Carsomyr
Level of Ruby Feather
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Lo ye people of the TMF! Here is finally the epic tale that has immersed, intrigued, and inspired millions of people! It is a sad story of one lone pigeon, who was sent to Earth to die for our sins. This poor pigeon was turned into mincemeat by Oliver the Cat, also known as Catan - the pet of one of Todd's own followers!
The following is the account of Todd's life as told by Ola (Carsomyr), his drinking buddy Andreas, Oliver the Cat, and many others. Now ye shall wait no longer; the Grand Epic of Pigeon Todd follows below!
(Based on a true story.)
Book of Ola
Chapter 1
Narrator: Gather ’round ye children, and listen to my tale! Not for the weak of mind, it is a story of drama, intrigue, and the birth of a new God.
Indeed! For you are about to hear about the great clash of man versus beast; a whirlwind of cat, feathers, and Ola!
Some time ago, our story takes place in a fair Swedish town, where the quiet and tranquillity would soon be missed and longed for. It began, as Todd this fateful evening flew through the open window to Ola's computer room...
And the world would never be the same again.
End of Chapter 1
Chapter 2
(Enter Ola)
Ola: What ho dear Siren! I speaketh to thee on Skype!
Indeed fair lady, let’s see what you will type!
SoundSiren: Good day, good sir Ola; I wish thee luck and wealth!
Pray tell, hath thou yet recovered all thine health?
(Enter Pigeon Todd)
Todd: Mwaha! Look not so surprised good sir, I come to rape thine room!
It’s time thy piles of papers finally meet their doom!
Ola: Damnation, Lady Siren, I must BRB!
Thou wouldst understand if thou knew what I now see!
(Exit SoundSiren)
Todd: Too late, good sir Ola, for chaos now ensues!
Thine meek attempts to stop me, will be of no use!
(Enter Oliver)
Oliver: What is it, my master? I heard thee scream out loud!
*spots pigeon*
Oh travesty, an angel has stepped down from it’s cloud!
Ola: Not so, good sir Oliver, it’s merely pigeon Todd;
Now let me chase him out of here, he is a fucking sod!
Oliver: Balderdash I say, I have a wrong to right!
This bird could be a seagull, it’s time to pick a fight!
Todd: You coward little kitty, you’ll never take me down!
Now chase me to the kitchen; that should give Ola quite a frown!
Ola: No, please not the kitchen! You will just make a mess!
I asked not for pandemonium, I don’t need this fucking stress!
Oliver: I care not what you say, you always say I can’t!
Fuck you good sir Ola, I’ll chase him all I want!
Todd: Hooray the chase is on, it was ‘bout fucking time!
Bring it little pussy, you’ll just help me in my crime!
Ola: You raped this room already, and now a second one?
Thou cunting little pigeon, I’ll fucking see you gone!
Oliver: I’m sorry master Ola, I reduced the table to a mess!
‘Twas all part of the chase I swear, but Todd ain’t flying any less!
Todd: Suck my birdly dick, you foolish little sheep!
Your cat already looks like one, and Ola you will weep!
Ola: Dear cat, the door is open; chase him down the stairy case!
Once this flying rat is out of here, we’ll set his nest ablaze!
Todd: I fall not for your trickery, or maybe yes I will!
Oh crap the cat is after me, but I’ll rape the staircase still!
Ola: That’s three rooms that you’ve ruined, you flying piece of shit!
I swear I’ll fucking pelt you, and chop you into bits!
Oliver: Leave that part to me, I…
Ola: No, you’ve done enough!
Besides I’m bloody angry now, I’ll teach him to play rough!
Todd: Argue all you wish, you fools, it will not get me caught!
I’ll still get my ass out of here, your efforts all for naught!
Ola: Oh bloody hell just leave my house, I’ll open the front door!
You wear me down, you anger me, your presence is a chore!
(Exit Todd)
End of chapter 2
Chapter 3
Narrator: And so the pigeon fled, freedom once more under his wings!
He swore he would return one day, and rape some other things!
Oliver: But he never did, I caught him in the wild!
He was off guard, and wild we went; he screamed just like a child!
Narrator: And so our story ends; swift vengeance, it was had!
And of course, our good sir Oliver, in feathers he was clad!
Fin.
