"Son, Go Fuck Yourself, Forever"

[Mitchell]

Yes, those are the words my father wrote to me in an e-mail today. Not literally those words, but basically. If that's how he feels, fine, because as of today, in my mind, my father is officially dead.

Most on here know of my ongoing problems with him. As he usually does, he contacted me on my birthday, with a check. As I always do, I thanked him. I wrote him a correspondence a short time later, about my shattered feelings, and about all the awful things, he has done to hurt and harm me. The letter, as one might expect, included some hurt, and also some anger. My situation with him isn't pretty. I certainly did not expect him to agree with everything I said, but an acknowlegement of something like "Mitch, I'm sorry I hurt you, and I want to work this out with you, so that we can have something going forward". would have been appropriate. In his letter today, all he did is bitch about his alimony obligation, and to tell me he doesnt "have time to deal with the problems he has with me, or my "psychobabble". There was not one constructive thing in that letter, or anything concilatory. It was merely a rant from a miserable old man who doesnt like how his life turned out. I was thinking back on the lives of my two grandfathers. My maternal grandfather, lost his life's work at age 65, when his pizza oven business failed during the recession of 1974. What did he do? He didnt trash his children or his grandson, or his wife of 37 years. He picked himself by the bootstraps, and went back to being a CPA, the profession he had a license for, but had put on the back burner for 22 years, to focus on his oven business. I knew about what happened to his business, and tried never to bring it up to him, because of the hurt I knew he had. Occasionally, my grandfather discussed it, saying something like "When Harvic was alive, I did this". He used to always say to me "If I didnt have Grandma, your mom, your aunts, and you, I might have packed it all in, but I knew I couldnt, because I had so many people who loved me". Alan, my father, used to make fun of my grandfather, calling him a "drunken failure". Alan, you son of a bitch, my grandfather was more of a man then you''ll ever be. At least he didnt trash his children, for everyone else in his life.

Alan's father, too, had business problems in his life. He had several jobs that didnt work out, and several failed businesses. My paternal grandfather was a complex person, but he wasnt a bad man. He was with his wife, his children, and me, until the end. There was no way in hell he would have sacrificed any of his children.

So, Alan, if you dont have time to deal with my "psychobabble", fine, you dont ever have to deal with me again, you prick, for the rest of your miserable life. Just keep dealing with, and sucking up to, your filthy slut, who has done everything to pull us apart. That is who you need to be with, and the only person who matters to you.

In my mind, you are dead, Alan. Even if in the future you ever try to contact me, you cannot retract what you did. If you had sent me a letter about your hurt feelings, I never would have responded with such a cold, callous reply, even if I didnt agree with you. For you not to agree with me, that is your right, and I accept that, and would have been willing to talk to you about it, but to tell me you dont have time to deal with my "psychobabble". No. That is saying fuck you for life to me. If that's how you feel, fine, be that way, you fuck!


I expect I'm going to get feedback on this of both sides. However, before I get ripped, I would like those who choose to do so, to think of how they would feel, if they received a letter like that from a father, after they wrote them about their hurt feelings, when the father had a lifetime, of causing hurt and harm.

That's all. I'm done. Today is day one of the rest of my life without Alan. Hopefully, I will have a wonderful prosperous life, and a force greater than either myself or Alan, will punish that son of a bitch, and his slut, for all the pain and harm he's caused me.

Fuck you, Alan, go to hell!

Mitch

 

[Excess]

Fathers suck. Go figure. I dunno if he'll get whatever is coming to him but in any case you're better off with him out of your life completely.

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks for the reply, Excess, and I do agree with you that I'm better off having him out of my life completely.

I do agree with you that Fathers can suck. I dont think all of them, suck, though. Funny thing is, of all the friends I had in my life, Alan was the worst father out of all my friends fathers. Most of my other friends, male and female, had good to great relationships with their fathers. Tragically, I have two close friends now whose fathers passed away, but both of them told me, that their fathers were wonderful to them.

I'll be okay. Thank God I have my mom. She has been an awesome mother to me. So, as much as what Alan does hurts like hell, at least I can say I still have mom. We're very close, and I cherish her.

Thanks again, Excess, the support is appreciated.

Mitch

 

[Excess]

NP, I know where you're coming from kind of since my father left when I was very young.

