Question on Mood Disorders

[Strider]

OK... This is sort of a weird one, but this is something that's been weighing pretty heavy in my thoughts recently, so here goes.

The only way I can put this is that there are times when I get alienated from everything that's not me. What I mean by that is that I walk around feeling like there's a force field around me, and that everyone else is... not exactly an enemy, but more like a foreign body, and that any interaction they attempt to have with me is a hostile violation of my personal space that is to be responded to accordingly. To put this a bit more glibly, my mindset when I'm in this headspace is that everyone is a moron and that literally any action anyone takes annoys the living hell out of me. And these actions get more annoying the more personal they are. What I mean by that is if I'm working and need to help a customer, it's really not that big of a deal because it's a very straightforward thing, though if they try to be friendly and strike up a conversation with me, I'm extremely curt. With friends and loved ones, however, I get way colder. The most extreme manifestation of this is when partners try to engage in intimate contact with me, it pretty much makes my skin crawl. When I'm like this and a partner tries to kiss me, it revolts me and my instinct is to pull away. It's really only been in the past year or so that I've understood this is a recurrent pattern on my part, and only in the past couple months that I've actually cared enough about the effect it has on people around me to consider doing anything about it (whether it be taking meds or what have you).

It's definitely not depression, I've been seriously depressed once before, and this is completely different. When I'm like this, I can still function just fine, I can do my job, complete my school work, whatever, but I shut everyone and everything out and have hostile reactions to anyone who tries to get through the bubble.

Anyway, I'm not really looking for advice on how to handle this or expressions of support or what have you. This is more directed towards those who have experience in the mental health profession; I'm just curious if what I've described sounds like any actual mood disorder that's on the books.

 

[xSamanthax]

Sounds like PMS to me, lol. That's always been my excuse ^ ^

But seriously. Yes, this happens to me. It seems to happen when I have had too much stimulation, especially involving people. I shut down, and if I can't get away, I get very "don't touch me, don't talk to me, go the fuck away and leave me alone".

For me, I think it is part of a sensory integration disorder. I have some other issues that tie into that, but your mileage may vary.

I'll be interested to hear what others have to say.

 

[Saeria]

I do this exact same thing and i still haven't figured out why... Every so often i just stop calling people, I wake each morning feeling like i'm still asleep and walking in a dream, that things i'm seeing and touching aren't real, i won't be around the forum for a few days, i don't want sex or even closeness.. and don't even think about play, I'm uncontrollably irritable and I have a few nightmares, when i don't have to work i actually hole myself up in my house and refuse to answer the door (this was when i lived alone but even hearing someone knock on the door terrified me).. but usually in about a week it's gone and i'm back to my disgustingly cheerful self again.

I haven't really figured it out. I imagine some of it is PTSD since none of this start until the turn of this decade and i have noticed on occasion it will be triggered by something. I'm not a head dr and no amount of reading the DSM is going to fool me into diagnosing myself with any disorder. What i have found, though, that actually works pretty well, is right before i know i'm going into one of those dumb mood shifts i tell those i'm closest to that i'm going to be off for a few days. My loved ones are patient sorts.

 

[kayaker273]

I really can relate to what you guys are saying. I think a big part of my condition is sleep related. I am a mess if I don't get quality sleep, not just 8 hours but restful sleep. When I don't, I go through mood swings from time to time. I become extremely sensitive and have trouble thinking and communicating. Its like my brain just freezes and I need to meditate or sleep to clear it. Music helps too. I get angry with myself when I get like this and I can't just snap out if it imediately. Medication my help but I need to learn to accept it when it does happen, it's a part of me.

What i have found, though, that actually works pretty well, is right before i know i'm going into one of those dumb mood shifts i tell those i'm closest to that i'm going to be off for a few days. My loved ones are patient sorts.

I think you make a very good point Saeria. It may be difficult but it is so important to tell people that you are going into a mood shift and that you may need some space. I have trouble saying that and its something I need to work on. I don't always want to admit that I am not feeling ok, to myself or others but I have got to learn to accept my feelings.