Book of Andreas
It all began,
a sweaty summer day.
The pigeon Todd,
flew as he may.
And came upon a house of wood.
Very inviting it doth stood.
So down he flew,
like a disease ridden beam.
And through an open window,
a certain Ola began to scream.
Ola like a little girl,
flailed his arms around.
And so did grumpy Oliver,
investigate all the sound.
His eyes were laid upon Pigeon Todd.
And a mighty roar echoed;
“Someone get me my rod!”
With eyes of hate his rant went on;
“To avenge my father, mother and myself,”
“Who thou hath crapped upon!”
With the snap of fangs and clicks of claw,
Oliver charged, and Todd barely believed what he saw.
For a crying bearded lunatic, and a raging spitting cat,
does not leave much to say.
Pigeon Todd felt confused.
Maybe this was a sign that he should turn gay.
However that may be,
he was very afraid.
He flew across the room,
in a frenzied raid.
To the kitchen our pigeon hero flew,
but Oliver was determined,
to for the crap make him pay.
So the rabid cat and weeping idiot,
followed in his sway.
But the bearded fool,
appeared to escape down the stairs.
Pigeon Todd followed,
making sure,
to of the fools flailing hands stay clear.
The bearded douche now crazed with fright,
to have Pigeon Todd two feet to his right.
The scared not-so-much man, tried to escape out the door.
And on the way out does Todd take a crap in the fools shoes,
that will certainly make his mood sour.
Oliver comes with murder in mind,
but does only thanks to cowardly Master,
see flying Pigeon Todds behind.
Oliver turned on Ola then, and what happened next I would never tell,
for that would be crass.
…but let me assure you,
for days it hurt in Ola’s ass.
Book of Oliver
And so the two stories of what transpired are told.
But only Master Ola got the last part right, if I may be so bold.
I caught the obtuse pigeon whole,
and feasting on him finally ended my role.
Upon the fortnight I then so heard to my dismay;
Pigeon Todd had stood up from his grave on the third day!
At least that explained me hearing still, his pigeon “coo”
and it explained my explosive diarrhea too!
A messy thing it was indeed,
on anomic and intrusive pigeons, I will no longer feed.
But maybe another seagull or two,
I’ll know for sure, after my next visit to the loo.
But what of Pigeon Todd you ask? Where hath he gone to now?
He ascended to the heavens then, after he taught the sparrows to him bow.
Hated by his fellow pigeons, Todd’s brave efforts were for naught.
They said that if he truly their messiah were, he wouldn’t have been caught.
Not even Todd’s own followers, know how to quite agree;
faithful sparrows, orthodox seagulls, raven protestants…
There is struggle amongst the three.
They also fight the faith of Carsoism, and it’s Guinness-drinkers “Guihad”
Both sides claiming right to Holy Quirk-Ville,
the struggle is ongoing still.
Now if you’ll please excuse me,
I’ve got more birds to kill!
Book of Rothford
Ok, first of all, why is everyone writing faggy poems? Srsly you guise… And trust me, it hurts me having to say this more than it hurts the writers – I had to sit and fucking READ THIS BULLSHIT! For those of you who don’t know me, I am Rothford the Skull. I have deep-seated emotional problems!
One character in this story stands out though, and it’s not Todd. I am of course thinking of Oliver the cat. Seriously, he fucked that pigeon up good! I saw the pile of feathers out on the porch; you have no idea how much I laughed. I would have lol’d up a kidney most likely, but I don’t have a fucking body.
Anyway, since the cat is the only awesome thing with this story, I urge you all to become “Catanists”. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I’m playing the devil’s advocate here, but if you know anything about me you know that I always – fucking ALWAYS – root for the antagonist!
I think it’s beautiful. The predator – bad guy by default – actually won! I mean Todd didn’t do anything special; at least nothing that Jesus, L. Ron Hubbard, and many others haven’t done before him. So wow, I mean, out of Todd and Oliver, WHICH ONE’S STILL ALIVE MOTHERFUCKERS?!?
So by this I just want to say that I fully endorse any and all cat-lovers out there (even if you’re crazy like that woman in The Simpsons), and I think we should stand up against the worshipers of Todd. LET’S GO ANCIENT EGYPT ON THEIR ASSES!
