Taking A Turn For The Worst..

[milagros317]

You have done all that you can and all that is humanly possible for her, Mitch. I am very sorry for your impending loss. I hope that you have the strength to face the end with some sense of peace.

 

[Marquis De Sade]

Sounds like insurance and money is what it boils down to. Which if that's true, is bullshit. I'm really sorry all this is happening Mitch. My prayers for the strength you're going to need from here on out man.

 

[GEORGIATKLER]

Mitchell: You have done EVERYTHING you could for your mother. When someone gets so sick they cannot be safely cared for at home, THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE, than the choice you made. It no longer is feasible to provide at home care. You will still visit her as often as you can and still be doing EVERYTHING you can for her. Those relatives crass enough to criticize are beyond reproach. Best wishes and prayers for you both.

 

[Leo tickles]

I'm not known to believe in higher powers, but, for what it's worth, I said a prayer for you and yours Mitch. I've been checking back here all day and even talked to my girl friend about it and she agrees that this is very tragic.

If you need me, you know where the PM is and you are more than welcome to ask for my Facebook or number or whatever else you need to contact me.

 

[kis123]

Wow.........just wow.

My heart goes out to you completely especially since you have to do this yourself. I was my mom's caregiver too and when she was told nothing else could be done for her, she had a nervous breakdown and your mom's symptoms are a close match to my mother's. No matter what she says remain strong and by her side because she really doesn't mean or have much more control over what she says.

I would prepare to sue the crap out of these hospitals; how the hell can they decide not to treat a patient? What happened to comfort care measures? I thought Cleveland Clinic was the only hospital that did that, but they refuse if you don't have insurance.

My mother did end up in a nursing home and she wanted it that way and didn't want to die in her or anyone else's house.

I am optimistic over your father's participation; better late than not at all. Just enter with both eyes open and with few expectations because leopards generally don't change their spots. Take things slowly because you're overwhelmed enough as it is.

I wish you well and bid you peace during this trying time.........

 

[Angel77]

I'm so sorry to hear of this Mitch. I haven't been on the forum that much so this is the first I'm hearing of your mother's relapse. And what Myriads said, for sure.

Towards the end, my mom would say/do all kinds of stuff out of character. She didn't even know either. It was the cancer talking. Hang in there and please try to just let it bounce off of you. Know you did all you could and let that comfort you.

Prayers being said for you guys.

 

[venray]

Mitch...there is not much I can add except to say that Tracy and I will hold you and the family in our thoughts and prayers and we will be here when you need us to be...

 

[Mitchell]

I just came home to change and do laundry. I want to thank everyone for their prayers. It means so much.

I dont think I have a suit. I dont want to sue. I just want my mom's last days to be peaceful.

Since I was last home, I have more information.

I was told by the Drs last night that my mom has two options. Do nothing, be comfortable, and die, within likely 60 days or less.. Or..,. take something called what I believe is Gamma Brain radiation, with some side effects, and extend life. They are talking months, not years. I took the radiologist Dr to the room today, and my mom clearly told him she doesnt want to do nothing and die. So.. we will take the brain radiation, and hope and pray for the best.

I was prepared to do whatever my mom wanted. My aunt, I, and my father, thought maybe it was time for her not to suffer, and just to pass. (To be clear, my fathers position is NOT because he wants her check back.) With all my bitching about him on here through the years, he has been wonderful to me since I called him. He said if they were still married, and even now, he wouldnt want her to suffer.

My aunt thinks that its two things: One, my mom is afraid to die. Two, she doesnt want to leave me, even though my dad will get me a position, and help me set up a life. My dad was upset today because he thought she was only hanging on for me, and wanted to send her a letter, telling her he'll make sure I'm okay, and to go to peace if she wants to. My aunt and I think such a letter is premature.

I dont delude myself to believe she has long. I'll be thankful if I get to spend one last Mother's Day with her. Once the Dr explained the side effects, I told him that if she really is suffering, to please encourage her to stop. He said we have to take it all one day at a time.

I got an email from my mom's Dr in NJ. He said he wants to treat her himself. With her physical condition now, that isnt possible. I told him if she improves, we can discuss it.

