to call it. Tell her that you have had it since you are very young. Explain it to her, the interest itself, your feelings about it, and your needs. Hopefully, once she gets over her shock, if she is open minded enough to understand why you didnt disclose this, and what your needs are, she will be able to work and compromise on this.
This has always been my feeling for myself. I sincerely hope to find, and marry someone, in the community, who is into both feet, and tickling. If for some reason, I cant do that, then I hope that the person I do find, once I explain it to them, will be understanding enough, and giving enough, to let me tickle them, and play with their feet, at least some of the time. I am a believer in give and take, and compromise. I could never be serious with, engaged to, or married to someone, who said to me:" Mitch, you're a freak, get rid of your tickling fetish, and you can never tickle me, and never play with my feet". I would be miserable with someone like that, and, someone like that wouldnt value me enough, to understand my needs, if I was willing to modify and lessen, my foot and tickling needs, and fetish, for her. A girl like that wouldnt be worthy of my time, effort, and love. She would be someone who only thought about herself, and didnt value me.
I hope that an honest discussion with your fiance helps your situation. Good Luck.

Mitch

 

[tulipangel]

Oh dear,my fianc'ee has discovered my foot fetish and feet tickling fantasy out.I'd thrown stuff in the trash(big mistake) she was curious and went rumaging through the bin. I've caused her pain and heart ache.I'd been planning a foot fetish website and she found some old plans amongst the trash. Torn up prints of clothed females showing their feet and a printed forum on making tickling clips.
For 45 years this has been my secret. A wife of 20yrs never had a clue. Neither for that matter did anyone else. Now I'm fighting to keep the woman whom i love so much and am to marry hopefully next May.

I'm empty ,low,scared and a bloody fool to risk what i have for this crap.Crap thats been like smoking, nearly impossible to give up.

I fear she thinks Im weird.Not normal,a freak! Well are we? The only way is to donate my p.c.to an old folk charity and come off the internet completely.I have no other access to it and it will show her that i really am trying to do something about it. Maybe you will say im wrong.it won't work and I'll never be able to clear it from my head. Maybe so,but i have never loved anyone in my life as much as i do her.I've hurt her ,i promised that i would never do that to her and i meant it.I'm hurting myself,i feel damed awful.Life was so good until now. No she hasn't finished with me.I fear though things will never be quite the same, and i'll regrete this for the rest of my life.

a feet and tickling addict since 4/5 yrs old.

Arches

You asked if you are a freak... If WE are freaks..... We are NOT! Neither are you. I'm sure many of us are in fact freaks but not for tickling lol!