Very Depressed About Emotions and Feet

[Ocean]

I feel like complete shit.

I was in a relationship for almost 5 years, and we were engaged. She was perfect, from her head, down to her toes -- literally. And for awhile, she was as perfect inside as she was on the outside, but that changed and that's a whole 'nother story.

Anyway..

I've been trying to date again, but I find that if almost every woman is a compromise from the one who used to be mine, especially as far as their feet, and I find that, that in particular completely kills all chances of a relationship for me.

I know, how shallow that sounds.

I've always said I'm not a shallow person, but maybe I am? I don't know now, honestly.

When I fell in love with my ex, it was because of her whole being -- not just her body, but her soul. I fell in love with her for her intelligence, her spirit, her energy, and everything from the top of her head to the soles of her feet.

After that connection had been made, she meant so much to me that even if she had become a horribly disfigured burn victim, she would have still been the only one I wanted, and still have been the most beautiful woman in the world to me. However now, all possibility of even considering someone as a significant other is destroyed simply if their feet are not the exact kind of feet I like.

I feel like shit, for many reasons. I feel tortured because, I can't help what I want; shallow or not, I desire what I desire, and I don't want it to change because then that would only be a compromise, and it would be unfair both to me and the person I was with to feel deep down inside that they aren't really what I want, and they aren't as "good" as what I had.

What if I meet a really beautiful woman, who has the most beautiful soul, yet I can't have a relationship with her, simply because I am turned off by her feet, which are a major part of my sexuality.

I feel so depressed and confused over this. Any wisdom or advice would be great.

 

[Elphaba]

Perhaps you're being turned off by these women because you're not ready to move on from your ex? Just an idea.

I know how you feel tho, I recently broke up with my ex of just over four years, we were saving for a house and stuff. It does get better and time does heal and all that lol

 

[usgrant]

Eventually everything turns to shit, get over it and move on to the next thing, it's part of life. You look like you are a young guy and got your health, you really can't ask for anything more. Regroup and meet life head on again! most guys can't figure out women, it's no big deal.

 

[Usually`Bubble]

Perhaps you're being turned off by these women because you're not ready to move on from your ex? Just an idea.

By reading your post, I seem to get that vibe from you also. And the way that you are talking about your ex really sounds like you're hurting majorly and you're still not over her.

I don't think it's a case of you being shallow at all. You say you loved her, and love it's not something you can just switch on and off like a light. Until you give yourself time to move on I doubt any other girl will be of the same perfection as what your ex is.

As time passes, I'm sure you will see things differently. When I experienced a messy break up a few years back I wish someone had told me to wait to find love again but instead to drown my sorrows I rebounded guy after guy and because the wounds were still fresh, I couldn't help but compare them to my ex and I felt like no one could measure up. That really wasn't beneficial for my mental health, and definitely wasn't fair on them.

I reckon just enjoy life, hang out with your mates, and do stuff guys do. The right girl will come along eventually, you've just got to be patient.

 

[Mitchell]

From reading your situation, five years, and an engagement, is a lot of time, and heart, invested in the situation. How you are feeling is completely understandable.

Another poster already said this, but I'll echo it: I would take a break from women for a bit, and allow yourself time to clear your head. With your emotions running so high over your ex, it doesnt sound like it would be productive for you to be involved with a woman for the short term.

Seek out people, and activities you enjoy. By keeping yourself busy with such, you won't be consistently focused on your negative feelings about your ex.

You mentioned "Not compromising". It seems to me that time might change this perspective as well. You might find that.. in a few months, or a year.. you will want to date and become involved again. At that point, you might find that a wonderful girl with the qualities you desire in a significant other, will suit you, even if her feet aren't 100% perfect. (This, by the way, is coming from a guy with a HUGE female foot fetish, so I know all about wanting to be with a girl who has cute feet. ) However, the qualities that are most important to me in a potential significant other are good character, and a good heart.

