and you thought you were having a bad day...

[steph]

Well, in general we're not supposed to talk about our patients but this one made the news so I guess cat's out of the bag.

She's 31 years old. History of multiple suicide attempts. Mother just died a week ago and father wants nothing to do with her~don't know why. Patient was transferred from an out-of-county facility, so her total history is scarce.

The other night, she decides to attempt again. She goes out, lays down on the train tracks. A train comes, they blow the horn. Patient sits up, looks at the train and lays back down. You can guess the ending. Train hit her so hard, it derailed.

Now she sits in my ICU, or what's left of her anyway. The injury is called a degloving, which basically means the skin was ripped off her face. Later this afternoon they're pulling life support. I had to go up and check on her, see if there was any insurance or any family visiting. There isn't.

I don't know why I'm writing this, partly to vent I guess. Also, I know some of you are going through tough times. I guess I'm hoping something like this will put things in perspective for you. Everything passes. I just wish I could have gotten to her first to tell her.

Be well all. Much love!
Me

 

[jk666uk]

nasty sorry steph

 

[Illtcklu]

Whatta job you have....................sorry. Sent you a PM!

 

[tulipangel]

Ummmm as bad as this sounds... I dont feel bad for her! She is a moron! If she wants to die she should just shhot herself in the head! I know this sounds rotten but geesh! She is taking the bed in a hospital that could be used for someone who has the urge to live not die like this dope! Sorry, just the way I feel! 🙁

 

[HeavenlyTickle]

Ummmm as bad as this sounds... I dont feel bad for her! She is a moron! If she wants to die she should just shhot herself in the head! I know this sounds rotten but geesh! She is taking the bed in a hospital that could be used for someone who has the urge to live not die like this dope! Sorry, just the way I feel! 🙁

The suicidal aren't always the most logical. Besides, some people would rather be killed, than have to actually kill themselves. I know what you're saying and everyone's entitled to their own opinions, but I think that calling her a moron is a little excessive. She obviously had her reasons for doing what she did. Suicide isn't an option which people consider casually... it's something which happens when a person feels they have nothing left to live for and, in this woman's case, no one who cares. If she felt that she wasn't wanted on this earth, then I can't help but feel sorry for her.

And Steph, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say really. But you must be a really strong person if you can deal with that kinda stuff. Extremely admirable.

xXx

 

[scissorman]

It's a shame some people can't gather the strength to keep fighting. I feel for her, and I feel for you steph. Must have been difficult to see that.

 

[drew70]

Steph, I don't know how you do it. You see so much pain and suffering yet you still shine like a star. You're an amazing woman.

 

[Redmage]

*sigh* I really hated it when my patients were beyond saving. That's very tough.

 

[steph]

Awww...thank you sweeties~for all the responses, the PMs and the emails. This isn't about me but your kind supporting words comforted me immensely. I hope you know how very much I appreciate having such great friends. Just...wow... How did I get so lucky?
Don't know about the strong part, friends~I gotta admit to crying a little bit for her when I got back to my desk and again, on the long ride home. (I do that a lot) She's surely gone by now, but I'm a firm beleiver in no one should have to die alone.

And tulip~I understand how you feel~I might feel the same if I didn't do what I do for a living. In theory, what you said makes sense. But...(story time) There's a girl, she's 21. She's been in about 5 times since I started this job. She's cut her wrists, slashed her throat from ear-to-ear (didn't cut deep enough either time) hung herself (a family member came home early and cut her down.) Finally she managed to get a gun. Did she succeed? Yep. In blowing off half her face. Didn't die though. You know the REALLY fun part of all this? Not only does she get to keep on living her life out feeling like a monster as she has for years, now she gets the added joy to look like one too.

XOXO

 

[cloudgazer2k]

ok, normally i'm someone trying to instigate tickles from steph...but, god, i don't know how you do it...
being the person i am, i consider myslef kinda empathic...i pick up on vibes really easy...i also consider myself a tough guy...but you are by far stronger mentally than i am...i feel the need to thank you for doing such a tough job and going through the week with a smile on your face. if i could, i'd reach through these digital walls and give you a big, long-lasting hug.
in regard to the patient...it's a shame. though i've come close myself to quitting it all, i always had someone to turn to for help. why she couldn't have done the same we'll never know...
but, nevertheless, steph, you rock...just keep on smiling

 

[Knox The Hatter]

That's awful...