I guess I've just not had good experience with fathers is all. I've seen good ones and kind of wished I had one at times though. At this point I've pretty much lost my mother. I had a grandma growing up though, but then I believe 'technical family' doesn't mean as much as it does that you've just had people there for you.

 

[jm157]

Mitchell, just remember:

Living well is the best revenge!

I have a very good relationship with my father. He is 82 years old now, and I don't know how much longer I will have him. I really don't know what I will do without him. And I am 52 years old myself!

I feel for you and your loss. I hope that life will maybe bring you back together under better circumstances. In other words, I hope that your father has a tremendous change of heart!

Good luck and good life!

 

[Mitchell]

Excess, I'm very sorry to hear that your father left when you were young, and that you've pretty much lost your mother. I can only imagine how much that hurts you.

The fucked up thing about Alan is that even though he was emotionally abusive to me my whole life, I lived with him until I was almost 20. My mom tried everything, but he just wouldnt listen. In the 20 years that my parents have been split, I saw him, and talked to him consistently for a total of four years, between 2000 and 2004. Other than that, except for the year 2006 when we talked on the phone for a year, but didnt see each other, and scattered other times in the 1990s, we've been estranged for 16 of the 20 years my parents have been split.

Alan has been in treatment, in the past, and has been told to submit himself for further treatment, through the years, but he hasnt. He believes that as long as he has a slut, he's fine. I truly think he doesnt believe he has any other problems, except that he has to pay alimony to my mom.

I'll be okay. As this usually does, it will hurt a lot for a while, and then go away. I havent seen him since November, 2003, so it isnt like he's been in my life.

Heaven help anyone who tried to get me back together with him. I've told all friends, both platonic, and romantic, about him, and they all said they understood. So far, none of my romantic interests have ever tried to get me back together with him. If anyone or their family does that, that person is history, immediately. I will not have my boundaries crossed over.

Again, Excess, thanks for the feedback, my friend. It is appreciated.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

JMD, thanks very much for your support. I appreciate it.

I hope and pray that your father is with you for a long time. That's wonderful that you have a good relationship with him., You're a lucky man.

I expect I will live the rest of his life without my father. He wont have a change of heart for a couple of reasons. One, his slut wants us estranged, and he is deathly afraid of losing her, because he cant pay two ex wives alimony. Two, he has a grudge against me, because I am estranged from his family, and have been for over 20 years, due to their abuse of me in my childhood.

At times, it doesnt hurt like this, and it is just a sad situation that's there. After an outburst like this from him, the hurt comes, but, eventually, it will subside.

Thanks again, JMD, and all the best to you and your dad.

Mitch

 

[Rich P]

Jeez Mitch....That's a hell of a burden to have to bear. I do feel for you, brother.

My dad and I had our rocky points, like any father and son. However, one day while I was driving on the road somewhere, it hit me like a ton of bricks.


I simply realized that "You know, you aren't as smart as you thought you were."

My dad will be 71 this year, and, after a heart attack in 1999, as healthy as a horse. He taught my brother and I right from wrong, taught us the philosophy of hard work, integrity, and honesty.

When I was younger, we argued all the time. I thought I knew it all.

However, when I got older, I realized I didn't.

Last year, when I was down visiting my folks, my Dad and I were driving to a baseball game in Port St. Lucie, and we were talking about my brother. He's apparently been going to a therapist. I guess my brother has been blaming my dad for everything, and the therapist called my Dad an "enabler".

When I heard this, I went through the frigging roof.

My Dad helped both of us out financially when we needed it, and never asked for a dime back. When something broke at my brothers house, my Dad would fix it. Anything he needed, my Dad would provide.

I just hope when it's all said and done, people can look at me and say "He was as good a man as his Dad".

 

[ParanoidChant]

Damn.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, Mitch. It sounds like you made the right decision, but god, what a wrenching one to make.

I have been blessed with a Superman of a father, the type of person who leads you through life by making you not want to let him down. Even though I'm an aimless fuck-up who hasn't sought a day of higher education (my old man's a professor even), the one metric he measures me by is whether or not I'm happy with myself. That kind of support has been invaluable to me.

I hope that your new life without Alan turns out blessed and blissful. If ya ever need a friend or an open ear man, there's always my PM box.

 

[Mitchell]

Rich, thanks for your support, my friend. I'm glad to hear that even though your dad and you had your rocky points in the past, it seems like you are much better with him now.