Good Luck. As someone who has gone through breakups, I know it can be difficult. You seem like a good person. I have confidence that, in time, you will be able to find a girl who is worthy of your attention and love.

Mitch

 

[SoleSearcher]

I completely understand how you feel. I was in a very similar situation that ended a little over a year ago and I am still devastated. As Mitchell said above me, maybe a break from the dating scene will serve you well? I myself haven't wanted to date yet because I know at this point it would only make me feel worse, and beyond that, I would feel like I was "settling."

Thankfully at least most of the replies you've gotten so far have been sympathetic to the situation, but I will say this: NEVER listen to anyone that tells you "enough already, get over it, that's life...etc." Only you know your own heart, and only you know the things that you went through to be feeling the way you do now.

Be strong, bro...I know first hand there really isn't a worse feeling in the world to go through.

 

[Phineas]

First of all, forget all this "shallow" nonsense. It, like the term "stalker", is thrown around way too loosely these days. It seems like if you have any physical preferences at all, someone who doesn't fit them is going to get bent out of shape and label you. So forget it. We all have preferences, be they in personality or appearance.

That said, I, too, was in your situation. I was with my (now ex-)wife for six years total, and it took me well over two to get over her... including the residual anger and various other subtle bits of baggage one doesn't normally think about when a long-term relationship ends. So, I would, in fact, echo the others suggestions; either take a break from finding someone, or just date casually until you're ready to start thinking in the long-term again. If, like me, you hadn't had much experience prior to said long-term relationship you can use this period to sort out what you like and don't like about the people you're dating.

And speaking of what you like and don't like, it's obvious to you that feet are an important part of that. Kudos to you for accepting that part of yourself... and I don't feel it's shallow for you to not want to compromise on a dealbreaker. You're obviously interested in the whole package, so don't think that you have to overlook something very important simply for the sake of being together. Take it from someone who's been there... it will not work out in the long run.

You will, eventually, find someone else you like as much as the last one. I did. She dumped me, but it happens. At least I found her, and I know if I look hard enough, I'll find another one. Keep the faith.

~P

 

[JUICEBOX]

don't give up keep searching..

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

It's clear that you're still mourning the loss of what you felt was a very close to perfect relationship. I think that you're just not ready to move on, and that hesitation is manifesting itself as not being able to find a girl with the right feet. At this point you're comparing every girl to your ex, and until you're completely over her, no one is ever going to measure up. I don't know how long it's been since the breakup, but it seems pretty clear, at least in my opinion, that you need more time to process through everything before you'll find yourself in a healthy, committed relationship again.

Good luck

 

[Ocean]

Sorry it's taken me a few to respond at all.

First thanks everyone so far, even if I don't respond directly to you (I will more later) know that I appreciate your thoughts sincerely.

Most of you seem to be missing the point though, and that's my complete loss of attraction for someone if their feet aren't attractive to me. The issue I'm expressing here isn't being hung up on my ex -- I am in many ways, but not where it prevents me from moving on. Though extremely rare, I've certainly found one or two women I would gladly move on to, however circumstances wouldn't allow; they're married, for one. But yes, I am able and ready to move on, I'm just not finding anyone. Everyone is so disappointing, and lack any depth whatsoever -- the women I've met are all about as deep as a cup of water.

@ Sergio: WHAT? (I knew you in a past life -- I'll explain later, haha.) From speaking with you and reading your posts, you're a deeply kind soul and just as intelligent. And while I am as heterosexual as can be, you're certainly a 10/10 as far as looks go too, so was the woman who left you deaf, dumb, and blind or something? She certainly does not know what she threw away.

@ Phineas: Thank you for your post; it also resonated with me a bit. It helps to have affirmation and reassurance that I shouldn't settle, and you're right -- many of these labels are thrown around and used way too lightly.