I have a question for everyone. When someone at work asks you the standard "Hey (Your Name), how are ya?" What do you tell them? Whether I'm feeling good or bad, I usually say "I'm ok". This is usually just a greeting, they don't want your life story but I'm curious what other people say.

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

My experience in the mental health field is limited, but any type of cycling makes me think of Bipolar Disorder.

I work with someone who has Bipolar, and when he cycles he doesn't get super depressed in the way that most people would expect, but he gets kind of how you're describing. He just kind of walks around with a chip on his shoulder. He functions and communicates and goes to work, but you can't be friendly with him or joke with him. You can't even ask him how he's doing. He gets angry and wants to know why everyone is in his business. And forget about touching him. A supportive hand on a shoulder makes him give you this disgusted look like you put a filthy insect on him.

The flip side of that would be the manic episodes, which, believe it or not, aren't necessary for Bipolar. Bipolar I does have the manic episodes where you may experience lack of sleep, spending binges, promiscuity, disorganized thought processes, inability to focus, short attention span, feelings of euphoria, impulsivity, rage, etc. But Bipolar II doesn't require that. They cycles are still there, but instead of going from depressed to manic, the cycles will go from depressed mood to normal mood, and back down to depressed.

If it's bothering you that much, think about seeing someone. If you're totally against seeing a therapist, at least mention your symptoms to your family doctor. They're not really equipped to deal with mental health issues, but it'd be better than nothing.

Good luck hon!

 

[BlackestLily]

I know exactly how you feel. I do the same thing. I think a lot of what Sae said holds ground, especially the ptsd part. A symptom is becoming emotionally numb to those you're close to, and also having a difficulty in regulating certain emotions.

And unfortunately, unregulated/treated ptsd can lead to borderline personality disorder. One of the main symptoms as posted by medicinenet is:

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes toward family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike)

None of this has to be you, nor do all parts of either of these, but it is a thought to look into if you're looking for a place to start in seeking answers.

 

[Mz Chaos]

I have always said, the hardest thing besides living with a mental disorder, is living with a person who has a mental disorder. There were times when I would think to myself that if I had to live with me, I'd kill myself before sundown. It was those times I appreciated my family and friends the most for sticking with me.

I was an undiagnosed Bipolar for about 25 years. And because Bipolar rarely comes alone, it brought with it OCD and a Borderline Personality Disorder. My parents saw to it that I also got a healthy dose of PTSD too. How sweet of them. During that time I dealt with mental demons that lurked about and pounced whenever they felt the urge and I was their puppet.

I learned the art of blending in. Of watching what other people did in situations and learning to act the same way... all the while screaming inside. People with mental disorders react differently to situations than the "normals." I still have problems with that and am constantly conferring with friends to make sure that I am not over-reacting or under-reacting.

I also use them as a mirror. I am a slow cycler and they are the first ones to tell me when I am slipping into either a mania or a depression. I never seem to be able to notice on my own til it's too late. I have an awesome support group and I do not know what I would do without them.

What also helped was that after being diagnosed, I read up on everything I could get my hands on about my disorders. Once those demons had names, they weren't quite so scary anymore. I learned that they were more brats than demons. I learned why I feel the way I feel, why I think the way I think, why I act the way I act, why I do the things I do. Because I have so many, it is hard to tell sometimes which of those brats are acting up. Some even cancel out some of the symptoms of the others making mine a more managable blend even though they are so numerous.

I have learned that while these brats may cause me to think and feel unpleasantly, that doesn't mean I have to act upon them and make those around me feel unpleasant too. It is hard to hug a person when you don't want to touch. It is hard to smile when you want to bite (figure of speech). It is hard to be out among people when all you want to do is isolate. I have learned to suck it up and do what is expected (leftovers from my parents I guess) even if everything inside me is pulling and tugging me to do the opposite.