 

[tulipangel]

Ok, here is why i don't feel sorry for her..... I have a family member who has tried to kill herself 10+ times.... You cant talk to her cause her brain is fried from pills and god knows what else! I love this person but what she puts my family through isn't fair and if she wants to die i wish she would just do it! Deep down i feel bad for people who think life is so bad they want to end it. BUT, if someone really REALLY wants to die, they don't fail! Most people want to kill them self cause what? They think they are failures! Duh! You cant even kill yourself right!
I guess im just bitter about it cause of all the stress that is put on myself as a loved one of a moron who keeps trying this method of ending pain or whatever! I have seen my family member try to kill herself since im like 9 yrs old! in and out of hospitals and we are an open family so i knew then what was going on! I just think there are a lot of people out there who are sick, wont live another month or week even and they live that month or week to the fullest and here are these people who ok, maybe you lost your job... GET A NEW ONE don't kill yourself... Be glad you don't have cancer or something geesh! Ok, im sorry! Im done with my rant! By the way... Opinions are like @$$holes, every body's got one 😉

 

[tulipangel]

oh and a quick note on the 21 yr old girl.... Hanging yourself in your own home where someone MIGHT come home early? not too bright! Like i said, do it right! If life is so bad, do it in a place no one will be able to just walk in! I think trying to kill yourself is a cry out for attention and that's what they get! once the attention stops, they try again! And again, this is MY opinion that I came up with after witnessing this behavior for YEARS first hand living with this person!

 

[chicago]

See, I hate that.

People who even attempt suicide piss me off. The only time I can see where I might want to kill myself, is if I was in a serious accident that left me horribly disfigured or paralyzed.

To me, they're cowards, or maybe I'm the coward because I'd never in a million years have enough courage to take my own life, as shitty as it has been at times.

As much as I cry and complain about the things that happen in my life, in the long run, I just see them as stepping stones, each one bringing me closer to a stronger, smarter, more mature Mairead.

 

[slacker2114]

Wait a minute.....the train hit her so hard, it de-railed........AND SHE'S STILL ALIVE??? Who the hell is she, Supergirl??

Hell, I say if you're that desperate to die, quit fucking around and swallow a lead coughdrop. Just do it somewhere remote so no one has to clean that mess up.

 

[cloudgazer2k]

To me, they're cowards, or maybe I'm the coward because I'd never in a million years have enough courage to take my own life, as shitty as it has been at times.

that doesn't make you a coward, m. that makes you smart. deep down, you know and understand the fact that there are people who love you, accept you, and want to continue knowing you...you know that there are greater things and life and there's no reason to ever get hung up on the bad things. to keep rolling with the pucnches as many of us have done will serve to better yourself. suicide is an act of finality, of giving up, lost hope...and someone as young and obviously intelligent as you need to never consider such things, 'cuz there are people around you that will catch you when you fall.

 

[Illtcklu]

Tulip, Steph, don't fight, you both make interesting points and from your postions you are both right I think........

Steph is seeing it from the Hospital where your job is to heal......

Tulip is experiencing the stress and pain it causes a family......

You both are sweet and wonderful and my opinion has not changed, now.

There are two sides to every coin!

 

[chicago]

Thanks, cloud.

But yeah, and everyone keeps saying "Oh, if you're going to kill yourself, just shoot yourself with a gun."

Maybe I'm stupid, but if I was going to kill myself, I wouldn't even know how or where to get a gun. I'd probably try and think of the easiest, quickest, most painless way to do it that was feasible to me.

Laying down on the train tracks is easy, has potential to be quick and painless, but in this case obviously wasn't.

I'd probably just sit in the garage with the car running and fall asleep.

 

[TicklishLurker]

Ummmm as bad as this sounds... I dont feel bad for her! She is a moron! If she wants to die she should just shhot herself in the head! I know this sounds rotten but geesh! She is taking the bed in a hospital that could be used for someone who has the urge to live not die like this dope! Sorry, just the way I feel! 🙁

Trust me, when those suicidal thoughts drive you to attempt it, logic isn't going to rule the day. Anyway, guns don't often work. I've read about a lot of cases where the bullet deflects in such a way as to just basically give you a lobotomy.

 

[cloudgazer2k]

I'd probably just sit in the garage with the car running and fall asleep.

ok, now that's just a bit scary. hey, i'm not just a tickle fiend, but i also listen. if you ever wanna talk, just let me know.

 

[chicago]

ok, now that's just a bit scary. hey, i'm not just a tickle fiend, but i also listen. if you ever wanna talk, just let me know.

I'm not suicidal. Far from it, I'm just talking about the subject in a "what if" kind of way.

Seriously, I've worked too hard in life to give up now.

But thanks.

 

[steph]

Oh we're not fighting honey~I think tulip is great!~we're buds, or is that budettes? We just feel differently on this, that's all. No worries honeys!