 

[TickleSwitch24]

I had a relationship almost exactly like yours. Over time I've realized that that type of relationship isn't necessarily the healthiest, but a more healthy outlook in relationships can be achieved. If you want to know how, find the expert and read their book. I find the Boundaries series of books to be the best foundation.

As for being attractive to womens feet, I again have the same issue. You can't help what you're attracted to and there's nothing wrong with that. You just have to accept that it narrows your field of potential partners, and I'm sure you do.

 

[mustang]

When you do find a suitable partner, I think that it is important to let her know about your 'foot thing' early on. You don't want to get involved and then make the revelation. It is important to know that she can roll with your sexual predilections before it gets serious. Here is another thing to consider. I have known women whose biggest thing was to find a wealthy man. They refused to even go out with someone who was not well to do. This ensured that when a relationship did get serious, it would be with a well-to-do man. The same approach can be useful for foot guys. If their feet don't turn you on, then you will wind up sexually unfulfilled. My first wife was beautiful, but had unattractive feet. This dis-satisfaction led to sexual frustration which in turn led to a divorce. I was very in the closet back then and because of this, in a real sense, the relationship wasn't wholly honest. I enjoyed the sex, but with no foot gratification I eventually lost interest in her sexually. This sounds callous, but like the rest of you I can't help my sexual situation and sex is a vital part of a relationship. After that experience, I checked the feet out early on and was upfront about my foot thing. The rest of my relationships were at least sexually satisfying even if they didn't work out in other areas. As an interesting aside, I saw an interview with Eddie Murphy (comedian) who divulged his foot fetish and told about what a bummer it was to go out with a great looking girl and then to find out that she had ugly toes. I think that all foot guys can relate.

 

[dreamer117]

First, I'd like to credit the community for such considerate and thoughtful replies. Sometimes folks can be juvenile/mean/unhelpful. It is wonderful that almost every post above is fully the opposite.

Second, I've been there too. It truly sucks, so my heart goes out to you. (I've had my heart broken 3 times.) I stayed many years in an unhappy marriage that slowly got worse each year. When I started that relationship I was in the closet about tickling; it actually took me a long time to realize how important it was to me. (Incidentally this did not doom my marriage. I never sought real life about tickling until after we divorced for other reasons. Always dreaming but not acting led to my screen name.)

After my divorce I was a mess for a long time. However I do NOT agree with those who say you should just wait. I'm sure that works for some. But I for one strongly recommend getting out there and looking again, as you have. Just take care not to move too quickly, as Phineas said. Rebounds are likely. Girls who recently broke up themselves may be a good short-term fit. But just date, try to have fun, and keep an eye out for the next Miss Perfect.

They are out there. I myself was nearing despair when I finally found one! Pretty much my dream girl -- smart, cute, fun, sexy, very ticklish -- and she not only let me tickle but even got turned on by it! Unfortunately 6 months later she left me (for longterm kid/family reasons, not about our relationship or tickling at all). So it happens I'm currently left feeling the same way as Phineas. But they DO exist. Keep trying!!

Finally, since I briefly did have everything, I now *know* I cannot ever go back to a relationship without tickling and feet. It is by no means the only thing I care about in a girl. But it is indescribably wonderful when she shares what turns you on most. We can't help how we're wired. Try not to feel bad about that or fight it. I really doubt a relationship with a girl who's not good enough in that way can be sustained for the long haul.

Sorry to ramble. Hope this helps in some small way.

 

[obama666]

When they are in the "Tickling Community" you can be honest about your fetish. When they are out of the "Tickling Community" I would not verbalize about my fetish too much. I mean they are going to find out about it eventually anyway. The majority of partners, when things go wrong, will blame you and point to your quirky fetish as the reason for the breakup. Most people are not walking around with a "Psychology Degree" and are self-centered.

 

[Dax]

Reaction
Wow man. I am really bummed about your story. I've been there before, although never been engaged, but I can still relate to a lot of those general feelings. They suck.