Thanks everyone. The support means more than you can imagine. When my mom's time does come, in two months, or six, I know you all will be there for me, to lean on during the worst time of my life.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Ever since I found out the horrid news last week, one song has been ringing through my head, constantly. "Steal My Sunshine". I'm not sure if the meaning is the same, but.. that's exactly how I'm going to feel when my mom does pass away, like God has stolen my sunshine. My mom and I, although not religious, have often talked that people are on loan to each other on earth for such a short time. Even a one hundred year life, while considered long, is but a blink in the span of all time. My mom, unless a miracle happens, will be 74 when she passes away, younger than each of her parents, and two of her grandparents, and one of her great, great grandparents.

She is steadfast that she doesnt believe shes going to die. I've been a rock, but if she sees so much as a tear, like if I'm weeping during a convo with my aunt, my mom goes off on me. I know as the patient, she has to believe.

I just dont want her to suffer. I will likely have a bit more time with her by her taking treatment, than i would if she does nothing. The Dr said he doesnt believe she will die that quickly if she takes the radiation. I worry about "Quality of Life", but, that decision is my mom's to make. I firmly support her choice.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

One other point that Myriads and a few others made, that I want to address, since I cant access the forum from the hospital..

You guys say that I can do no more than I have. My father and my aunt keep telling me this. They say I have been a wonderful son to her, and that I cant feel guilty, or beat myself up. I firmly told my dad that its not "guilt" I have, but that I did it out of love. I wont feel guilty when my mom dies. I know that I've been a very attentive son to her, most often staying with her 24-7 at the hospitals except for bathrooms, meals, and short breaks home. I will just feel, as I said before, heartbroken, etc. I'm home now, and its eeriely quiet without my mom. This is how it will be, forever, except for when my aunt comes to visit for a week, unless I decide to get married, and have kids.

I keep thinking that I should pack the apartment while shes in her final days, and get the hell out of here ASAP when she passes. Living here after she dies, for any length of time, will be too painful. I dont know if I can face the packing now, or later.

My brain is racing. I know I have to take it one step at a time. Next thing is to meet with the Dr about treatment left, and to see what facility my mom gets into.

I hope to be home again in a few days,. As to whether that will be for good, I dont know.

Mitch

 

[Myriads]

Getting ahead on packing up the apartment might keep you occupied and distracted, and if you are planning on leaving asap then it's not a bad idea. But it also has costs in how your relatives may view you. They will see your action as perhaps a sign of your wanting to split and non commitment. So know that it is a choice that can cost.

As to your mother not accepting her own end, this is 100% in line with natural human psychology. There is a big difference between knowing you will die at some point, and being at that point and accepting the frightening concept of 'Soon I may not exist'. Not many can do that, so they will deny they will die to the very end.

You are doing the right thing, thinking ahead. Keep it up

Myriads

 

[ticklebunny 2]

I am so very sorry Mitchell. I am sorry you have to go through this scary and very upsetting time. I am sorry your mother is very sick and sadly in her last final days before she called home to Heaven-so sorry. I just want you to know I share my condolences and so does ticklebear2. We are so sorry for this great loss and wish there was more we could say or do to help make this time not so heartbreaking. So sorry. Yes just know in your heart you have been a great son and you have done all you can and deep down in your mother's heart she knows this. Please try not to take to the heart the harsh and hurtful things she is saying. It could likely be the tumor and she does not know what she is saying. Also sadly it is likely she is just scared and not ready -like someone said-like Leo Tickles said -death is something none of us have the experience first-hand on dealing with-this scares her-she sadly does not want it soon to be the end. All you can do is just be there for her and let her know w your words and actions you love her-care about her-cherish the time you both have left and just listen and be there for your mom. I wish I knew words of comfort to share-but sadly there truly are none-even if you ask the questions and seek the answers-no answers are good enough-when you are losing a dear loved one. If you want to talk -I am here for you-here to listen also. May God be with you and bring you comfort and may you feel his love-soon feel a peace beyond understanding-knowing you did all you could-never have to regret-never have to say why didn't I spend more time w mom while she was here and living-because you won't have to deal with that. Those that have not been there for your mom-did not spend that time-will have that regret but not you. Sending hugs, so sorry for your loss Mitchell. Yes likely a good idea to spend some time working on packing up stuff getting ready to move-so you will be ready

Also as sad and heartbreaking as it is-if you haven't yet-probably a good idea to start getting ideas from your mom-those you can count on-know what your mom would want-what she might like-last final arrangements-funeral preparation as the time gets closer and draws near-that way when that time does come-if you have it done a little bit ahead-you won't have to deal with the pain and grief of your mom's death-have to plan a funeral at the same time-that is why good idea to have some things pre-planned a bit before that time comes. I hope this helps. I know it is the last thing you want to think of-but it is important-you don't want to be bogged down trying to arrange a funeral-showings and things like that-have to deal with feeling the pain and grief at the same time-if that happens you might end up suppressing and burying back the pain and grief-later after it is all over-if you happen to be alone-not with loved ones-not w family-could make the pain and grief of losing your mom-that much more intense and worse. So if you can-try to get a idea what she would want and start pre-planning what she might want. My heart goes out to you soon to be losing a loved one is a sad misery. Hugs

 

[Jagermeistered]

You and your mom are still in my thoughts, Mitch.