It took me 5 solid years of therapy (twice a week with a case manager, once a week with a therapist, once a week with a psychiatrist), and a plethora of different anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers to become as functional as I am. And sometimes, I'm not all that functional. As my occasional and extended absences from the forum indicate. I haven't needed therapy in a few years... well... I still have times when I need to talk but I call my friends back home for that now. I have one I lean on heavier than most. These past couple of months she has seen me through quite a bit. I have no idea what I would do without her.

 

[BrightEyes1082]

I'll be watching this thread closely, because on more than one occasion
I've determined that I could probably benefit from a mood stabilizer. I
relate to some of what you're going through. It comes on differently for
me, though. For example, someone close to me can say or do something
that most people would think nothing or little of, and it will set me off into
an angry and/or depressive funk for a day or two. And the funk has some
of the same symptoms you described. However, when it comes to my loved
ones when I'm like that, I feel more a combination of "get the fuck away from
me" and "get over here I need you so much." It's very difficult, not only for me
but my friends and family, too. Especially being in a new environment now where
they haven't known me as long as my family, and don't always know how to deal
with this side of me.

 

[Musicroxmysox]

I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar, and that is what it sounds like you could be too, as others have already said.

Going through periods of anger and confusion and being normal. For me it's an instantaneous thing. Something sets me off and that's it, I'm a wreck for a few days. Then I'm fine again.

The best thing to do is talk to a professional.

 

[kayaker273]

Mood Stabilizers

First of all, I think its great that we are able to share this stuff with each other and know that we are not alone in this. It's good that we can compare notes and I noticed a few of you guys mentioned mood stablizers. Are those different from those anxiety and depression medications like Zoloft? I have tried Zoloft and I found that it just kind of made me Neutral. I didn't feel anything, not happy, not sad, and not angry. I just felt kind of there. I'm not sure if it could have been a dosing issue with Zoloft but I would really like to find something that would allow me to feel my emotions without the mood swings and with a little less intensity. I'm assuming that is what a mood stabilizer does.

It is hard to be out among people when all you want to do is isolate. I have learned to suck it up and do what is expected (leftovers from my parents I guess) even if everything inside me is pulling and tugging me to do the opposite.

I struggle with this myself. I tend to use excuses like I'm too tired or I don't feel good. Sometimes I can push myself go out and sometimes I can't. For me, I'm gonna try to keep moving and resist the urge to sleep in on the weekend. I tend to fall into the weekend trap of not doing anything unless I have specific plans. Even getting up at a reasonable hour and just going for a walk would help I think. Its not easy but I think the key is to keep moving.

 

[Morpheus72]

Great Topic for Discussion...

In my experience, the thoughts about pushing yourself to get out and do things hold a lot of weight. As some of you may have read in other threads, I went thru about five years of what I considered to be depression, though I was never diagnosed and never went on meds.

In 2003, with a lot of encouragement and support from my parents, I got back to working, and things began to improve. I got further improvement by re-building some friendships IRL and also from exercising more. Also, being outside whenever possible helped (and continues to help) a great deal.

For sure, I still have issues with a lot of social situations. There are many days when I *think* I'd just rather sit on the 'net, but that hardly ever satisfies. Doing things with friends is almost always better.

Of course, your mileage may vary. These are just things that are working for me.

 

[Mz Chaos]

I am no expert... but I know that Depakote is used which is an anti-seizure medication. The one that works best for me is Lamictal. There is also Clozapine and one of the trickiest, Lithium and there are many others.

Mood stabiliers do just that. Some don't let you go down so far and others don't let you get up too high.

After having it for so many years... when I go into a depression or mania... I know to wait for the bounce. What goes up, must come down so to speak.
If a depression hits, I know that if I hang in there long enough, I will eventually enter into a manic phase and everything will be right after that. Sometimes too right, this is mania.