But you should also view it as something exciting, which is the opportunity to start something new. That outlook was extremely helpful for me. Besides, aren't the most fun times in a relationship those times when it is just beginning?

I've definitely been to where you are now: meeting lots of women that are totally underwhelming and disappointing. I think that's, like, a law of physics. For whatever reason, the world works opposite for guys than it does for girls.

When a girl becomes single, she doesn't have to do anything, and eligible guys line up for her. When a guy becomes single, eligible women go into hiding and it takes considerable work to find them.

Conversely, the moment you start dating someone, all of a sudden all the hottest, most fun women you know start inviting you out to do stuff with them. That's when I shake an angry fist at the universe.

Practical Advice
Alright. So here's what you do. You mentioned that there's a couple of women you wouldn't mind. Great. Stay in their good graces and even flirt with them, within ethical limits that is. Often, when a woman is willing to flirt back with you, it means that she is in a sham relationship and the relationship is due to collapse at any moment. When this happens, she is going to need attention: STAT. That is why it is critical to be in prime position to give her that attention. I call this posturing. It's a lot like what those shoppers do on Thanksgiving to take advantage of those Black Friday sales.

Of course, that is an ethical grey area, and if you feel at all dirty or not yourself doing that (which I would understand since you mentioned that at least one of these women is married) then forget that bit of advice and listen to the next bit.

Ask these women to introduce you to friends that they might think you'd like. You'd be surprised at how much it can help to have hot women vouch for you. It's like bypassing the menial screening process and getting right to the main interview phase. They should know what you are looking for in a woman and what kind of feet you like. But also, be open minded about feet that are not necessarily what your ex had. Trust me, you can grow to love and get really turned on by different kinds of feet. You wouldn't necessarily be lowering your standards, either. Obviously if a girl's feet are hideous or poorly kept then your hot woman friends would know not to bother hooking you two up.

The last bit of advice is to be proactive and do totally new things -- especially the kind of things that your ex would never have let you do. Join a new club or even move to a new city if you have that kind of freedom. A martial art (lots of bare feet there so you know which women to not even bother with ). A volunteer group. Anything to get your name in new social circles. The distraction will definitely help you get over any lingering feelings about the ex. And, of course, more people who know people that you could potentially date.

I hope things get better for you dude.

 

[chiliconcarne]

I promise you this, as much as it sounds not particularly helpful - you'll get over it. It might take a month, perhaps a year, perhaps a few years, but you'll soon come to accept yourself as yourself and not try to fight what you truly are. And then, like sun streaming through an opening in an overcast sky you'll start afresh, bursting with optimism and happiness. Happened to me, and i'm sure it'll happen to you to. Just understand that it'll take time, and there's little you can do to accelerate its arrival.

 

[Coup de Grace]

I know just where you're coming from, Ocean. Long before I got married, I dated a girl that was a physical goddess. Practically everything about her was perfect; from her long, flowing brunette hair to her lovely toes. In fact, her feet became the very benchmark of how I judged other women's feet. If they didn't have the same alignment of the toes, length, straightness or even the same nail type, it immediately turned me off. I even stopped pursuing one gal because she had a gnarly, long middle toe.

At any rate, when we broke up, I was a complete wreck for at least 2 months and dealt with bouts of depression. Afterwards, I dated several women in search of that same euphoric feeling, but it never happened and in time, I realized that it wasn't going to happen. I learned to overlook the impossible comparisons to my ex and physical imperfections and looked inward for intelligence, personality and strength of character. Sure enough, I found an even better woman that eventually became my wife. All that being said, I would still love for her to have my ex's feet, but it didn't prevent me from finding my partner for life.

 

[Ocean]

Afterwards, I dated several women in search of that same euphoric feeling, but it never happened and in time, I realized that it wasn't going to happen. I learned to overlook the impossible comparisons to my ex and physical imperfections and looked inward for intelligence, personality and strength of character. Sure enough, I found an even better woman that eventually became my wife. All that being said, I would still love for her to have my ex's feet, but it didn't prevent me from finding my partner for life.