My father's problem is that he never listens to anyone except those people who tell him to treat his son like shit. He was in therapy, for years, with many different therapists, all of whom used to tell him the same thing "Alan, this is your child, dont emotionally abuse him because you cant control him, and because he doesnt want to love everyone you say he should. He's a good boy." I'll admit I was a bit of a class clown when I was a kid, and my father did get a few calls from school, until, I was, say, in Junior High, but, I was always honorable, never did anything illegal, etc. In fact, I had an eating disorder, and was anorexic, until my parents split. Who knew I'd end up over weight as I did, with high BP?

The bottom line is: My father hates me because he cant control me. His mother and brother were very verbally abusive to me during my childhood. I tried, for years, to get them to change, until I finally had to get rid of them when I was 18, because I couldnt take it anymore. My father's treatment of me was contingent on how I treated other people, and not him. If I was okay with his mother and brother, he was usually civil to me. If, however, I was having problems with them, or was estranged from them, as I was many times in my childhood, until the final estrangement from them, he would alternate from being explosively verbally abusive, to being cold, and just not talking to me. Now, he hates my guts, because I refuse to see his wife, who is a miserable human being, who married him when we were estranged, and passed judgement on how I should have "called" my grandmother, even though my father's wife didnt come into his life until I was 26, and even though she never met me, to hear from me why I was estranged from my grandmother, or my uncle.

I'm a strong believer in never being estranged from family, which is why I gave my grandmother and uncle, and my father, chance after chance. My grandmother and uncle's problems were two fold. One, they were jealous, because, when my mom and my father were married, my father was far more successful financially than my uncle was. Second, I was much closer to my mom's parents, than my father's mother, because they were awesome to me, and she was abusive. Instead of trying to change her behavior, she once said to my aunt, (my father's sister, and her daughter). "Mitchell will be sorry, he has a lot to lose". My father carried out her prophecy. The witch finally died at 93, over three years ago, as I've posted on here before. While I always felt sad about not having a relationship with her for much of my life, I never regretted not seeing her, after she caused me such harm, and such problems, in my family, and in my relationship with my father. I finmly believe that after she died, my father made a vow never to see me again. He hasnt, as we havent seen each other since Nov, 2003.

Thanks again, Rich, your support means a lot.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Paranoid, thanks so much for your support. It means a lot to me, my friend. I'm very glad to hear that your dad bases his views of you on whether you are happy with yourself. My father, has, on rare occasions, verbalized such to me, but he never acts out what he says, due to his illness.

Thanks for the PM box offer. I will be sure to contact you if I want to vent. Thanks so much again for your support.

Mitch

 

[kirasao]

I can relate...

Well, I haven't seen or heard from my father since the summer of my eighth birthday. This summer, I'll be 27, if that tells you anything. My father, too, is a walking, talking, anthropomorphic piece of shit. He beat me and my sisters when we were very young. He also beat my mother nearly to death many times.
I think the earliest memory I can clearly recollect is watching my father beat my mother in the head with a flashlight. She later slashed up his flesh in many places with the same bowie knife that he bought her as a birthday present. lol I love the irony. (It didn't kill the lucky bastard, btw.) If there's any point I'm trying to make here, it's that you're among friends that totally understand what you're going through. And...what goes around comes around. I hope I didn't get that backwards.

 

[Mitchell]

Kirasao, I'm so sorry to hear about how your father abused you and your family. He sounds like a brutal, horrible man. Hopefully, he will get repaid by a greater force for his crimes.

I understand your point, and I thank you for your support. I feel very fortunate for the support I'm receiving from those who respond in regard to this issue.


Take care, my friend.

Mitch

 

[MasterPaladin]

Mitch for whatever it means to you I think you made the right choice. I was always taught you have to look out for or take care of #1 first and your #1 because if you don't you can't take care of anything else. It is important that you believe in yourself in that you made the right choice then life will go forward. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't second guess yourself now is the time to move on to better things.

 

[Mitchell]

MP, Thank you for your support. It means a lot.

The type of person I am, I always try to consider my family and friends first, and myself second. I would have dumped my uncle and grandmother, years before I actually did, but continued to see them, to please my father.

I went to a couneslor at my college during my parents divorce, who always used to tell me, just as you said, "Mitch, you have to take care of yourself".