Actually to tell ya the truth, I'm happily surprised at how well everyone's behaved on this thread despite our different views on the matter!
XOXO

Tulip, Steph, don't fight, you both make interesting points and from your postions you are both right I think........

Steph is seeing it from the Hospital where your job is to heal......

Tulip is experiencing the stress and pain it causes a family......

You both are sweet and wonderful and my opinion has not changed, now.

There are two sides to every coin!

 

[steph]

OK. So I've gotten several requests to share my knowledge and why I feel the way I do about this. Though I'll be referencing some of the comments on here, please do not anyone take what I say as an attack, even if we have differing points. It's not intended to attack anyone. So without further adieu (takes deep breath...)

The who: There are the dopey teenagers and drama queens who do this stuff for attention~this is not about them. This is about the hardcores, people like my patient. Info is amassed thruout my years of experience dealing with these cases~probably numbering in the hundreds...

The why: I'm not paid to judge these people folks. They trust me and pay me to assist the patients who are too ill, too weak, too disabled to do it for themselves. I think it's very easy for us to sit smugly in our homes, drive our cute cars to our jobs, where we have health insurance. A lot of these people don't have those benefits that we take for granted.

The what: I think it's easy for outsiders to look down on these folks, like it's something they deserve, they see the situation as very black and white. I say to you there IS no black and white. There's a myriad of reasons people kill (or try to kill) themselves. It's MUCH more complicated than it looks. Maybe they once had the tools to cope with what life throws their way, maybe they never had it, because no one ever taught them.

Maybe they don't have good insurance. County programs for the medically indigent are overcrowded and poorly run. Would YOU want to go down to the county facility and wait to be seen for 12 hours (sitting next to someone who might have TB, scabies or lice) when you need psychological help, only to be seen by the "doc of the day" who, for all you know, might be a gynocologist?

These folks don't realize there are programs out there to those who can't pay, but you gotta make noise to find them. Maybe they thought of therapy and tried, but couldn't find a doctor who was a good fit. Or maybe they come from people who think seeing a "headshrinker" is for the weak. Maybe they tried meds but it wasn't the right dosage to help them. Maybe they didn't like the way the pills made them feel. Maybe no one ever educated them enough to tell them that a good doctor will keep trying until they find a combo that works for you.

Tulip mentioned a suicidal relative on "pills." I'm assuming these are street drugs. Here's the thing a lot of people don't know about substance abuse. I've NEVER met a happy, well-adjusted person who's abusing drugs and/or alcohol. So, why do it, right? First off, these are ALWAYS people who are haunted by something and if they're honest with each other, it's traceable to a particular event (childhood sexual abuse, a rape, witness to a murder of a loved one, etc.) It's a lot easier to turn to booze and street drugs (they're mUCH easier to get!) than it is to admit you have a problem and that you need professional help. VERY difficult for many.

The reality is, no one wakes up one morning and says, "Eh, today's a good day to die~think I'll go 'head and off myself..." People like my patients have suffered for YEARS in pain and agony, with no end in sight. That is why they choose to commit suicide. For them, every day is a nightmare they feel they'll never awaken from, a well so deep they fear no one will ever hear their screams for help, a tunnel so long and dark they have lost all hope of EVER seeing a light at the end of it. Ever.

TL mentioned rationalism. Right, these people are NOT of rational mind. You and me, sure~say you need more money. WE know we can always go out and get a second job. Sure it'll be hard but we see the answer clear as day. The suicidal have lost their sight. Their minds have become blind.

Or, maybe they're just tired of fighting. Maybe they lost someone they loved more than life itself and the pain is so great, they feel like their heart is being ripped out through their throats. Have you ever loved someone that much? If you have, you know what I mean.

Look, I'm not trying to change anyone's opinion, just sharing what I've learned from the people I counsel. This girl on the train tracks, who knows? Maybe she was this amazing artist, maybe she could have been the last fundraiser to run the Susan G Komen that made just enough money the Breast Cancer foundation needed to finally find that cure...Maybe not, but then again, maybe...At any rate, these cases are sad, they leave behind friends, parents, children. Someone has to clean up afterwards and live with the guilt that they might have been able to help these people, including me. And that's why I feel sad for these folks.

Not as black and white as it looks anymore, is it?
XOXO

 

[some1somewhere]

I deplore suicide like everyone else here, but I hope that she has found peace.

 

[steph]

As do I babe. How ironic is life~that only in death can she find the one thing she ever really wanted... 🙁

XOXO

I deplore suicide like everyone else here, but I hope that she has found peace.