 

[Leo tickles]

Still rooting for you buddy. Keeping up with this thread daily to check for updates. Shout out if you need me. And what Myriads said.

 

[ticklemepls]

cleaning out old memories and going through things to pack after someone we loves dies isn't something anyone can tell you when you're ready to do. i know when my dad passed, my mom knew if she didnt start that night that she'd never get rid of anything... so thats what she did... then she sold the house and moved. as painful as it was when she did it- it was the right time for her. i did not view her differently nor was i upset that she started doing things so soon. if she wasnt cleaning something, she was in a trance-like state just staring off into space. my aunt, on the other hand... has yet to get rid of ANYTHING (and i mean that literally as his clothes and everything remain). even though he had cancer and she knew he wasnt going to make it- she couldnt bear to go through things.. and still cant. everyone is different and everyone will have an opinion about what you do.... but do what is right for you... if you feel splitting the scene soon after- thats completely up to you... if your family cares, they'll listen to your explanation and accept that its whats best for you.

 

[Libertine]

Life is finite and not everyone gets more than 75 or 80 years. Some get less. As I said in a previous post, both my parents died of cancer, my father aged 77, my mother aged 62. Since I have no siblings and my folks were the youngest of their respective families, essentially my own family life ended and I was on my own aged 32. However, a lot of people have it worse.

Through personal experience I can tell you that unfortunately the terminally ill can get so vile toward the end you'd almost cheerfully do them in yourself, along with some of the relatives who've been bitching at you too. Then you feel lousy about feeling that way. As the nurse said, "it's the tumour talking', but that doesn't make things easier.

As for further treatment, here's a link to an article from a British newspaper that might help you with some final choices.

"Why most doctors like me would rather die than endure the pain of treatment we inflict on others for terminal diseases: Insider smashes medicine's big taboo."

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/a...ie-endure-pain-treatment-advanced-cancer.html

Thank your mother while she can still understand, learn to ignore the insults, stand up to the relatives, with the consolation that the worst ones will desert you afterwards, consult with your father and hope for a quick resolution.

Then get on with your life, and good luck to you.

 

[Mitchell]

The Final Decision-Letting Nature Take Its Course

I want to thank everyone for their support. Yesterday a decision was made. It was painful, but necessary..

Three doctors confirmed to me yesterday that my mom taking treatment at this point would only extend life a bit, and would cause side effects that arent worth the treatment. The decision was made to let nature take it's course.

I had to sign a Do Not Rescitate Order. This means that from yesterday forward, if my mom passes away, or goes into cardiac arrest or organ failure, they will let her pass.

While the doctors cannot give me an exact time frame for her passing, as I think I posted previously, the most likely scenario they are saying is that my mom will pass away in anywhere from two to eight weeks, give or take. How it will happen is she will have more periods of sleep, with a possbility of her being in a coma for a week or two, and then just pass away. She will be given food as long as she's awake, IV's once she's unconscious, meds to keep her comfortable, and then just pass.

My family, friends, and the people we know in town are shocked. For me, my shock came two weeks ago when I found out she had brain cancer. The Drs in NJ have told me they are stunned and devestated.

She will probably receive nursing home placement on Monday. I will then be back here, and will visit her every day until she passes. After that, I will bury her in NY, stay with my father for a bit, and then return to Lancaster and pack.

As I will be in Lancaster when she passes, I will let everyone know when she dies. I dont plan to take my laptop to NY while there, and I dont want my father to know about this interest. The chaplin I spoke to this week, agreed with me.

My mom alternates between being friendly and silly to the doctors, etc, and abusive to me. I hope she softens before she does go unconscious, so we can share last tender moments together.

Thats the latest. Thanks again.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks again.

Myriads, you make a good point., Two things are going through my mind though.