I know I made the right decision, but I was forced into it. It hurts like hell, but I know I had no other choice.

This may sound cruel, but maybe poetic: I truly hope that my father and his slut are punished by a force greater than me. They are truly evil people. My father for what he did to me in my life. (Some of which I cant even post on here, because its too horrible) My father's slut for marrying him, and taking advantage of a sick man, to finish his relationship with his son.

Right now, I'm just trying to awaken, after a relatively sleepless night. I know I cant go on having sleepless nights, or I'll get sick.

Thanks again, MP. I appreciate it.

Mitch

 

[Morpheus72]

Hi Mitchell,

We've talked a bit before about this in former threads, and my PM box is open, if you need it.

Take care of yourself!

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, Morpheus. The good wishes are appreciated, my friend.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

I was talking to a friend who works at our local mall today. This gentleman has had estrangements from family members. (Not parents, but siblings). He is the very calm type, and advised me to try not to beat myself up about it. Sound advice, I know, but it's extremely difficult when one sends a father an emotion filled e-mail about his devestated feelings, and the scumbag responds as he did.

Hopefully, there will now be silence between my father and myself. Maybe, if I'm not saying anything to him at all, the hurt and anger will begin to disappate, even if I never see the Son of A Bitch again

Thanks again to all who supported me in this thread.

Mitch

 

[xSamanthax]

Mitch,

Hang in there, hon. I think you will find you like your life a whole lot better sans the toxicity that is/was poisoning you. It's hard, and I think you should allow yourself to grieve a bit over the loss. Going forward, you can create/choose your own family. =)

Sounds to me like your dad didn't have a great role model to begin with for parenting. Sadly enough, these things become legacies that get passed down. Some people just aren't good parenting material period (my sister is a fine example) - but manage to breed anyway. Not an excuse for his choices though. My mom was a great example of someone choosing to end a bad cycle - it wasn't perfect (oh boy was it not perfect, lol) - but you could see very clearly the efforts she made to not become HER mother. She at least recognized the issues and TRIED.

big hugs.

 

[BlackestLily]

Most on here know of my ongoing problems with him. As he usually does, he contacted me on my birthday, with a check. As I always do, I thanked him. I wrote him a correspondence a short time later, about my shattered feelings, and about all the awful things, he has done to hurt and harm me. The letter, as one might expect, included some hurt, and also some anger. My situation with him isn't pretty. I certainly did not expect him to agree with everything I said, but an acknowlegement of something like "Mitch, I'm sorry I hurt you, and I want to work this out with you, so that we can have something going forward". would have been appropriate. In his letter today, all he did is bitch about his alimony obligation, and to tell me he doesnt "have time to deal with the problems he has with me, or my "psychobabble".

I'm sorry you have to go through with this Mitch. I do feel for you. As per my own experience with..."different fatherly figures", I suspect his check is his way (and only way) of showing his care. By beng confronted, he feels he is being accused of something he doesn't want to see himself as. Natural response for him dictates he must go on his version of the defensive. I can tell you that people that truly have something worth apologizing for usually don't have it in them to take responsibility for that action.

There was not one constructive thing in that letter, or anything concilatory. It was merely a rant from a miserable old man who doesnt like how his life turned out.

In his mind I imagine he was trying to say, "You think you have it bad? Look what I have."

So, Alan, if you dont have time to deal with my "psychobabble", fine, you dont ever have to deal with me again, you prick, for the rest of your miserable life. Just keep dealing with, and sucking up to, your filthy slut, who has done everything to pull us apart. That is who you need to be with, and the only person who matters to you.

Please don't let the things he say start a fire in you. It will make you sick when the reason you chose to not speak to him was for peace with yourself and the situation. You cannot control others, nor what they say or do. You can only control your own feelings and how you react. It will take a bit of time, but I imagine with some working through in your mind, you can get through this. What he's doing and how he is...is not normal healthy human behavior. I suspect it's a combination of hurt and his prideful nature in defending himself and his own shortcomings.

I do wish you the best and hope you get through this healthily and happily. Best of luck.

 

[Mitchell]

Purr Blast, Thank you for your response and analysis.

The way I see it is this: I don't feel sorry for him at all. There's the emotional destruction he did to me, and then the financial desctruction he did to my mom.