Oh and by the way, the patron saint of Catanism shall be Lewis Black (I know he’s not dead yet like I suppose saints usually are supposed to be, but I’m working on it). He yells a lot, and he swears. I can appreciate that.
That’s really all I had to say though. I mean, it’s not really like I fucking care about this shit anyway.
…and I still haven’t found anyone who wants to lick my eye sockets. YES EYE SOCKETS NOT EYE BALLS IT IS A VERY SENSITIVE SUBJECT! Uh anyway, any sexy girls out there who would be interested? I guess you could say that might give me a… boner! Bwahaha! Eh? EH?!?
…
I hate you guys.
Book of Adam West
My children, the words you are about to read are the holy words of Pigeon Todd himself. He spoke them to me as he stepped down from the very heavens on the third day after his tragic passing. Todd said that he had originally been sent to Earth by his father, Godd the Pelican.
Godd almighty saw the misery of bird, men, and bird-men everywhere, and so he sent us his son Todd to die for us so that we may find salvation. I was one of his twelve ape-hustlers, as he so lovingly called us, and indeed that was our job: We constantly hustled monkeys, and let me tell you, there were a LOT of them to hustle! My own beloved Texas Beer-Apes were a handful in their own right, but I digress.
Revered Pigeon Todd spoke thusly to me: “Mayor West, I will soon be betrayed by one of my Ape-Hustlers. ‘Tis Rothford, who will introduce me to two of my other chosen Ape-Hustlers before they are truly ready to accept me.” I asked Todd if we should try and stop the treacherous skull, but he said no, it was his chosen destiny and he had known about it for a long time already.
Furthermore he told me, “Adam, thou shall become the leader of the flock I leave behind me. Thou shall be hailed as the Holy Dope of Rum, because Rum fumes turns Ola sick, and this maketh me giggle. Yay.”
Let it be known that I proudly accept this holy position, and yay, if you stray from the TRUE church of Todd like the heretic pigeons, seagulls and ravens have done, I’ll be sure to send an inquisitive Spanish guy after you asking why. Trust me, he is very inquisitive indeed!
My first action as Holy Dope is hereby to announce the Holy Communion! It is a ceremony that all faithful followers of Todd shall go through, where they get symbolically eaten by a lion.
Book of Sparrow Jack
Gather ye all who would worship Holy Todd! For I hath, on my own accord, gathered these songs and praises to our Lord and Saviour. Let them resound over the globe as His divine message is spread!
Ave Columbidarum
O sacred Todd, hear your children’s call!
We pray to thee, and thank thee, for our salvation
And Sparrow Jack isn’t a funny name at all.
O Holy Godd in heaven, Father to the Son;
We praise thine pelicany goodness.
Despite these stupid robes you make me don.
O I feel as if I forgot someone, I guess I am too lazy.
The third link is still missing,
But who cares, because I’m egocentric and fucking crazy!
So Todd and Godd, guide thine flock!
Give them wealth and power.
Thou did to me, and thus I think ye rock!
Divine Praises
Blessed be Godd
Blessed be His Pelican Wings
Blessed be Pigeon Todd, true Badass and true Bird
Blessed be His Pigeon Wings
Yaddayaddaydadda.
Amen.
Canticle of Todd (Sung to the tones of Ode to Joy)
On a day not long ago
a bird name Todd sprung from his egg.
Though his life was fairly short
he helped take Ola down a peg.
But then Todd he gave his life
to Ola’s cat Sir Oliver.
Eaten whole but feathers few,
his reputation still was rife.
Caused the cat a tummy-ache,
and gave his bowels quite a shake.
Todd he then came back once more,
a feat that Ola did abhor.
He died for all our sins Todd told us,
save the sin of usury.
That Todd was quite guilty of,
but no one dared to make a fuss.
Threats of violence and extortion,
what a way to earn ones keep!
Thumb screws and lack of emotion,
royally he’d screw the weak!
All hail Pigeon Todd divine,
he kicks your feeble deity’s ass!
Now we’ll pour us some more wine,
and show that we lack any class!
Book of Saint Gilbert, the Inbred Pretzel
And so the sky blackened, as did every room in every house on this side of the globe. For it was nightfall, and a great power outage hath strucketh the land. “Never more!” cried Gilbert the Pretzel, and prayed to Pigeon Todd. Our Saviour wouldst not answer his prayer at first, but after two hours of hard praying the power outage hath finally been exorcised, and the streets and houses bathed in light once more, yay!