That is so depressing. If that's how it's gonna be, (not specifically the feet thing, but everything -- the euphoria etc.) then it's just a compromise and settling.

It's awesome to find someone who is intelligent, and has strength of character and all that, but if they don't make me feel just as good or better than what I had, what I want, and what I truly do need -- then all they are is a really cool friend, for life.

I'm sorry you never found something that filled you with as much as what you'd lost.

 

[Dax]

That is so depressing. If that's how it's gonna be, (not specifically the feet thing, but everything -- the euphoria etc.) then it's just a compromise and settling.

It's awesome to find someone who is intelligent, and has strength of character and all that, but if they don't make me feel just as good or better than what I had, what I want, and what I truly do need -- then all they are is a really cool friend, for life.

I'm sorry you never found something that filled you with as much as what you'd lost.

Just get out there dude. Trust me. It won't be easy, and it probably won't be fun at first. But it beats the alternative. I'd rather be depressed and lead an interesting life than be depressed and lead a boring life. Why?

Because you never know when the next One will meet you. And when you meet her, you want to have interesting stuff to talk about with her. She is less likely to be into you if you've been totally depressed and boring in your recent days. So give yourself a chance to meet her! Get out there, and even if you never meet her, I think you will eventually learn how to enjoy being single. There's a whole big wide world out there!

Also, I'm sure there are a lot of things about your ex that aren't so great, but you don't want to think about them right now. But over time you'll remember them, and perhaps even realize that there's a very good reason why you're not with her anymore, and that you can probably do better, and that what you want in a woman will change over time. It's hard to understand it right now, but trust me. These things change over time.

 

[Ocean]

Just get out there dude. Trust me. It won't be easy, and it probably won't be fun at first. But it beats the alternative. I'd rather be depressed and lead an interesting life than be depressed and lead a boring life. Why?

Because you never know when the next One will meet you. And when you meet her, you want to have interesting stuff to talk about with her. She is less likely to be into you if you've been totally depressed and boring in your recent days.

Why do you presume I don't "get out there?"

I've gotten far enough where I've had multiple women spend the night here multiple times (I chose not to sleep with them though, though if I wanted sex it was there.) And these are women I've approached and chased -- something I am done doing now, as the woman I want would be someone assertive enough to chase me -- that and also time after time, they've just been a waste of time and not worth it in the end. I've gotten "out there" at college, shows and concerts, bars, hell even the grocery store. I've had many of takers -- no keepers.

I am a recording artist and performer, and have lead a life up until only recently which has been far more exciting than anything most people are up to, for starters. The "interesting stuff" I have "to talk about" -- good bad and in between -- are so numerous I could write books.

I'm sorry if I'm coming off as abrasive, but it just really bothers me when people presume things about someone. If you think I've been only "depressed and boring" in my days, you've got the wrong person.

 

[GQguy]

Time dude. You'll break off from her in time. I bet there's a song out there that reminds you of her. Well...eventually that song will fall out of rotation and you won't hear it often. Then one day you'll hear it and you won't associate any emotions with the song. That's how it will be with your ex. You'll never forget about her but eventually you'll move on. It can take YEARS. Despite have many women between me and my ex I always thought about her till.......I fell in love again. Now the feelings are gone. I have a new woman to love now. For a high on life guy like yourself it will likely be the same way. Love will catch you off guard and you'll see your ex....not as some perfect girl that was once yours....but rather just "a girl" from your past.

You're a good looking guy thats intelligent and leads an interesting life. You'll have to sort through many quality women but you'll find one thats to your liking...with pretty feet. I say ENJOY the search bro! Look at these forums and in real life and most men can't even get one date...let alone pick and choose. Live it up bro! That's what I do. Besides....we're not getting any younger and we'll miss the days of getting to know women that were once strangers.