One, I'm exhausted, first from the shock of the diagnosis, being in the hospital for two weeks, and my mom's abuse of me. When I do come home, I may need to collapse for a few days., My aunt is also going to come for a week, as the sisters have not seen each other in several years, and my aunt wants to see my mom before my mom dies.

I dont think I can bring myself to throw out or give away my mom's things while she's still alive. Its like putting her in the grave early. I might just sort things out, and then pack.

I might be here for a month or two after she passes. Another issue is my lease expires on April 30, and I dont want to sign another year. I think I can get a 90 day extension. Long before July 30, even if she passes.. in early May.. I will be out of here.

The apartment is eeriely quiet. I know this is how it will be from now on.

I should have known my mom is fading. This month, I got shut off notices for the power, cell phone, and landline. She always paid it, and has the money. I took care of it, and will be paying all bills from now on.

I may be home Monday if she has nursing home placement. I'll keep everyone posted.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

I should also post that we are already having "legistics" about the aftermath of my mom's passing.

As I've posted before, I'm Jewish, but not religious., As Jews, and non Jews must know, there is a period of three to seven days after a funeral called Shiva, where the family doesnt work, or do anything fun, and they sit, discuss the person who passed, and recieve family/friends.

When my maternal grandparents died, we sat formal shiva for three days each time. I know that with it being tax season, and his company's issues, my dad cant take off time from work except for the day my mom dies so I can go there, and then for the funeral. Today my aunt was already like "where are we going to sit shiva?" Not at my dad's certainly. They cant come here, as it is 150 miles away. I'm half thinking that since my dad and his wife have to work, I should just go to the office with him on the day he goes back to work, and help him with stuff. Sitting in his apartment all day myself if hes at work, will make me crazy.

I know I shouldnt be thinking so far ahead, but I also know I cant come back to Lancaster the day of the funeral, or the day after. Such will make me crazy. I think I should spend a few days, with family and friends, to hopefully soften the blow, of my first days without my mom.

Mitch

 

[B'rab'atroi]

Mitchell, I'm very sorry. I'm finding out for myself how Cancer is a bitter pill. I hope your mother passes peacefully and you get to spend time and say your good byes before she expires. Once again, I'm very sorry.

 

[Mitchell]

Thank you, Brab. I appreciate your thoughts. I'm at the hosp with her 24-7 except for a few hrs a week at home. I will spend time with her and say goodbye before she passes.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

One other thing:

My aunt has been telling me that I should shut my cell phone off every night when I go to bed, once I get home, so in case my mom dies in the middle of the night, they wont wake me up. No. I want to know when she dies. My grandmother died at 6am in the morning. The night before, when we knew the end was near, my mom made the decision to shut the phone off, so we wouldnt get the Drs call if my grandmother died in the middle of the night. I got up around 7 that morning, heard the Drs voice on the answering machine, and went in to tell my mom. Sure enough she called the Dr, and my grandmother had just died, at 645 am exactly I believe.

My dad says I can wake him at 3am if my mom dies then. My aunt doesnt want me to call her until 6. If my mom does die in the middle of the night, I want to know about it then. When a life changing event like a parent's death happens, you dont wait, in my opinion.

Mitch

 

[Angel77]

Hey Mitch,

If you don't want to turn your phone off, don't. That's your decision regarding your mom, not your aunt's. A lot of times too, as with my mom, they'll call you once she starts showing signs that the end is near so you might actually be with her when that happens (if that's something you want to do). You'll have time to get there and spend that day or night with her but again, that's a very personal decision for you to make and there's really no right or wrong to it. Sometimes our loved ones wait until they're alone to go and sometimes they are surrounded by family and/or friends. It just depends on how things go because we can't control that really.

I remember praying and asking God if at all possible, please let me be there when my mother goes. And for me, I got to be there when my mom passed away. She was there with my father, my sister and myself. And it was the most powerful thing I've ever experienced.

They say seeing someone take their first breath is powerful (been there a few times with friends and my sister) but for me, seeing someone take their last breath was even more powerful.

I'm by no means an expert with this stuff but if I can give you any advice right now, try to hang in there the best that you can. Don't worry about anything else right now besides your mother. Everyone/everything else will be there after she goes, believe me. This is time you'll never get back so spend as much time with her as you can and take comfort knowing you did your very best.

Praying for you,

Angel

 

[Gothika]

sorry to hear that man best to not let her suffer anymore tho as hard as it will be i wish ya the best man

 

[kurchatovium]

Sorry to hear this my friend but I think you are doing the right thing. You and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers always.