Convinced that Holy Todd hath given him extraordinary powers, Saint Gilbert stepped into a room consumed by blackness. “Let there be light!” our beloved pretzel exclaimed and flippeth the power switch, and lo, there was light! Gilbert first displayed his newfound powers to his fellow peers, but it is as one sayeth, thou cannot become a profet in thy own town.
After a fortnight of exile, Saint Gilbert finally found his calling. The word of Todd doth spread like fire on the hallowed Internet. Nerds and geeks alike rallied to embrace our pretzel as their guardian-saint, as he promised to keep their computers energized at all times when they powerleveled in WoW. For lo, Gilbert had already survived one power outage, and shown that he at least had greater resilience than Ice Cream!
Yay, everyone rejoiced, and Godd the Pelican was said to have appeared as an online avatar to speak to the huddled masses: “Thine LAN is thy kingdom, but look beyond thine borders and thou shall behold the full glory of the Internet. ‘Tis a holy spirit that guides and protects, offers wisdom and advice. I giveth ye this powerful tool, my faithful, and it shall be with you always. Because let’s face it, it’s not like you nerds are going anywhere without at least bringing your laptop.”
And so our glorious tale of Saint Gilbert the Inbred Pretzel ends. ‘Tis said that he is still out there somewhere, perhaps travelling from pantry to pantry, but we will most likely never know. For Gilbert is a fucking pretzel, yay!
Book of Janice Bear
Chapter 1
At first, Janice Bear did not understand why the world was in such an uproar. She had indeed heard of Pigeon Todd, but “God is in the eyes of the beholder – unless you stab them out first”, as Janice would always say. She’d much rather just sit and eat rice balls with her chopsticks, than to get involved with worldly affairs. Indeed, her past experiences with scribes and tale-writers had not been the best, and so she doubted the prophets who brought her the scriptures of Todd.
But then one day a miracle happened. There was a power outage in her town, and lo, suddenly a WoW-nerd invoked the powers of Saint Gilbert, and shortly after the lights flickered back to life. Janice confessed that she had never liked this WoW-nerd, who had kind of been following her around in the past, yay! And she thought, that any man who could have a thing for bears was not sound of mind. This display of divine power did not change that perception, but Janice thought: “Pigeon Todd works in strange ways.”
Not that she complained, because this was more than the Jehovah’s Witnesses had ever been able to show her, and the thought of a Pigeon and a Pelican representing the divine forces of good quite frankly didn’t sound nearly as retarded as the story of Joseph Smith. Besides, all the passive-aggressive irony in the holy writings made her chuckle; Janice Bear had finally found her religion!
Best of all, she learned that the Holy Dope encouraged ape-hustling. “Sounds like a great way to channel my drunken rage!” thought Janice Bear, and poured another bottle of vodka over her rice balls. She knew, that her life would become a whole lot more interesting from here on.
Chapter 2
One day, the recently converted Janice Bear was out on a walk in the forest. She was accompanying Spanky the Self Pleasuring Squirrel on her trip to her sick grandmother, whom she were bringing food and anti-depressants. On the narrow path through the forest, the two friends met a wolf. It was Spanky’s arch nemesis, Cowery the Self Wetting wolf.
After exchanging piercing glares, and indeed, after Cowery wetting himself, the latter asked what they were doing. “We are visiting my grandmother”, said Spanky, “to deliver these Canadian Eggs.” Upon hearing this, Cowery suggested that Janice and Spanky should stay right there for a while and pick some flowers for the sick grandmother, but Janice Bear had heard this story before. Empowered by Todd in all his glory, Janice let out a divine roar and swallowed the wolf whole.
“Dude, Janice, seriously!” Spanky has been rumoured to say, “you ate someone who had only just peed all over himself!”
Janice merely grinned, and replied: “Seasoning!”
There was a moral to this story, but Janice could never be bothered to actually share it with anyone.
Chapter 3
Finally, Janice Bear had set up her own temple. She had now learned what it took to be an ape-hustler in service of Pigeon Todd. One day an insecure sparrow visited her shrine, and sought advice. “Priestess Bear”, said the sparrow, “I have doubts about following a messiah who actually lived his life as a pigeon. How do I know that he is indeed our lord and saviour?”