I have bipolar proofed my life some against manias. I don't allow myself to have checks or credit cards. Lead me not into temptation... I can find it okay on my own. I do have a debit card (for paying bills) that suffers once in a while, but not enough to hurt... just ache a little. There was a gal where I used to live that bought a car during a mania... a week later she was wondering just what in the hell she was thinking. And that's the problem... you don't think on a mania... you just do and pay later. I have a driving record loaded with speeding tickets thanks to that wonderful euphoric feeling.

My dog keeps me from going too deep into a depression. As you said getting up and moving is the key. When you have a critter... especially a dog... you HAVE to get up and feed it, you HAVE to get up and give it water, you HAVE to get up and let it outside periodically throughout the day... the pet becomes a life saver. Not only do they function as a means to get you up and moving, but they also provide someone to talk to, someone to hold, someone you can tell your troubles to. Bruno is not just my best friend, he is my service animal. And he is, in his own way... a mood stabilizer.

 

[Oddjob0226]

Alls I can say is, I identify. I think it's perhaps a manifestation of ADD or an O/C disorder. From time to time your chemistry goes out of whack and I - I mean, YOU - are highly affected and sensitized when the things in your would are disrupted by those people & things around, sharing your world.

 

[love feet]

I am not having a good day today. so i can relate to all of you
believe me!!!!!!.
as you may know i am total screwed up inside this is SOP for me!!!!!!.

 

[steph]

It could be borderline personality disorder honey~I might be down w/in the next few so we can talk then. I kind of suffer too, thought unmedicated. A certain Goddess we know and love can give you my digits if you're in real crisis.
XOXO

 

[thattickles]

There are tons of "mood stabilizers" out there, I just started on something called "oxcarbazepine", which is also prescribed for epilepsy, and it actually is working pretty well so far. I did lithium, and it sucked for me, I became dehydrated while on it, and it was almost like I had a stroke, I couldn't function, or I thought I was, but really wasn't and scared everyone in the house. I was diagnosed 11 years ago, but then I my highs and lows were much more severe than there are now, at least in my opinion. Good Luck and don't worry, they have a pill for pretty much everything now.

 

[Flatfoot]

What i have found, though, that actually works pretty well, is right before i know i'm going into one of those dumb mood shifts i tell those i'm closest to that i'm going to be off for a few days. My loved ones are patient sorts.

When I feel like crap, I've tried this approach, as it sounds the most reasonable (not so much leaving, as just requesting to be left alone.). My question is, when taking this approach, how can one convince a loved one that it's not THEIR fault? My emotions start to get the better of me, and I get tempted to completely twist it into "Oh my God, you're so self-centered! Not everything in the world is about you! Can I BE depressed without it being because of you???"

I have a question for everyone. When someone at work asks you the standard "Hey (Your Name), how are ya?" What do you tell them? Whether I'm feeling good or bad, I usually say "I'm ok". This is usually just a greeting, they don't want your life story but I'm curious what other people say.

At work, I keep the "professional smile and demeanor" and say things along the lines of

"I'm alright."
"Not too bad."
"I can't complain."

Then I turn it around to them:

"How're YOU doin' today?"

I struggle with this myself. I tend to use excuses like I'm too tired or I don't feel good. Sometimes I can push myself go out and sometimes I can't. For me, I'm gonna try to keep moving and resist the urge to sleep in on the weekend. I tend to fall into the weekend trap of not doing anything unless I have specific plans. Even getting up at a reasonable hour and just going for a walk would help I think. Its not easy but I think the key is to keep moving.

Constant activity. I think this is why I'm in my best moods at work. I get to get keep busy with relatively easy, yet challenging work that permits me to briefly socialize with random people and I get paid! I hate when I'm stuck driving, though, because that usually leaves me by myself in the front of the truck with nothing but my own thoughts and occasional people-watching.

 

[solescratcher99]

Depersonalization disorder, bi-polar disorder, cyclothymia, borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder etc. All of these can bring out those symptoms.

Also, diabetes, poor nutrition, drug/alcohol use, menopause and regular hormonal functioning of a person in their late teens early twenties are also safe bets.