Good luck to you

GQ

 

[proud2tickle]

can i ask ocean how old are u if u dont mind me asking and why did yall separate.... Because let me tell you a story about finding the one and you actually answered it yourself in original post. you said that you would love your ex no matter what happened to her and its only because of one simple thing..... history. See the last five years all you have known is her and you put so much into it.... it feels like u have been kicked in the nuts doesnt it!?!?! yeah i know it does but let me tell what time heals. through this you may learn that you have become a different person. when i first split with my ex i really didnt understand why and i didnt get it she was everything i wanted..... or so i thought i didnt realize as i got older i got into other things.... like my ex is anti drinking and i like to have a drink and be social. my ex was extremely intellegent and very reserved and i use to love that but now i hate that and i will tell you why.... i am a very out going person and very well liked. i command the attention of a room and there is nothing sexier then a girl who does to and challenges me. I know right now you feel like you went 15 rounds and lost on a no contest. If you want to lose that is cool but i would much rather get back in the ring to claim my championship belt. At the end of the day life isnt over and if it was so simple to find the one...... well there would be 6 billion of the one. search yourself and search for her. your ex wasnt was prefect for you or else she would still be here. there is someone else out there that is better. i dont believe your a shallow person and looking just at feet i mean i promise you ur more attracted to the person then to her feet and she will probably have nice feet anyway but the more you fall in love with the next one you will fall just as much in love with her feet unless she just has terrible feet. you will survive, you will only be happy again when your ready to commit to your happiness and its fine to sit on the sideline for a bit. but until you decide to step back in between the ropes and take some more shots and maybe lose a couple more fights you will never get that championship (person) your seeking. you will just simple survive

 

[love feet]

keep holding on!.

 

[Dax]

Why do you presume I don't "get out there?"

I've gotten far enough where I've had multiple women spend the night here multiple times (I chose not to sleep with them though, though if I wanted sex it was there.) And these are women I've approached and chased -- something I am done doing now, as the woman I want would be someone assertive enough to chase me -- that and also time after time, they've just been a waste of time and not worth it in the end. I've gotten "out there" at college, shows and concerts, bars, hell even the grocery store. I've had many of takers -- no keepers.

I am a recording artist and performer, and have lead a life up until only recently which has been far more exciting than anything most people are up to, for starters. The "interesting stuff" I have "to talk about" -- good bad and in between -- are so numerous I could write books.

I'm sorry if I'm coming off as abrasive, but it just really bothers me when people presume things about someone. If you think I've been only "depressed and boring" in my days, you've got the wrong person.

Calm down, bro.

You're misunderstanding what it means to get out there. It sounds like you're just going through the motions. Like you're closed off mentally or emotionally, particularly the parts that I have emphasized in boldface type.

Like GQGuy said above, this is a process that takes time. The point of my advice is to help accelerate the passage of that time with distractions and new experiences. I'm glad to hear that you lead a fast life and have had many opportunities for sex with other women.

But if those things are normal to you, then they're not going to be effective distractions. I'm talking about getting out of your comfort zone and doing something that requires absolute focus. You have to engage the parts of your brain that kick in when you're learning something new.

Once you're in a mindset of accepting new things (as opposed to the closed-off mindset I've seen so far in this thread), I guarantee you that one of two things will happen: either you'll stop caring about replicating what you had with that chick because you're hungry for something completely new OR you'll be able to attract the kind of girl who would approach you and live up to those high standards you have.

I can tell you right now that, just by reading between the lines at the subtext of what you've posted, these feelings of depression and closed-off mindset could steer these women away if you're even lucky enough to meet one. Thankfully, depression doesn't have to last forever if you're proactive about putting an end to it.

TL;DR: Getting "out there" means doing new things and opening your mind. It wasn't an assumption about your lifestyle.