“It is not unwise of you to question, dear sir sparrow”, said Janice then. “For I myself have had the same doubts before Todd showed me His divine light.” Janice chewed thoughtfully on her chopstick, and stuck it a little too far into the mouth. She gagged, coughed, and up came a rice ball covered in phlegm and vomit. And lo, it was a miracle!
Janice Bear pointed at the puddle on the floor. “Lapis Philosophorum.” The sparrow was still confused, but Janice continued: “That is, the philosopher’s stone. A mythical item that creates things out of nothing, and while it certainly looks like just any ball of rice, I assure you that it was not covered in this strange substance when I accidentally consumed it earlier. This must be a sign from Pigeon Todd; he has granted us a powerful artefact indeed!”
“Praise Todd!” exclaimed the sparrow; “All is good in the world once more!”
Book of Advice Dog
Lo ye truth-smitten! I am a canine. I Licketh my phallus. Now I shalt share with ye the fantastic knowledge that Pigeon Todd hath bestowed upon me. The circle of life maintaineth itself through each species nourishment. Buyeth ye therefore pizza, and payeth ye with snakes. Prostitutes and concubines conversely, ye still reimburse with beatings. Yay, for such is the will of Todd.
Crime shalt not be tolerated by neither Todd nor Godd almighty. Stealeth ye not thine candy from infants, but locate instead thine medicine cabinet and behold the prize that you seek! Should thy quest prove futile, searcheth instead for the sacred antifreeze. Lo, this item shall grant ye the most divine frost resistance, and as thou extendeth your search for candy in the frozen wastelands at world’s end, ye shall be invincible!
Once thine sweets are found, sing praise to Pigeon Todd and never let the festivities in his honour come to an end. Party ye always with thine roofies now, for rehab can be had later. Be there too many guests for thine orgie, then go forth and urinate in thine bottle and present it as apple juice. Share this brew and pray to Pigeon Todd that ye manage to escape safely.
And just as ye urinate, drinketh ye paint then ye shall defecate art. But all this be nothing compared to the greatest truth of Todd! Yay, for there be mysterious arts indeed that shall set ye on the path of apotheosis; to one day become a God in your own right! Ye must seeketh out the most holy shroom and consume it whole: As it made Super Mario grow, so shall it treat you to the same divine powers! Seeketh ye NOT for the stars, however, for they are most surely Scientologists!
Book of Bubbles the Martini Monster
Oh man, what the fuck? Yeah, I’m not supposed to be here, but… I guess as this grand epic was written, SOMEONE decided to get drunk. That is how us Martini Monsters get summoned, see? People tend to panic when they see us, but it really just means that they are one step away from Alcohol Nirvana. Such is a state of bliss that Pigeon Todd surely must approve of!
Now, you might ask, Bubbles, how does one go about to reach this stage of beerlightful enlightenment? Well, see, it’s easy; you just stop drinking like a fucking pussy! You know what? I rarely get summoned anymore these days… The people of old, THEY knew how to go on a drinking binge! But these days I only get stuck between my own plane of existence and this one, having to watch all these fucking kids who drink one beer and go oh laadeedaaaaah I’m SO fucking WASTED! Seriously, that’s a 2,5% beer, asshole! It’s not even enough to get you buzzed!
People are so lame these days… And what of the subcultures? Yeah, like the fucking Goths and emo’s… They claim to be so damned unique, yet they all dress the fucking same! If anyone here needs a beer to loosen the fuck up and get in touch with their inner selves, it’s them! You know what? Actually, fuck it. I’ve had enough with you assholes. Humans are stupid; I’m gonna see if I can’t apply for a demon summoning or two by some wannabe Satanists as well, and once they bring me into this plane, I am going to eat their fucking faces!
Oh and I guess I went on a tangent there, but whatever. Hail Todd and all that. NOW GO GET DRUNK!
Book of Mr. Silky Pants the Originally Insane
Oh just what my role here is, I cannot guess or truly say.
But Pigeon Todd he summoned me,
my head in disarray!
Indeed, I truly fear!
I hoped Todd’s brain was more clear,
though not only does he summon me, but also Janice Bear!