My mom is currently receiving the same alimony that she did.. 17 years ago. She has never had a cost of living increase, and her income has declined greatly, due to an investment that dried up years ago. He has been holding her under blackmail, threatening that if she goes to court to try to get an increase, he will either not pay, or will kill her.

My father and his wench are living in a $4500 a month NYC apartment, as my mom quietly took her hits, and lives in a $900 a month one. I dont want to hear his financial "problems". If you're having problems, mister, move the hell out of your $4500 a month apartment. You dont have to live in such a place. He has never tried to be reasonable with my mom. She got no property settlement, no cost of living increase, has no medical insurance, and has no insurance for her alimony in case he dies. She asks for nothing from him, other than to please have the check here on time. If he doesnt like alimony, tough. There is no compromising with this guy. She's told him "Alan, I want to understand times are tough. Please send me half the alimony on the 1st so I can pay my rent, and half after." He refuses to do ANYTHING to rectify the situation.

The laws of this country are so screwed up. Alan can likely get away with not paying alimony, and can put my mom in the street, with little happening to him. (He once didnt pay for four months, years ago, and the judge rewarded him with a reduction), but if I walked up to him, and punched the fucker in the nose, for his blackmail, and his murderous threats of "I will not pay at all, if your mother tries to go to court for an increase" I would go to jail. Welcome to the United States of America.

The best thing I can do is to stay far away from him. He has threatened my life, on many occasions. He was once in trouble with a client, who had "connections", and said to me things like "You and your mother will need to find cemetery plots from either the client, or me". One time, my mom went to court, to get a restraining order from Alan, when he threatened her life, and the fucking judge wanted to issue ALAN a restraining order! What for, I dont know, because my mom never threatened him!

I just hope he does what he has to, and that one day, God punishes him. He deserves it. He has done things to me that I cant even post about on here.

Thanks again for the support.

Mitch

 

[xionking]

Sorry to hear about your situation, Mitchell. I hope in time things can smooth out.

It sounds like your father may not like himself very much these days, and it's being projected onto you. It's unfair, and hopefully one day you'll receive that appology.

-Xionking

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks for the support, xion.

Truly, I think my father hates himself. He thinks that his only problem is that he has to pay alimony to my mom. In reality, the guy had the life of Riley, and he shot the moon.

I may have posted on here before how he was business manager for the rock group Kiss from 1973 to 1980. He also made tons of money in the 1980s, from consulting, real estate, and oil and gas. We had a 5,000 sq foot home in CT, an apt in NYC, two Jaguars, took trips to the finest places, etc. He just blew it all up, because he felt guilt, that he had surpassed his babyhood family, and earned far more than his brother, who was very jealous of him, did.

Since then, he's had certain times he's done okay with the company he's with now, but he never saw the heights like that again. My father is a very tortured man, and believes that his worst enemies in life are my mom, and me. My father believes that his wife, and his brother, are his best friends, even though they promoted the estrangement from me for 20 years. My father has been advised to go for help, but wont go.

I highly doubt he will ever be any different. It hurts, but I have no choice but to accept it.

Thanks again for the support, xion.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

An update:

Shortly after I posted the last post in this thread, I got another email from my father. In it he said "If you dont think I honor my alimony obligation because I'm your father, than I dont know what to say". That is a very ambigious statement. His alimony obligation is a court order for my mom, and is a seperate issue from his situation with me. I have a Dr's appt to get my BP checked in 2 weeks, and need to keep myself calm. I wrote him and told him I will get back to him after the appt.

This is escalating, and I dont like his comment about the alimony. Now I dont know what to think.

I guess I just have to put it out of my mind for 2 weeks.

Mitch

 

[Artoo]

I can empathise in some ways, Mitch.

I can only say that you're in my thoughts, as is your father - I hope things turn out for the better, whatever that may be.

My father and I are going through some stuff at the moment, and we're currently not speaking to each other. We've both hurt each other in the past, though I firmly believe that what I've done was subconciously done in retaliation, as a result of how he treated me.

Sometimes I feel like removing him from my life completely, that it would be so much easier on me in some respects. Who knows, maybe that will happen one day. But I know how hard it would be on my mother if I did. And I couldn't do that to her.

So, for the time being, I'm gonna be plodding on, trying to work at this sham of a father-son relationship.