Please tell me now.
as sparrow jack, a BIRD was chosen,
why couldn’t they just have picked a goddamn fucking crow?
E IS THE KEY! E IS THE KEY! E IS THE KEY! UNDERLINE ITTTTT!
Now tell me one more time!
Usury, was THAT my crime?
Not that I care, but why am I here?
Curious I am, I ask not out of fear.
Everybody.
Somebody… Anybody!
Tell me already, you douchebags!
But then again, what does it matter?
I had no life before this, or dreams to shatter.
Be that as it may, my cognitive dissonance still runs strong.
Even as Rothford would say: fuck you, I have done no wrong!
Now maybe you could help me out; they chained me in a cellar.
Dauntingly, to make me write this book. Cliché, but yet so stellar!
Under this text of nonsense lies the Pigeon creed.
Masters and mistresses, use it always out of greed!
Miracle Stories and accounts of Todd's most Divine Presence and Influence
Memoirs of a Pwnt Sweed
Chapter 1
Narrator:
Lo, this is a tale of faith indeed,
of Ape-Hustler Carsomyr in pwning Sweed!
The latter lacks a faith of mind,
which with tickling she'll be forced to find!
Carsomyr:
It all began a sunny day;
Sweed was pwnt to her dismay.
She begged and squealed, her hamster voice;
was making quite the noice!
And then the day just after that;
we went to skype to chat!
And there poor Sweed, she squealed some more,
the others, they were never bored!
But earlier that very day;
Sweed got über-pwnt once more!
Don't listen to what SHE would say;
of her failure I am sure!
The third day she gave up again;
this time before the noon!
As surely as that it would rain,
she always gives up really soon!
Tickling others though, is not her thing;
she failed at pwning me!
This inspires me to once more sing;
I'll continue on my evil spree!
EXEUNT
Interlude - "Sweed's Interjection"
Sweed:
That evening Sweed got tickled once more,
and struggled to get free.
Of her success, she was goddamn sure,
and was right, 'cause she managed to flee!
She struggled her way out of Carso's grip,
and then around the house took a trip.
Of course this didn't last for long,
but to forget that escape would be wrong.
Then Carso blamed an ache in the head,
and then collapsed on his bed.
So now my friends I ask to you;
who is pwning who?
EXEUNT
Chapter 2
Carsomyr:
Yet later in the evening though;
Sweed wasn't pwnt much faster.
But what she said will make you "wow",
she begged and called me Master!
That must have been quite an ordeal;
of one thing I am very sure!
Regardless of embarrassment she'd feel,
she couldn't walk straight anymore!
Then Sweed begged me to no end,
not to mention the "Master" part!
With excuses she tried to explain and mend;
but for that I am too smart!
She pulled a Todd and flew and fled,
she'll have to pay the price!
So I mentioned it as you have read;
for now that will suffice.
But when I see her next - for now she's gone,
I'll pwn her still for hours on!
The fourth day, sorry I digress,
my brush met once more with Sweed's sole.
She was a giggling, begging mess,
although she lasted for four hours whole!
But soon our story ends, as she went home on the fifth day;
Todd's blessing surely helped pwn Sweed!
It is as High Dope Adam West would say;
still no amount of tickling satiates that damn 'lees greed!
EXEUNT
Salvation of a Leaf Stick
From a very early age,
Todd caused bearded men to rage.
He had the leading role;
the world, it was his stage!
Swooping down on humans,
from the skies in which he'd soar!
It was upon this act,
that he'd let out his mighty pigeon roar!
But then Todd went to Canada;
the land of Leaf and Moose!
Godd almighty hath commanded him,
or another country he would choose!
Todd flew around and wondered,
what this would be about!
And then he spotted Leaf Stick,
that hopeless, drunken lout!
And now just let me tell ya,
why Leaf Stick is a bum!
He forgets the time, he passes out,
and I bet he drinks a lot of rum!
Todd stepped down then and saved him,
to which Leaf Stick then would say:
Thank you Master Todd my friend,
from now I'll drink but twice a day!
So on this joyous day our Todd,
he saved another soul!
Leaf celebrated with Canadian Club,
and drank the bottle whole!
To be continued. Dun dun dunnnnn!
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OMFG!
Harmageddon is closer than one might think! 
